Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms/Dommes/subs/slaves.

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms/Dommes/subs/slaves.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms/Dommes/subs/slaves.

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms/Dom... - 3/13/2005 3:55:23 PM

slavecouple4U

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/3/2005
Status: offline

OK, so this subject has been bantered about many times before, but i think it really needs to be addressed again here in this venue. The question to the readers is: How can one be assured that they are corresponding with an honest person, or someone who is simply posing as someone who they are not?
i hear the same thing from many people on all BDSM and D/s Websites. They say that they have been lied to, and are very suspicious of everyone.
Now these are not invalid complaints from stupid people, but rather they are totally and completely legitimate.
W/we are often misled into thinking that W/who we are communicating with are as honest and straightforward as are W/we. However, there is much deception on the Internet, as well as some very honest and ethical people.
i am not here to put others down, but only to warn those of U/us who may, in fact, be victims of such deception. And we all know that dishonesty and deception can happen to each and every one of us when we attempt to make contact with one another.
No one wishes to be victimized, unless of course it is a consentual act, and not the act of a person who's only rush is to decieve others into thinking that he or She is an open and honest person. But my concern of late has been due to people with whom i would love to connect with, but who are suspicious and have been victimized by deceptive individuals. And can O/one really blame them?

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/13/2005 4:45:09 PM

Blk4u2

Posts: 45
Joined: 3/8/2005
Status: offline

I can say that you just never can be sure. the best way to go about things is to meet in a relaxed public atmosphere first. After drinks and good conversation you will be able to gauge whether or not you want to go any further. If someone cannot be who they claim to be online, in person, then they are fakes. I have run through my share of them in the almost 7 years I have been interacting online.

(in reply to slavecouple4U)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/13/2005 6:03:59 PM

MsSilvie

Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline

Everyone hopes that the people they talk with on the net are honest, but really, you can't assume that everyone is.

I think you take some time to talk with someone, see if they contradict themselves, or if they stay pretty consistent. There are things I would consider signs of being deceptive. If someone is unattached, I would want their phone number, and I would expect that I can call at any reasonable time. A willingness to meet relatively soon if they are more or less local. And for heavens sake, if you are talking about a long term thing with a person who is not local, I would insist on them getting on a web cam for me. Costs less than $50 and the best way to make sure someone isn't being misleading about who they are.

(in reply to slavecouple4U)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/13/2005 6:51:38 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavecouple4U
The question to the readers is: How can one be assured that they are corresponding with an honest person, or someone who is simply posing as someone who they are not?

You can’t. You can only follow your instinct and protect yourself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavecouple4U
i hear the same thing from many people on all BDSM and D/s Websites. They say that they have been lied to, and are very suspicious of everyone.

I know some people have been mislead on a BDSM site. Oddly enough, the 3 cases of deception I’ve had was meeting off of Lavalife, which is not a BSDM site. And I’ve met a whole lot more people off BDSM sites.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavecouple4U
However, there is much deception on the Internet, as well as some very honest and ethical people.

Some people forget that lies and deception started before the Internet…

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavecouple4U
But my concern of late has been due to people with whom i would love to connect with, but who are suspicious and have been victimized by deceptive individuals. And can O/one really blame them?

Everyone chooses whether or not they want to be a victim. Personally, I learn from my mistakes and move on. I won’t let a few bad apples stop me from meeting exceptional people.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to slavecouple4U)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/14/2005 5:05:00 PM

CitizenCane

Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

I have to go with LadyAngelika on this- lots of deception all over, not just BDSM sites, not just meet-up sites, not just the internet. The vast majority of victims still meet their murder/rapist/whatever face-to-face for the first time. I think the internet is scary because we KNOW how much we can't tell about somebody on the other end of a text=stream. Face-to-face we think we can spot the liars better- at least their gender! (Although I do remember this TV in college who used to hit the freshman dances and... well, he/she fooled a lot guys). It's easy for people to make outrageous claims on the internet- which is why I like to have a face-to-face as early as possible. That way we don't waste a lot of each other's time. I've found that most people who are willing to meet are pretty much what they say they are (though sometimes a couple pounds heavier or a couple years older). Of course, all that means is you're on to the level of face-to-face deceit that's been around forever.

Citizen Cane

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/14/2005 8:16:28 PM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline

In all serious, I expect to have a pretty good idea if someone is genuine by the second or third time we've spent time together in person. Prior to spending time together in person, I don't believe there is anyway whatsoever to rule out the possibility that they're yanking your chain. If, however, someone has a trick I haven't heard of, I would be more than willing to listen.
Timothy

(in reply to CitizenCane)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/15/2005 4:05:43 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domtimothy46176

In all serious, I expect to have a pretty good idea if someone is genuine by the second or third time we've spent time together in person. Prior to spending time together in person, I don't believe there is anyway whatsoever to rule out the possibility that they're yanking your chain. If, however, someone has a trick I haven't heard of, I would be more than willing to listen.
Timothy

I don't think there is a way to rule out the possibility *completely* even in person. This is not a comment on your or anyone else’s ability to gage people. Some people are expert dupers!

