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RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:10:11 AM

wyldsubmissive

Posts: 157
Joined: 5/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: porthuronsub

I think you have to remember that she is human first, dominant second. Like others have said, maybe kissing just wasn't on her mind. maybe she just isn't a big kisser.
My suggestion is to ask her instead of your other friends or this forum. She is the only one who can give you the answer you are looking for.

I did. That isn't the question I'd like addressed in this thread. The question I wanted addressed is:

do you think dominants should really be that self aware that every action they take into consideration is um, filtered through their dom processors first?

I suppose I should change the title. Sorry.

(in reply to porthuronsub)

Post #: 21

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:16:02 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wyldsubmissive
Assumably (sp?) I can do that on these forums and get fairly intelligent feedback. This is what my dom/mentor is attempting to do for/with me.

Presumably.

Go, seek answers from all sources and then decide what works for you. But a supposition that a dom should have a specific level of self-awareness is simply false. It's also false that a dom should have a specific level of self-awareness which is somewhat higher than a subs.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 22

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:20:54 AM

bellanotte

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Tornado Alley, USA
Status: offline

quote:

There is a row of 3 buttons of the right hand top side of a person post. The one that says "Quote" just needs clicked on and voila! Hope that helps.

yay! I learned my new tidbit for the day

To me those two answers are actually one and the same. But I guess they aren't upon further inspection. *shrugs*

Ahhhh I'm a language freak

... the subtleties of meaning can make or break a relationship sometimes. *gentle smile*

You mentioned that your Mentor has been trying to arrange the social interactions you've wished for awhile; that sounds very promising :) I know it's tempting to try to use other people as sounding boards... but if you look at it another way, sounding board is in one respect primarily what a Mentor is... a Teacher/SoundingBoard/Friend.... I've found my mentors to be open to a variety of questions that I couldn't approach most people with *smiles gently.*

(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 23

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:22:33 AM

bellanotte

Posts: 125
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From: Tornado Alley, USA
Status: offline

ahhhhh taht second quote didn't work *pouts*

(in reply to bellanotte)

Post #: 24

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:22:37 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wyldsubmissive

So, my question: do you think dominants should really be that self aware that every action they take into consideration is um, filtered through their dom processors first?

No. In fact, I feel its an impossible ideal and if your Dom friend thinks he's doing it, he's in denial.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 25

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:28:52 AM

MissyRane

Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wyldsubmissive

So, my question: do you think dominants should really be that self aware that every action they take into consideration is um, filtered through their dom processors first?

I think it simply is stupid to expect a dominant to do that.

(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 26

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:33:39 AM

wyldsubmissive

Posts: 157
Joined: 5/7/2005
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To answer my own question, I think a dominant should have that focus during a scene. Anything else just takes too much energy.

It's also amusing to listen to everyone poke holes in my ex-Doms thought. *snicker*

(in reply to MissyRane)

Post #: 27

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:37:02 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wyldsubmissive
To answer my own question, I think a dominant should have that focus during a scene. Anything else just takes too much energy.

It's also amusing to listen to everyone poke holes in my ex-Doms thought. *snicker*

Interesting, in a scene is one of the few times I'm NOT in "introspective" mode. It's part of why I like it. I get to just be IN the experience, go with the energy, NOT care why or what- just BE, just DO.

Afterwards is where the introspection/figuring it out comes in.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 28

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:38:57 AM

bellanotte

Posts: 125
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From: Tornado Alley, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wyldsubmissive

To answer my own question, I think a dominant should have that focus during a scene. Anything else just takes too much energy.

It's also amusing to listen to everyone poke holes in my ex-Doms thought. *snicker*

Ah but you did not ask about scening, only about self-awareness in general. If you are going to snicker about the answers in general, please be more specific about your question.

What -exactly- are you asking?

(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 29

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:40:55 AM

Missokyst

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Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Nope, I don't think being dom makes them any more self aware than the rest of us.
Heck, I know the underlying reason for most things I do, and I am not a dominant.
I think your friend is blowing smoke up your fanny.
Perhaps she didn't feel like kissing you. She doesn't need to analyse that. It happens or it doesn't.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 30

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:41:37 AM

wyldsubmissive

Posts: 157
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bellanotte

quote:

ORIGINAL: wyldsubmissive

To answer my own question, I think a dominant should have that focus during a scene. Anything else just takes too much energy.

