does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the end of a nilla relationship?

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the end of a nilla relationship?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the end of a nilla relationship?

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the end... - 5/6/2004 7:18:39 AM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

after reading many post about couple that have split. i wonder if a BDSM split differs from a nilla split. What i mean is does a Dom/me handle things differently when a relationship ends then a nilla partner does? Does a Dom/me do things to help the sub/slave to adjust to being without a Master/Mistress?

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the... - 5/6/2004 8:14:12 AM

MistressDREAD

Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

~Please excuse My entry here Masters~

even tho you put this in the ask a Master
since you added Dommes to the question
I am giving My opinion based off of My
personal experiance and how it differs
in the ending of the vanilla relationships
I know of. This information is based off
of a relationship that is not based on
marraige but simply a Mistress/slave
relationship = to a freind turned lover
nilla relationship. in the nilla relationship
I seen two people whom suposivly cared
about one another have one fight and in
this fight both walked out of the relationship
with out resolving the problem first off nor
seeing to either ones well being after they
both walked out of the relationship. In the
end of a relationship I have had with short
term slave contracts I not only see to their
new placements under a new colar or contract
but make sure that if one is not obtained
they stay with in the present situation untill
they have secured them selfs enough to feel
able to go out on their own if the options to
continue a contract is not a option becuase
of differing needs or the deisire to move on
to sumthing different. This agreement is set
out in the contract befor the relationshio begins
and has always worked well for the BDSM
partys involved for they knew what to expect
as the end of a relationship came near and
there was no pressure or worry if one choose
not to renew a contract what would happen
and this saved much fear or worry one
might have to bicker to find a way out. I have
had only one situation where a slave left
out of My Home with out going to another
colar and Home and this was where He had
professed that He felt He was a Switch and
not a slave and desired to become a Love
interest in My Life where this was not a
option for Me and He choose to leave out
on His Own instead of taking the Option I had
set up of Him going to a Masters Home I was
Freinds with and whom delt with Switches. I
still after he left seen that he was secure where
he ended up going and We still to this day write
once a year or so to tell one another how We
are doing. I think the bottom line here is how
Mature a Person is in their relationships no
matter what kind it is and a Dominant whom
follows BDSM proticals will always see to it
that the slaves/sub with in Their care are
always safe and secure as they move thru
their Ownings and life because this is what a
slave or sub needs from a Dominant where
vanilla breakups tend to be loose and not based
on any thing other then the peoples personal
needs which is not that secure so when they do
end they have no security to fall back on or
integrity, care or protical that directs them any
how and abuse the care or love of the people
involved to a sad and undesirable end.JMO

Attachment (1)

(in reply to liljoy)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the... - 5/6/2004 1:56:42 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: liljoy

after reading many post about couple that have split. i wonder if a BDSM split differs from a nilla split. What i mean is does a Dom/me handle things differently when a relationship ends then a nilla partner does? Does a Dom/me do things to help the sub/slave to adjust to being without a Master/Mistress?

I'm only speaking from one person here. I've only had one relationship prior to the one I am in currently. For me, it was a mutual release. I didn't want to leave the country. He had to due to military. So, it wasn't too bad.
However, if my current Dom and I broke up today...yep it would be different than any vanilla relationship I've ever broken up with. We are much closer. We both rely on each other more so than I have ever relied on anybody in the past.
Now, perhaps I am mis-speaking as well. It could just be because our relationship is so good at the moment. I'm not sure why.
Although I know I would fall much harder when all control went away at a moments notice.

(in reply to liljoy)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the... - 5/6/2004 8:51:15 PM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

MistressDREAD,
Thank You for You well thought out answer. i don't know about helping the sub/slave find a new Dom/me would be the right answer for most. What i'm trying to figure out from Your post is where is the time to deal with the grief of loss? i see subs/slaves posting here about how heartbroken they are at the loss and looking hard for a new Master/ Mistress. To those posts others are recomending a time for healing. i'm sure there is a time for healing in Your situations that i didn't pick up from Your post. Would You please explain that a little for me?
Also on a side note i have another question for You. If most of Your contracts have been for three months, do You see a lot of struggle from those that have served You to be able to submit? The reason i ask is because i am sure it would be hard for me to submit to Master if i knew that in three months the whole thing could change.
Please understand that nothing in this post is in anyway judging You or Your relationships but is my attept to understand.
Thanks
lil_joy_Laz

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the... - 5/6/2004 9:48:21 PM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

sub4hire,
i agree if Master and i ever split it would be much much harder on me than any nilla splits i've gone through. i think it's because of the submission, which makes me more dependant on Him than i've ever been before.
lil_joy_Laz

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the... - 5/7/2004 12:06:59 AM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

Part of the reason I left the lifestyle for a long time was that none of the relationships I saw in the people I was around lasted longer than 2-3 months.