I think the same rules apply online and offline. Being objective, keeping both feet on the ground, observing and listening to your gut.

Everyone I met face-to-face after having talked to online has been pretty close to the mark (my own subjectivity and expectations probably also came into play here), a few even dead on.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to domtimothy46176)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/15/2005 6:28:28 PM

GentleLady

Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

I tend to take people at face value until they prove different. That makes Me a touch naive because I try and think the best of people when I am getting to know them. The flip side is that I am an extremely suspicious person. I assume that the person is holding things back and presenting themselves in the best possible way to cover up defects or dishonesty. These two views are not as contradictory as they seem because it boils down to Me not making a value judgement until after I have gotten to know the person well enough to be able tell whether or not they are telling the truth and which things they can be trusted about.

So when I meet someone (either on-line or in person) I approach it the same way. I listen and ask questions and wait to see if the statements are consistent over time. I compare the words to the actions and behaviours. I am twice as suspicious of people's statements about who they are on-line because I know it is a lot easier to portray yourself as someone you are not. However I have been fooled more often real time meeting people then I have been on-line. That is where My own naivity trips Me up.

for what it worth...
Gentle Lady

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to slavecouple4U)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/15/2005 7:13:51 PM

whoremoans

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/26/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

When I was younger I was really insecure and I lied over the net all the time...

Now I don't generally take anyone seriously until I meet them in person. I suggest you meet in person with someone you're speaking with as soon as possible, because that is essentially what it comes down to if you're intending to make something out of the online relationship.

-whoremoans-

Attachment (1)

(in reply to slavecouple4U)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/17/2005 10:27:07 PM

Chilli

Posts: 42
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

I would take anything said with a grain of salt unless some sort of meaningful dialogue took place which would take a little while for me cause Im a pain in the ass type gal who likes to talk, so I can figure out if the other person is real or just a dork. The end result is that I have never met a scary person. I have met one person that I didnt like after a little while, but my odds are still pretty good. I think I have a great bullshit detector.

Also I live in New Zealand, and we are lovely over here

(in reply to whoremoans)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/18/2005 4:44:06 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSilvie
I would insist on them getting on a web cam for me. Costs less than $50 and the best way to make sure someone isn't being misleading about who they are.

This is a good method, but still not foolproof - I know how to route it through so that someone else's cam shows as mine ... granted, it will only work if the same person is online at the same time as you every time, but stranger things have happened ...

(in reply to MsSilvie)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/18/2005 7:40:26 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I tend to agree with the folks who say don't spend too much time online before going to a r/t meet. Do the r/t meet in a safe way (I'm assuming you know all the usual tricks for keeping yourself safe at a first r/t meet).

Then my mantra is "Trust and verify, trust and verify, trust and verify."

Want to know how to find out stuff about people on the net? Contact me privately.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to slavecouple4U)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/18/2005 12:12:41 PM

indydomme

Posts: 27
Joined: 1/16/2005
From: Columbus, IN
Status: offline

Thank GOD, that's all I want to say.

Everyone thinks I'm SOOOOO weird when I say, "I like to meet people for drinks immediately."

I have many reasons for this. The biggest being that I don't like the way that the internet has changed the dynamic of dating. You talk to someone online for a couple of months, and when you meet, they think they know you, they expect things... I don't like that. I want to date, the way it's supposed to be done. Come to my house (not the first date

) pick me up, take me out to dinner, whatever.

Another reason is that I don't want to spend months getting to know someone that I am going to have no chemsitry with. I'd rather know immediately.

And there IS that WHOLE misrepresentation thing... That's a bummer. I've met quite a few people on the internet, several of them on collarme, and a few of them were rather disappointing... What can I say.

That's my rant. I just realized I jutted off in an entirely new direction.

Miss Erin

_____________________________

I'm not a bitch, I just know exactly what I want, and exactly what it takes to get there. Now, Bend Over.

(in reply to CitizenCane)

Profile

Post #: 13

RE: Concerns over honesty when dealing with online Doms... - 3/18/2005 3:11:31 PM

MsLisa

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

The question to the readers is: How can one be assured that they are corresponding with an honest person, or someone who is simply posing as someone who they are not?

You can't. But to be honest its not just on the internet that there are people who misrepresent themselves. I have found that type of dishonesty with people who go to the BDSM munches, clubs, events too by telling others they are more experienced than they are or pretending to be one thing if they think it might get them a little action.

I think the best way to find out about a person online or off is to get to know all the aspects of their lives that they are willing to share. If there are things about themselves they aren't willing to share even in general, that would be a red flag for me. When you meet someone in a BDSM venue, one tends to gravitate to that subject/topic and the rest of the life experiences/interests aren't explored.

If the person can't carry on a conversation without trying to dominate or submit with every other word or turn every conversation into sexual innuendo or discussion of fantasies, then to me they are players. Real people are 3-D and should be able to converse on a variety of topics. Is it full proof? Nope, but it sure helps my personal bull shit detector.

_____________________________

www.LovingLee.com

(in reply to slavecouple4U)

Profile

Post #: 14