RE: Too Picky????

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dvart -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/29/2006 7:34:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreeStrength True relationships begin with the first in-person smile exchanged... I totally agree. I am using online dating because I am in a foreign city, I don't like clubs, can't speak German that well and am new to D/s. It seems to me that things are too slow and too fast. Too slow because people are reluctant to have face to face meetings. Too fast because the expectation seems to be that something HAS to happen immediately. What about a drink together, a meal and WHY is friendship such a bad idea if the chemistry doesn't work? What about FLEXIBILITY? What about TRUST? Most people are OK and if you meet in a public space and tell your friends where you are then what is the problem? One of my most important real life relationships was with someone who wouldn't have met any of my check lists of desirable attributes, but I just happened to meet by chance at art school. Online I met someone who was into latex (something I didn't even know about) and it proved pretty meaningful. So I realise you women submissives get zillions of emails from people who don't even bother to read your profiles, but maybe sometimes it would be fun to loosen up a bit and give some of us Doms a bit of a chance ? Maybe he won't be "the one" but maybe you will have some fun or even gain a friend?

TPEOwner -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/29/2006 9:00:50 AM)
I'd like to thank everyone who replied to my thread. I read all your comments, and took a lot out of them. I agree with those that spoke about a balance. Where that balance lies is not so easily determined, and what to do when the other person's balance and yours don't match is also not so easily resolved. In retrospect, having played the endless internet courtship game for a while, I found that those demanding a legthy internet getting to know you period almost never met me, and that in general, the longer the wait, the less likely things were to click. I think partially that is due to our own subconscious needs. Those of us seeking something committed have an image somewhere of our ideal partner. Since so little real information passes through the internet, we subconsiously fill in the blanks with what we hope the other person is, and by the time we do actually meet, the real them can't compete with the fantasy them we are hoping for. That's one theory anyway. Maybe I should just change my profile to read "Nice dom with sharp teeth wants to meet you for lunch", and see what happens. :)

acctonthelook -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/29/2006 5:36:29 PM)
TPE i am really surprised that you are writing such a question. i am one submissive who tried to hook up with you because we are in the same area. i dismissed your dislike or 'pickyness' in woman who are obese because i am not obese, just overweight. i felt there were many areas that we would have connected on, but alas you were just as picky. it's ok to have likes and dislikes but your post is stating a question of being puzzled when you too are guilty. i have moved on, however i am really surprized and quite shocked you are even posting this question. i had to respond sorry if i offend or upset you and i'm not looking for a lashing. just being honest with my experience with you personally. good day.

Nosathro -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/29/2006 5:52:32 PM)
Tal TPEOwner I could not agree with you more. Even when you meet all their prequalifications they don't even respond with a "Thank you" I wish you well Nosathro

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/29/2006 6:12:40 PM)
I've been told I'm too picky just for saying I want a man with a job, his own transportation, and all his hair and front teeth.

