Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability

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Rayne58 -> Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (3/14/2005 4:48:11 PM)
I am interested in hearing from other subs/slaves whose Dom/Master has an illness or disability that is ongoing and not likely to improve. My Master has diabetes which has caused His kidneys to fail. He is on peritoneal dialysis at home and does not feel well much of the time. He is not eligible for a transplant. There are other concerns as well such as arthritis which means He is in pain, and digestive problems which make eating difficult sometimes. There are lots of things we have to cope with on a daily basis. My training has been limited because of tiredness. However that has been something of a good thing because I am new to the world of D/s [:)] How do you manage when sometimes you have to be the one in charge ......it does feel wrong to be telling my Dom "Hey you have to eat now" but there is a very good reason for it! I do know I am loved and cared for but the worry of things does get to me sometimes. We take things day by day and I know that is all we can do. He is the best thing to ever happen to me and I hope we manage to have many years together but there are no guarantees.......[:(]

mistoferin -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (3/14/2005 6:23:22 PM)
Rayne, First of all I want to give you a hug. I can't say that I know exactly what it is like to be in your shoes as my situation was a bit different, but I think I can understand your basic feelings. Years ago, my ex Sir was in a very bad motorcyle accident. He broke his leg in 28 places from the knee down and once above the knee. They very nearly amputated his leg the night of the accident and we lived under the constant threat of amputation for many years to follow. He was in the hospital for just over a year and when he came home he was confined to bed for the next 5 years. He was only allowed to get up to use the bathroom and to shower. Other than that he had to be lying down with his leg straight in the air. From being immobilized for so long, it destroyed the veins in his lower leg. His arteries would pump the blood down, but his veins would not bring it back up, so it would pool in his leg. This led to immense swelling and finally ulcers. The ulcers were so bad that you could see the bones in his legs and every night I would have to debride them with a toothbrush and change all of the dressings. This was a very painful procedure. I understand that it is not in your nature, but at times like these you do have to take charge of the situation. I knew that financially we were not going to make it so I went back to school. I was also working three jobs and taking care of my Sir and a new baby who I was still nursing. None of those were things that I had ever thought I would be capable of doing and quite honestly I still to this day could not tell you how I managed. You just do what you have to do sometimes I guess. Communication is so important. You need to let him know your feelings and your fears. The two of you can sit down and discuss the responsibilities that the two of you are comfortable with you assuming. You can still maintain your D/s relationship in all other aspects of your life together. The other advice that I can give you is that you really need to take some time for you too so that you don't burn out. I used to light a candle, grab a book, pour some bubbles in the tub, turn some soft music on and tell everyone that I only wanted to be disturbed if there was heavy blood loss or fire.....everything else was non emergent for that half hour. Do something regularly just for you though. If you should need to talk, scream or just cry....I have a good ear for listening. Feel free to contact me anytime.

Jusey -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (3/14/2005 6:54:12 PM)
I wish you all of the very best. Coming from a Domme who is partically disabled (I have pens and rods in my back that cause me to be in pain 90% of the time) it can be difficult from both sides. I would advise that you be ready for the two most common reactions, one is not wanting to play anymore. When someone feels like they are loosing control sometimes they will just let it go to keep from having to fight one more fight. The other is becoming basically mean. It is also a stress reaction. I catch myself barking at those around me that I love dearly and saying truly hurtful things that I would never say normally. For me I would rather have twice the back pain than to hurt my loved ones emotionally, but unfortunately I can't take back what I have said. You have a lot of weight on your tiny sholders. You can do this. You where obviously brought together for a reason (getting a little religious here) and you are meant for each other. You make sure the doctor appointments are gone to and that you keep him eating right and you can have years of a wonderful life together (this coming from a nurse). I have faith in you, you just need faith in you. One last run, please find some way to let go every now an then like was already suggested. If you don't there is a good chance that you will become very unhappy, and maybe even resentful. I am sure this will not happen to you, but it could so please take a bubble bath or do what ever you find that helps the world go away for 30 minutes. Brightest Blessing to you and yours Jusey