It's also amusing to listen to everyone poke holes in my ex-Doms thought. *snicker*

Ah but you did not ask about scening, only about self-awareness in general. If you are going to snicker about the answers in general, please be more specific about your question.

What -exactly- are you asking?

I'm snickering because this was a thought put forth by my ex-Dom who thinks very highly of himself, and most people disagree with his opinion.

How is my question not clear? Do you, the general collarme forum, believe that dominants should weigh every action they take?

That's all I'm asking. I've even clarified it for better understanding.

(in reply to bellanotte)

Post #: 31

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:42:51 AM

bellanotte

Posts: 125
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From: Tornado Alley, USA
Status: offline

*chuckles and salutes*
well-said....

at any rate... I am about 10 min late for an appointment.... have fun with the discussion.....

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 32

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:45:23 AM

wyldsubmissive

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Joined: 5/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bellanotte

*chuckles and salutes*
well-said....

at any rate... I am about 10 min late for an appointment.... have fun with the discussion.....

*pouts* No about face?

But I wanted to watch you walk away.

Have fun at your appointment, even if it isn't normally.

(in reply to bellanotte)

Post #: 33

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 10:49:54 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wyldsubmissive
How is my question not clear? Do you, the general collarme forum, believe that dominants should weigh every action they take?

No.

Not only do I think it's not necessary, I think it would be ridiculous and insane to try.

I also think it's silly to try and set that standard for doms vs non-doms.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 34

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 11:06:13 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wyldsubmissive
Do you, the general collarme forum, believe that dominants should weigh every action they take?

I think it's best if actions which may result in serious consequences are seriously analyzed. Not every action (putting on socks is an action after all) is going to result in serious consequences and don't need much, if any, thought.

On mentoring: I mentor other people on occasion and not only would it never occur to me to kiss someone I was mentoring, if I thought they even wanted me to, I'd stop mentoring them.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 35

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 11:42:12 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
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Okay, your first question revolves around her years of experience as a Domme. Certainly years of experience does contribute to a Domme's repertoire. But what I think subs fail to remember. to their hurt, is even if the Domme has 15 years experience, she only has 3 weekends experience with you. Any Domme/sub relationship is going to require time to grow, there is no shortcut.

Also as SimplyMichael said, experience does not equal level of self-awareness. Self-awareness may not be a big part of her style; it is not a prerequisite to being a good Domme.

As to your second question, "do you think dominants should really be that self aware that every action they take into consideration is um, filtered through their dom processors first?"

Self-awareness is a skill like any other. Some people are born naturally good at some things, others are terrible and have to work very hard to learn the same skill. I do think that very self-aware Doms/Dommes do make better teachers, and are better overall for subs. I was born with the talent, plus have honed it with almost 20 years experience in two totally unrelated fields, my fetish experiences and my years of being a yoga instructor. I have learned to read people very well, and to read my slave as if I were a mind reader (never ceases to shock her, heh-heh).

So, for me, almost everything I do with my slave is filtered through my self-awareness of who she is and where she is in relation to whatever we are doing. Because of the self-awareness of myself, I don't do anything without a reason. Not that it is all on a conscious level. Very often I find myself going in a different direction than the one I had planned. I have learned to trust my instincts and go with what feels right when I'm there in the moment. I have no idea how common that level of self-awareness is in Doms/Dommes, but I must clarify again, it is not critical to being a good one.

I have seen Doms/Dommes do some awesome things with subs simply by being hyper aware of how the sub is reacting, for example. They follow every little body movement, facial expression and play that sub like a fine instrument. No self-awareness required!

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 36

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 11:45:11 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

do you think dominants should really be that self aware that every action they take into consideration is um, filtered through their dom processors first?

This is a question of context. I cannot, would not, and should not attempt to consider every possible ramification my words, actions, thoughts, and deeds will have on my submissive. If I played chess this way, I would need two hours per move to analyze seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven moves ahead. Life doesn't wait that long.

Having said that, there are times when this sort of focus is absolutely necessary; when we are having an intimate emotional conversation, when in the middle of a scene, or when making decisions about a new job opportunity. But in day to day actions, I cannot expect my slave to focus 100% of her time and effort into my happiness (contrary to popular belief.) She must make basic snap decisions every day; what brand of flour she buys isn't likely to have a huge impact on my personal happiness, thus she needn't give it much thought.