LTRsubNW -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/29/2006 7:56:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TPEOwner I've been meeting prospective bdsm partners via the internet, and before that via print classified ads for well over 20 years. Back in the day, you wrote a few lines about who you were and what you were looking for and had a box number on your ad for replies. Someone contacted you or vice versa, you spoke on the phone once or twice, then you met for dinner or a drink, and if it went well, you saw them again. Very simple and quick, and the most you had to lose was a few hours of your time. (I swear to God, I read your whole prose and I though you were a woman...you could sum all this shit up in fewer than 2 sentences...ya know). Now? (*Now?* There's more?...I was already bored with the above!!!!) I was surfing female submissive ads on here yesterday, and I came across a woman who had 27 (yes I counted them) qualifications (I counted 19, but who's counting...please continue) that a prospective dominant must meet in order for her to be interested. Now I'm the first one to tell people not to settle for less than they want and need, but I have 7 or 8 must have's, and consider myself quite picky (Ya know...I've looked at your entire message herein...and I don't even see ONE "must have's {by the way...thank you for the gramatical corrections so far}). In the past 7 years that I have been actively seeking an LTR, I have yet to find anyone who met my standards (it's the trustworthy and able to trust that seems to trip them all up). (Ain't it always so). So my question for everyone is, are we over screening? ("Overscreening" is actually one word...no hyphen...just so you know). The internet gives us all the time and tools to question, disect ("dissect"...two s's) and anylyze (I can't do everything here) anyone before making any sort of decision, (corrupted sentence) but it also removes all nuance, charm, charisma and chemistry. (Paragraph/break) Is there anyone who has been doing this for any length of time who hasn't found someone who seemed perfect on line (again, see above), only to meet them and go "blech" (question mark {you need one}). (Paragraph) I wonder how many times the opposite might be true, but of course we never meet them to find out. Add in the on line liars and the game players who have everyone suspiscious (blech) of everyone else, and it's a miracle (that) anyone ever meets anyone at all. Now the safety nazis (of course, that's a capital "N") can all tune out, because I've heard it all before, but any adult who doesn't know how to arrange a safe public meeting these days isn't firing on all cylinders. (Sorry...paragraph again). Is writing lengthy profiles with 27 prequalification demands, followed by days weeks or months of online communication really a better investment of our time and energy than exchanging an e-mail or two, a phone call or two, then meeting? (Paragraph) And what's more (italics) important, (semicolon) is it a (redundant/overuse) more effective for finding suitable matches? ("or"....as in...your question begged another...and it left wanting). Uhmmm...I would say...No.

unsung -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/29/2006 8:43:37 PM)
What timing for this post, and I am glad I have standards and expectations, life has taught me things I can live with and things I am quite happy to live without. This was reiterated to me tonight in a contact, that wrote me stating interested in "using some words from my profile" and telling me how aren't we all here for the same reason "sex". I responded with not interested as not here for sex, abruptly he responded than I should not be on these boards wasting peoples time, and now is bashing me on a blog entry stating I am a time waster. Its a good thing I have a good idea of what I want, and specify such else I might get caught up talking to some wired out person such as this. The way I see it regardless of how many prequalifications are placed on someones profile, either you can meet them or you can not or not interested. It is up to you in its entirety, perhaps if one is really drawn into a profile but the standards seem to high, if really interested see if any of them are bendable. Sometimes there are things placed in profiles strictly for the purpose of detering specific characters away. And then sometimes there are a few that come along and see all the credentials and will play the sub elequently with them. There is something about only stating what you need to in the initial stages of contact, and if the general framework seems to exist between the parties talking, then open the flood gates just alittle more. If any of this has been stated previously I am sorry, I did not take the time to read all the posts. I guess I am still alittle rattled by some previous email exchange with an idiot. Has anyone thought of writing a book Domination 101 for Absolute Dummies.

eyesopened -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 5:42:39 AM)
i tend to agree with Mercnbeth but then i don't shop online for other products either because i want to see, feel, try things before making a decision. Therefore, for me, my first goal is to meet in person. That means i've had a large number of meetings and very few relationships. i count this as a positive result. i agree with TreeStrength who said "True relationships begin with the first in-person smile exchanged" i see the internet as a filtering device in anticipation of an initial meeting, not in anticipation of a relationship. i think a profile should be like a menu at a restaurant, a description designed to create interest, not the entire recipe with cooking instructions.

Fawne -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 9:08:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra " it seems people are trying, to build in a few dates, what it takes most couples years and years to develop. It appears that many people want a 25 year relationship 25 minutes into their first meet - and it just does not work that way. Beyond that, what I've also found to be true is that many people have unrealistic expectations of what they're looking for as well as unrealistic expectations of the behavior of the people they find. I can't tell you the number of times I've read "if he does _____, then I'm gone" when ______ really most often happens because of human error or mistakes in judgment. To me, people who believe other people are infallible are making the greatest mistake of all. I don't think having a lot of expectations is bad. I think that having unrealistic expectations is the problem. juliet Thank you, juliet, very much so. You put that really well.

