After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i recover?

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After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i rec... - 12/29/2006 7:31:07 AM

Posts: 42
Joined: 12/7/2006
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i am in the midst of going through the end of my relationship with my former Mistress. Most of the failure of the relationship was pointed at me, and i do take responsibility for my part in it.
i have many thoughts going through my head, and many questions as to why and how. i have given within this relationship until i was used up and had no more to give.
Many negative things were said, during the relationship, about me, my children, and the whole gamit in between. i started losing who i was, and was told so many twisted things my mind is still spinning in 100 directions. How do i recover from this ordeal and try to keep my sanity to move on and find peace.
Many people warned me to get out of the relationship, that it wasnt healthy, and on the other side of the coin i was devoted to her with my soul being. Looking back they were probably right, that the relationship was destructive, but i couldnt see it. i have a hard time seeing the negative in anyone, and usually turn any negative thing on myself and take responsibility.
i feel like i was an easy target for someone to take advantage of, having a short time before come out of an abusive marriage.
It was important for whomever i was with to understand that i had issues relating to that abuse, and my children were also affected by it. To hear of all the negative things i and they were was devestating, and i just dont know how to recover yet again from another emotionally harmful relationship and try to come out on the other side a whole human being. i have to.. i just dont know how.
i was told i was not submissive, that all i needed to do was follow and it would have been simple.
For the first 6 months it was a magical relationship, and she said i stopped trusting and believing in her.. That hurt more than anything. i am utterly rambling and making no sense, all i know it i dont want to fall apart and it feels like i am

Thank you for listening.
angelic

< Message edited by Yourangelic1 -- 12/29/2006 7:39:57 AM >

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 7:44:57 AM

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

One day at a time. Take some time for you, enjoy your life, heal, hold your head up, and a few months from now you'll be fighting off potential partners with a stick.

Not to trivialize your pain, but looking around the forums here will show a few dozen recent other breakups. Reading them may give you some comfort, and a LOT of ideas on how to get past what you're going through.

Best wishes,

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to Yourangelic1)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 7:47:18 AM

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Thank You Stephann, i will look at those, and have read some of them and you are right they were helpful.
angelic

(in reply to Stephann)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 8:05:33 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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Hello Dear,
I ended my first 1-1/2 year live in relationship with my first Dom 7/29/06.
I understand the whirlwind of emotions you're dealing with right now.
My D/s relationship knocked me so off my own two feet liek no other relationship ever did in my life it was like being 16 and not having a clue as to how to live on my own any more.
I too had given up who I was for the Sir I served and it was never enough and my submission was completely and selfishly mismanaged.

What worked for me was I took 2 full months off from being around lifestyle people or participating in the community at all other than in here in the message boards.
I sort of did a stay home and lick my wounds so I wasn't out expressing my thoughts I'd regret later or being deemed negative or sad by the community.
YOu know people ask you things and poof it's out of your mouth with no chance to review what you said before the community sees or hears it.
In here I learned a lot about my feelings posting in these boards as I edited out some of the things I was saying in frustration and pain.
I took that time away from the face to face community and play partners to find day to day things in my life I enjoyed that I did just for me.
I basicallt took the old vanilla person I was, I mixed her with the sub I was for my Sir, and I became the current me with good parts of both of my identities.
I processed all these heavy feelings I had till I felt a little more like my old self, but with my new lifestyle self a part of me too.
I decided since my plate was empty (just like my heart was) that I would only allow myself to put healthy things on my plate now.
I only participated in the true trusted friendships I had with my real friends, not casual acquaintences and other than that was very reclusive.
After the first two months went buy and I was on a little more stable ground emotionally I got out in my public community just to visit with people and not play for about a month.
Being out in the community had a great way of giving me closure.
About two weeks after I'd decided I liked my single submissive life I'd created for myself , I was back in control of my life, the hold my Sir had on my heart was completely over, the negative feelings had abated, and I indeed had closure.I thought I wanted to remain single for a good while.
Well two weeks after I felt like my heart and spirit were strong again I ran back into an old friend.
In about a month of seeing each other daily I accepted the position of his being his sub.
Mind you we are not collared , we are taking things slow, but I was so surprised my heart could open up and trust again after how badly my trust was annihilated in my first D/s relationship it scared me some at first.
I honestly can say I still have some issues of insecurity and neurosis affecting me emotionally, but I'm healthy enough to see the source is old baggage and don't let it affect my choices in this new relationship or my choices in my life with my new Sir.
I though it would be ages before I could be happy in a relationship with someone again and here I sit.
If you'd asked me 5 months ago where I thought I'd be now I really still expected to be this sad, confused, hurt person who could not trust enough to date someone seriously.
What I found is I'm way more resiliant than I thought I could be and the life I have now is very solid and content.
You too will be victorious if you dig through the garbage and find your diamond inside.

