How do you know when...

How do you know when... (Full Version)

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Blk4u2 -> How do you know when... (3/13/2005 4:33:12 PM)
How do you know when to bring someone to the next level ? I'm still new to this lifestyle, but I have found someone who I want to submit to me. If i'm crude in teh way I express my desires and thoughts forgive me for now. i have been seeing this woman since the begining of the year. From the first night I wnt out with her I knew there was something different about her. While away from me she has much bravado, but in my presence she melts, and when I instruct her she does what I say to the letter. She is into ass play and i spank her often, but I have not progressed to a paddle or a whip yet. Stay with me. She has admitted being very dominant in her previous relationships, but finds herself giving in to me. Kisses are passionate, and I grip her neck and she melts. So why is it I am not quite sure she should be made completely aware of where I am willing to take her yet ? What are some signs that I may have missed or should be looking for to know that she's ready ? The next time we are together I plan on tieing (sp?) her up, spanking and some hot strawberry colored wax on her ass.

merrymasochist -> RE: How do you know when... (3/13/2005 4:48:34 PM)
If she's already leaning in that direction, you're best bet would probably be to simply ask her. Or, you can present some of your ideas to her and see how she reacts. Yes, it will take some of the spontinaity out of things but better that than a bad reaction to a surprise. Good luck! [:)] Sincerely, merry

Shayna -> RE: How do you know when... (3/13/2005 6:33:34 PM)
Communication! Have you talked about each of your expecations of a relationship? Are you both looking for the same thing? Early on is the time to check in and see if you are both on the same wavelength. You can't read each other's minds...don't try. Good luck!

Blk4u2 -> RE: How do you know when... (3/14/2005 9:38:06 AM)
Thanks. the thing is this relationship, was not even supposed to be one. It was supposed to be a casual dating, activity type "relationship". Truthefully sex was not on my mind, as I was trying to keep my sex life, and my friends separate. Then one night the conversation turned to control, and how she felt that her ex was a control freak, and she couldn't stand it. Your right in that I should just present this to her, but i think I will wait until after i tease her some more. Nothing extreme of course.

Wicken -> RE: How do you know when... (3/14/2005 3:34:31 PM)
I agree with merrymasochist, since it's evident she is turned on by your dominance, go with it. She has had the Dominant role in her previous relationships so this may be her first experience with being "on the other end" so to speak. Find out what, if any, experience she has being a submissive. find out what her submissive fantasies are. Let her know you are new to this and tell her what you're into at this stage. Find a mutual ground you're both comfortable with and go from there. I wish you both well on your journies

MidnightWriter -> RE: How do you know when... (3/16/2005 1:07:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Blk4u2 Thanks. the thing is this relationship, was not even supposed to be one. It was supposed to be a casual dating, activity type "relationship". Truthefully sex was not on my mind, as I was trying to keep my sex life, and my friends separate. Hmmm... Usually, I prefer to be at least "friends" with the people I have sex with. quote: Then one night the conversation turned to control, and how she felt that her ex was a control freak, and she couldn't stand it. Your right in that I should just present this to her, but i think I will wait until after i tease her some more. Nothing extreme of course. "Extreme" is different things to different people. I know one woman who loves to have her back and butt turned into hamburger - singletails, raspberry canes, knifeplay, just about anything works for her - but she can't tolerate being tickled. You won't know what landmines there are to trip over until you've negotiated. As fun as teasing her along is, I recommend that you have that talk before you spring any surprises on her.

CitizenCane -> RE: How do you know when... (3/16/2005 8:45:42 PM)
There are all kinds of communication. Just being dominant is one of them. Just don't be a rapist. A caveat, however- there are people out there who's compliance is not the product of their desires, but rather of deep trauma and a sense of powerlessness. For my money, that's not healthy, and it's not very healthy to take advantage of it. Your description doesn't seem to match that kind of situation, but you ought to be attentive to the possibility. Citizen Cane

MidnightWriter -> RE: How do you know when... (3/16/2005 10:27:15 PM)
Myself, I prefer consent - but that's more because I like being able to keep my toys than because non-consent squicks me. Rapist isn't my kink, but I'm not going to second-guess myself a whole lot on this one. Yes, there are people whose compliance is based upon previous trauma - and they can be unstable dynamite to play with. When you get right down to it, I can't prove that my own urges aren't based upon previous trauma - I've had enough of that. What was your point? If a person is competent to run their own lives, and give/withhold consent, it'd be awfully arrogant of me to tell them that their consent wasn't valid because of their past issues. Explore those issues, see what healing can be brought to the table, urge them (or command them, if consent to such has been given) to get professional help with those issues if need be - these are things I've done. But if a person is judged (in my judgement) to be competent to give consent, then their consent must be honored - and if they're not competent, I've no desire to deal with them at all. I am not here to be their mommy, taking care of them in spite of themselves - I'm here to dominate/own/train them, for my own damn purposes, once they clearly agree to such actions on my part. Sometimes, I just whup 'em - because that's what they've agreed to. Sometimes, I try to take their minds apart and rearrange them to my own liking - because that's what they've agreed to. I've argued strongly against the slogan "Safe, Sane, Consensual" - I'm not going to add "Healthy" to that mix and pretend to be a social worker. I've seen this social/sexual orientation whitewashed to the point of seeming totally safe and uber-healthy - but pretending to be a Public Service isn't my kink, and I'm not going to do it. I'm a control-freak sexual pervert, enjoying many things that would horrify Aunt Mabel - and I can live with that. I'm looking for potential partners who want a dominant pervert - I'm not looking for the world's wounded, so I can take good care of them, while we pretend to practice d/s. YMMV - but mine doesn't, mostly. Feel free to show up with a license, a couple of MMPI tests, and analyze to your heart's content.

