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nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 7:44:41 AM

2belightened

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/8/2005
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Despite my age, I'm brand new to this, got instantly but infrequently involved with a Dom. We've seen each other three times. The first time in public. The second in private where I ended up freaking out. The third time in private but managed to wrap my mind around the encounter and enjoy it.

My question is this: Is there any nurturing involved? Or is it all about physical sensations? I don't even feel comfortable discussing anything beyond the 'play'. I feel very alone and lost. I don't know how to communicate with him. I don't know what the heck I'm doing, and I don't feel as if I'm being guided as much as I feel I'm simply being used. Then again, what do I know. This might be all its about, and I might be looking for something that doesn't exist.

Any thoughts?

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 7:54:47 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: 2belightened

My question is this: Is there any nurturing involved? Or is it all about physical sensations?

Well, there are no hard and fast rules about any of this. If you want nurturing, you better make it clear upfront that you require a nurturing aspect to your play.

When I top, I am very careful to make sure my bottom is in the right head space for the scene. Yes, this often means that I am gentle and guiding and lead with a soft word, rather than a harsh look or quick swat. But that is simply my style.

Some tops are all about the sensation and want nothing to do with guidance or, as you call it, nurturing. Some top's idea of aftercare is tossing the bottom a towel and a bottle of water after an hour long single tail session.

You need to find what works for you. If you want/need a nurturing top, either demand it from the top you are seeing now, or find yourself a new one.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 8:00:03 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Use your good sense, it works the same here as it did in your vanilla world.

One of the most common newbie mistakes is thinking that getting into a Ds or bdsm situation is ANY different than it was in vanilla.

It's not different.

Slow down, stop playing with fire until you understand the consequences. You're the one who gets to say what happens to you. Don't let your new frenzied desires overtake your good sense.

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 8:08:19 AM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

My best advice is to join a real time group so you can get to know people in a semi-public kink-friendly atmosphere. At least find a yahoo group or something...there's lots of Gor groups, since you're interested in Gor. Search the submissive females on this site in your area and ask what real time groups they are involved in and how you find out more info about the groups.

Using the words "BDSM Pennsylvania" on google, I got several listings. I've listed the ones that look most helpful. Use your browser's "Search Page" function to find Pennsylvania where it isn't specifically listed.

http://gloria-brame.com/kinkylinks/online.html
http://www.peplove.com/supportgroup.htm
http://www.the-crucible.com/groups.htm
http://directory.google.com/Top/Adult/Regional/North_America/United_States/Pennsylvania/Society/BDSM/

Fire

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 8:10:40 AM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: 2belightened

Despite my age, I'm brand new to this, got instantly but infrequently involved with a Dom. We've seen each other three times. The first time in public. The second in private where I ended up freaking out. The third time in private but managed to wrap my mind around the encounter and enjoy it.

My question is this: Is there any nurturing involved? Or is it all about physical sensations? I don't even feel comfortable discussing anything beyond the 'play'. I feel very alone and lost. I don't know how to communicate with him. I don't know what the heck I'm doing, and I don't feel as if I'm being guided as much as I feel I'm simply being used. Then again, what do I know. This might be all its about, and I might be looking for something that doesn't exist.

Any thoughts?

Speaking from one who has experienced both ends of the flogger, trust your gut. If your gut instincts are setting off alarm bells, listen to them.

I would strongly suggest you contact local groups like http://members.tripod.com/~The_Mission/ and http://www.geocities.com/The_AlphaGroup/ to ask questions about the local BDSM communities and munches/workshops/events in your area. Learn more about BDSM, what it is and isn't before you put yourself in any more private situations.

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 8:12:33 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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You need to tell this Dominant that you need aftercare. Most good Dominants give it without prompting, because it is well known to be a need of someone you've just taken into subspace or at least an intense experience. You have a duty to see them safely back.

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/jerseyaftercare.htm
http://www.domsview.com/issue20/feature20a.htm

It sounds to me like you are being used rather than guided. There are people out there who are just looking for kinky sex, rather than to guide and teach. Those are unfortunately the ones newbies often hit because they don't know better. You do have the right to aftercare and nurturing. If this Dom doesn't give it to you, find one that will. Make sure you discuss aftercare with them as a necessary part of play. Remember, you're the female, and the minority. It is easy for you to hold out for what you're seeking.

Develop better communication skills. You must be able to communicate with your Dom. He has the right to know what is going on inside your head. It may turn out that this Dom is simply new rather than a wanker. If you express your need to him, share the above links and he still won't provide the nurturing you need, move on. Not everyone who calls themselves Dominant, is.

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*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 8:35:07 AM

resademilo

Posts: 29
Joined: 1/27/2005
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Another angle to this question of nurturing is what type of bdsm relationship are you looking for. There are Dominants and Masters who only play and while they give comfort to for you to come down in a play scene they may not be much of emotional support in other aspects of your life. Then there are those seeking a relationship involving play and things that in other sense may be vanilla.

I have to be careful on terms here because many people are sensitive about the topics like lifestyle and play. Lifestyle for some is simply being a part of the community in any facet for others it is being in a long term D/s relationship incompassing many aspects as i mentioned already.

And like has been mentioned before it really is important to take things slowly because going into play might be fine if you enjoy it but if you are hoping for certain emotional support from a Top in the role of a Dominant or Master then you might get disappointed. I've found that while the soothing and comfort given during play is wonderful I also have a need for that comfort from my Master outside of the bedroom as well. So it's important to be clear and discuss what you really are looking for with a person before getting into play with them.

