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RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 6:59:27 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: valeca
And, Rule, I think you had good intentions, but didn't think your words through.  Tact is a skill not everyone possesses.

Thank you, valeca. I think that you give good advice.
I know that I do lack tact, but of wisdom I have plenty.

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia
give me a break.

No, please do give me a break.

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia
you've all but ridiculed her for being overweight...

That is your perception, not mine.

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia
like there's something wrong with it.

Again: That is your perception, not mine.

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia
i mean, yeah, there may be some that suffer from things that cause them to be overweight. but damn. you don't even know her (granted, i don't either) but you're judging her and then trying to cover up that fact.

I am not covering up anything. dinaflower will take from this thread what will benefit her. Perhaps it will be something I said, perhaps not, but only she can be the judge of the worth of my words.

quote:

ORIGINAL: drawntothedark
Bringing up someone's weight especially when she has come here for a shoulder to cry on was VERY out of line. She didn't ask us "Hey guys do I look big in these jeans". She asked us to be a sympathic ear and a voice of wisdom about her previous relationships, not her weight. She is obviously not feeling all that great about herself and I'm sure that you Rule made her feel that much worse.

She got my sympathetic ear as well as my wisdom. I have shown her one way to a happy life and I have told her that she should start by being proud of herself - i.e. feeling great about herself.

I think y'all are fighting not me and my lack of tact here, but your own demons. I suspect that y'all have a much bigger issue with the appearance of dinaflower than do I. I looked at her beyond her appearance, as she asked. I suspect that y'all did not, despite all your big words about tact and sympathy.

(in reply to drawntothedark)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 7:14:26 AM   
amuzingtoyou


Posts: 144
Joined: 6/27/2006
Status: offline 		dina,
I think the problem is that you lack confidence in yourself and what you have to offer. Why do you attract assholes? Because you allow yourself to be open to a certain kind of treatment. Often when someone is hurt, its very easy for them to fall into that victim mentality. What you need to do is find that strength within yourself. Ask yourself these questions...Do you deserve better? Do you deserve to be treated with respect? I hope that you answered yes.
There are alot of people out there that think submissives are weak minded people. That we are easily walked on, and that we deserve less than human treatment. I don't agree with this mentality. Most submissives i meet, both men and women, are wonderful vibrant people who have a great deal of self confidence. It sounds to me like you need to do some work on yourself before you can make better judgements about the Doms you are getting involved with. This is not easy to do and takes alot of time of self discovery. I wish you luck and I hope that you can find that wonderful person within yourself.
missi.

(in reply to dinaflower)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 9:13:29 AM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		It may seem that 4 years is a lifetime.. but you will learn in time that it is just a blink.
Suggestions..
Change your profile and photo to one with a positive outlook.
As long as you feel like a piece of used meat then that type of person is all you will attract.
Look inward at yourself about who and what YOU are and what you want to be.
Untel you can live with and feel good about yourself you will continue to attract "loosers" who just want to use you like a piece of meat....
You need to somehow develope a better attitude about who YOU are.


_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to dinaflower)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 10:38:08 AM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		Rule, i fail to see much wisdom in your words

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to Kinkypupper)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 10:38:08 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think you should do some work on the commonality between everything- you.  What are you doing/thinking which leads you to making the same patterns in your life and away from your fulfillment?


As usualy, I totally agree with LA. I'd like to add some thoughts, though.

You say that all you want is to be owned and loved which is a perfectly understandable thing! We all want to be loved (although we all don't need to be owned). But, what is your motivation behind such? Are you wanting to have this because you want someone's approval? What's commonly pushed as "love" in our society is really an unhealthy, negative attachment to someone. We are being taught that if someone loves us, they approve of us and therefor we are worthy of love. If, for whatever reasons, we loose their love, we are then failures and flawed in some way...and we often express that our anger with that situation by transfering it as hatred of the one who "played" or "jilted" us. So, look at you reasons behind wanting love.

Then, look at the kind of person you've been attracted to...I know many who consistantly chase after those who find them unsuitable for whatever reasons simply because they feel, usually subconciously, that if they "win" this person's love then they are truly worthy of it. Of course, this usually fails because they are expecting the person to change when, in reality, change is hard and therefor unlikely. Perhaps you are choosing people that will simply be impossible for you to please...which reenforces you doubt of your self worth.

