the how soon to collar question

the how soon to collar question (Full Version)

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touchthesky -> the how soon to collar question (2/11/2007 11:46:54 PM)
a local Dom ( not from collarme) who i spent one evening with and kept in touch with via email asked me to move into his household, be his slave and wear his collar. We got on pretty well. but i do not have a full sense of him. I told him this and he said i do know him and know i am meant to be his slave, that if i trust my instincts to be with him. I suspect he might just be lonely or wanting someone to take care of his needs, that it could easily be someone else. So i told him we had to wait and see what happens, but now he is real angry. He might be the one and i don't want to blow it. tough call

SusanofO -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/11/2007 11:53:10 PM)
Well, if he is "The One" - can't he understand your need to wait a bit? I mean - one evening isn't any amount of time to get collared by - I think he'd be at least willing to let you have a few more months (or weeks, at least). I can understand his maybe feeling a bit hurt (especially if he's lonely) - but this should be something you two can discuss - especially if he is "The One" - I'd think so, anyway. Good luck. Sincerely, Susan

CandleInTheWind -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/11/2007 11:55:34 PM)
a collar to me is an important thing...evideatnly to you as well...if you do not feel that at this momnet it is a good idea to move into theis mans house hld....then do not....If it were a vanilla relationship would you?? well if you would then use that criterior...if you wouldnt then dont because obviously there isnt anything major wrong...so just take it by those reasons...and decide honey...and most of all dont rely n his view of what you feel...noone else can tell you what you feel!!!

venusdiva429 -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 12:00:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: touchthesky a local Dom ( not from collarme) who i spent one evening with and kept in touch with via email asked me to move into his household, be his slave and wear his collar. We got on pretty well. but i do not have a full sense of him. I told him this and he said i do know him and know i am meant to be his slave, that if i trust my instincts to be with him. I suspect he might just be lonely or wanting someone to take care of his needs, that it could easily be someone else. So i told him we had to wait and see what happens, but now he is real angry. He might be the one and i don't want to blow it. tough call Oh, HELL no! He's telling you what you think, even when you're presenting some very, very valid doubts? That's not domination, that's a huge serving of crazy. There are lots of subs/Doms on this board that recommend a good 6 months of contact (and I'm going to hazard a guess that this includes numerous real-life meetups) before becoming collared. I don't know how long you've been corresponding, but I'd have a lot more than one F2F meeting. Here's a question: can you get any references? It sounds like he's in an awfully big rush. Also, he is not going to be your only chance. Believe me. There is ALWAYS someone else down the road that will give you all the time you need. Uprooting yourself for the sake of one meeting would be a crying shame, and would possibly be a mistake that you can't fix!

touchthesky -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 12:00:26 AM)
i totally feel what you guys are saying. I m new in town and i think he is sorta trying to beat out contenders. his reasoning is i should trust his judgement. I dont see him as unscupulous but this just seems too rushed. thanks for the validation

BitaTruble -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 12:01:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: touchthesky i spent one evening i told him we had to wait now he is real angry ::deletes all the extra stuff:: What was the question? Celeste

BeautifulRacket -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 12:07:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: touchthesky a local Dom ( not from collarme) who i spent one evening with and kept in touch with via email asked me to move into his household, be his slave and wear his collar. We got on pretty well. but i do not have a full sense of him. I told him this and he said i do know him and know i am meant to be his slave, that if i trust my instincts to be with him. I suspect he might just be lonely or wanting someone to take care of his needs, that it could easily be someone else. So i told him we had to wait and see what happens, but now he is real angry. He might be the one and i don't want to blow it. tough call I think you should trust your instincts and common sense, and if you do that, it's not a tough call at all. IF (and that's a BIG 'if') it did happen to work, it'd be sheer luck because, as you said, you don't know or have a good sense of him at this point. If he's "the one" for you, he will give you the time you need to learn about him, build respect and trust. In fact, he will be more than happy to do that and require it himself, instead of getting impatient or angry with you for trusting yourself and making wise choices. The reality is that he doesn't know you well after such a short period of time either, and he'd be stupid to jump into something serious too soon because you could very well be a terrible match for him! Collaring and moving in with someone are big steps reserved for people who know eachother extremely well and are looking to spend their lives together, IMO. I don't understand how people can do either when they don't know each other and/or don't have a rock-solid relationship that's developed over time and expect to succeed, but like I said, that's just my perspective.

