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RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 7:31:21 AM   
aSlavesLife


Posts: 347
Joined: 12/1/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

Have you ever gotten into a car with someone you barely know? I consider that putting my life in their hands...it's all in your perspective. We turn things into WIITWD topics, but these are the same risks and rewards that we run into on a day to day basis.
 
For me...it's about stability and the way that a person articulates themself with words and deeds. Trust does find it's way in time, but time doesn't mean that a person is trustworthy. I've known my brother all of my life and I still won't let him drive. Good intentions do not always equal fair acts. That's the bottom line.
 
There is no way to know for sure. There is no set of rules or guidelines. People are people and mistakes are mistakes...so are liars and abusers. Life lessons and experience should teach people all that they need to know.
 
Advice is great, but it's much easier to give than to follow.


Bless you for having the guts to brave the ranks of safety Nazis and state the obvious! I have seen surveys that show that over 50% of physicians have been sued for malpractice during the course of their practice. Since their insurance covers these litigations, their patients are seldom the wiser. Doctors are highly trained and strictly regulated, and yet some are still incompetent. But lets just suppose that the physician is good at what he or she does. You aren't safe yet. The pharmacist that fills your prescription might still kill you. Take for instance the K-Mart pharmacy that mis-filled and mislabeled Coumadin bottles back in 1995 that resulted in the death of at least one man. Of course your taxi driver might kill you or a pedestrian en route to the pharmacy. Just look up the video for taxi accident on video-shock for an example of that. But lets just suppose that you survive the trip to the doctor, the ride to the pharmacy, and the pharmacist. Now hop on a plane to visit your aunt in Florida. Oh dear, but have you googled ' drunk airline pilots ' recently?

The streets aren't safe, the sky isn't safe, the sawbone isn't safe, and the legal pill pusher isn't safe. But golly gee, you trust your life in their hands every day! Yet in BDSM all you hear is ' red flag ' and  " X isn't a REAL dominant, because REAL dominants adhere to MY unproven, inadequate safety protocol. ". I am amazed that any newbie that reads these boards EVER dips their toes in the water. If you listen to the Mein BDSM Kamph doctrine, you are probably too frightened to even speak to a police officer on the street because of those deadly handcuffs he wears on his belt.

The safety mantras do little to protect people. We hear the same stories every time we turn around about how someone met a guy at a munch or club. The guy was well known there, well liked, but abused the person that met him. And these people STILL tell you that joining your local community is the best thing to do! " Yeah, I know this guy that stuck a pistol to his forehead and pulled the trigger. He died. But I still think that it would be in your best interest to stick a gun to your forehead and pull the trigger. Why? Why because I was taught the mantra of it by a bunch of people that tell me how much safer I will be by doing it, of course! ". Circular reasoning at its worst.

Get real! All the chants, mantras, and mumbled incantations of the safety Nazis will not protect you. All they will do is terrify you to the point that you turn away from the lifestyle entirely. Use your head for something other than a hat rack for a minute and think. That spark of common sense will cover your ass better than 10,000 voices chanting Red Flag ever will.

Now to end this on a less bitter note, these people really are trying to help. And to a degree the advice they give is sound. They are good people that are unfortunately convinced that the faulty tradition they were taught is etched in stone. I respect their efforts even while holding their system in contempt. Just try to take the parts that work, discard the parts that really make no sense, and you should be safe from the paranoia that infests the etched in stone congregation. You should be careful, selective, and cautious. You are after all considering placing yourself in a situation which will limit your ability to protect yourself. Take the precautions that you use in everyday life, bump it up a couple of notches, and you will be safer practicing BDSM than you are in your doctors waiting room.

_____________________________

It takes a village to raise an idiot.

(in reply to spanklette)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 7:34:14 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Time and experience together.

The very dark side of subfrenzy is that a new sub gets all excited and twitterpated about "all this" and runs headlong into the first casanova they run into and commits to that person.

A few months later, things get real, get ugly, and the sub has to come to the harsh realization that they had no clue what they were really making a commitment towards and that their perceptions were really off the mark.

But now they've trapped themselves into a commitment as a sub and feel they need to be true to that so they don't give up their precious sub star.  Often what they do is try and either find a white knight to rescue them (which just repeats the pattern) or gets a lot of cyber people to put down the dom so they can feel justified in ending it.