Lillithsdream -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 9:29:08 AM)
Having phone conversations is imperative to me~! Audio, the voice inflections, ..welcoming or withdrawn? So many things you can pick up on in a conversation,....personally, if I haven't hit it off on the phone with someone, then I haven't bothered to meet them in person. Yes, I have made that mistake of not trusting my gut and thinking well, maybe this person is just "shy" or not good with phone conversations, and met them in person, only to find out that my instinct was 100% on.......not a good connection at all~! Point being is everyone has preferences and if we trust our guts to steer us, it's usually right. Lil

TPEOwner -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 9:31:35 AM)
I think what it boils down to for me, is that I have actually met very few women from internet personals in the past 7 or so years I've been using them. Out of the countless number I've talked to, sometimes for lengthy periods of time, there appears to be absolutely no correlation with what happens on the internet and what happens when we meet. The only correlations I can make with any certainty, is that the longer I talk on line with someone on line, the less likely they are to meet me, and the longer I talk with someone on line, the less likely I am to find a connection if we do meet. One of the reasons I started this thread is because it's a natural question to ask, if my screening in process is so completely ineffective, is my screening out process equally flawed? In other words, am I dismissing women I might find a real life connection with because I don't find an internet connection or don't find their profile appealing? And the follow up to that would be, is this just the case for me, or is it a more general occurrance? As an aside, I only find this to be the case with personal ads. I have met far more women, with far better results and a few great lasting friendships, from yahoo groups and forums like this one. I will like a post someone makes, and shoot them off a private message, or vice versa, we get to talking and a connection developes. So why keep my profile up or respond to them if doesn't work for me? Why not? I've developed some loose rules to hopefully prevent myself from pouring too much time and effort into black holes. Who knows, the next time could be the exception and everyone lived happily ever after. It's definately been helpful to read other people's thoughts and experiences as they have given me some things to think about, and some ideas about changes to make.

patina -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 9:38:12 AM)
If you had read my post right you would have seen i was stating that i believed a TOTAL of 2-3 months was at the most needed this crap of 3 months of dilly dallying on line was full of shit i am 50 i do not have time to put 2 yrs into checking every guy out.. It is funny though that when i posted a simliar question back 6 months ago i was told i was stupid. I was rushing it, by talking to a man and seeing him within 2 weeks i should spend 4-6 monthsbefore i go see him, I should go slow. You can not seem to make up your minds on how to tell newbiew how to do things. You have one set of advice for those who have been a sub or Dom for a few years then a different set for the same scenerio for a newbie. I think you people are prejudiced or snobs. I know you will flame me but oh well you have done so before. I know whose opinions i consider worthy the rest I just ignore. I doubt i will pay much attention to this forum anymore anyway tired of the shit. 'Patina

TPEOwner -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 9:50:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: patina If you had read my post right you would have seen i was stating that i believed a TOTAL of 2-3 months was at the most needed this crap of 3 months of dilly dallying on line was full of shit i am 50 i do not have time to put 2 yrs into checking every guy out.. It is funny though that when i posted a simliar question back 6 months ago i was told i was stupid. I was rushing it, by talking to a man and seeing him within 2 weeks i should spend 4-6 monthsbefore i go see him, I should go slow. You can not seem to make up your minds on how to tell newbiew how to do things. You have one set of advice for those who have been a sub or Dom for a few years then a different set for the same scenerio for a newbie. I think you people are prejudiced or snobs. I know you will flame me but oh well you have done so before. I know whose opinions i consider worthy the rest I just ignore. I doubt i will pay much attention to this forum anymore anyway tired of the shit. 'Patina 'Patina, I'm new here, don't know you and have never seen your posts before. I also have no idea whether you are speaking to a particular "you" or a general "you". You seem to have a problem because everyone on here has different opinions. Yeah, some people are always going to say "go left", while others say "go right", but I truly doubt the two sides are conspiring together to piss you off. The whole purpose of a forum like this is to get multiple view points, take what you like, and leave the rest. If at 50 years old, you haven't learned not to let the crap in life just pass you bye, you are going to obsess yourself into an early grave. Does the person(s) who gives you shit on here have power to raise your taxes, dye your hair green or take away your birthday? If not, then why let them bother you. Someone on this thread spent a great deal of time correcting my grammar and spelling on an earlier post in a silly attempt to anger or humiliate me. I ignored it. I could get angry and tell him what he is, but he already knows, and I'm not going to change him. In fact, the worst thing I could do to him and people like him is ignore him. Get yourself an internal ignore swith, "Patina. There isn't enough time in the day for all the good things in life. Why waste yours getting angry over crap that only has meaning if you give it meaning?