Then, look at how you're going about attracting this kind of person. If you keep doing the same thing over and over, why are you expecting different results? Change who you are; improve who you are...then change how you show yourself to others. It will attract a different sort of person.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 2:38:11 PM   
dinaflower


Posts: 105
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		Rule: FYI i have a hormonal imbalance that screws with my thyroid making me gain weight for no reason. no amount of diet and exercise will help. it would take a lot of expensive medical therapy that i cannot afford. thank you.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 2:58:23 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dinaflower

Rule: FYI i have a hormonal imbalance that screws with my thyroid making me gain weight for no reason. no amount of diet and exercise will help. it would take a lot of expensive medical therapy that i cannot afford. thank you.

Ah. Then my advice will be of no use to you.
In any case my answer to your question remains the same: no, do not give up.

(in reply to dinaflower)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/13/2007 7:26:02 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		As others have said, look inward and find the patterns that repeat themselves.  What flags do you always seem to miss, what things attract you to these men, what in your past leads you to them?

That said, one of the stumbling blocks many who don't live near a large vibrant and diverse BDSM scene often have is their image of their and their partners roll.  Bottom line is they have an overly romantic/perfect vision of how it will be and when they realize that they still have to work at having a relationship they think something is wrong.  It aint, in fact D/s relationships are MORE work not less than a healthy vanilla relationship.

Read Bitatroubles recent post about her issues as a submissies, it is one of the best I have read.

(in reply to dinaflower)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/13/2007 7:31:29 PM   
dinaflower


Posts: 105
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		well its more like everything is fine for a month or two, then they turn into monsters. the only common bond between any of them is that all of them had long hair (irrisistable to me lol) and were BBW lovers which are a bit hard to find on here. so i dunno

_____________________________

It takes both the sun and the storms to make a rainbow!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/13/2007 7:39:39 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Ok, Rule, so what advice do you give all the skinny people who can't find what they're looking for? 


As a slim person without the "valued " voluptuousness, i can relate on the other end of the spectrum...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/13/2007 7:44:16 PM   
dinaflower


Posts: 105
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Ok, Rule, so what advice do you give all the skinny people who can't find what they're looking for? 


As a slim person without the "valued " voluptuousness, i can relate on the other end of the spectrum...



lol wanna trade?  lol just kidding. isnt it amazing how no matter what size we are, we're never satisfied?


_____________________________

It takes both the sun and the storms to make a rainbow!

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/13/2007 7:51:48 PM   
Shadowraven


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/14/2006
Status: offline 		Well, the way I see it is like this; when you are looking for a real relationship, you should open yourself up to being hurt. This is the only way to really find out how you feel about the other person, and it also helps them feel like you are really into it. There are things you should watch out for though... watch out for any person that wants to dominate you right off the start. Any Dom worth his or her title knows that to be a good Dom means you have to EARN the respect before commanding it. So I think that it is safe to say that if you find one who doesn't immediately try to dominate you, then there is a much better chance that they will end up being what you are looking for. You also may want to make sure however, that they are not just really passive if you need to be heavily dominated (eventually). A good many men do not realize that for a good many women (if this is the situation) their submission is related to their love of their dominant, and that this love inspires them to be the best sub that they can be. Yet another characteristic of a good Dom/me is patience, it takes a lot of patience sometimes to do what is required and maintain a good direction in any situation. I would suggest that you do three things:
1) Take your time deciding if the person is right for you.
2) Make a promise to yourself that you WILL NOT allow this person to dominate you until YOU are ready to be dominated. It is good to remember that ultimately, in consensual slavery/submission, it should always be the sub/slave that decides wether or not to enter into any agreement. (Assuming that the Dom/me wants it also)
3) Never stop trying. Get out to socials and groups too, they help reaffirm positive growth patterns in both Dom/mes and subs through mentoring and interaction.

(in reply to dinaflower)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/13/2007 8:53:19 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzTlaz

Though I may not agree fully with Rule's approach I do believe he is correct in his assessment that the OP's problem lies within her.


I concur........ There seems to be a self-image issue that must be worked on.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MzTlaz)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/14/2007 12:02:22 AM   
Totalmaster4you


Posts: 1359
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		What kind of person do you want to attract? Do you have the kind of qualities to atract that quality of person.

(in reply to papabearscub)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/14/2007 8:45:46 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dinaflower

quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Ok, Rule, so what advice do you give all the skinny people who can't find what they're looking for? 


As a slim person without the "valued " voluptuousness, i can relate on the other end of the spectrum...



lol wanna trade?  lol just kidding. isnt it amazing how no matter what size we are, we're never satisfied?