It's really hard to watch.  But nothing you can do.  Once they get started down that path, I've never seen someone be able to intercede.

I think it's funny how often people talk about SCENES being what puts your life in their hands.  I think getting into a car with someone is a lot more dangerous than 95% of the scenes people engage in.  The dom puts his life in the slaves hands when he eats her food, or hopes that she won't cry rape/abuse the next day. 

And it all comes back down to time and experience together.  I don't prove myself- I let time and experience prove it to them.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 7:46:56 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I really appreciate the responses (P.S. to Lucky Albatross: I am sorry I lost my temper last night at you. It was not justified. You do so much as far as helping people on these boards, and it is really appreciated, by myself and so many others. I hope you can forgive me - I really didn't mean it).

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 7:54:12 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I really appreciate the responses (P.S. to Lucky Albatross: I am sorry I lost my temper last night at you. It was not justified. You do so much as far as helping people on these boards, and it is really appreciated, by myself and so many others. I hope you can forgive me - I really didn't mean it).

- Susan

Would you lose your temper again if I pointed out the irony of you apologizing for losing your temper in response to my suggesting that you think twice before making your posts?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 7:54:32 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		twitterpated, is that the technical term, LA???

aSlavesLife, interesting rant. I have been in many discussions about the safety Nazis. It is a really poor choice of terms. Yes, many people are trained, and/or learn to make the D/s experience as safe as possible. Maybe some sermonize too much, maybe not. But Nazis? Seems a bit extreme to me.

Your argument that one is never really safe in life is true, but besides the point. Yes you are probably far less safe driving a car than with a typical D/s relationship. Just because the streets aren't safe doens't mean you don't have your own responsibility to drive safely. This is the analogy you are making to D/s. Since safety can't be guaranteed, you might as well just ignore the safety issue.

But at the end of your post, you advise "Take the precautions that you use in everyday life, bump it up a couple of notches, and you will be safer practicing BDSM than you are in your doctors waiting room." Is that so different advise from those you call safety Nazis?

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 8:08:38 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Bless you for having the guts to brave the ranks of safety Nazis and state the obvious!


You know I do not think I have ever addressed how you treat your slave. I have read your profile and found it slightly interesting, but your attitude toward people who prize being as safe as possible is sort of perplexing.

If your slave consents to being put in dangerous situations that most of us would find questionable in our own lives.. well that is her choice, she consented, and personally I do not give a rat's ass as long as everyone consents. I am not a nazi because I think that people should have informed consent of what will be required of them as a submissive/slave. If  some dominant was courting me and said "I will tie you up while I work all day and leave you alone", well I would know that he was not for me.

I am not into the acronyms of RACK or SSC to describe the world. One person's SSC is another person's edge. I will say though that you seem to bash people far more than I have ever seen them bash you. You are extremely combative, judgmental, you generalize quite a bit, and frankly if you are so secure with what you do I wonder why our opinions matter a whit. You are in our faces, daring us to judge you... when in fact perhaps a handful of contributors on this board even have paid attention to how "extreme" you are.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to aSlavesLife)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 8:11:35 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		LA: No, I wouldn't. Hehe.

In reference to the topic in general, I know people who don't put a lot of stock in using intuition, or "gut instincts", (although many do I guess) but I actually do put a lot of stock in intuition - but of course not to the exclusion of every other practical safety measure one could use (for instance, the ones pointed out by Mercnbeth).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/21/2007 8:15:49 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 8:17:48 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I knew I would be saying this soon….what LA said. There is no way to know without getting to know someone just as you have always done. Don’t put mystical meanings into a D/s, BDSM or whatever you do. We are all people who have to get to know each other.

Some new sub posted once about all the Dom attention she received and commented that she got so much more attention than she did in her vanilla life. She was obviously giddy and so happy to be here. Well, the realization has probably hit her by now. She is going to have the same type relationship problems and so on that she has always had. If she was unhappy before, I suspect she is unhappy now.

