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Brand New Life - 3/3/2005 8:25:07 PM

lilyfairye

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I am new to the lifestyle and looking for whatever advice I can get. What are some good ways to get started in the lifestyle?

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/3/2005 9:03:43 PM

MzBerlin

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Lily-
I would definetly read as much as possible and post in the forums on a regular basis. Both of these things expand your knowledge base and give you some perspective on what YOU are looking for.
Local munches and groups are also a good way of getting involved. Also, there are always meetings and conventions going on throughout the year. Check out the meetings section of the forum.
Good luck!!
B

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/3/2005 9:13:04 PM

SirKenin

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Oh man, there are so many good resources on the internet it's kind of crazy. I have a lot of bookmarks Myself. Try doing a search on Google for BDSM, BDSM resource or submissive's resource. Something like that. One that always sticks out in My mind that's just fantastic is http://www.castlerealm.com/ That is My personal favorite.

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 6:07:14 AM

tomtom1877

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quote:

I am new to the lifestyle and looking for whatever advice I can get. What are some good ways to get started in the lifestyle?

lilyfairye...

First off, welcome. This is a wonderful life, full of exciting things.

My advice is to you would be something that was given to a friend when she was beginning a new life, too.

Her "advisor" told her that for the first 30 days of her new life...."shut your mouth and open your ears."

This is what I would tell you, too.

No, I am not telling you not to speak, but if I were you I would read, read, read and read some more. Meditate and study yourself and your feelings. Ask yourself what you like about this life because there are many different avenues for you to take. Visit each of these message boards daily, follow some of the threads that pertain to new ones to this world. Do a web search and visit other web sites that are about this life.

If you have a question that has not been addressed anywhere, post it here and let the ones who have the experience guide you.

When you are ready, go and meet other subs online and in person at functions in your neighborhood. Don't rush into things with anyone else, especially with a new master. There is plenty of time for that.

In short, do your homework on yourself first. The better you know yourself and what you want (and do not want), the better choice you will make when you are ready for a master.

Remember, a good house starts with a solid foundation.

Make that your first goal.

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 1:00:01 PM

SirKenin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tomtom1877

Remember, a good house starts with a solid foundation.

Make that your first goal.

Amen and amen. Well, to Your whole post actually but this statement in particular. This is the fundamental principle behind ANY relationship, be it vanilla or otherwise, and so many people forget it. This concept is one of the main reasons why the majority of marriages fail in the United States and Canada. Once a solid foundation has been laid Y/you can then build Y/your house with trust, communication and respect. It is this last sentence that contains the number one reason for failed unions of any kind.

It is encouraging to see this concept iterated on this board.

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< Message edited by SirKenin -- 3/4/2005 1:01:49 PM >

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 1:09:55 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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Be yourself

Don't get involved seriously with anyone for at least 6 months

Always use condoms

Don't think being in bdsm is any different than being in any other sort of relationship

Most of what people will tell you is crap

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 1:52:57 PM

twistedsteel

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You are wise in the ways of the Force, young Skywalker.

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 3:06:39 PM

Voltare

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Dear fairye,

The best advice I could offer is that everything you learned in the sandbox in kindergarten is true in BDSM. Don't touch other peoples things without permission. Don't tolerate people who don't have your permission. Anyone who says 'a real girl/woman/submissive would...............' isn't worth playing with. Don't play with strangers (i.e. make sure you get to know them well enough first.) Don't be afraid to make friends. Be yourself. Have fun! Learn the rules of the game and respect them. Don't play with the smelly kid.

Gretchen says don't rush. It's better to start slowly, preferably with a relationship that starts vanilla and works it's way kinky. Don't take a collar from a man until you are absolutely sure, having earned your trust! I totally agree with her, take your time and enjoy the trip. You'll have the rest of your life to enjoy it!

Most importantly, if it feels wrong, don't do it. If it feels right, and doesn't hurt anyone (yourself included) then go with it. You are only responsible for your own happiness, and nobody else will ever make you happy.

Good luck!

Stephan

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 5:35:43 PM

NoPinkBalloons

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilyfairye

I am new to the lifestyle and looking for whatever advice I can get. What are some good ways to get started in the lifestyle?

First off, realize that it's not a "lifestyle"...it's simply one component of (hopefully) a very full life. Like anything new, it can overtake you for awhile, but try to keep it in perspective.

Reading, as other people have suggested, is good, but always realize that anything you read is simply one person's perspective and doesn't necessarily have to apply for you. You're not *wrong* or *bad* or *not real* just because what works for some people doesn't resonate for you. It's not a vertical hierarchy; there is no better or worse, only what fits you best at that particular time. (Oh, and avoid castlerealm.com at all costs! I've never seen a website full of more unrealistic fairy tales as there, ever. Thinking that life will be like castlerealm is a recipe for disaster, imnsho.)

My best advice is to meet folks local to you - lots of different people. Go to munches, get involved in groups/organizations, attend parties if you're invited. Talk to lots of different people and get lots of different perspectives. See how people *really* interact, and don't expect them to act the way erotica suggests that they will. Take what rings true for you and discard the rest. Don't get caught up in the labels.

