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Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 2/19/2005 4:41:10 PM

JohnnyBoi

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

Hi all,

I'm somewhat new to the BDSM community - a better way to say it is that I'm thinking about coming into the BDSM community. I'm wondering if its right for me and had a few questions to ask.

Basically, I'm a 22 year old male. I'm very submissive sexually and in relationships and am happy to be dominated. I am willing and eager to clean a woman's house and do everything she wants and nothing I want during sex. These desires probably arn't as strong as they are for some, but they've been with me since puberty and they're fairly deeply rooted in my personality.

That said, its strictly a sexual interest. I'm fairly assertive in my normal life, and I don't want to give up my normal life for the sake of my sexual interest. If BDSM were a part of a romantic relationship, I would want the relationship to be equal and loving. (apart from the, you know, BDSM.)

I guess what I'm saying is, I want to be a toy, but a well loved toy.

So far, my perception of the BDSM community is that it tends to be the opposite of what I'm looking for. The women becomes a Dominant, because the man desires a Dominant. The man is actually in control of the sex, and so the woman expects to be somehow compensated in other ways. Possibly through favors or money from the man, or possibly by various "emotional perks" that the woman feels she can't find in more mainstream relationships.

Of course, I know very little about the community, so its possible that my perceptions are totally wrong. I'm hoping that they are.

So, do you think I might be able to find what I'm looking for in the BDSM community, and if so, how should I go about finding it?

Submissively yours,

Johnny

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RE: Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 2/19/2005 5:30:21 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnnyBoi

So far, my perception of the BDSM community is that it tends to be the opposite of what I'm looking for.

Your perceptions are naive and wrong. :)

If you can THINK of a situation, people out there are living it, and VERY happy about it.

Many many relationships in ds involve love and care.

quote:

So, do you think I might be able to find what I'm looking for in the BDSM community, and if so, how should I go about finding it?

Submissively yours,

Johnny

The same way you were taught to look for it in vanilla. Really.

(in reply to JohnnyBoi)

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RE: Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 2/19/2005 6:06:47 PM

liltxsubby

Posts: 328
Joined: 11/18/2004
From: TX
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quote:

I guess what I'm saying is, I want to be a toy, but a well loved toy.

So far, my perception of the BDSM community is that it tends to be the opposite of what I'm looking for.

Unless things are completely different for male subs and female Dommes than they are for female subs, and male Doms, your perception could not be farther from the truth. There are some subs that want to be treated only as a toy, and many Doms that enjoy fulfilling that craving. However, there are jus as many, if not more D/s relationships where love nad caring are there. i care for my Dom, he cares for me. Sure i'm his toy sometimes, but he always has my best interests at heart. i may do some things i'm not exactly thrilled about, but i do it becuase wanting to please him is above my own pleasure.

Hope this has shed some light for you. i'm sure you'll be able to dfind a Domme that matches what you want.

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RE: Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 2/19/2005 7:11:32 PM

SecretDomme

Posts: 152
Joined: 1/21/2004
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I would encourage you to expand your knowledge about those of us who seek or live in D/s relationships that are filled with love and respect. There are many. If your knowledge is based simply on profiles you read on a site, you might have a skewed view of what is out there. I would suggest you attend some local BDSM groups and see real people who desire what you are seeking.

I am dominant because I love it and it is part of me, not because someone else wants me to be dominant.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to JohnnyBoi)

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RE: Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 2/19/2005 7:13:45 PM

velvetvixen

Posts: 378
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline

I have a Master and our realationship is equal and loving.

He is dominant, I am submissive (equal) I am loved and cared for, He is loved and cared for (loving)

I think that cleaning house is the least of the equation. Just as a :vanilla" relationship evolves, so does a D/s, M/s, etc. evolve. The whole thing is to define what you want early on-- is it based only on sex/sexual activies or do you occasionally want a cup of coffee and a conversation.

We started out as (in His words) "just about sex" but have evolved into something much more that has included my collaring.

I suppose that the point of this is to talk about what you want and if and when those needs/desires change, talk about it again. There really is no definition of "what" a "slave" or "submissve" does. That is negotiated between you and your dominant.

