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Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/21/2006 2:48:11 PM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		Losing my Master in June so suddenly, I find it hard to get into the holiday spirit..For my children, I put up the tree, turn on the Christmas music and bake cookies..I found this site that has helped me get through some of the difficult thoughts..I hope it helps you as well.. Does anyone else know of any good grief websites? Thankyou

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Our greatest glory is not in never falling-but in rising every time we fall ( Confucius )
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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/21/2006 2:52:10 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Krissi...have you gone to hospice?  They helped when my husband died.

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/21/2006 2:59:00 PM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		No I have not gone to hospice but remember when my late Master's grandmother passed away at hospice (in house)...they were very wonderful people...I wasn't sure if they offered help to those not involved with hospice prior to death...but I will check into them..thankyou

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Our greatest glory is not in never falling-but in rising every time we fall ( Confucius )

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/21/2006 3:03:27 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		You are so very welcome.  I know exactly how you feel.  My kids were 2 and 5 when my husband died...right around the holidays.  It sucked!  But you do what you have to, right?  Hospice was good for them (and for me also) and no, we hadn't been involved with them prior to his death.  (He died quite suddenly.)

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/21/2006 4:16:43 PM   
CalliopePurple


Posts: 2539
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: SeaTac area
Status: offline 		My grandfather has just stopped treatment for his prostate cancer. The doctors have said he probably has six months left, so this Christmas is really weird. Granted, I'm not all that close to him because I haven't had much contact with him over my life, but it's still the first blood relative I stand to lose.

It makes visiting him awkward.


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Kimi ni aitakute dare yori mo aitakute
hajimete kimi ni atta hoshizora no shita de.
Kimi ni tsutaetai todokanai omoi demo
boku no kokoro wa mada kimi o sagashiteiru.

Gackt - Kimi ni Aitakute

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/21/2006 5:01:39 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		My husband died July 30, 2006.  We didn't know he was even ill.  I joined an online group called For Widows Only.  There are others that are in the group that were not married legally but their spirits were entertwined as husband and wife.  For me Master/slave/sub is even more powerful than the husband/wife relationship and as a member of the group i would like to invite you to join the group.  We have many topics that we discuss regarding all aspects of grief and how we are feeling and dealing with it.  The support is awsome.  While i do not share that i am in the life i have admitted in the past to having had an open marriage.  So would ask that you not out me if you join but by all means do let me know privately as some of our issues are different than vanilla and perhaps we could help each other.

diamond

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"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/21/2006 9:14:07 PM   
cinderella221972


Posts: 17
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		My heart goes out to each of you dealing with loss of a loved one.  i suppose we all wish we did not understand but so many of us do.  Master's cancer took His life in Feb 2005.  i wonder if holidays or any other days for that matter will ever seem ok without Him.  i too have chatted with some groups but know it would be nice to have people who also understood this lifestyle to talk with too. 



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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/21/2006 9:23:10 PM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		What hurts the most is that you really can't discuss the lifestyle with alot of people..I have had people say to me "you were only with him a year, be glad you weren't together 20 years or more"...like the year we spent together meant nothing and that hurts...The year we spent together meant more than the 10+ years I had with my ex husband...we had a deeper love and appreciation for one another...he was more than just my soul mate ...There are times I just cannot function because I remember him guiding me..I feel almost lost...I find that the memorial site I created for him online offers me a place to go when I need to spend one/ one time with him...I will check into Hospice as well very soon..thankyou everyone for your kind words.

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Our greatest glory is not in never falling-but in rising every time we fall ( Confucius )

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/21/2006 9:45:20 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Those who would tell you that you should be grateful for it only being a year versus however longer than that are indeed quite rude and hurtful.

However, I will be one of the ones to tell you that it makes no difference that it was a "lifestyle" relationship- although I can understand it being more difficult to find people to talk about it with about specific, he still was a man and you were in a relationship with him, almost everyone can deal with that and discuss it.



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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/22/2006 6:11:36 AM   
AnAtlantaDom


Posts: 98
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline 		There is an excellent book, if it's still in print, Death, Dieing, and Grief.  Check on Amazon, it might be available there.
 
AD

< Message edited by AnAtlantaDom -- 12/22/2006 6:13:21 AM >

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/22/2006 6:26:17 AM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline
There are many books available on Amazon...in the book section just type in the title recommended above "Death, Dying and Grief"...and you will find several pages of titles.  Perhaps AAD can offer up the author of his recommendation?  Perhaps Guthman?

Anything by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on the topic would be wonderful. 
(One there, used, is less than $5).  I saw Ms Kubler-Ross speak once on the topic of death and dying...she is a remarkable woman; comforting both 'patient' and family...one who supported allowing death with dignity.  Her insite into the process of dying and support to all involved was astounding.   To me.

B

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/23/2006 3:26:39 PM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn't kill you in the making.