unsung -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 9:56:44 AM)
patina, if I dare. I think some of the 'taking it slow' might be the product that as newbie's there is a protective measure kicking in. Take our time so that we have defined what we seek and whom we seek to go there with. Given the extrodinary volume of idiots out there that use the 'Dom' title, going slow is not unwise advice. Normal courtships with true intent I have seen far exceed 2 month or 6 months, there are people I know still in courtship mode after a year. It does help us gauge compatibility, and considering the level of trust and mental and physical possession you are relingishing upon another to not abuse, I think and in my own opinion, that whatever time feels comfortable for you. If you feel comfortable to meet in 2 weeks go for it, but stay safe in how that first occurs. There are so many that just rush in, attempting to fill a high or buzz of some sort, and become collared in days, only to be broken. At 50 I am sure that you allow wisdom to guide you, just continue to do so. Safe journeys, and a Happy New Year to you.

juliaoceania -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 10:30:55 AM)
quote: patina It is funny though that when i posted a simliar question back 6 months ago i was told i was stupid. I was rushing it, by talking to a man and seeing him within 2 weeks i should spend 4-6 monthsbefore i go see him, I should go slow. You can not seem to make up your minds on how to tell newbiew how to do things. First of all you assume that everyone that posts here is more experienced than you, that may not be the case. Second of all, everyone here is a unique individual and will post a different thought. I do not know which thread you speak of, but I would be surprised if everyone gave you the same advice, and even if they did, it does not mean you are beholden to take that advice. Personally, when I was looking I talked to many dominants. I did not let them think they were The One for me because I had not met them. So if someone is getting to know another, without expectations, no online domination going on, I fail to understand how communication is a waste of time no matter how long people talk. I have a dominant on my friends list that I never met, will never meet, that I like as a person, he has been on my friend's list for a couple of years, I do not feel my interactions with him wasted my time because there was no expectations. I guess it is my way not to put all my eggs into one basket anymore. Talk for as long as you like, just mix it up with other people. It is not the talking that snares ya, it is the commitment to a stranger online that will make you waste your time. If a person dates lots of people until they meet the right person then they are broadening their horizons. Just my perspective.

julietsierra -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 11:05:19 AM)
Well, since I was the one who said the whole 3-5 month thing was a long time, I'll just clear this up by saying I have NEVER said "go slow in meeting someone" although I MAY have said take your time in falling for someone, hook line and sinker. Those are two very different things. In fact, what I HAVE said in other posts at other times is that this whole notion of building online relationships is - for me - full of holes and really not worth the time it takes to even get to that point. If two people are going to meet, then in the words of Larry the Cable Guy..."Gitter dun." And if they aren't, go ahead and converse. Have a great time, but building expectations of an online relationship is well....not something I'd advocate for anyone, although I do recognize that there are people for whom this has worked out nicely for. It just doesn't happen often enough to be considered a viable method for me. And regarding that earlier thread where you claim everyone told you to slow down? I don't know if this is the thread you're referring to, but in an earlier one that I remember from you, you were asking specifically for different protocols for meeting a potential dominant who had a very "old guard etiquette." For most of us - and yes, for most of us who've been doing this for a while, the focus on protocols is rather indicative of wanting to jump into a relationship before even meeting the guy. So, we (and this includes me) advocated relying on simple manners rather than making that jump to submission on a first meet. Nothing more has been said here either. First meets are just that - first meets. There is no necessity or requirement of submission. It's an opportunity to meet each other to see if something more exists upon which to build a relationship - nothing more, nothing less. Some of those first meets lead to more immediately. Some don't, but going in expecting it to happen is what people are suggesting guarding against - NOT holding out for months in order to build something that has the potential to not even exist. So the advice stands. Use this as a medium in which to find people to meet with, face to face. Then, meet face to face and see if there is even a basis for more. Don't waste time diddle-daddling around with a keyboard. If it doesn't work, you've invested no real time and you can move on to find someone who might work better for you. juliet