greeneyes1962 -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 12:09:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble quote: ORIGINAL: touchthesky i spent one evening i told him we had to wait now he is real angry ::deletes all the extra stuff:: What was the question? Celeste wow, that's one way to clear things up, lol. very much to the point, and i have to agree with you here Celeste.

texancutie -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 12:09:59 AM)
In my humble opinion....one evening and a bunch of emails are not enough reason to collar someone, let alone move into someone's house. I think you are smart to wait. Getting on pretty well is not enough reason to make a serious commitment like that. I also don't think it is a good sign that he is really angry about you wanting to wait either.

touchthesky -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 12:11:49 AM)
u are all totally on point and i thank you for the reality check.

venusdiva429 -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 12:23:02 AM)
hugs Maybe he's trying to beat them out because he knows that they have a better offer...?

taintedgypsy -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 1:02:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: greeneyes1962 quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble quote: ORIGINAL: touchthesky i spent one evening i told him we had to wait now he is real angry ::deletes all the extra stuff:: What was the question? Celeste wow, that's one way to clear things up, lol. very much to the point, and i have to agree with you here Celeste. yep I have to agree with the above, (that and a strong voice in my head telling me to run screaming in the other direction) warm smiles

twicehappy -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 4:04:54 AM)
Trust your instincts! If you do not feel this is the one for you just say no. Nobody should ever be pressured into a collar. It should be offered and accepted freely. Somebody who is pressuring a collaring raises the question of " how insecure is this Dom?" To me he should be fairly confident you will accept before he offers. Smells to me like a more polite version of "on your knees now!"

MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 4:12:11 AM)
I see a collar as a symbol of commitment within a BDSM relationship, much like an engagement ring/marriage is in a vanilla relationship. I don't think that it's a good idea to decide to be collared to someone and move in with someone quickly to "be their slave", any more than it would be to meet and marry someone within a few weeks. Granted relationships do differ, but one thing they all really need is a solid foundation and that takes time to build. Knowing someone well and building trust do not happen overnight. There are those out there that are lonely or that have been seeking for a long time that will try to rush such a relationship. The problem with that is that they're not rushing a relationship with YOU...because they don't know YOU yet. They're enamoured of the characteristics and image they are projecting on you - and they are rushing into that fantasy relationship that is nothing more than a house of cards. Ask yourself - if you rush into this, how are you going to pick up the pieces when it falls apart - because without foundation, it will.

littleone0472 -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 4:20:47 AM)
if he's like this now, what would he be like if you were collared to him? do you think he'd take your feelings and thoughts into considerations after collaring?? just a thought. though i agree with everyone else.. trust your gut and dont be pressured into anything!! esmeralda

RavenMuse -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 4:25:31 AM)
My usual answer to "How long".... Time isn't relevant, when you are both sure (And not just fooling yourselves with the fantasy) then is the right time regardless of wether it has been weeks or years. In this case you are not sure, ergo it is either too early or not going to happen at all.

fieryshadow -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 4:41:34 AM)
It is no tough call. If He is what He says He is then your needs and you being comfortable with things are looked at. If He can not respect that you dont feel right and that you need more time then He probally isnt the right one. As the Right One will want to take it at your pace and make sure it is right all the way around before jumping into a collar. Collars are not velcro. and when they dont work out it always hurts. I have only been in two real time collars, and one started out much like what You are talking about. You may message me if you wish to talk more.

Celeste43 -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 6:54:31 AM)
He's not the one. If he were, he would want you to trust him, he would be doing whatever you needed to gain trust in him, he would have give you the time you needed to know him. Right now, he's like someone trying to sell you something off the street, saying of course it's a real Coach bag going for only $20. You wouldn't fall for that, don't fall for this.

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 7:07:52 AM)
my pov - you spent one evening with him. did you learn everything about him in a matter of hours? you are clearly expressing doubts and this so-called dom is pressuring you to move and be collared. my advice - run! trust your instincts - you said yourself you don't have a full sense of him. that should give you some sort of clue. a sub/slave shouldn't be pressured to accept anyone's collar if there's no established sense of trust, devotion, respect, chemistry, etc. and one evening doesn't give you the full analysis of this dom. if he was the "one", he would be more patient and wait before collaring you.

SimplyMichael -> RE: the how soon to collar question (2/12/2007 7:15:28 AM)
Anger is a bad sign, PERIOD

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