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RE: Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 2/19/2005 10:35:43 PM

subgreg

Posts: 50
Joined: 11/29/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnnyBoi

So far, my perception of the BDSM community is that it tends to be the opposite of what I'm looking for. The women becomes a Dominant, because the man desires a Dominant. The man is actually in control of the sex, and so the woman expects to be somehow compensated in other ways. Possibly through favors or money from the man, or possibly by various "emotional perks" that the woman feels she can't find in more mainstream relationship.

Being new it is understandable that your views would be quite misguided. The type of relationship you mentioned does exist, but I could not say how common it is. It seems to be more a case of either topping from the bottom, in which the partner in the supposedly in the submissive role is actually calling the shots, or a pro-domme arrangement, in which play is exchanged for compensation. Also, I am not sure what you mean by emotional perks, but assuming that a woman involves herself in BDSM only as a second option does a disservice to both the woman and the lifestyle.

When it comes to finding exactly what you are looking for in a BDSM relationship, have no fear, it is out there. You need to start by getting to know people real time. Go to your local munches. A good place to start is Club FEm SoCal. In addition, continue to do what you have started. Get educated. Read these forums and other sources on the internet. A good place to start is the Wizdomme newbie pack.

Good luck in your search.

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RE: Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 2/19/2005 11:26:30 PM

JohnnyBoi

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Joined: 2/19/2005
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Glad to hear I was wrong! Thanks for the kind words.

On a related note, does anyone know of a good book/website that has advice for a newbie? Its a little intimidating, and clearly there's a lot I don't know!

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

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RE: Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 2/20/2005 2:22:31 AM

fencerpet19

Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline

Hi there,
I'm pretty new to all of this too, but I have found that bdsm is exactly what you're looking for

It is very equal (though to many it seems just the opposite) and is both caring and loving. My Master understands why I choose to submit, and is happy to give me the opportunity. In turn, I understand that he craves my submission, and finds joy in Dominating me. I'd try talking to a few switches about the differences in the relationship.

As for websites and books, I'm sure proudsub will pop on here with a whole list of threads to read. But in my experience, I learned a TON from http://www.leathernroses.com/ It has articles on everything! Other than that, a quick search on google will give you lots of results.

Also, one book I've heard is a must-read is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns - by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon. (I'll be picking up that one soon!) Anyway, good luck!
~FP

< Message edited by fencerpet19 -- 2/20/2005 2:24:14 AM >

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RE: Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 2/20/2005 2:49:33 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

subgreg and I are local to you. I highly encourage you to follow his suggestion and go to a munch. It is a place to get to know others who are into kink and realize that they are normal folks with a different type of sex life. A munch is just a dinner in a public place and while going to the first one can be hard, they are very low stress. Nothing is expected of you other than manners.
There is a Club FEm munch in Costa Mesa on March 3rd (Tuesday) from 7:30 to 9:30. Feel free to write to greg or me on the regular CollarMe site if you'd feel better getting to know some people before you come. Greg is also fairly new to submission, (half a year) but has a lot of experience for one so new. He started by joining Club FEm and going to their parties. Hope to see you at a munch!

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RE: Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 4/23/2005 7:57:54 PM

sassysub12000

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/23/2005
Status: offline

hello , i think i have found the right Master, but i have a question. This man hunted me down like a dog wanted to talk everyday and i didnt have much to say for the first few weeks. i deside to get to know him and i like him very much . He said he wants me as his sub, but has backed off a little, i dont know what to do . is this a man thing or what.should i give him a little time. please help

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RE: Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 4/24/2005 3:33:38 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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It doesn't matter what kind of thing it is- you're obviously not happy about it and not sure...that should tell you enough to wait.

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RE: Expecations, and other questions from a newbie. - 4/29/2005 11:44:16 AM

stormsfate

Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

It doesn't matter what kind of thing it is- you're obviously not happy about it and not sure...that should tell you enough to wait.

Well if she isn't happy about it, what would make her think he is the "right" one and why would she be asking for advice on how to keep him from continuing to back off? I'm confused.

f

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