Also if you feel unable to discuss feelings and nurturing with a person you are involved with that can be a tell tell sign. instincts are our friends. =)

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 8:38:18 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Any thoughts?

quote:

I don't know how to communicate with him.

think about what you are going to say, then open your mouth and speak. being honest with yourself and the others that you involve yourself with not only helps, but is ESSENTIAL. it is also a good idea to do a LOT of communicating before you involve yourself with anyone calling themself Dom. if YOU can't communicate with Him, you are begging for trouble.

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 11:48:46 AM

2belightened

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/8/2005
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Thank you everyone for your input and responses. I think I jumped a little too fast into things. I didn't do it on purpose, but the Dom kept nudging, not taking no for an answer, and I'm still working on that NO thing. Thank goodness, I've lived a pretty introverted life, or I might really have gotten into trouble eons ago.

However, I'm practicing 'NO' in front of a mirror, now. In fact, the Dom wished me to drop everything today, without care to my reality or the trouble it could create and come to him. I said, no. Then I felt bad for disappointing him, but when he said he wasn't disappointed, I was glad I had said no.

I don't think this man cares one way or another about me. I think I better spend a lot more time reading the message boards, seeking a local munch and getting insight into the lifestyle and what I seek and if what I seek even exists before jumping into anything.

As someone said on this list, open my mouth and let the words come out. :)

You've all been FANTASTIC.

light

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 1:07:08 PM

OrientalMistress

Posts: 34
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: 2belightened

"Despite my age, I'm brand new to this, got instantly but infrequently involved with a Dom...Is there any nurturing involved? Or is it all about physical sensations? ... I feel very alone and lost. I don't know how to communicate ... don't know what the heck I'm doing ... don't feel as if I'm being guided as much as I feel I'm simply being used...."

My dear,

If I were in your position, I would speak to the Dom in question -- if He is not one who listens ... then leave for the feelings you are experiencing will only increase. Two steps should follow an intial public meeting: the first, to witness the Dom in action with another sub ... offering to join into that session only if and when you feel comfortable so doing; secondly, a questionaire that determines your likes, dislikes and possible limits should be filled out and gone through together.

Finally, I would find another submissive, either cyber or in rl, and discuss with them the wonders of the lifestyle and what might be expected.

It would seem that you have found yourself a rather inexperienced Dom who learns by using. I have been taught that a true Dom/me does not use but nurtures and cares for those who would yield their hearts and bodies to Him or Her...

If you wish to discuss further, reply to this message...

Okamisan {Mistress} Jade
Imperial Domme

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 1:13:47 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OrientalMistress
Two steps should follow an intial public meeting: the first, to witness the Dom in action with another sub ... offering to join into that session only if and when you feel comfortable so doing; secondly, a questionaire that determines your likes, dislikes and possible limits should be filled out and gone through together.

That certainly is one way to do and it is a good cautious way to proceed. But it's not the only way to do it. I usually say have dinner at a public restaurant. It allows for private conversation in a public setting, you learn a LOT about a person by sharing a meal with them and you can decide after if you want to go further or not.

quote:

Finally, I would find another submissive, either cyber or in rl, and discuss with them the wonders of the lifestyle and what might be expected.

I say talk to everyone, preferably offline about everything. Then make the right judgement for yourself.

quote:

It would seem that you have found yourself a rather inexperienced Dom who learns by using. I have been taught that a true Dom/me does not use but nurtures and cares for those who would yield their hearts and bodies to Him or Her...

That "true" word again...

I'm a slave, I'm SUPPOSED to be used, I WANT to be used. The Owner is not bad or wrong or fake because he DOES use me.

I've got nothing against nurturing and caring, those are great things. I've got nothing against people who don't want to be used or used badly.

But it certainly isn't something that makes someone "true" or not.

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 6:37:44 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I think I better spend a lot more time reading the message boards, seeking a local munch and getting insight into the lifestyle and what I seek and if what I seek even exists before jumping into anything.

That sounds very wise. There is a lot of good information on the boards here. You may want to read through the subjects on the Health and Safety forums for your own safety. You can also use the search feature at the top of the page to find whatever subject you want. Feel free to ask any questions or concerns that you have

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 6:59:20 PM

Praevalens

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/6/2005
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Just adding my two cents to the original topic...

After care to me is very important, and for me it is every bit as rewarding, as important, as enjoyable as the other activities. This is where bonding takes place... trust... love... caring... warmth... security...

Holding your beloved sub in your arms should be to both like a trip to heaven...

< Message edited by Praevalens -- 3/8/2005 7:04:00 PM >

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RE: nurturing vs physical - 3/8/2005 8:20:44 PM

Tangwystal

Posts: 121
Joined: 8/18/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: 2belightened

Thank you everyone for your input and responses. I think I jumped a little too fast into things. I didn't do it on purpose, but the Dom kept nudging, not taking no for an answer, and I'm still working on that NO thing. Thank goodness, I've lived a pretty introverted life, or I might really have gotten into trouble eons ago.

However, I'm practicing 'NO' in front of a mirror, now. In fact, the Dom wished me to drop everything today, without care to my reality or the trouble it could create and come to him. I said, no. Then I felt bad for disappointing him, but when he said he wasn't disappointed, I was glad I had said no.

I don't think this man cares one way or another about me. I think I better spend a lot more time reading the message boards, seeking a local munch and getting insight into the lifestyle and what I seek and if what I seek even exists before jumping into anything.

As someone said on this list, open my mouth and let the words come out. :)

You've all been FANTASTIC.

light

Most definately take your time and read. Talk to people, both online and in person. Don't let anyone push you into anything at any time. It's just not worth it.

Take care and have fun!

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non mihi, non tibi, sed nobis

Tangwystal

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