RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy

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RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/18/2005 9:54:06 AM

handsofpleasure

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Im inclined to think that any relationship, D/s or not, lasts as long as it works in the best interest of both parties. Some people meet someone young who they stay with their whole life. Thats very nice. Some people meet someone who shares common interests for a time, and then interests and needs diverge, and they separate. There is some sadness there but also a positive move to find someone else who meets their needs for a different stage in life. I cant imagine that the type of woman that interested me in college is the same woman that would interest me now. But thats me, for someone else its may be different. In the different D/s relationships i have had they all related to my desires at the time meeting the needs of the other person at that time, and vice versa. Over time we both changed and in all cases we both moved on without any regrets. I dont beat myself up for not staying with the same person my whole life. Change is a part of life and growth.

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RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/18/2005 12:12:48 PM

CupofIronsXana

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I have to agree with a great deal of the opinions I've read here. I know many in D/s and M/s as couples that have been together for a long time. I've seen the ratio be more towards making it work than I have seen falling apart and dissolving.

I do agree that lifespans of relationships in both worlds can be shorter, but that's only because of the effort or lack of put forth by the C/couple to make it work.

It frightens me sometimes that what if that happens to Iron and myself in that we lose site of who and what we are together. I've come to rely on the fact that He's always there for me and I for Him.

What I've learned is that communication is the most important key, but coincides with another necessary element....connection. In order to make it all work, that has to be present in any relationship be it lifestyle or not for it to work. Patience is something that I think is lacking most of all. I know this because that is something I lack a great deal of and am learning to achieve. Or attempt to anyways.

xana

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RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/18/2005 2:46:42 PM

Voltare

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My girl says I bitch a lot, and in fact it's one of the things she enjoys about me (god knows why.) So before I comment, here's a quickie:

I hate it when threads go seven different ways and I can't seem to keep with the program!

Having said that, the first thing I thought was that when you love hard, you get burned hard. I don't think it would be unfair to say that people's interest in BDSM and Ds would be directly related to an enjoyment of the rush and excitement living dangerously gives. I know that is one of my greatest thrills!

However, the type of personality that likes to take risks is also the type of personality that is prone to reckless mistakes. That's part of life, though, methinks.

Of course, there will be a cross section of the population that is in the lifestyle, from hard core leftist liberals to hard core right wings, to homosexuals to homophobes, from cat people to dog people. The thing we all definately have in common, is an interest in interaction that is generally considered unusual and often extreme.

Stephan

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RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/19/2005 7:33:22 AM

MemphisDsCouple

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Joined: 11/1/2004
From: Memphis, TN, USA
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Morality

I tried to not write this. But my conscience won't let me get away with it.

As I write this, I am consciously avoiding citing other writers who have posted to this topic. I do not want what I write here to be taken as a personal indictment of any individual. At the same time, to allow the advocacy of immorality to stand unchallenged is to tacitly condone that immorality. My conscience will not allow that. Therefore, I offer the following in the spirit of addressing the topic of morality as a topic, not as an act of condemnation of any individuals. So, without further ado:

I watched "Bound" (again) recently. (I love that movie.) In it, the character who has been to prison was asked what her crime was. She answers: "The redistribution of wealth." Sounds like Robin Hood, doesn't it? Ask any liar, thief, murderer, rapist, abductor, shoplifter, scam artist, fraud, pickpocket, grifter, ponzi schemer..... and on and on ad infinitum. The vast majority have some justification handy.

When we act immorally, does that make us a bad person? Yes. It does.

Is entering a committed, definitionally life-long relationship a promise? Yes, it is. To commit is to obligate oneself. It is to bind oneself. (http://www.webster.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=committing )

To break a commitment is an immoral act.

I have committed acts of immorality in my life. We all have. Did that make me a bad person? Yes. It did. However, through subsequent acts of recognizing the wrongfulness of my actions, remorse for that immorality, making amends (as possible) for that immorality, renunciation of that past immorality, making a commitment (there's that word/concept again) to never repeat that immorality and actually living up to that commitment to never again act immorally in that way - I can find/achieve redemption, put that immorality behind me and again become a good person.

OTOH..... if I try to justify the immorality of which I was guilty, if I refuse to renounce it, if I try to condone it, if I say it is ok, then I am not "absolved of my sin" (and no, I am not Catholic) as the saying goes.

Breaking relationship commitments is not something to be justified. It is not something to be condoned any more than lying to obtain money is something to be condoned. Lying is lying and breaking trust is breaking trust.