Use the same reasoning you have always used and stay away from the fantasy of being able to know a safe Dom by this and that. Even with casual play, there is a very good reason for the first meeting to be only a social one. You need to learn about each other for the safety of both of you.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 8:19:13 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		ExSteel: That is excellent advice, and I will follow it. Thank you.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 8:21:25 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		SusanofO:
quote:

I'd appreciate some answers from Dominants here, as far as what they do to suggest or indicate trustworthiness to a prospective submissive?


I agree with what a lot have already suggested, especially taking the time to get to know someone. I would add only one extremely important caveat. You need to be meeting them and learning about each other IN PERSON.

What do Dom's do to earn trust? Well, since my situation is a bit unusual, let me describe it. I was corresponding with a prospective sub whoe was interested in me. Now I am married, and state this in my profile. She wanted to believe that my wife really was comfortable with my having a slave. But what really cinched it for her was when we were talking on the phone one night, and my wife came home. She could tell from the noises and our greeting each other who it was.

Here I was talking to her. Wife walks in the house, I don't suddenly change my tone, or have to quickly hang up. It's obvious from the conversation that I am talking to that potential sub I was telling my wife about. No discomfort on anyone's part. It made more of an impression on her than anything I could have said or done.

By the time we were ready to meet, she was comfortable enough with me that she didn't feel the need for a safe call. I made her set one up anyway and follow through. That extra concern for her safety, even if she didn't feel she needed it, made a big impression as well.

Bottom line, actions do speak louder than words. Showing and proving a true concern for the subs well being also builds trust. Finally, being who you are, and being able to show you are completely comfortable being who you are is a powerful contributing factor.

This last one is where I think a lot of Doms lose it. They may not be as experienced as they would like. They may not be as dominant as they would prefer. They may not be willing to put in the time and energy that a sub needs for a longterm relationship. If these are areas a Dom is weak, pretending he isn't is not a smart choice. They may bamboozle the sub at first, but their true personality will come through fairly quickly. Be comfortable with who you are, and where you are.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 8:28:55 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		SirDominic: That is a very reassuring answer, thanks for the reply.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 8:35:37 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Unfortunately, beyond an initial period where you use your own good judgement, the only way to find out if a person is trustworthy...is to extend trust. Deep trust is built on the perpetual testing of another's actions. We have to watch and evaluate. Sometimes, the only way to do that is to say, "Ok, I'm going to trust you to do X in a way that doesn't harm me."

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 8:42:44 AM   
aSlavesLife


Posts: 347
Joined: 12/1/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

Bless you for having the guts to brave the ranks of safety Nazis and state the obvious!


You know I do not think I have ever addressed how you treat your slave. I have read your profile and found it slightly interesting, but your attitude toward people who prize being as safe as possible is sort of perplexing.

Safe stops being safe when it becomes paranoia. Do you personally screen your physician? Take him out to lunch a few times to get a better feel for him? I am saying that people take a very relaxed stance when it comes to potential dangers, but become obsessively paranoid when it comes to BDSM. If these people are really concerend about safety, why aren't they letting the position overflow into the rest of their lives? That is why I say it is dogma. It does reach a point of becoming ridiculous, and scaring people off.

If your slave consents to being put in dangerous situations that most of us would find questionable in our own lives.. well that is her choice, she consented, and personally I do not give a rat's ass as long as everyone consents.

Has anything in the profile indicated unsafe or dangerous situations?

I am not a nazi because I think that people should have informed consent of what will be required of them as a submissive/slave. If  some dominant was courting me and said "I will tie you up while I work all day and leave you alone", well I would know that he was not for me.

And if he explained how it could be done safely, would you consider it? If so, wonderful. But I have ran into more than a handful that are irrationally convinced that it is absolutely unsafe, and no amount of extrapolation as to how it can be safe will sway their narrow minds. That is the dogma that safety nazis exibit.

I am not into the acronyms of RACK or SSC to describe the world. One person's SSC is another person's edge. I will say though that you seem to bash people far more than I have ever seen them bash you.

Would you care for a sample of some of the unsolicited mail we get? It might change your mind about the bashing.


You are extremely combative, judgmental, you generalize quite a bit, and frankly if you are so secure with what you do I wonder why our opinions matter a whit.

I am? Holy shit! Imagine that! I've became infected with the same attributes as the safety nazis themselves! I guess that intolerance really does breed intolerance. But then again, why are YOU so venemous about this subject? Doesn't it suggest insecurity on your part?