Rayne58 -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (3/14/2005 7:45:37 PM)
Thanks for your replies! I have been trying to find resources dealing with this type of situation but most of them seem to deal with subs who are disabled and not the Dominant. He does insist that I take time out, He sends me out shopping or I go for coffee with a friend. We have been together since January last year and I moved from New Zealand to Sydney Australia to be with Him which meant I didn't know anyone here. Also living in a big city is a culture shock for me as I come from a small farming area. I still have not done much driving here because of the traffic, I can find my way to a couple of shopping centres and the hospital but that's about it [8\|] I'm getting past the taking charge problem by telling myself that it is a form of service to Him by looking after His health, and if that means I have to raise my voice a little and make Him do stuff, then so be it. He does get kind of stroppy when His sugar is low but He warned me about that and told me that if He told me to "F&@k off" while He was in that state that I was not to listen! [:D] It is amazing how much strength we can find in ourselves when we absolutely have to. Master was seriously ill with peritonitis last year and I visited Him in the hospital twice a day for 2 weeks, helped with His dialysis routine adding the antibiotics to the fluid when He came back home, did all the cleaning, shopping, paying bills etc. I have had a crash course in diabetes and hypoglycemic attacks since I moved here - in fact when I first visited Him prior to making the commitment to move He had 5 hypos in 4 days one of which needed an ambulance. And He still thinks I am mad to have moved here (standing joke, we each know how empty our lives would be without the other). I have learned what pills He takes and when, how to test blood sugar levels and draw up and give insulin injections, and how to spot the early signs of a sugar drop (He has lost the ability to feel it happening having been diabetic for over 30 years). I did try and find part time work when I moved here but trying to find something close by and with short hours was near impossible. So after He came out of the hospital I applied to be His official carer and we both get government benefits. We have both had bad marriages and were reluctant to commit our hearts but now are so glad we did despite the problems we face. I have permission to say anything to Him at any time if I am bothered about something or upset or tired.....that is when we take some time to just cuddle together and just BE without the Master/sub dynamic. We are in the process of looking for female friends/play partners for me (I am bi). He is actively encouraging me in this, figuring that, even if I don't have sexual contact with the ladies, that I will make some new friends. Our sex life is limited due to tiredness and the diabetes which means His erections are not as strong as they once were. However we have bought toys and He definitely has no problems domming me! [:D] I have been spanked with hand, ruler and paddle; orgasm denial is a favourite activity; and I love to orally service Him, that seems to be the best way for Him to get pleasure. Position wise we have to be creative due to the cath in His tummy and the arthritis. But as I said, we manage! [:D] Whew I have written a bit of a novel here [;)][:D] But it's good to be able to get things off my chest......

mamapolarbrr -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (3/19/2005 5:00:33 PM)
I am considering a Dom with spina bifida, he is in a wheelchair. We are meeting next weekend. It was nice to read the questions and responses, I never thought that their might be others with questions too. Although he sounds very self-reliant, the fact remains he cannot stand or bear any weight on his legs, we are going to find new ways to do things. Since I'm a novice it won't be like trying to teach an old dog new tricks. I'm encouraged by the kind responses I see on the board to everyones' concerns.

proudsub -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (3/19/2005 6:21:56 PM)
Here are a couple of threads that might interest you: ShadeDivas link to BDSM and disabilities disabled d/s

FangsNfeet -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (3/19/2005 7:46:14 PM)
Everyone is different and has execeptions. This is only going to reflect the majority. First off I'd like to point out that one with a Disability dosen't make him/her a weaker person. Perhaps they will have ceratain occomidations and possible assistants from time to time, but most ppl still have a great deal of indipendance. As for a Master who is Disabled or ill, you will see certain neediness where they bite more with barking orders. Financial structures will varry from person to person. If all they talk about is poor me with a sob story, I don't see them as being a Dom. They may be a sadist or one who becomes a perve due to the lack of Vannila Sex they can have but a whinney Dom is not a Dom. Best of luck to all relationships and especially thoughs where disabilities are involved. After all, for the most part, Disabilities are what have caused ppl to be more creative and improvise with how to do things. [image]local://upfiles/68772/D4E754A3ECE742E2B00C69DF22F7460D.jpg[/image]

Rayne58 -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (5/2/2005 6:25:18 AM)
Wow how things can change [8\|] Master was told before I met Him that He couldn't have a kidney transplant - apparently the drugs used to control rejection would kill Him quicker than His disease. Right now He is recovering from peritonitis, the second bout in 10 months. We went to His regular renal clinic today, the staff all know we are engaged. Well after the checkup and everything the specialist sat down and suggested to Him, considering He now has a life partner, that He go and get tested to see if a transplant is feasible! We aren't getting our hopes up quite yet, there is extensive testing to go through, but we will be taking this small chance at a longer life for Him [:)]

siamsa24 -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (5/2/2005 7:32:40 AM)
Rayne, Everyone here has given you wonderful suggestions and I would like to make one more. I know around here there are support groups for people that care for others. It would not be d/s related, but it would help you meet new people in the city. A good friend of mine started going to these meetings while caring for her mother. The people there are wonderful and many of them get together and go out for coffee, go to the movies and other things together. This may or may not work, but it may be worth looking in to. I do hope that the transplant option works out for him. The two of you will be in my prayers.