I say take quiet time for a while to figure out who you are as an individual human, who you are as a sub, who you think you want to grow into being, heal the anger, frustration, drama, and pain you feel now and then start fresh.
If you want to talk to me privately you can write me any time.
It seems you're exactly in the type of position I was in a few months ago.
Good Luck, HUUUUGGGGSSS, and Blessings,
suzanne

(in reply to Yourangelic1)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 9:51:32 AM

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline

I'm sorry to hear of your heartache.

Losing *any* relationship is difficult, but especially so when your self-esteem and everything that you believed about yourself has been put under a truck and run over with all of the zeal of a serial killer.

In your post, you stated you have children. I am sure that they see your pain as well, and dealing with both your feelings and protecting your children is going to be difficult.

You know who you are. You know that what your Mistress said about you is not true. If you believe in yourself, and what you have to offer then you will see the light sooner than if you hide in a corner and believe the bad things that other people say about you. Believe the good. Everyone has wonderful and interesting things about them that they can fall back on in bad times. This situation will not kill you, though you may feel broken now.

If the relationship is truly over - fault is no longer an issue. Take what you learned, take some time for healing and spending time with your children, then move on into life with the knowledge that you won't make the same mistakes twice. Learn from this and you won't fall apart, you will grow and conquer every challenge that is placed before you.

Believe in yourself and you will find that all things are possible.

_____________________________

afeathr

-Going where the wind blows me...

(in reply to Yourangelic1)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 9:56:27 AM

Posts: 744
Joined: 1/7/2005
From: Youngstown, Ohio
Status: offline

i am very sorry, i know it hurts like a bitch, that twisting feeling in the core of your bellie.... Each passing day it will get better i swear.... drink a lil, cry alot and then drink a lil more

_____________________________

~softly smiles

~lowers her eyes in respect~

~kitten

(in reply to afeathr)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 10:30:45 AM

blindwithscience

Posts: 5
Status: offline

I was a similiar relationship which I ended in 2005. Partially it was my coming to terms with my sexuality, but another aspect was that my top was abusing my submission, or at least my trust. It's always hard to tell when you've been abused in a relationship where you willingly gave the other party power to control and discipline you. But the key issue in any D/s relationship is always going to be trust. If you trust the other person to genuinely look out for your and the relationship's best interests. If a dom(me) is not mature enough to handle that, then it does start a bit of a slippery slope.

A dom(me) should never try to maliciously degrade you as a person, and you aren't at fault that s/he abused your trust and his or her power. Even though others said you should have gotten out sooner, it is harder, as a submissive, to leave an unhealthy D/s relationship both because to a degree, one thinks "Well isn't this what I asked for?" but also, usually, that it doesn't start out that way. It's just little conquests along the way.

Maybe one day you won't be wearing a certain thing. The next you're not supposed to say something. Or see something. And by the time something jolts you to your senses, you're not sure who you are, or what you want... or even what you can do about it. I never had thought of it as a gift until my trust was broken. It's made me wary, I'll admit that, to submit. It made me realise a lot more about what a dom(me) must be, that I perhaps would not have thought of before.

You'll make it through. Take some time for yourself for healing, maybe even look into a group for survivors of abuse, although, I'm not sure if they'd be entirely accepting unless you found a kink friendly group. Depending on how old and mature your children are, you might want to try explaining what happened and get yourself, them, or everyone into counselling, at least for a while. Recovery's a slow road, but you can do it.

(in reply to kittensmailbox)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 11:59:01 AM

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Joined: 11/23/2006
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After, the initial grieving, it is important to evaluate the lessons...i certainly learned alot from doing that myself. In fact it was the only way i was able to move towards another relationship...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to blindwithscience)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 12:13:55 PM

Posts: 220
Joined: 2/26/2005
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What do you want out of life? How have you dealt with your past abuse? reading your story was like reading mine. The first thing you have to do is realize you did nothing wrong, the person knew you had kids going in so that was not the issue and they will always be your first priority. The second thing is deal with your own abuse issues face them head on with the help of a good threapist painful but only way to not make the same mistakes over and over we create the abuse we try to run away from over and over and when we realize that stop and face it then we can find people who are good for us. But first you have to love you and find things to make you feel good and do not call or send email to the person let it end I know that is hard but each time you dont give in to do it you gain a bit of yourself back and one minute becomes an hour becomes a day becomes a week becomes a month , take time to heal and get to know you and dont let anyone tell you you have no worth or value.