SirKenin -> RE: How do you know when... (3/17/2005 6:03:43 PM)
Heh. I guess I'm wierd. When I'm in a D/s relationship, such as now, I just simply tell her what I'm going to do next or I outline the new expectation as the case might be. I don't do so until I feel I know her intimately and I know she can handle having her limits pushed a little bit. W/we engage in the activity and then W/we sit down and talk about it after. That's all there is to it. If she doesn't like it there is always the almighty safe word with which W/we are all familiar.

johnlabado -> RE: How do you know when... (3/19/2005 3:21:41 AM)
hi how are u hope well by the grace of our lord i am latifa and i want u to be my friend so holla me back okay

johnlabado -> RE: How do you know when... (3/19/2005 3:22:56 AM)
hi how are u i am latifa

CitizenCane -> RE: How do you know when... (3/19/2005 9:34:27 AM)
MW- All I'm saying is that there are many kinds and levels of consent. Most moral, ethical and legal thinkers that consent requires access to pertinent information, comprehension of consequences and so on in order to be deemed valid. My own ethic suggests that I distinguish between the outward form of consent and the inner meaning of it- but that's just me. My original point is that it's just as valid to obtain consent by force of personality ('dominance') as it is to obtain it by negotiation- assuming that the other inherent qualities of consent are present. It's also true that the outward form of consent obtained by either procedure may not reflect any meaningful inner consent. This being the case, I believe the dominant party has a responsibility- to himself, as an ethical being- to 'own' the results of his actions, regardless of 'consent' given. I don't rely on safewords, for instance- even if the sub has one. Having a position of power, it's up to me to use it responsibly- to me, this means doing no harm, harm being something I have a responsibility to assess. Usually a submissive's perspective on this issue is pretty valid- but I won't do things I think are harmful even if a submissive desires it. On occaision, what a person (any person) needs is a bit of a boost out of their self-imposed structure of limitations. If I give someone that boost- I'd damn well better be right. I'm perfectly aware that this seems arrogant and ego-maniacal to many- and I do my best to avoid intimacy with people of that perspective. Citizen Cane

MistressWoulf -> RE: How do you know when... (3/19/2005 11:02:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidnightWriter I've argued strongly against the slogan "Safe, Sane, Consensual" - I'm not going to add "Healthy" to that mix and pretend to be a social worker. I've seen this social/sexual orientation whitewashed to the point of seeming totally safe and uber-healthy - but pretending to be a Public Service isn't my kink, and I'm not going to do it. I'm a control-freak sexual pervert, enjoying many things that would horrify Aunt Mabel - and I can live with that. I'm looking for potential partners who want a dominant pervert - I'm not looking for the world's wounded, so I can take good care of them, while we pretend to practice d/s. I have to applaud that paragraph right there. So refreshing to see a man honestly state what he is and not bullshit around about it. My desire to dominate men is far different than my desire to dominate a woman. (Actually my heterosexual relationships are mostly vanilla.) I want to hurt a woman, make her cry, humiliate her, use her for my own sexual satisfaction, brand her, beat her, make her "mine." Anyone with any background in psychology will tell you that's not "normal" nor healthy. It sure as hell ain't "sane." If a woman gives her consent to me, then that's all I need. I've had enough therapy and my sexual kinks are still there. Right now, I'm forcing myself not to get involved with a woman because she has some past issues/traumas that I just couldn't handle dealing with if she were to suddenly fall apart. I don't want to take on that responsibility, and if I chose to take ownership of her, it would become my responsibility. I'll be here for her as a friend, but only that. I'm not her mother nor am I qualified to be a therapist. I have a son, and he's all the children I need right now. CitizenCane, I agree when you gave your little caveat about a woman's seeming submission could be the result of other underlying issues. Speaking as someone who was once a delicate young woman completely ignorant of sex (well, not completely ignorant; I had my father's Penthouse mags), I know that I acted in ways that some would perceive as giving my consent to be dominated. It was actually more of a case of me not knowing that I could say no. I'm sure someone like you would be experienced enough to pick up on the signs, but there are men out there that take advantage of something like that. Yes, I speak from experience (no, not rape, but not far off either). Some women do still just go along with men because they believe that is what they are supposed to do. We're told from a tiny young age that some day Prince Charming is going to come and sweep us of our feet and magically whisk us away to some far of castle to live happily ever after. So when a man shows interest in us, we think we should let him take charge. Sure, that's changing, but my family is old fashioned and women have a "place" by their way of thinking. Personally, as a woman and knowing how some women can feel, I'd prefer to have the verbal consent as well as a conversation so I can be sure she knows what she's getting herself into. Sure, I might get an idea upon meeting a woman that she might like to be dominated in some fashion, but I just think it's far better to get a verbal understanding.

Blk4u2 -> RE: How do you know when... (4/13/2005 4:16:59 PM)
We have talked more about this, and she is willing to learn with me. There are a few minor things we have done...that have left her wanting more of me the next day. The relationship has definitely changed, as now we are seeing each other exclusively. There were personal reasons I was hesitant before, but I did explain them to her. She didn't react negatively and has been great about everything. I really could not believe that I would find someone who feels like an extention of myself, but at the same time an opposite. Thank you all for the sound advice. I am glad that i joined collarme, and hopefully someday I can offer as much help as I am receiving.

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