I seek somebody who will be there in the good times and the bad, not just for the infatuation phase of a relationship.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to liljoy)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the... - 5/7/2004 12:46:22 AM

MistressDREAD

Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

of course liljoy
My contracts start at
6 months then one year
then three year then
five year then lifetime.

those whom speak of sorrows
are those whom dident have a
amicable release or seperation
lil how ever in My relationships
all is known up front hence there
are little to no sorrow other then
if the relationship ends a short time
to get use to the persons absence
from the Home. all but one of Mine
moved into another relationship I
had secured for them and there
was no time for them to miss Me
nor morn a loss as there was none.
They always had sumone whom
cared for them and were always
secure in a home and in servitude.
I hope this makes plain better
how the way things work for Me.
And lil My answer was not well thought
out I simply wrote what goes on in
My every day life, no need to think
at all . LOL! you say that:
quote:

i don't
know about helping the sub/slave
find a new Dom/me would be the right
answer for most
But this is OUR
Lifestyles ways and proticals it is a
Dominants responcibility once a kollar is
placed on a suplicant that it never be
removed again and this is what makes Us
different from nilla relationships and living.
I do not look at a slaves whom contract
for servitude ends as being sumthing that
I would mourn or have grief over. See its
one thing to look for a nilla relationship
and based it off of love however We
are NOT nilla and Our relationships if a
Lifestyler are based first off of Lifestyle
need. For a small few it becomes love
but not as often as many would like and
this too is a reason I feel that there are
so many subs whom walk around in a
turmoil of emotions all the time going from
one relationship to another is because
they apply nilla feelings and wants to a
Lifestyler relationship and expect it to turn
out as a nilla one would and that simply is
not the fact. I aquire the posession
by contract of servitude of slaves. Sum are
short term sum are long term. sum I have
feelings for sum I look at as simply a contract
and sum I actually Love BUT I do not nor
am not IN LOVE with any slave. I do not look
nor seek Love in one I expect to serve Me.
I do however expect to have the slave totally
smittin with Me in order to serve Me to My
desires. This is the same with many Doms I
see as they desire the female slave to totally
worship Them but have no desire to have them
fall in love with them and only desire them for
their servitude and use even if the sub or slve have
fallen in love with Them. There is a distint differance
in slave 24/7 servitude and submissives sum timy
submitting. There is a differance in the
way a Master or Mistress looks at a slave
and a Dom or Domme looks at a submissiive.
Im not sure where you got the three months
from but Ill go and check My first post to see
if there is a typo there. JMO

(in reply to Sinergy)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the... - 5/7/2004 1:20:01 AM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

MistressDREAD,
Thank You!! that did make it clearer for me.
lil_joy_Laz

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the... - 5/7/2004 9:08:55 AM

DivanDaddy

Posts: 31
Joined: 4/5/2004
Status: offline

From our standpoint being a married Mistress & Master - releasing and ending a relationship with a submissive does, indeed, feel like a relationship ending. It does though, depend on how emotionally, spiritually and deeply you are involved day to day with the submissive, their personal life and to what extent it crosses over to yours. We have had submissives whom we grew heavily attached to after spending quite some time with, and others who simply were excercise for us. Still, the character of the particular submissive does indded reflect how deeply we as a Dominant couple, will become involved.

Daddy

Diva & Daddy
http://www.deliciousdecadence.com/

(in reply to liljoy)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the... - 5/8/2004 5:42:57 AM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

Sinergy,
Do you think they end more/sooner than nilla relationships? i've seen many r/t couples that have been together for years. i do think that there often seems to be a rush to collar. When that happens i agree the relationships end pretty soon after the collaring. Online only relationships seem to be most famous for the velcro collars but i have seen it in r/t also.
lil_joy_Laz

(in reply to Sinergy)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the... - 5/8/2004 9:25:09 AM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

Well, I think the problem is the relationship starts out too quickly. Romance rituals are there for a reason, and the whole exchange sexual checklists, meet for coffee, bump fuzzies, beating, approach which is common in on-line relationships doesnt seem to make for lasting relationships.

This may just be me, but I am trying a different approach this time.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to liljoy)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: does the end of a BDSM relationship differ from the... - 5/9/2004 5:13:55 PM

Rendclaw

Posts: 25
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

For me, the ending on a vanilla relationship was much easier to deal with than ending a D/s one. I was engaged to be married in a vanilla relationship, and it was fine for a time, until I had these yearnings to control and dominate, not to mention at the same time, through no fault of my fiancee, I started to yearn for more than one loving, caring relationship at one time. Once I started to explore these feelings and emotions, I could not go back to a vanilla relationship. Ending it was painful, but not nearly as painful as when a loving, caring D/s relationship came to an end about two and a half years ago. She was not only my submissive and slave, but she was the love of my life, and by far my primary submissive. The way that ended and the residual emotions still affect me to this day.

(in reply to Sinergy)

Profile

Post #: 12