_____________________________

Our greatest glory is not in never falling-but in rising every time we fall ( Confucius )

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/23/2006 10:04:46 PM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		Krissi:

Remember that grief is a process. It takes it's own time with each person.
I lost my Dominant and life's partner of 17 years in 2001. I can tell you it would not have mattered if he had died a year after we began our life together, the pain would be the same. One of the things that helped me, and still helps me is keeping a close relationship with his family. His mother and sister live 800 miles aay, but we visit each other a few times a year and talk on the phone regularly. Sometimes we stroll down memory lane, sometimes we don't. Our relationships have changed since his death, and in some ways we are closer, we have a common bond. The commonality was our grief in the beginning, but as we each came to peace with it, in our own time, it is now a bond of celebration of our own lives and his footprints left on us. It's no longer saddness, it is having been blessed and having shared our lives with him. They are part of him genetically and I am part of him thru love. It is comforting for all of us < we have discussed it> to be near each other and to maintain contact and be a part of each others lives.

I am also a hospice nurse. Which did not make it easier, believe me. It's different when it is happening to you, as opposed to a stranger. As some one who works in the field of loss and grief, I will say you have been given some good advice. Hospices have Bereavement Counsilors and you can call  for help as some one pointed out. I am providing a pretty good link on grief and a few books that may help you thru this process.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

there is a very good link from the above link to American Hospice Foudation.. scroll down to " Marking Holidays and anniversaries"

Books:
Coping with Gief and Loss: A guide to healing   by   Franncesca Coltrera, AnnMarie Dadoly, Kathleen Cahill Allison

The Loss of a Life Partner:Narratives of the Bereaved

Coping with Loss-  Susan nolen-Hoeksema         

                                            mbmbn                                     

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Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/24/2006 10:48:44 AM   
SweetBobbie


Posts: 65
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline 		JerseyKrissi, first my condolences upon your loss.  Where grief and loss are  concerned the length of a relationship does not matter, the depth does!  One book helped me through the loss of both parents had a miserable marriage perhaps you might find some help there also.  It is The Prophet by the Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran.

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"No man can make you a slave. They can kill you but you must make yourself a slave." Lazarus Long aka Robert Heinlein

sweet bobbie

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/24/2006 7:51:36 PM   
SlaveSuru


Posts: 89
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline 		 

I can undestand how you feel.  My first Mistress died suddenly in November of 2004 and for a while after I was quite distressed.  My family thought it was because of my sister's recent death because they did not know about her and I and thought her as only my freind.  Now two years later I am with my Master and while he makes me happy and I am content, I still get teary eyed thinking about her.  Usually when this happens I just sit somewhere quiet and think about the happy memories of her.    This helps alot and helps me to be able to gradually let go of more and more of my grief, I also do it for the deaths of my family members.  Each time I do this the pain lessens and becomes easier to bear.

I hope it helps

Hope and warm wishes

Suru

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/27/2006 8:06:11 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		JerseyKrissi72: I can relate, I think. God bless, and hope your holidays are at least bearable. I believe while some help is available, there isn't much to be done about it except trying to ride out the pain. But, yes, other people do help, and their comapssion can sometimes make an otherwise icky day much more pleasant, I agree.

This year I lost my husband to bone cancer, and my aunt died last Tuesday (we were very close - she was my mother's only sister, and also my Godmother). Three weeks ago, I also lost a great -aunt whom I rarely saw (but she wrote to me, and I was fond of her).

Then, three years ago, I lost my mother. I still miss her. That same year, my cousin died of a cocaine overdose (and I still miss him).

I am aware that people die. But this year, there has been a slew of them for me, and it's been a little harder this year for me to "let them go", emotionally, for some reason (because I've had people in my life die before). Maybe it's because there was more than one, and they were close relatives, mostly. 

I am really looking forward to New year's Eve, so I can make a resolution to try to put all of this behind me, once and for all. Not that it will be easy, or that I'll always get it right trying to do that. I'm giving myself another week to wallow in my tears and yearning. Big plans, have I, for putting this all behind me. Hope I can really do it. I'm going to give it my best efffort. Until then, I am saying "good-bye" to them in my own heart.

This holiday season really sucked for me in the grief department , but, thanks to me having a pretty nice immediate family, we all propped eachother up and got through it fairly unscathed. I got some nice presents, too - but the holiday season for me is never about the gifts, of course.  But there are people I really, really miss - and they were nowhere to be seen. Because they're dead now.

I know how hard this can be. At least I know it's been hard for me.

My heart goes out to you, sweetie. I hope that you can find some peace of mind and sense of warmth and security and loving this holiday season. To me, that's better than almost any other gift anyone could ever attempt to give anyone, or get from someone else.

Take care and I'd suggest pampering yourself for a day or two. Go shopping or get a new haircut, or dine at some great restaurant, etc. It's okay - you're worth it. Sounds like a superficial solution, but this sometimes really makes me feel much better.  

Sincerely,

Susan   

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/27/2006 8:13:31 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Grief and The Holiday Season - 12/27/2006 8:09:34 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		By the time I was 16 I had lost both my parents. My grandparents took care of me and meant the world to me. I lost both of them a few years ago. Every holiday season I become depressed and find it very hard to muddle through. I try to find things to uplift me. I have to find diversional things to not remind me of my losses. Thats the only way I get through.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

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