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fadeddreams -> RE: lets try this again -- cutting & BDSM connections (4/6/2007 7:30:26 AM)
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Ok class, today Wwe are going to talk about Pain Management. No, i am not going to talk about managing physical pain, that is a topic for yet another class. Today, i am going to talk about managing emotional pain.
Now, there are as many different reasons for emotional pain, as there are people on earth, so i am going to use my own emotional pain for examples during the course of this lecture. Please bear with me if i seem to be repeating things from previous lectures, but they are important, and germane to this one.
As i have stated before, my parents divorced when i was quite young...my father was an abusive alcoholic, his abuse of my mother drove her to the point of abandoning her three daughters to his care to save her own life. That abandonment, however justified in my mothers mind was the beginning of a tremendous load of emotional pain for me. And the beginning of my own abandonment and trust issues. My father more or less emotionally abandoned us, simply because he was not equipped to raise three daughters on his own, and he was drunk 98% of the time.
A child deals with both physical and emotional pain in the way of a child... they let the pain out in the form of tears. That is how children, at least children in my day, handled pain. (nowadays, i think kids start taking antidepressants in their formula... so they never really learn how to feel...and how to handle being hurt) And so, i handled my emotional pain in the way of a child, i cried. Of course, i probably shouldn't have cried in school...or at least that was the message i got from my father... who was livid when he found out. what i learned that day... was that showing ones pain, ones emotions to anyone was a bad thing. And that lesson stuck with me. i learned to bottle everything up, tightly corking and sealing the bottle and hoping that it didn't get shaken. It almost always did, and would explode with the force of Nagasaki.
As a teenager, all those years spent bottling up the pain, corking up the emotions had a devastating effect. Teenagers are volatile anyway...what with raging hormones, and that "i want to be treated like an adult... but i don't want to quit being a child" mentality. Couple those things with unresolved issues, and unhealed pain and it creates a whole new level of pain. Teenagers are resourceful...when it comes to dealing with pain, teenagers have a tendency to turn it against themselves. Teenaged drinking, drug use, eating disorders, sexual addictions, and... my cure of choice... cutting, are among the more common ways teenagers deal with pain. Yes, i really was a cutter...in the upper right hand drawer of the desk i used to have, way in the back was a double edged razor blade. It was clean, and sharp, and i was quite skilled in using it. i could write my name into my flesh, clearly, cleanly. Among other things...there but for the grace of god, i do not carry scars from that time. By all rights, i should, but i don't. It wasn't a frequent thing... most of the time, i could seal up the pain, and at least show a semblence of normalcy. i was an honor student, seldom ever got in trouble either in school or at home. i was in 4H, knitted, crocheted, cooked, did laundry, cleaned for the family. But, inside, i was a seething, roiling mass of unhealed anger, and pain. And,when the pressure grew too great, you could find me in the wee hours of the morning, left arm resting on a towel on my lap, blade lightly held in my right hand... drawing pictures in my own flesh. Using... and that is the key here... using the physical pain to release the emotional pain.
In later years, i shifted to overeating, and in many cases, lashing out in rage over things that inevitably were minor. i eventually topped out at nearly 200 pounds, and i have been married and divorced twice. No, i won't blame myself for everything that went wrong in my marriages, but i won't completely blame my husbands either. At one point not so very long ago, the emotional stresses were so vast...that the old habit of cutting to release the pain returned...but this time, it frightened me.
Fast forward to the present. i discovered about 6 years ago that i was by nature a submissive. Today, i am owned by Master T and his fiancee...and i am slowly learning TRUE submission. Master is taking His time with my training, and for that i am truly grateful.
A long conversation with a couple dear and trusted friends, followed by a similar conversation with Master drew the connection between my teenaged and adult episodes of cutting...and the emotional release of a session. Both of my dear friends are submissives...both have vastly more experience as submissives than i have...and when they explained the connection... my spirit started crying out.. "yes, YES..." that's it...that's why you felt so calm, so centered, so grounded after your first session with Master. The physical pain...opened the door for the emotional release. When the session was over...i knelt between Masters legs... and i gave Him my tears...years.. and years worth of bottled up emotions. No, He hadn't "hurt" me...hadn't pushed the body to the point of tears...but He had opened way for the emtional release that i had so badly needed for so long. And, i know how much better i felt when i finally stopped crying.
So, is there a reason why so many former cutters are submissives? Oh you betcha! The safe pain of a session releases the bottled up emotional pain... without risk of serious physical harm. Now, bear in mind... i said "safe" pain. i know that i am safe with Master...yes...heavy flogging, crops, paddles.. etc.. all hurt...but i know that i am safe...that He is paying attention to me, to my body, to what He is doing. i know that He is not going to harm me. And i also know.. when the session is over...if i need to cry, i can safely do so...in His arms...safe.
With any luck, i will some day be able to predict or warn Master when i am starting into a bad slide, so that He can help me head it off. Alright, lecture over....
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