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So what happens? - 12/16/2006 1:48:44 PM

Pearlsaswinger

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When a D/s relationships ends and you can't talk to anyone - friends, colleagues, family - because they could never understand what it means to be owned and to be left by your owner and to serve but have no one to serve?

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RE: So what happens? - 12/16/2006 1:53:39 PM

slavejali

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I guess you come on a chat-board and share with people here

Sorry you are feeling down, separation is never an easy thing, within D/s relationships or not.

You know, you could talk to the people around you. You don't have to give them the nitty gritty details of the dynamics of your broken relationship..but you can describe it in ways that general people can relate to. People in general understand words like "intense, passion, feeling like part of you is missing from the break-up etc"

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RE: So what happens? - 12/16/2006 1:55:10 PM

juliaoceania

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I believe that grief over a relationship that ends is the same process no matter what form that relationship takes. The closer that person is to you, the more intense the grieving process. I remember distinctly what my mother went through when she lost my father when she was only 40 (he passed away young). No one her age understood what it was to lose a mate, father of 4 of children, husband and best friend of 23 years. There are some things that defy others being able to understand exactly what they feel like.

There is something everyone understands, it transcends explanation, and that is loss. As far as the specifics, well if you have D/s friends, they can understand things about your relationship that you are grieving that others would not understand, but the depth of loss transcends D/s... it is a part of the human condition.

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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RE: So what happens? - 12/16/2006 2:05:41 PM

Voltare

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While your friends and family might not understand the specifics, I doubt they'll need to. Everyone goes through break-ups, and knows what it's like to be alone. You don't have to say you're dying for a good spanking - "I really miss him" will probably suffice.

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RE: So what happens? - 12/16/2006 3:02:36 PM

LTRsubNW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Pearlsaswinger

When a D/s relationships ends and you can't talk to anyone - friends, colleagues, family - because they could never understand what it means to be owned and to be left by your owner and to serve but have no one to serve?

I actually find that when that happens, and I gather, corral people and then arbitrarily shoot them in a blind and bloody mess, leaving entrails for others to clean up, I'm much happier and calm.

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RE: So what happens? - 12/16/2006 4:03:53 PM

KatyLied

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~quick reply~
Why can't you just say that a relationship that meant a lot to you has ended? You don't need to give people every detail of your life. It's probably too much information.

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RE: So what happens? - 12/16/2006 4:16:18 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Along with the good advice of everyone, it's fairly arrogant to suggest that your pain is not able to be understood by someone else just because they aren't in your particular situation.

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RE: So what happens? - 12/16/2006 4:43:11 PM

SusanofO

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I'd do several things...

1) Have a good cry.

2) Eat some "comfort food"- whatever you like: Ice cream, Mac n' Cheese, etc. (if you can eat, and are hungry at all).

3) Watch whatever you want to on tv, or get a good book and try to read it. Or, go see movie you've wanted to see. Alone, if necessary (maybe that's better anyway).

4) Plan a "day of pampering" for yourself (if you're into this sort of thing): Get a manicure and-or pedicure, buy yourself lunch at a nice place, get a new hair cut, or a massage, etc.

5) Tell someone else you feel very down and you've "lost" someone (don't need to be too specific on that, as was stated; they'll be able to relate, somehow. If they can't - then I'd politely excuse yourself, and repeat 1-4 (or a combo of them. or at least one of them).

6) Don't waste precious time looking at all of the "things that went wrong - or were wrong" w/the relationship, whose "fault" that was, etc. In fact, don't anaylze it at all - unless you actually believe that will do you any good at all, at this point.

7) Realize that (eventually) this too shall pass (it really will. Promise).

Good luck.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/16/2006 4:54:46 PM >

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RE: So what happens? - 12/16/2006 7:17:12 PM

Noah

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Pearlsaswinger

When a D/s relationships ends and you can't talk to anyone - friends, colleagues, family - because they could never understand what it means to be owned and to be left by your owner and to serve but have no one to serve?

This is a good time spend some quality time focusing outside yourself. In addition to whatever else helps you productively grieve the relationship, give some effort to making some friendships with people who can appreciate you in a more well-rounded way.

I can take a lot of months to get over a heartbreak, but a good friendship can spark up real quick if you're open to it.

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RE: So what happens? - 12/16/2006 7:36:38 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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So what happens?.....Life happens!...it goes on...and so do you...Play the sad songs,cuddle up in your most disreputable robe and fuzzy slippers,pig the heck out,get drunk, curse his name, scream into your pillow.....and then ......life will demand that you deal and go on.......I wish you well....Tempting

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RE: So what happens? - 12/17/2006 12:43:37 AM

julietsierra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Along with the good advice of everyone, it's fairly arrogant to suggest that your pain is not able to be understood by someone else just because they aren't in your particular situation.

