Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Disconnecting


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Disconnecting Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 2:07:45 PM   
amaidiamond


Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline 		Ok here's the outline, and much as I hate to be posting this I think there might be an answer or two here.
Have just finished a relationship with a wonderfull Dom and one who I care for deeply and my problem is, there was no natural ending point. In all my previous relationships we've grown apart or had different needs or something else has happened that has "finished" things, but in this case there was nothing.
Basically due to circumstances in his life he has to move away, he has no idea how often or when he can come to me and I do not know how often or when I can afford to get to him as I work full time, neither of us like the situation however have agreed that due to this it is not feasable to try and maintain a relationship at the moment, as well as other personal circumstances that are placing an effect on it. Now before posting this I would like to say I know there are many couples who have a ldr very successfull and communicate via net or phone but there are reasons this wouldn't work for us so the decision was made the relationship ends. We are still great friends and more than likely will play together when we see each other but I no longer belong to him.
Thing is this has effected me worse than I thought it would, I know it's logical and I know the situation may change when one of us starts driving however I can't shake the hollow feeling I have inside, in my mind I still feel like *his* -
The question i want to ask is does anyone have any experience of this and anyone have any tips on dealing with the emotions attatched.

Thanks,

dia
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 2:09:27 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Time, distractions, hobbies - get busy with other things.  Other than that I don't know what to tell you.  

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to amaidiamond)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 2:36:02 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Pretty much everyone who has had a serious relationship end.

Give it time.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 2:48:09 PM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		sorry for your loss dia, the situation has to suck for you right now. I'm not going to say give it time because in my experience time only makes things older, doesnt cure them or anything else. I do agree with keeping active, distractions are a great way to teach yourself to become involved with other things. You will still miss him, the situation, closeness etc but you'll be able to cope with those feelings and you'll be able to maintain a life for yourself without feeling so empty.

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 5:01:34 PM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		Have you both consider some kind of ending ritual. Since it is ending due to life issuess and not personal ones some kind of ending ceromoney with the approval or permission to move on in life might help. 

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 6:41:52 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodpet

Have you both consider some kind of ending ritual. Since it is ending due to life issuess and not personal ones some kind of ending ceromoney with the approval or permission to move on in life might help. 


The OP seems to have made a carefully rational set of decisions about a matter which by its nature is not constrained to conform to reason.

I'm not sure what will help most but I'm impressed by the insight shown in goodpet's post.

The brains have disengaged with some success, aparently. Maybe someone needs to inform the hearts.

I find that just as we have to grieve a relationship when someone dies or is otherwise completely parted from us, we do well even in cases where a friendship endures to give due time and energy to grieving what is left behind when a relationship changes. No less so in the fortunate cases where we get to celebrate what remains.





(in reply to goodpet)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 7:01:07 PM   
reamer


Posts: 57
Joined: 1/16/2007
Status: offline 		many careers don't allow the other person to give this kind of closure.

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 7:24:40 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: reamer

many careers don't allow the other person to give this kind of closure.


I'm sorry.I don't think I know what kind of closure you have in mind. What I was talking about was quite independent of what a person does for a living.

(in reply to reamer)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 7:40:53 PM   
reamer


Posts: 57
Joined: 1/16/2007
Status: offline 		some of us don't think that way, and I was replying to the OP.

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 7:51:45 PM   
lighthearted


Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodpet

Have you both consider some kind of ending ritual. Since it is ending due to life issuess and not personal ones some kind of ending ceromoney with the approval or permission to move on in life might help. 


I think that is an excellent idea...

Dia, it sounds like a very unfair situation to both of you.  I would imagine if I were in the same position I'd feel as if I'd done something wrong and yet was being punished for it (and not it a good way )  most serious relationships end over fundamental differences, not relocations.  at least the ones in my life have...my point is that your situation is toughter than the average breakup, because it's not as if you can look back and say you were better off without him because of whatever his fatal flaw was.  breaking up and disentangling yourself from someone else's life is difficult and complex...logic doesn't prevail...don't expect it to now, either. 

good luck to you.

_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to goodpet)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 8:12:38 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Time and when you find someone to fill the "hole" that has been left in your life...my sympathies and heart go out to you...sincerely/Tempting

(in reply to amaidiamond)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 8:20:40 PM   
sub10dcies


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/25/2007
Status: offline 		I know exactly what you are going through, I just finished going through it not so long ago. For the first time in my life I actually got depressed over the conclusion of a relationship what I was far from ready in letting go. I never imagined it would end anytime soon. Every moment of evey day was consumed of thoughts of him, I was sure that I would never get over it. But as previous replys suggest, time and distractions will help heal and fill the empiness.
With me, I made myself get back out there and met a really great guy that will definitely be my mext potential Dom, but still working on it.
I wish you the best. Just keep positive.

(in reply to amaidiamond)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Disconnecting - 1/31/2007 11:15:43 PM   
MakeItTight


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think anyone can tell you what you want to hear, that there is ultimately some way to stay together. I honestly wish that those in your situation did have an alternative option though... a choice "C".

Best of luck to you, my advice... Hope for the best, but expect the worst.

(in reply to sub10dcies)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Disconnecting - 2/1/2007 4:30:55 AM   
amaidiamond


Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the advice, I know we're not getting back together, at least not now, there is a possibility of that in the future but holding out for that would only hurt me.
I guess it's jsut keeping busy and time as people have said.

Thanks guys

(in reply to MakeItTight)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Disconnecting - 2/1/2007 4:43:41 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I had this one relationship a long time ago. When we got to the point where I no longer belonged to him, we both kind of played this little game in our heads. We didn't bother to think about how we'd "get over" this. We just kept on as we were - although we both knew I didn't belong to him anymore, we didn't specifically "TRY" to get over things. We didn't announce to people who knew us that I was a "free agent" so to speak. In my head at that time, I just wasn't - regardless of our relationship status. (In the words of Rocky Balboa: "Yah, you know my wife Adrian is gone, but she's not gone, ya know what I mean?") So, we let things happen naturally. And eventually, with very little fuss (although I'm sure my friends would argue that point), I was able to be around him without thinking I was his. I was able to date, go places on my own, etc without looking for him or wishing he was around, and really, finally just get on with my life.

And we remained friends for a very long time.

That seemed to work best for me.

juliet

(in reply to amaidiamond)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Disconnecting - 2/1/2007 8:07:47 AM   
lucreziaborgia


Posts: 28
Status: offline 		Each will always hold a piece of me. Inside I carry a part of him.

_____________________________

your friend

(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Disconnecting - 2/1/2007 8:43:07 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I was in your shoes when I left NYC and moved to where I live now. I left behind a great partner and I thought I had ended things. I made an error and allowed him to come and visit. All that did was just stir up emotions that could only hurt us -- economics and family dictated we could not be together at that time.

You need to grieve and you need to let go. If you don't know if or when you will see each other, why even tempt yourself with that possibilities? Grieve and move on. Hey if in the future things work out and you can see each other again, think of it as two old friends getting together.

The grieving will hurt and it will take time but once you are through it things will be better. As to how you grieve, only you know what works best for you but I think the best way to start is a clean break.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to amaidiamond)
Profile   Post #: 17
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Disconnecting Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094