The fact that our legal system allows (or even facilitates) people to practice or to get away with an immoral act does not make the act moral. The fact of the legality of divorce does not make it moral to practice divorce. And, legality of divorce certainly does not make it moral to break commitments or to extol the advantages of or to glorify in the availability of a legal means of breaking solemnly made commitments.

We have a concept called the "honest mistake". It means we didn't think things through. We didn't realize at the time we were doing something wrong, or at least we didn't realize the magnitude of our wrong. To advocate the ease of breaking commitments is not an "honest mistake". It is a calculated practice of deception.

If I make a mistake and try to change, that's one thing. If I make a mistake and brag about how easy it is and how much I profited from the law allowing me to do it - that's another thing entirely, morally speaking.

And finally, a marriage is a formal, public acknowledgement of a commitment, but it is an acknowledgement only. The meat, if you will, the meaningfulness of that commitment need not be formalized by a marriage ceremony. Lying is lying. Breaking trust is breaking trust.

Postscript:

The reader is welcome to print or save this post for your own use. Please do not copy it to any public or semi-public forum (including email groups/lists) without my express permission. Thanks. All rights reserved. (I write this postscript because after-the-fact someone wrote to me to inform me that they had copied a prior post I wrote to another list. So, I thought I'd better clarify what my preference/policy is regarding use of what I write.)

B. (the male half of MemphisDsCouple)

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RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/19/2005 12:52:06 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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I think it's simply a mistake to say that if a relationship ends due to factors beyond death that its either immoral or a failure. People change and grow beyond who they are now. It's not immoral to be honest about it or to follow through with it. Nor is it a failure.

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RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/19/2005 3:41:40 PM

ScooterTrash

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I can only relate to my own experiences, but personally I feel a collar is probably as binding and maybe more so than a wedding ring..but then that is just me. I have seen the trend you speak of and I believe the major cause is the same one that has put more of us together than ever before. The internet has made meeting others in the lifestyle easier, but for many it is simply an on-line thing which does tend to make it somewhat virtual. I have seen the influx of what is termed "velcro" collars, but again I think those collars are less significant than the good old leather and hardware types. Now don't go off on me on-liners, I know of many that have started this way and stay together for R/L after, but in many cases this doesn't happen. I met my life mate on-line so I do have mixed feelings on this, but at the first opportunity I did make an effort to meet up close and personal, been together every since and I have no doubt what so ever that we will be together till we meet our end. Of course ours took a twist..we tried the collaring thing till we figured out we were both Dominants, so we got married and now we have to settle for collaring others, tag team style..lol.

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RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/19/2005 3:48:50 PM

Tangwystal

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MemphisDsCouple... now THAT was a thought provoking post. There are times that I do things without knowing why. Sometimes I figure if other times I don't, but then along comes some insight and it's a Homer Simpson moment.

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Tangwystal

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RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/19/2005 9:36:21 PM

Youtalkingtome

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I totally agree with riotgirl.And disagree with EmeraldSlave2.And everyone else falls somewhere in between.
A commitment is a promise.And in any type of relationship it is not always smooth sailing.So you have to work at keeping that commitment/promise.
If anyone can't keep a promise then they shouldn't make any.If you know you can't keep a promise then you are commiting fraud.
And that is the problem today.People make a commitment today and for many reasons they decide that they want out of the relationship.So that promise means nothing.
They will often say it meant something when they made the commitment/promise.
And I totally disagree with that type of thinking.A commitment/promise never changes.
It is only as good as the person that made the commitment/promise.So what that means is these people that can't make good with their commitments/promises are not the type that should be in a relationship.So either they entered a commited relationship and didn't fully know themselves or they are just bad people.You need to know and understand yourself before you try to know and understand another person and make a commitment/promise to another person.
I have been there before.I was in a vanilla marriage and she had a miscarriage and took up drinking and wanted a divorce so she could be a party girl.I didn't cut and run.I did everything I could do to save the marriage.But you can't get mental help for people that don't want it unless they threaten to kill someone.
I would do it all over again.I would never divorce or uncollar because I am unhappy.I am a man of my word.It doesn't matter what I promise.If I make a promise I will do everything I can to keep my promise.I know everyone is different but if everyone thought more like me their would be very few divorces.Like many years ago.No lawyers because their would be no need for them.All you need is a handshake.
I know this makes me out to be high and mighty.I try to be better than most of the population.

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