As to your other issue, regarding the kissing, as mentioned it's wise to consider that BDSM relationships aren't automatically romantic relationships. If you have the hots for her, that's great; but she needs to have the hots for you, before she's going to kiss you. Maybe she's not considered kissing you yet because she doesn't want to seem to be taking advantage of the mentoring authority; same reason a teacher wouldn't/shouldn't kiss a student. Maybe she isn't interested in you romantically. These are issues you should discuss with her.

Good luck,

Stephan

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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 37

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 12:23:19 PM

CreativeDominant

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Personally, I think that the level of self-awareness varies from one dominant to another, just as it does from one submissive to another. There are dominants who know and understand the consequences/results of every single one of their actions with every single person they know...and there are dominants who are not. Given the wide vagaries of human nature, for a dominant to be able to predict what will happen if he/she does or does not do something...particularly something with little likelihood to result in serious emotional/physical injury...with someone that they have only been involved with for a short while is expecting a lot.

And...there is the whole mentoring issue. I've stated on here before that I am not real fond of those mentoring relationships in which the submissive winds up submitting to their "teacher". However, you seem to be quite aware that this is what you are seeking...to not only learn from this experienced femdominant but also to play with her. She, on the other hand, may have been thinking along an entirely different path.

So sit down and communicate with her. Clear up what exactly your relationship is going to be...dom/mentor, mentor only, dom/romantic partner/mentor...but be clear with each other. And don't expect her to be aware of all results of all her actions, especially the more nuances that are attached to those actions. Even someone who is really self-aware cannot be expected to be that way 100% of the time.

(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 38

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 5:37:41 PM

MasterDoukyou

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Joined: 10/11/2004
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It is all a simple matter of perspective, I actually think about all this stuff and she doesn't. It doesn't make her a bad domme, just a different style. That doesn’t mean it doesn't irk me that she doesn't think about it. My style is about attention to detail, then manipulating the situation with that detail (damn that sounds machiavellian). When I observe a sub, I see their every move, hear every syllable that comes out of their mouth, feel how they hold themselves, it is an understanding of the whole situation. I have always seen "though" people on a lot of different levels, not because I am super human, just because I can observe behavioral patterns, put it all together quickly and make it useful. This is not a common talent in the scene, but some doms do possess extraordinary observation skills. Further some possess extraordinary self-awareness. Control comes from within not from with out. So I am also aware of what I do to influence those behaviors and control them. They are both talents I have that wyld could attest too. Any one can pick up a whip and say "ROAR!!! I am dominant hear me order you to your knees!", but very few can control a situation with just a movement of their hand on a table or a change in body posture. Subtlety is not something commonly taught or easily learned. She works more on the generals from a perspective of not needing to know the specifics, In any given populace you will get the same response from certain groups with specific needs and desires, and that style works well on the vast majority of subs. That style is just the polar opposite of mine. It is like comparing a broad sword with a katana, they can both cut you to pieces but the broadsword cleaves while the katana slices. Thus, the irkitude on my part.

_____________________________

Very amused,

Master Doukyou

(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 39

RE: Kissing question, kind've. - 2/19/2007 5:45:38 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wyldsubmissive

How is my question not clear? Do you, the general collarme forum, believe that dominants should weigh every action they take?

That's all I'm asking. I've even clarified it for better understanding.

I hate the word should.

Yes, no, maybe.

I am not sure how to answer it. I generally do. But then I also generally have the idea that I am not weighing things in enough detail or researched enough to have clear certainty about the answers.

But I learned long ago to just "act as if" I know what I am doing.

Going back to what LuckyAlbatross posted, one thing that started to happen when I did a lot of multiple opponent sparring was all sorts of adrenalin responses, most significantly tachypsychia and (forget the term for it) a sense of being disconnected and the observer of my actions, as opposed to the subject.

This started to blur over into real life, and one of the things I enjoy about scening is that it is a situation where I can let conscious thought dissipate and simply experience and observe. It is a wonderful feeling.

Sinergy

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(in reply to wyldsubmissive)

Post #: 40

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