(in reply to dawntreader)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 12:19:29 PM

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yup one step at a time n take a look at your life n see all the good things you have gained through life and focus on them.

but I have a question..not necessarily entitled to this post here eactly but there are endless posts of "i just ended ma relationship" yaggityiaggitiyag call me cruel...but why is it that all people that get dumped or end relationships in this lifestyle has no idea what to do? how on earth is it something DIFFERENT method ending this kind of a relationship to vanilla? I can't see the fuss everybody's making of it.

(in reply to untamedshysub)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 1:02:24 PM

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Joined: 2/26/2005
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have done both was married for a long time and did a D/s relationship. was married for 17 years and My Dom knew me better in a year than my husband did in 17 years. you have to be more open so you get hurt deeper some people can handle it otehrs just fall apart. Shopping, reba, choclate, and new shoes work for me to deal with loss but each person handles it differently. The one thing I learned is never give up yourself for someone else to thine own self be true.

(in reply to MissyRane)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 1:33:53 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyRane

yup one step at a time n take a look at your life n see all the good things you have gained through life and focus on them.

but I have a question..not necessarily entitled to this post here eactly but there are endless posts of "i just ended ma relationship" yaggityiaggitiyag call me cruel...but why is it that all people that get dumped or end relationships in this lifestyle has no idea what to do? how on earth is it something DIFFERENT method ending this kind of a relationship to vanilla? I can't see the fuss everybody's making of it.

Hi Missy Rane,
I have only had one D/s relationship and it was so very different than any type of relationship I had before due to the power exchange taking place like I never had before in my life.
I'm surprised you don't understand how much more of yourself and your feelings are laid out on the table leaving you open and vulnerable in ways vanilla relationships seldom do.

In a vanilla relationship I could stand firm on no way I'm following that line of _____(insert your dilemma here). In D/s you as a sub/slave are way more obligated to submit and give in to the one you serve.

Being a submissive vs a vanilla person in a relationship is a very powerless place to be when the first Dom/Domme you accept has your will instead of you having your own will and is an abusive or predatory Dom.
You end up giving in to things you never would even consider in vanilla realms and you are willing to tolerate the dictatorship that seems to ensue with these types of Predators that do these heart wrenching things to a new sub as you're told that's your place you must accept if you choose to be as a submissive.
It's like being brainwashed and exploited instead of learning from a teacher who wants you to learn.
Being your new you question yourself and your rights but really have no clue what's real and what's a lump of crap the Dom/Domme feeds you as an excuse to cover their own shortcomings.
This causes more self doubt, and permits more abuse to ensue even with people who usually have emotionally secure and healthy relationships.
Maybe if the first D/s relationship you had tore you deep and exploited you worse than you could even imagine you'd be able to see how we the victims of the poser/abuser/loser/wanna be Doms feel.
suzanne
***Edited to say when you cook for him, dress for him, be social in ways he likes, clean for him, and follow his desires for you to be left with self governing ways is a little daunting after you've been controlled by another.
It took me over a month to be comfortable shaving the way I liked instead of the way he liked, I no longer had to care for his home and kids so I had tons of free time I didn't have before, and most of my friends had drifted away as I'd been isolated totally from any communication with lifestyle people over two months without even being permitted to tell them I couldn't talk to them any more. A lot of them worried something bad had happened to me and after sending me several messages to hear I was OK I was just grounded pissed them off and made me look rude.
It was like suddenly who I'd been for the past year and a half disappeared and I didn't know who suzanne as a single sub even was or what I wanted to do with all my free time.
I am a very strong, decisive, confident, emotionally stable, intelligent drama free girl too. If it happened to me it in my opinion can happen to any of us.
It really does set you adrift in unfamiliar oceans to leave your first Dom/Domme.
suzanne

< Message edited by onestandingstill -- 12/29/2006 1:43:24 PM >

(in reply to MissyRane)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 3:09:38 PM

classykindasassy

Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
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I like onestandingstill's first post.

bdsm relationships can be more emotionally charged than vanilla, especially the first foray into new territory.

my only comment is that this in some ways like getting your stuff back in the bag after an intense vanilla thing breaks up. Take some time for yourself and heal, before you take another run at it. I don't know what your mistress said about your kids, but those relationships are important, and if your kids are young, you need to be there for them. Life has to have balance. If they are grown, maybe you need to examine how much control you give other people's opinions of your life.

