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RE: Here is an Question for Master - 4/7/2005 5:09:47 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tamtam

How do you know when your Master is telling the truth and is not playing with you.....Being honest in an dom/sub relationship is very important to me, but what do you do if you think that your Master is not doing the same and really is very hard to get him to open up..Advice please


Its the same for when you suspect anyone might be lying to you.

Do his actions match what he says / promises?
Is he frequently evasive about what he is doing, where he is, where he has been, etc?
Is he frequently evasive about the details of his life, where he lives, what he does for a living, phone numbers, addresses, etc. ?
Is he unable to explain himself when he sets new rules, boundaries or expectations? Is his explanation often "cause I said so"?
Does he make you feel like a "dirty secret"? Does he not want anyone to know about you?

Those kinds of "red flags" apply for the most part just as well to submissives as they do dominants. People lie, and we all have to deal with that and do our best to protect ourselves from it. Any of us, dominant or submissive, has to be aware of that. Trust, especially online, has to be earned and anyone who isn't willing to earn your trust doesn't deserve it.



_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to tamtam)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Here is an Question for Master - 4/7/2005 7:14:36 AM   
JXJDEEP


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		that is a good question he may not be speaking because you may not have asked the right question or you may not have asked it in the proper way.

(in reply to tamtam)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Here is an Question for Master - 4/7/2005 10:49:28 AM   
lil1v


Posts: 125
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JXJDEEP

that is a good question he may not be speaking because you may not have asked the right question or you may not have asked it in the proper way.


OMG.. That sounds so juvenile. Not forthcoming with an answer to an obviously concerned sub/slave just because they might not have asked the "right" question or asked it properly.

My parents used to do that crap to me. Like I can read minds and know the exact question to get the exact answer.. hell if I could do that, then I wouldn't even need to ask the question.

"Oh you didn't know I had a late meeting today? Well you could have asked."

UGH...



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(in reply to JXJDEEP)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Here is an Question for Master - 4/7/2005 11:00:24 AM   
lil1v


Posts: 125
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin

The policy I have with My subs is that I am open and honest in all things. HOWEVER there is an exception that one of My lawyers once shared with Me (and he is a top notch lawyer). His suggestion is that if you did something terribly wrong and telling your partner would only serve to crush them, you should not share it. You would solve nothing but cause bitterness and strife. You should bear the burden of guilt yourself and not pass it on to your partner for them to bear. It is all about the burden of responsibility. Although telling them would take a load off your mind and relieve the guilt, it would put a horrendous burden on them and it simply is not fair.

What I am suggesting, then, is that perhaps He is clamming up to save her the burden. Maybe, just maybe, it is not wise to pry. I do not know. Just a thought.


I'm wondering what kind of horrendous thing a Dom/me could have done that they should keep it from their sub?

I cannot fathom an instance to excuse lying. Part of this lifestyle I thought was working through things together and unltimate trust. I've always seen it as symbiotic. If a Dom/me is keeping THAT big of a secret, their guilt is going to show no matter how much they convince themselves it wont. Any sub worth thier salt is going to pick up on this and spend countless hours trying to figure out what happened.. maybe even blaming themselves if they can't find something else at fault.

Lawyers deal with secrets daily and twists and lies... I'd go to them for legal advice but not relationship advice. I expect to have no secrets from my Dom, and I expect him to have no secrets from me.

For me, willingly omitting something is the same as lying.



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(in reply to SirKenin)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Here is an Question for Master - 4/7/2005 1:50:15 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JXJDEEP

that is a good question he may not be speaking because you may not have asked the right question or you may not have asked it in the proper way.


I try to be polite an not be rude to folks... but in the immortal words of Sherman T Potter.... Horse Hockey!

It is the job of the dominant to teach the submissive what behavior is expected... that requires, among other things, effective communication. Refusing to answer them because they did not ask the right question or in the proper way is not effective communication.

An example of effective communication would first of all be to listen to whatever is being said. If she is asking questions in a very clumsy hard to understand way the dominant should still listen. Even if the dominant can't make heads or tails out of what the submissive is trying to ask, its a clear sign they are trying to ask something. At that point the dominant should take steps to calm the submissive, help them to focus into a more composed frame of mind, then help them to phrase their question in a way that is understandable. That may take some time and some trial and error, nobody said training a submissive was going to be a bed of roses. Be patient, teach the submissive how to express those questions, fears, needs and desires. Then coach the submissive through doing exactly that. If the submissive fails, correct, discipline, retry... rinse and repeat as often as necessary. Sometimes discipline means giving an appropriate punishment, not to torment them but to get through to a stubborn submissive that they need to focus on what you are trying to teach them. To impress upon them that you are trying to help them communicated their thoughts an they need to cooperate and meet you half way! Hopefully that won't be necessary, most submissives will generally try very hard to please and just need effective guidance.

But in no case is just ignoring the problem effective guidance. Being a dominant means being a leader... so lead them where you want them to go.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to JXJDEEP)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Here is an Question for Master - 4/9/2005 10:58:13 PM   
KnotNice


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/31/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tamtam
....Being honest in an dom/sub relationship is very important to me....


Actions speak louder than words tammy, you know what I'm talking about.

I suggest that you be honest with yourself first.

(in reply to tamtam)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Here is an Question for Master - 4/10/2005 3:10:34 PM   
FuriousAngel


Posts: 102
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline 		People will jump on me for this one. I'm not suggesting it's fact, only my experience.

When I have felt 'flags' about the activity/intent/wrongdoing of another? I have yet to ever, EVER have the 'flags' prove to be wrong. This refers to any person in life, be it friend, male, female, relationship, D/s, employment, etc.

I admit that in several instances after discussing my concerns, I have been appeased for short durations by the responses I receive. However, inevitably I find out that 'appeasing' was all I was doing. The flags were correct.

I know when I feel safe, comfortable and secure with a person. When I stop feeling that way? There is a reason and it is not a matter of lack of communication. It's because that funny little thing called 'instinct' reared it's head.

Again, this is only my personal experience.

(in reply to KnotNice)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Here is an Question for Master - 4/16/2005 2:02:04 PM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirCache

Trust is the absolute most essential thing a slave must have. Without that crucial trust everything that goes on--the servitude, the obedience... it's just playing face value without any real emotion in it.

Some people equate emotional honesty with weakness, but I've found quite the opposite. Most slaves relish the knowledge that they can soothe the troubles a Master has. They yearn for that ultimate gift of self where their Master opens up and spills out those troubles/fears/concerns so that the slave is duty bound to clean them up, dust them off, and put them away so that the Master may retire quite content.



OMG is this not the absolute truth!!!!

thank you so much for printing it!!

~~shy


_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to SirCache)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Here is an Question for Master - 4/17/2005 1:26:37 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FuriousAngel
When I have felt 'flags' about the activity/intent/wrongdoing of another? I have yet to ever, EVER have the 'flags' prove to be wrong. This refers to any person in life, be it friend, male, female, relationship, D/s, employment, etc.


The problem comes when have people start saying "if he wants another slave that's a red flag"

And people DO say things like that, and more.

(in reply to FuriousAngel)
Profile   Post #: 29
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