dawntreader -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 11:34:06 AM)
This has been a most interesting thread! The INTERNET is truly responsible for changing the way the world meets people, for what ever reason they want to meet them. i have friends all over the world that i would not have if it weren't for INTERNET. And that is an awesome thing! As a busy woman/single parent i have also used the INTERNET for vanilla dating and meeting prospective Dom's in or near my area. And usually i know a bit more about them than if i were to meet them by chance at a public place or event. In this respect, it is working as a good tool.. Nothing will ever replace the face to face meet that needs to take place as soon as it is possible and the 1 time i chose to pursue a relationship across the country for someone i thought was a great candidate to be "the one", fell to pieces because the face to face that would have been so important in determining our physical compatibility could never get "arranged" because of time, distance, and travel expenses. It seems very common in D/s and M/s to have such long distance relationships and because of the distance involved, it makes the criteria lists more important so that people are not wasting time and money to meet someone in person that might be compatible. i think the longer the distance, the more stress involved and more pressure to do in a short time what naturally takes a little longer. That being said, my current relationship is 3 hours driving distance ( my limit ) one way. i consider this a long distance relationship, but quite doable. But i think to myself, would i do this for a vanilla guy? Probably not. Sometimes we need to look a little closer to our own front doors and take the pressure off ourselves and those we wish to meet... to develop and enjoy the nuance of conversation and do it more often instead of keyboarding syntactic arrangement across the www in hopes of finding "the one" from the farthest four corners of the earth... just my 2 cents :-)

Huntertn -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 3:44:16 PM)
whats that matching company say in their tv adds...having your compatable points matched thu 60 catorgies. some subs want so much the Greek gods would have trouble matching them..[:@]

RedSavageSlave -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 5:04:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo The mix of two personalities coming together changes what they each were as 'separates' of the whole anyway. A very astute point Marie [8\|]

catfood -> RE: Too Picky???? (12/30/2006 6:42:39 PM)
oh dear. after reading this i have got to say: TPE please refrain from the navel pondering and get on with it. frankly...the "good old days" were not all that good, it was a hell of a lot more difficult to find like minded humans. now, at the click of a mouse, you have access to hundreds, nay thousands of subs seeking doms (oh dear, no capital D, somebody call the bdsm police!). the internet has been a boon to kinky folk (generic term, fill in your fav descriptor). what you choose to do with it is entirely up to you. btw, your profile is fine, but you apparently aren't willing to list your showstoppers, and instead give generalities like "intelligent, independent, need to serve," and a few other vague criteria. the only defined criterion that i found you will not humor is obesity (that didn't come off too well, btw). many "conditions" were general and obvious, irrespective of the D/s nature of the proposed relationship. in fact, if we remove all references to D/s, you spend the bulk of your time describing what anyone would expect from a partner in a healthy relationship. so, give some of these prospective partners a chance, in real life. go have coffee, tea, soda pop, whatever. and let's not forget, we all have less than stellar traits. learning to merge two imperfect humans and create something wherein the sum is greater than its parts...now that is what it is all about to me. i wish you well. ps - LTRsubNW, please feel free to edit, you had me pissing myself with your post!!! kudos!!!!

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