It takes time to come to terms with your role in the lifestyle. It took me a year and a half to get all ok with it and not think I was sick or damaged goods. I also took 6 months away from the lifestyle to be sure I wanted what I thought I did.

take good care of you and your relationships with family

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to onestandingstill)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 4:31:59 PM

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Rane, I pretty much agree with you. Getting dumped is getting dumped. I don't know that WIIWD is all that much different. Hearts are broken...people move on. Trust is destroyed...people move on. Vanilla is just the same. We're all just people.

(in reply to MissyRane)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 5:31:01 PM

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Suzanne, maybe that's just that way it was with you and your Dom...not the way it is with all subs and their doms (now I know you didn't mean all literally, but bear with me). I don't know that a sub lays herself any more than a vanilla woman in love does. I guess what I should say is that many, many vanilla women lay themselves out just as much as subs/slaves do. One can have an abusive and predatory husband/bf/lover just as easily as one can have an sbusive and predatory dom.
We submissives can be told whatever our doms want to tell us but (IMO) we can always decide not to do whatever he has told us. Now or not new, common sense is common sense. If it feels wrong, don't do it. To me, it's that simple. Being isolated from others is a huge red flag. Even as a newbie, I think it is something one should question. Again, this is just my opinion, but I truly believe a break up by any other name and in any other lifestyle hurts as bad.

(in reply to onestandingstill)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 8:32:39 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

Suzanne, maybe that's just that way it was with you and your Dom...not the way it is with all subs and their doms (now I know you didn't mean all literally, but bear with me). I don't know that a sub lays herself any more than a vanilla woman in love does. I guess what I should say is that many, many vanilla women lay themselves out just as much as subs/slaves do. One can have an abusive and predatory husband/bf/lover just as easily as one can have an sbusive and predatory dom.
We submissives can be told whatever our doms want to tell us but (IMO) we can always decide not to do whatever he has told us. Now or not new, common sense is common sense. If it feels wrong, don't do it. To me, it's that simple. Being isolated from others is a huge red flag. Even as a newbie, I think it is something one should question. Again, this is just my opinion, but I truly believe a break up by any other name and in any other lifestyle hurts as bad.

Actually it's not all how just my relationship went. I do not consider my old Master a poser/abuser/loser/wanna be Dom in any stretch of my personal relationship.
We just had very different expectations and standards we could tolerate and it was toxic to us.
We left on decient terms and we still talk.
Nothing my Sir did was done in malice.
In addition to that my Sir Rob and my old Dom Rick have even gone out to eat together and been talking.

I was in many ways one of the lucky ones to have a basically decent man who just happened to be on a different planet than the one I'm on as far as what we think is most important in this WIITWD as D/s goes.

I did mention my own personal agenda in my post above, but also had meant to be discussing the perspective of the broad spectrum of sub/slaves that feel adrift and lack self paths or confidence after they leave their first Masters.
suzanne

(in reply to bandit25)

RE: After the loss of a first D/s relationship how do i... - 12/29/2006 10:53:53 PM

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Joined: 12/7/2006
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First, let me say thank you to all who gave advice and ideas, they really have helped. i am not quite as sad this evening, as i was this morning, it comes and goes

In addition, What made the situation with this girl even worse was that my former Mistress knew i had just been through a domestic violence relationship a couple years before, and was in the process of finalizing the divorce.. and with her being emotionally unstable herself and then doing the exact same things, and mind games that he did, it was like deja vu. She even touted one time when she was upset that she knew how my ex could hit me, coz she felt the same way.
She was not right with my kids, and i think this dividing line you are talking about with vanilla and D/s does have a definate difference. We had blended our two families and had become the parents of each others children. Sometimes she was not right with my kids, and it was a hard line to draw when she would tell me i had no right to question her or step in when i knew it was wrong, but my place was as her sub, without a voice. So it is different. Most married couples would not have to feel the pull in two directions.. obedience vs doing what in the gut feels right.. Its a lot harder position to be in. ALOT harder. In a marriage the lines are somewhat vague and easier to push or cross, in D/s it isnt that way and the consequences were her abandonment of me. If i ever bucked her as she called it, even when it came to my kids, i was called unsubmissive and many times she threatened to leave. It really wasnt healthy. But this evening after reading all here who gave advice i feel like i can survive and come out stronger in the end.

(in reply to bandit25)

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