Always remember taht there is NO One True Way.

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 5:56:37 PM

SirKenin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilyfairye

I am new to the lifestyle and looking for whatever advice I can get. What are some good ways to get started in the lifestyle?

By the way, I will add that Castle Realm is indeed a fantastic place to start. It is filled with a massive archive of articles from people with extensive experience in the scene. T/their story is rather sad, unfortunately, but the knowledge T/they impart is substantial. When you are finished absorbing all that it is T/they have to offer, which is corroborated with other definitive resources, you can then follow the links T/they provide for even more reading. In short it will keep you busy for a very long time. That is how I started and I have found the information exceptionally useful.

Now, don't take Castle Realm as the be all end all definitive authority on the matter. Should you have wisdom and discernment you would corroborate T/their material with other material widely available on the internet and in literature and combine the common elements of all to formulate your understanding of the lifestyle. In so doing will you be able to form a solid foundation upon which to grow.

Remember, you have to start somewhere and Castle Realm is as good a place as any. Good luck.

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 6:25:47 PM

NoPinkBalloons

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin

By the way, I will add that Castle Realm is indeed a fantastic place to start.

And I"ll reiterate my opinion that it's about the worst place you can start off. If you have to read it, do so after you have some RL experience against which to compare it, so that you can more readily understand that most of what's written there is fantasy rather than reality.

quote:

Now, don't take Castle Realm as the be all end all definitive authority on the matter. Should you have wisdom and discernment you would corroborate T/their material with other material widely available on the internet and in literature and combine the common elements of all to formulate your understanding of the lifestyle.

Anyone can put up a website saying anything that they want. Always remember that when you're given a list of links to sites as "advice". More often than not those websites are written by people who have dozens of years of online experience (or at least claim to have, though it's rarely verifiable) but have never ventured out from behind their computer monitors. A book that's published by a reputable publisher is more likely to at least have reasonably accurate information, even if it doesn't resonate for you. Best of all is interaction with REAL people, rather than written words.

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 6:36:29 PM

SirKenin

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Demonstrate to Me, if you would, the difference between someone publishing online and someone publishing in print. I'm more than curious to see how you justify that conclusion.

Please tell Me, I beg of you, that you are not that shallow that you rate S/somebody's qualifications and experience by whether or not T/they write a book. Please also tell Me how you can conclusively verify A/anyone's experience by writing a book as opposed to publishing online. What is the difference between the two? Simply put the sole difference is the media outlet, not to mention that many published works are reproduced in print and electronically.

Further to this, if you would, please explain to Me how the recommendation of combining online and written literature will have a negative impact on the OP'er.

I hate to say this but I fear that you are offering up vindictive vitriole, for what reason I have yet to establish. I trust that if it is of any import I will in time.

< Message edited by SirKenin -- 3/4/2005 6:49:36 PM >

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 6:43:50 PM

NoPinkBalloons

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin

Demonstrate to Me, if you would, the difference between someone publishing online and someone publishing in print. I'm more than curious to see how you justify that conclusion.

Well that seems pretty obvious to me. You'll note that i said a reputable publisher, which doesn't include self-published works or those little backyard mimeograph machines. A reputable publisher isn't going to put his/her name on something that he feels is fraught with bullshit, becasue he values his reputation. He's also not going to put his money into a project that he doesn't think will generate revenue (and make believe crap passed off as reality doesn't usually sell well, imx).

Anyone can put up a website, for free in many places. You don't even have to know how to code it, since many places will give you templates to just fill in. It doesn't have to pass anyone's muster but your own, unlike a book published by a reputable publisher.

< Message edited by NoPinkBalloons -- 3/4/2005 6:44:07 PM >

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 6:50:26 PM

NoPinkBalloons

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin
Please tell Me, I beg of you, that you are not that shallow that you rate somebody's qualifications and experience by whether or not they write a book.

I'm not rating anyone qualifications at all. As far as I know, there ARE no standard qualifications in wiitwd. If there are, I haven't been asked to pass the standardized test. *shrug*

I simply stated that a book published by a reputable publisher is more likely to be a reliable source of information than a random website that any joe blow can put up. That seems pretty obvious to me (as I stated in your first version of this post, before the additions).

You don't have to write a book to be experienced. But...given the choice of assessing the veracity of something based solely on whether or not it is found on a website or published by a reputable publisher, I'm going with the reputable publisher every time.

quote:

Please also tell Me how you can conclusively verify A/anyone's experience by writing a book as opposed to publishing online.

Who said anything about verifying anyone's experience? Certainly I didn't. I simply said to be careful of sources, nothing more. I didn't say all websites are bullshit.

quote:

I hate to say this but I fear that you are offering up vindictive vitriole, for what reason I have yet to establish. I trust that if it is of any import I will in time.

You give yourself way too much credit. Vindictive? You haven't done anything that needs to be vindicated. And vitriole? You don't rate high enough in my consciousness to merit that. I was bored and perusing the forums, and responded with my opinions. That's it.