Naa, it's not arrogance. It's just someone in pain who is reeling with the feelings of something ending. Sometimes, those feelings make us truly believe - if only for that time - that no one else can possibly understand what we're going through. Later on though, when the pain begins to abate, we can finally see that we are not alone and that other people really do understand how we feel.

juliet

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: So what happens? - 12/17/2006 2:45:14 AM

Voltare

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quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

Naa, it's not arrogance. It's just someone in pain who is reeling with the feelings of something ending. Sometimes, those feelings make us truly believe - if only for that time - that no one else can possibly understand what we're going through. Later on though, when the pain begins to abate, we can finally see that we are not alone and that other people really do understand how we feel.

juliet

Um, what she said & stuff.

Getting hurt sucks. It makes us see the world through icky brown J-Lo sunglasses with Paris Hilton binges and Anna Nichole Smith denial.

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RE: So what happens? - 12/17/2006 2:51:35 AM

SusanofO

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I almost flushed a pearl necklace someone had given me down the toilet once. Thank goodness my sister stopped me in time.

Her words: "For God's sake - be practical. He's just a man! This is valuable jewelry!" (yes, I am joking. I am not that shallow (really). She had a good point, in a way, though. And I do still have the necklace).

I am not making light of your pain (not at all) The motto is (in case it's crossed your mind) - Don't do anything rash in the heat of an emotional moment. Seriously. Call someone first. Good luck. I'll say several prayers for you.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/17/2006 3:18:23 AM >

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And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: So what happens? - 12/17/2006 12:16:39 PM

adaddysgirl

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When my first Daddy Dom and i split up, it almost felt like the end of the world to me. It was the most intense relationship i ever had yet there was no one close to me that i could have talked to about it. i mean, they looked at him as any vanilla guy i dated and i never told them anything different.

When we split up, i cried for days. my oldest son was home on leave at the time and came right out and said he had never seen me so upset over a guy before. Other than saying i lost someone very special to me, i just could not explain the true depth of my loss to him.

At the beginning, i was pretty much at rock bottom. Then it got a tad better each day. As a matter of fact, i read in a book where someone said 'i know it's getting better because instead of thinking about you 1000 times a day, i only think about you 500.' And that is how it went for me too. i enjoyed myself as much as i could...and grieved in between....and i slowly felt better.

6 months later, out of the clear blue sky, he wrote me an email saying that i didn't realize he was falling in love with me. i wrote back and said if that was the case, then why did he let me go? i never heard back.

6 months later, he wrote again and said he realized he had made a big mistake. But ya know what? By then it didn't matter. i could never trust that he wouldn't just let me go like that again so i was no longer interested in anything with him. Who could have thought i would have been able to say that one year later?

So i had done my grieving....and i moved on. Yes, it felt like hell at first but i am a firm believer that time does heal all wounds....if you allow it too...and that when one door closes, another one opens....if we just keep an eye out for it. i learned a lot about myself through all that and i came out a stronger person for it. Give yourself the chance, and you will too. Something better awaits you

Best wishes to you,
Daddysgirl

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RE: So what happens? - 12/17/2006 1:49:48 PM

Sirandlittle1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

There is something everyone understands, it transcends explanation, and that is loss. As far as the specifics, well if you have D/s friends, they can understand things about your relationship that you are grieving that others would not understand, but the depth of loss transcends D/s... it is a part of the human condition.

But does it?
For me, the trust i have forged into this relationship, the level of communication, has surpassed anything ive experienced before, so i would anticipate more loss. As ive come to depend on my dominant in a way i have never 'depended' on another. Ive invested more of myself at the core, into this relationship than another.
So my premiss is that it would be more painful in some ways.

When things are not going well, when life throws too many curve balls and you've only got one bat, that's when i feel i cant talk to my friends about my relationship issues, as what they say, advise etc, really wont work in a D/s framework. That's tricky. And here in hicksville QLD (god i hate this place) kink friendly counsellors dont grow on trees.

Sometimes, ill come here and read. But have you noticed the distinct lack of openess of what to do when things go wrong. If you post a real issue, ive noticed that often, the advice is just as inadequate as vanilla's, leave him, move on, plenty more doms in the sea etc. But, i love this Dom, and this is a long term relationship, like a marriage, you dont just leave, you have to work through, around and over difficult spots.
I know that were i to ever jack this in, i will never submit again. That may sound stupid, but i had serious trust issues coming into this, they wont survive a split. It's hard enough for trust to survive lifes curve balls.

Personally, i find D/s complicates relationships issues. My D/s addresses my core needs. When things dont go smooth in life, and neither of your needs are being met, im not talking wants here, im talking needs. Then you start to suffer at your core. You have to sustain yourself, until the tables turn, and everyone's back on board the D/s train.

yeah, tricky at time is D/s.

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RE: So what happens? - 12/17/2006 2:13:44 PM

domiguy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I almost flushed a pearl necklace someone had given me down the toilet once. Thank goodness my sister stopped me in time.

Wow! Most women I know just wash them off...very few go to the extreme of sticking head down the toilet...you must have really loved him and his spunk....lol.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 12/17/2006 2:20:39 PM >

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RE: So what happens? - 12/17/2006 2:38:06 PM

LokisBrat

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As with any experience.....take and hold on to the useful knowledge you gained and discard the rest. Use the positive experiences to develop your mental growth and use the negative as a reminder and lesson to not repeat.

LOKI

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"My pleasure, your pain. Doesn't matter, its all the same"

-Loki

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