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what not to do - 12/28/2006 12:35:55 PM

blackwinterbyrd

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help.
We have been together as three for a year and some, long distance for a year. I can count the number of visits we have had on one hand, the number of group sexual encounters on two.

I am feeling that my limits on certian kinds of sexual contact between my boyfriend and our sub while I am not around is abusive to our sub.
I am feeling this in response to emotional outbursts (to him) and simple statements (to me) that seem to indicate a huge fucking problem.

Some people will agree that it is abusive, and say that I have no right to limit sexual contact at all because it is not in the spirit of poly, it starts a bad habit, I am a control freak etc.
Some people will say that I am being honest about what I am currently comfortable with and doing nothing wrong.
I wish I knew which was true.

In my defense, I am expanding my limits as fast as I can and every time we get together we do something new and scary, but not too scary. Every time they see each other without me for long periods (this is like, number 2) I expand what I am comfortable with them doing together. I constantly test myself and try try try to give her everything she needs. Trust, sex, and love, Space for them to have a relationship. Work from me on our own relationship. It is really depressing me to think that what she needs I simply cannot do.

Some of her frustration and obviously comes from living far away from us. I cannot fix that. Some of her frustration comes from me. From feeling like an add-on to our lives.
I desperately do not want her to feel used and devalued, but I feel quite stuck.

This is probably nobody's business, and I may get in lots of trouble, but I need input.

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RE: what not to do - 12/28/2006 12:54:50 PM

LordVelvet

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I would have to ask what was determined in the beginning of this? Were all parties aware that this is how it was going to go or are you being blindsided?

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RE: what not to do - 12/28/2006 1:11:57 PM

blackwinterbyrd

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good point.
We were all aware of the structure and its directional evolution. I was aware that she wanted something that was not being offered. She agreed anyway. Yes, I followed a recipie for disaster hoping to get soufle. Its been a nice soufle so far, but I am not sure what happens now.

< Message edited by blackwinterbyrd -- 12/28/2006 1:21:39 PM >

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RE: what not to do - 12/28/2006 2:05:36 PM

MasterFireMaam

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1) Relationships move at the pace of the slowest person. The people involved then have to decide if they can handle that slow pace or not. If your submissive finds that pace abussive, he or she has to decide if they're willing to endure that in order to maintain the relationship.

2) They are your submissive, which means that you call the shots. If you want to limit their activity, you have the right. However, they have the right to disagree and decide to obey or not. It then turns to you again and you have to decide on the consequences of that disobedience.

Master Fire

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RE: what not to do - 12/28/2006 2:24:12 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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It's not against the spirit of poly at all- the spirit of poly is everyone working towards making everyone fulfilled. Their needs are not more important than yours. Work together and decide what everyone really needs, really wants and will really be fulfilled with.

It might be a good idea to let her leash out a little bit and let her have the option to play with people close to home. Even if she never takes the option, it might make her feel a little less confined and able to get better perspective.

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RE: what not to do - 12/28/2006 3:30:37 PM

RUpainsmith

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The way I see it, if any individual in the relationship is unsatisfied with how things are going, all three must discuss it, and if someone doesn't feel that is a good idea, then the entire dynamic of the relationship needs to be reassessed. I don't know how your particular setup goes, but if any of you three are unsure, that needs to be sorted out first and foremost.

Cheers, and luck.

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RE: what not to do - 12/28/2006 3:39:41 PM

Stephann

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Great advice already. There's nothing against the spirit of Poly (from a non-poly perspective), nor abusive in your expectations. Together, the three of you set some boundaries and rules. You all established what was ok in the first place. That the old clothing isn't fitting anymore isn't a flaw or fault: in fact if they had still fit after so long, then I'd say something was wrong.

Long distance relationships are extremely painful. I've been through a couple that spanned over a year, and I will absolutely never do it again - gretchen and I have agreed if we expect to be split for more than three months, we both reserve the right to call an end to it (obviously, situation and circumstances will have to be a factor.) If the distance issue isn't likely to change in the very near future, that would have a strong influence on my feelings.

A suggestion: None of this is an issue of fault, anymore than if the washing machine dies, and you just don't have the cash to buy another one. Not assigning blame doesn't make your clothes any cleaner, though. Take a day or two, and try to decide what you want out of the relationship - both between you and your primary, and from you and the third. Suggest they each do the same. Make a list and some ideas, even: preferably in writing, so everyone can pass their feelings on to the person on the left without worrying that any one person's feelings will trump the others (this could be done by email.) With your position, and theirs firmly in hand, you'll all know better where to take what you have.

Hope it all works out for you.

Stephan

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RE: what not to do - 12/28/2006 4:29:07 PM

blackwinterbyrd

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Thanks folks. I know we will all be talking. I am just afraid of what will come out of it. There aren't any easy answers here. I really needed someone to tell me whether or not I am being a complete jerk. The distance is not likely to change, and thats bad for us and horrible for her.
I guess we have to see about loosening her leash, as albatross suggested, there aren't too many other options.

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RE: what not to do - 12/28/2006 4:38:36 PM

Stephann

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quote:

The distance is not likely to change, and thats bad for us and horrible for her.
I guess we have to see about loosening her leash, as albatross suggested, there aren't too many other options.

Then that's exactly what I'd do. It hurts, it sucks, but everyone probably learned from it. Besides, it'll make her free to meet new people, and put you in a spot where you and your guy can find someone a little closer... suited to your needs.

Stephan

Who doesn't know when not to pun.

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RE: what not to do - 12/28/2006 4:53:07 PM

blackwinterbyrd

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likely there will be loosening of her leash, not of our commitment to her. but we will see what we all decide on.

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RE: what not to do - 12/28/2006 7:29:03 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: blackwinterbyrd
likely there will be loosening of her leash, not of our commitment to her. but we will see what we all decide on.

I hope so. It can be a scary step, but I've often seen that giving someone the direct freedom of choice actually helps them realize, take responsibility and become happy with what they choose.

Sometimes setting someone free really is the best way for them to become settled in their chains.

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RE: what not to do - 12/30/2006 3:02:01 PM

blackwinterbyrd

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well! suprise suprise!
It wasn't about me at all. *chagrin*. A common mistake on my part, but I was led to believe I was supposed to do something and therefore assumed that it had something to do with me.
Things are wonderful again. Whatever is going on between them is between them.
It reminds me of my best IM away message to date: "Disclaimer: Melodrama experienced today may not reflect the actual state of things." Thanks for listening. I'm so happy they're home!

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