Hate to burst your bubble, but it AIN'T all about you! lol

< Message edited by NoPinkBalloons -- 3/4/2005 6:51:11 PM >

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 7:10:30 PM

SirKenin

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So then you declare that a reputable publisher, who has no experience in the field, can accurately establish the qualifications and experience of an author? Do you know anything about the world of literature at all? I suggest that you look up any of your preferred works on Amazon.com. Who are the publishers, are they a member of the official BDSM network (I say this facetiously in an effort to make a point)? Throw together one or two references, make it sound like Y/you know what Y/you are talking about, throw some money at the publisher and Y/you are in. They do not pay for the publishing. Y/you do. I know. My parents have published a book of which I have a copy. If you sound convincing, it's published. That is not to say My parents do not know what they were talking about. They merely related their personal experiences. However that does not make your work the definitive resource. It merely means the publisher thinks that you sound convincing, you have enough money to pay for the publishing and they can make a few bucks selling it. I am sorry, but a book under Y/your belt means nothing more than an electronic work under that same belt.

The entire publishing industry has nothing to do with qualifications and experience per se. It has everything to do with the almighty dollar, so I am afraid that your reference is entirely inaccurate in and of itself. It is fatal to rely solely on a solitaire work, electronic, in print or otherwise, to achieve understanding. A wise person combines the common elements of many resources in order to reach an accurate, informed conclusion.

Again, I fear that you are merely being vindictive. The question is "Why?".

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 7:11:51 PM

SirKenin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NoPinkBalloons
Hate to burst your bubble, but it AIN'T all about you! lol

Never did I suggest it was. I am not really sure what it is but like I said, if it is of any import I am sure I will find out in due time.

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 7:12:34 PM

SirKenin

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And yes, I am just surfing too. There does not seem to be a lot to do tonight until My lady friend arrives in another couple of hours.

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 7:41:42 PM

NoPinkBalloons

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Mind if I ask who published your parents' book? Because, you'll note, that I qualifed my statement more than once to include only REPUTABLE publishers.

I know several published authors and NONE of them has had to pay to have their books published. The publisher believed in them, and footed the bill.

I also have a friend who worked for many years in a major NY publishing company. I checked with her to make sure, and she confirmed my experience that authors don't foot the bill for their books other than with the hack companies. Since I clearly stated that "self-published" and "backyard mimeograph" presses weren't what I was referring to, I'll stand by what I said, and take the word of a book published by a REPUTABLE publisher over that of a website most any day.

Your experience with the publishing world has obviously been different from mine. *shrug*

There are good websites out there. I've never said otherwise. There are, however, a lot more BAD websites, full of misinformation. While there are also lousy books out there purporting to be fact rather than fiction, they're no where near as prevalent at the bullshit websites. You're much more likely to come across a website that's full of misinformation than you are a book published by a reputable publisher that's mainly misinformation.

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 8:05:19 PM

SirKenin

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Ok, regardless, no matter who pays for it, it is not about who has the most experience and reputation in the industry, it is who can sound convincing and make the publisher the money. I do not care which friend you talk to or claim to have they will all tell you the same thing if they are truthful. It always always always boils down to the almighty dollar. Welcome to the world of capitalism and free enterprise.

your argument still holds no water. Who pays for the publishing is irrelevant really, but I cite it as an example that some publishers make you foot the bill. I am pretty sure that was the case with My parents but I will double check when they get back from their trip. It does not matter where Y/you publish, it still is no genuine indicator of Y/your experience or knowledge. The publisher does not verify these facts with the BDSM Times. So any reputable publisher as you say can still publish a work full of nonsense. Many classic works are exactly that. Nonsense. Michael Moore's 9/11 was a work full of absolute nonsense, yet it made millions of dollars. Just the same as an online author or a movie producer can publish a work full of nonsense. An ISBN number is not Y/your claim to fame or true guarantor of Y/your experience and knowledge unfortunately. In the end it means nothing.

What is it that matters then? How can you establish whether the author is credible? The only way you can do it is by stacking up what they have to say over other authors in print, online and in the media. You take ALL the resources, put them together and establish the common denominators. There are three sides to every story. Your side, their side and the truth. Wisdom and discernment takes the first two sides and then establishes the truth by extracting the common points.

For you to say "Disregard Castle Realm, they lack credibility" is merely vindictive ignorance. The same goes for any source. Every source, no matter if they are on geocities or www.iamabdsmgod.com, have something to offer the novice kinkster. A wise person evaluates EVERY source and discerns the facts.

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RE: Brand New Life - 3/4/2005 8:13:34 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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Publishing a book takes a lot more time and energy than posting a webpage. Books take time to write, lots of editing, money to print and distribute the materials. There are layers and layers of editors and researchers that have to OK and sign off on the contents.

Publishers aren't going to publish things that are going to make them look bad or lose money for them.

A website requires no editing, no research, no fact checking, absolutely zero veto and takes very little time and effort to put together.

Now, this doesn't mean every published book is solid gold. It doesn't mean that every website is crap.

But it means there's a lot more going for reputability in books than there is in websites and I'd lay money on a random books before a random website if I had to choose blindly.

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