Actually, i am satisfied with myself :-) but by my comment i meant i have experienced rejection by Doms based on my looks as well. i think the girls in the middle have the advantage!  LOL

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to dinaflower)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/14/2007 10:19:28 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

do loose some weight


I can't speak for the OP, but my extra poundage is pretty loose already.

Now if I could lose some of it . . .



< Message edited by dcnovice -- 1/14/2007 10:27:53 PM >

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/14/2007 10:20:57 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

 i think the girls in the middle have the advantage!  LOL


And I think that you'll find, when talking to them, that they believe the slender ones are attracting the athletic people, the heavier ones are attracting the BBW lovers and that they are supremely overlooked and undervalued.

It's all a perception issue - which begins with ourselves. When we see ourselves as generally unloveable; when we spend our time looking for Prince Charming on his white horse to come rescue us instead of simply rescuing ourselves, we tend to be continually disappointed. And when we are continually angry that no one has seen how wonderful we are, then the next question is "just how wonderful are we really?"

I like changing up those stories we tell people when they're younger. When it came to Rapunzel, I once asked my family members what Rapunzel could have done differently. By the time they heard the story, they were already thinking differently. They suggested that if the prince could climb up, she could have cut her hair, tied it to the bed and climbed down on her own.

I read the OP's profile including her comments on the blog there. My suggestion is that at her age, the time is perfect for cutting her own hair, tying it to the bedpost and climbing down from her tower on her own. Waiting for Prince Charming is usually a waste of time and  playing the damsel in distress only works in fairy tales.

And being perpetually angry over the fates that have declared that at the ripe old age of 22 she should not alread have someone in her life - may just be the reason she doesn't.

What I find interesting though out of this entire thread are the continuing comments about finding someone who will look beyond first impressions, when it's been proven time and again, first impressions typically occur within the first 2-5 seconds of meeting someone and once made are usually difficult to go against. I agree that people SHOULD be looking beyond the obvious. The problem - as the OP has put forth - is that those people who actually do that (rather than just say they do that)  are VERY hard to find.

juliet



< Message edited by julietsierra -- 1/14/2007 10:23:12 PM >

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/14/2007 10:25:29 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		ya know, after careful consideration, i've decided (after a brief break from searching) i shall not give up hope. screw the ones that got away...i won't give them the satisfation of seeing my quit. let's just say, i have had enough of players and i intend to kick up my search a notch (thanks Emeril for that phrase *BAM*)


_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/14/2007 10:45:41 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia

ya know, after careful consideration, i've decided (after a brief break from searching) i shall not give up hope. screw the ones that got away...i won't give them the satisfation of seeing my quit. let's just say, i have had enough of players and i intend to kick up my search a notch (thanks Emeril for that phrase *BAM*)



uh.... ok.
Thanks for sharing.

juliet

(in reply to michaelOfGeorgia)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Should i just give up? - 1/14/2007 11:22:05 PM   
Solinear


Posts: 283
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dinaflower

well its more like everything is fine for a month or two, then they turn into monsters. the only common bond between any of them is that all of them had long hair (irrisistable to me lol) and were BBW lovers which are a bit hard to find on here. so i dunno


I can't imagine that they would date you for a month or two if they were just monsters to begin with, they would have had sex with you during some of the first few dates and then moved on.

That being said, it's hard to say why they became jerks.  Some guys like to think that they are dominant and slowly push harder and harder to see how far they can get and as soon as they hit their limits, they don't give up, they turn into immature asses who guilt trip you, coerce and push until you give them what they want (and really they'll never be satisfied because it's about the game, to see how far they can push you).  I shared some traits with these people a long time ago (22-24?), so I know a little bit about this.

They could also realize that the relationship isn't going to go anywhere and just be turning into bigger and bigger jerks until you leave them, alleviating them of the guilt of breaking up with you.  Yeah... been there, done that (high-school).

For me the test would be how old they are, at what point they all turned into the ass holes (sometimes guys think that dom = get what you want when you want, no matter what and turn into 4 year olds when they don't get what they want) and if there was anything similar between them all, other than the timeframe (30-60 days).

The long hair might be something that keeps you from looking any closer at the rest of who they are.  Maybe go find someone with short(er) hair and try making it a go with them and see if the same thing comes about or if you recognize the signs that you're not noticing before that point in time.

(in reply to dinaflower)
Profile   Post #: 60
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