Rayne58 -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (5/26/2005 12:40:06 AM)
The testing has begun - on Monday He had His regular renal clinic checkup and a chest xray, yesterday a full body scan and next Monday a heart ultrasound. 10 days later it's an exercise test (again heart related) and then back to the renal clinic for another checkup and to hear whether the transplant is feasible and whether we need to go for more tests whew And even if He gets on the waiting list it could be a very long wait unless He gets a living donor - He has a sister but she lives in Canada, a long way from Australia. Still nothing ventured nothing gained I guess! [:)]

HalloweenWhite -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (7/12/2005 11:48:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet Everyone is different and has execeptions. This is only going to reflect the majority. First off I'd like to point out that one with a Disability dosen't make him/her a weaker person. Perhaps they will have ceratain occomidations and possible assistants from time to time, but most ppl still have a great deal of indipendance. As for a Master who is Disabled or ill, you will see certain neediness where they bite more with barking orders. Financial structures will varry from person to person. If all they talk about is poor me with a sob story, I don't see them as being a Dom. They may be a sadist or one who becomes a perve due to the lack of Vannila Sex they can have but a whinney Dom is not a Dom. Best of luck to all relationships and especially thoughs where disabilities are involved. After all, for the most part, Disabilities are what have caused ppl to be more creative and improvise with how to do things. [image]local://upfiles/68772/D4E754A3ECE742E2B00C69DF22F7460D.jpg[/image] Interesting post,especially the bit about whinney Doms. I would like to suggest that that "whinneyness" may sometimes be due to all kinds of experiences outside of the BDSM lifestyle that colour a person's opinion as regards how they fit in to the human race. Disabled people face discrimination in all sorts of ways, not least social and personal-people either dont talk to you at all,or they talk to you like you are four. And therefore it's damn near imposible to form intimate relationships. I could talk about this all day,but Im not whinning about having a disability. I do however meet people in real life and online in relation to BDSM who treat Me the same as others not into the lifestyle...(like Im four or not at all) who make Me wonder if and how I can fit into this lifestyle. Afterall if the view in brackets is widespread then I think I just lost to you tall able-bodied Doms. So please, try not to make such sweeping statements. And mamapolarbear,good luck to you and Yours. HalloweenWhite.

HalloweenWhite -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (7/12/2005 11:52:36 AM)
Proudsub, those links ont work. Can you post them again,or check that they still work,havent beem removed or something?.Thanks HalloweenWhite.

cutesub4Him -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (7/12/2005 2:48:04 PM)
Well my former Master has COPD and it was difficult but i loved Him and would have stood beside Him through to the end but seems this wasnt meant to be. The sad part is that i just got out of the hospital and also have emphysema and COPD, was sent home on oxygen and nebulizer. I wish you and Him well and just love Him all You can for there is not enough time on this earth to love them all they need

Rayne58 -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (8/20/2005 8:22:58 PM)
Bumping this as a complement to the other thread here on disabilities: Disablilties and Bondage/Slavery It's been a while since I updated this thread - Master has had tests on His heart and there have been some problems found. Hopefully it can be fixed without too much invasive therapy. He hates hospitals! He has an appointment with the cardiologist in a couple of weeks to discuss options. He has also had peritonitis again, the third time since April this year. He has nearly finished the treatment and has an appointment with His specialist tomorrow. We don't know why this keeps happening. Perhaps it is just a bad year for infections (it is winter going on spring here). When I contacted the clinic about this last infection, the nurse told me His was the third one that week and the second that day and they had several people undergoing treatment at the time. I am always very hygiene conscious - washing my hands before hooking up the machine and using antiseptic hand lotion whenever I have to do anything with the catheter.....[8\|] As you can imagine our sessions have been rather limited over the last few months. However we have met a lovely woman who has joined us a few times to play with me and with whom I have played alone. She is Dominant and kinky like us[:D] - she has added a new perspective to Master's and my relationship and He loves to see me smiling and happy after I have been with her. However we both know that this is an enhancement rather than a replacement for Him - He knows I have needs as a bi woman that He cannot provide. Nothing will ever come between our primary relationship, we are both in it for the long haul. [:)]

