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A year later... - 1/31/2007 8:16:33 PM

xGoddessx

Posts: 81
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If this isn't where this goes, I am sorry...wasn't sure.

On the 8th day of Feb..it will be one year since I was raped. I thought I had handled this, or atleast let it go a bit more. Now I find that its coming back full force, and where I once felt so strong..I only feel weak.

I sit and cry, I am having flashbacks, I feel overwhelmed with the things going on in my head.... I think about how much my life changed that night. My bulimia is kicking up into full gear, it is taking all I have not to start cutting again. I feel so numb, but so full of feeling at the same time.

I feel all of this inside, yet I don't know how to express it..to ask for help.

If I was back to where I could do it..I would just close the doors, not go anyplace, and probably take some pills to just sleep it off. I am with Master though, and with so many things coming up over the weekend, I know thats not possible.

Somehow I have to find it down in myself, to pull out of this. I admit that at this time, I am at a total loss as to how.

This isn't the first thing that has happened to me, I always come back and fight. I guess I just thought I had come back from this, and am a bit stunned at how its affecting me.

I am just not sure where to go now...or what to do with myself.

I am not sure what I am asking..if anything..but maybe someone can figure it out.

I just feel as though I am going thru it again, and it scares the hell out of me. I can't go back to that place, I almost didn't come out of it...and don't want to take the chance I can't this time.

I don't know.

Drea

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RE: A year later... - 1/31/2007 8:36:20 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
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It's been 17 years since I was raped. It takes time and episodes like this will flare up from time to time. You have to ride it out somehow. I still get these episodes occasionally, but not very often. For me, I focus on good and positive things, distract myself with friends, music, books, games, etc. By doing that, I take my focus off of the memories and it helps ease them and get them to go away. Sometimes, if it's a bad one, I talk it out with a close friend. I've been through therapy for it and have been on antidepressants for several years due to other things. You have to find what works for you. I got to the point where the flashbacks and memories made me mad because they were trying to take me over and so I resolved to fight and overcome it. I hope this makes sense. Please take what works for you if anything and know that you will get through this.

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RE: A year later... - 1/31/2007 9:21:41 PM

lighthearted

Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
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you have mail.

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RE: A year later... - 2/1/2007 5:50:11 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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You were victimized. Not everyone can get over something like this without assistance. Is there a women's shelter in your county? They should be able to refer you for counseling and help you through this. If not, call a crisis hotline, same thing, they can refer you to someone.

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RE: A year later... - 2/1/2007 8:18:09 AM

freyjasdottir

Posts: 253
Joined: 8/29/2006
From: PA
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Please call a woman's shelter they can set up counseling for you at no cost. I wish I had done that years ago but I was too afraid to let anyone know what happened to get any help for it.

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RE: A year later... - 2/1/2007 9:08:14 AM

mixielicous

Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline

i was raped, too. by my boyfriend at the time - the worst part was him not remembering the next morning and saying i was being ridiculous [he fell asleep immediately after in my bed and i slept on the floor] i broke up with him as soon as he woke.

i hate to be the one with juvenile advice here, seeing as how everyone on this site is sXe [except for poppers, like always] but anywho i am a stroong advocate of smoking THC and if you cant smoke there are many ways to ingest it via butter :) it is legal in many places across the US now for medicinal reasons, including depression [mass better be next!]

This may sound silly to you but THC has helped me deal with many things in my life [i strongly dislike meds] including cutting, deaths, and yes even my rape. it doesnt do half the things "above the infleuence" campaign may claim - - when watching these commercials you must keep in mind, this is the NUMBER ONE cash crop in america and theyre not getting a piece of it. . . put it together.

i wish you luck!

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RE: A year later... - 2/1/2007 10:15:24 AM

behindmirrors

Posts: 340
Joined: 8/5/2006
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Hi xGoddessx-
First off, big e-hugs. You sound like you need them. Second, I have also sent you some mail.

Take care-
behindmirrors.

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RE: A year later... - 2/1/2007 10:40:08 AM

lilsubl

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i, too have been raped & it's the anniversaries of the traumas that are so difficult to deal with in the early years...other things can trigger flashbacks too: sights, smells, places, etc...i have suffered from chronic depression since i my first conscious memory & i spent many, many years trying not to feel the depression, trying to deny its existence...one day i discovered that if i gave myself a time limit druing which to feel the bad stuff & then walled myself off & wallowed in it for that amount of time--for me it's 24 hours--felt the feelings, cried, railed at life & just generally acknowledged it, it would be gone at the end of the time period i allotted...this is my way of coping with the negative feelings, because i discovered that if i tried to deny these feelings, they would build up over time & when i could no longer deny their existence, i would require hospitalization...this is simply my experience & the way i learned to deal with it....
i'm sending you hugs & prayers.......

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RE: A year later... - 2/1/2007 11:35:05 AM

alovelylady4U

Posts: 67
Joined: 1/15/2005
From: leeli
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i agree with everyone above. Finding a trusted person that has the tools needed to help you would be ideal. It may also take a few interviews but you to find the right person. Do not be afraid to ask her questions and yes- even question her answers.

i remember this incredible woman one day on some talk show. i seldom watch talk shows but probably was not able to get to the set to change the channel. (i often wonder if it was meant to be i hear her words)

She was asked how she was dealing with it all? And her face so quickly focused as she looked at host and said:

This man has raped me, beaten me, cut off my 1 arm, tortured me and blinded me with a bullet in my head. He then left me in a ditch at the side of the raod for dead. But i did not die. I have given that man more of me than i wanted but i did not give him my life nor will i give him a minute more of my time through thoughts and fear.

i stopped what is was doing and looked up at the set. i could see the pain in her face and i almost cried and i could hear courage in her words and thought to myself my god what an incredible woman. Please forgive- i would never want to take away from you this moment of trying work out such a terrible event happening to you, i was not even sure if it would be appropriate to post this and the way one of us decided to deal with a nightmare like rape. i just know on occasion when i am in a bad space like you are in now, i try to remember the words - not story mind you, i will not give that bastard a minute more either, but i hope her words of courage help you (all) as they have helped me.

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RE: A year later... - 2/1/2007 12:36:13 PM

xGoddessx

Posts: 81
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Thank you all very much.. your words to me here and on the other side mean more than you can know. So many of my friends have turned their backs on me, that a lot of you give me that feeling when I am here.(of being among friends)

Someone likened it to losing someone to death, each year is hard, but it gets a little better each year. I do agree with that, or at least I hope that is how it works for me. That sentence though made me think of something else. I suppose it is like a death..the death of the person I was at the time it happened. I know that I have not been the same since, not in any form. It has showed me how strong I am, but it has also taken its toll on my mind and body.

Perhaps mourning for her in some way will help, I guess if I felt that I had somehow done something since then, something that made me better, or changed my life in some dramatic way since then, I could. I know that, that moment doesn't own me..but it does seem to have taken more than I would have ever given freely.

Somehow I have to dig myself out of the past of this..and move on. I know that I have grown in many ways since that night.. I have learned so much about myself and had the courage to try things I never would have.

I am supposed to be happy now... I am happy, yet this thing is taking some part of that away..and that makes me more angry than anything.

Thank you all again, each one..
Drea

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RE: A year later... - 2/1/2007 2:59:12 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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Wow suddenly I feel like I'm in this weeks episode of House:

Knowing that the day you got raped will be remembered as the most beautiful day of their lives for millions of people.

Process the flashbacks thoroughly- force yourself to realize that it is a FLASHBACK, not today. You feel out of control and want to revert to your habits which make you feel a false sense of control and security- but will only damage you further.

Recognize that your actual sense of control comes from putting new and healthy habits into place which will serve you.

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RE: A year later... - 2/1/2007 7:36:22 PM

CandleInTheWind

Posts: 347
Joined: 10/20/2006
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You are not a victim unless you choose to be. You are here and alive and the world goes on...so there for althouhg you will never be able to take back the innocence lost...you can own the experience gained.
Anneversaries of events are always tough. You can choose to use the day as a time for pity (I have thrown many a pity party) or you can choose to move on with who you are!

No matter what was ...it is who you are that will be here for the duration!

best of my love
red

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