MissTy -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (8/25/2005 1:24:28 AM)
Thanks for this thread - its a good subject! I have met a dom that I am considering now, and he has diabetes, and of course I'm thinking about consequences of living with him and that he might end up getting very sick in the foreseeable future... I just know that if we decide to stay together, we would of course have to dicuss all possibilities (even on him dying relatively young), but I would never turn him down because of his illness - he is a wonderful person and I dont think I will find anyone like him again. Its a sore spot thou... its in the back of my mind a lot... Thank you Rayne for sharing how your life is with your dom. I wish you all the best - and I wish all of us long lives together [:)]

PRDCT -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (8/25/2005 8:50:41 AM)
I found this thread very interesting because I have two autoimmune diseases and I am awaiting a liver transplant as a result. I am also new to this lifestyle, so I am learning my own limits as I go. It's all a very frustrating learning process. Rayne58, I wish you and your Sir all the best.

Rayne58 -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (10/10/2005 6:20:22 AM)
Updating again....... Master has an appointment for an angiogram next Tuesday. As you can imagine He is not looking forward to it - He hates hospitals and early mornings and this means He will have to eat breakfast at 6am and be at the hospital by 7.30. I am prepared to have to put up with a very grumpy Dom![;)] He is recovering from peritonitis yet again, the 4th time since April. We saw the specialist today and he's been put on an oral antibiotic for 6 weeks as well as the antibiotics in the dialysis bags (which we have to continue until after the angiogram). It's likely the peritoneal catheter will need to be replaced. There may be a colony of bacteria inside it where the fluid can't reach due to tough strands of fibrin lodged in or around it. When He stops the treatment, in a few weeks it flares up again. Hopefully a new tube will fix this problem, we can only hope. However this means at least an overnight stay in the hospital......another case of grumpy Dom I am thinking! I'm not sure when they will be doing the operation, though it's likely it will be before xmas. It also means He will need to go on haemodialysis until the catheter heals, about 3-4 weeks I think from memory. He will need a vascath inserted in a neck vein to enable access. He has three failed fistulas in one arm and the other arm is being kept for emergencies. Haemo is really fun [8\|]- back pain so bad He needs morphine, and 3 afternoons a week in the hospital. So there you go [:)] And this is all before we hear whether He can have a transplant or not![8\|]

plantlady64 -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (10/10/2005 8:34:14 AM)
Hello There, I first want to say for all of those who have disabling problems posted in here I'm praying for you guys, all of you. For you Rayne, I have permission to speak my mind to my Master even though I'm his full slave. When it comes to taking care of him or our 4 kids I speak my mind fully. I told him in the beginning I'd rather run the risk of making him mad and punishing me than to let him or the kids not take care of health issues. My Master agrees that taking care of all of us is my job. I honestly don't think I'll ever be punished for helping him remember to care for his health. Being his slave does not mean I must hold my tongue all the time especially when it comes to fulfilling my appointed duties. I think every relationship has up and down times. If you really love each other you can deal with anything life throws at you as long as you support each other. Good luck and be strong, sub suzanne

SweetDommes -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (10/10/2005 12:06:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rayne58 The testing has begun - on Monday He had His regular renal clinic checkup and a chest xray, yesterday a full body scan and next Monday a heart ultrasound. 10 days later it's an exercise test (again heart related) and then back to the renal clinic for another checkup and to hear whether the transplant is feasible and whether we need to go for more tests whew And even if He gets on the waiting list it could be a very long wait unless He gets a living donor - He has a sister but she lives in Canada, a long way from Australia. Still nothing ventured nothing gained I guess! [:)] Hey, I want to know why I wasn't informed of this! feigned indignation :-P I hope things go well, for both of you hugs and keep me updated dammit...

Rayne58 -> RE: Living with a Dom who has a chronic illness/disability (10/10/2005 5:53:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes Hey, I want to know why I wasn't informed of this! feigned indignation :-P I hope things go well, for both of you hugs and keep me updated dammit... Hi Miss Karen, thank you for the hugs they are much appreciated [:)] I promise to keep you updated in the future! Suzanne, Master's health comes first so I do speak my mind when it is necessary. We work together to try to find the best way of doing things, though I have learnt not to ask Him things like "Do you want to do a blood sugar test now?" because the answer (jokingly) is always "NO" [:D] Instead I put it as a statement, "Time for a blood sugar test" and then it's "OK if you must" [:D]

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