You are in our faces, daring us to judge you... when in fact perhaps a handful of contributors on this board even have paid attention to how "extreme" you are.

And the little brownshirts are not in everyones face? They are not condemning anyone and everyone that has the guts to point out the holes in their simple little safety nets? They don't ignore people that try to offer alternatives and suggest reforms that would lead to more adequate safety mechanisms? Puh-lease! Already with this matter ( on 2 threads ) I have Michael posturing and trying to wax superior and you puffing up and getting all bent out of shape just by my daring to suggest that the safety protocol preached on CM is silly and problematic. And this AFTER I said that I think these people are doing good but are simply misguided. Imagine the shockwaves should I have excluded that. I would love to see safety suggestions that really add to the safety of the individual. But what I see most of are the same suggestions that have already proven to be ineffective. I see the same suggestions and the same failures, sometimes in the same sentence. Is not a definition of insanity doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results?



_____________________________

It takes a village to raise an idiot.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 8:43:53 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Susan, I like the way you see all or our points and you help me learn about the mindset of new subs, too. But, you are coming near the danger signs that we all know about.

I drove an hour to another city to meet a woman for casual sex after chatting online (which I am very good at, like many other good and bad Doms) and after the sex, asked her if she wanted me to teach her about flogging since I happened to have the toy bag in my truck. She was not into bdsm, but agreed since we had great sex and she was comfortable with me and so on.

Well, after about 15 minutes, she spaces beautifully, wonders what the fuck has happened and hangs on for dear life as she comes out of it. Later, she emails and calls me forever, begging to do it again, asks me a zillion questions about bdsm and starts to hang out in the AOL Submissives’ room.

The moral of this, is that I could have been a bad guy and could have hooked her right from the start. There are patterns to all this is what some of us are telling you. LA went into it in great detail, I think. You just have to know the person well.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 8:48:44 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I don't try to prove anything. I am just myself.

If someone is not comfortable with me as I am then I don't know what to tell them. They are asking for something more that does not exist.

It is necessary for me that both of us take the time to get to know one another as human beings rather than just the BDSM facet of who we are. In fact I veer away from that sort of discussion in the early part of communication on purpose. Not only does it do a good job of weeding out the wankers it also seems to do a good job of allowing the ones that are really interested to trust me.

I also have a weird approach to beginning contact. I try not to view them as potential partners right away. At first it is as potential aquaintanances, then potential friends, and THEN if it gets to the point......potential partner.

Sometimes I wonder if my lack of pushing has run off any potential partner but it's my way.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 9:01:36 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well yes, I do think time is a good factor, as well as noting inconsistent behavior, and also checking references (although I am never really sure how much references are really worth) - I mean, even for a job interview, I can't recall ever giving a potential employer references from some employer who fired me, for example. It's just such a subjective judgment to make about someone. Still, I suppose it could let you know if someone was truly dangerous, maybe. But, people have been known to slander others for thier own reasons, too. 

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 9:06:18 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Has anything in the profile indicated unsafe or dangerous situations?


You have repeatedly lambasted those who do not approve of restraining people that are left alone, and other activities.

quote:

And if he explained how it could be done safely, would you consider it? If so, wonderful. But I have ran into more than a handful that are irrationally convinced that it is absolutely unsafe, and no amount of extrapolation as to how it can be safe will sway their narrow minds. That is the dogma that safety nazis exibit.



Why should I consider it? Why does it make me a "nazi" to say I do not feel safe and it is not acceptable to tie me up all day alone? I have read your profile and the saftey mechanisms that you sugggest, and to be frank with you it would not work for me. My Daddy has better things to do with me than that anyways (our opinion). Why does it matter that you cannot sway others from their opinions? I have a lot of opinions I will not be swayed from, that does not make me a Nazi.. I will reiterate, everyone in your house "consents", I could give a rat's ass.... and I doubt that those who you are trying to sway really care either.

quote:

Would you care for a sample of some of the unsolicited mail we get? It might change your mind about the bashing.



I am not interested in your private correspondence. I have gotten emails about how perverted and sick I am because I have a Daddy. Did you know that women like me cause child abuse? I rarely mention it on the boards and I do not have a chip on my shoulder about it, and I really do not care what others think. I wonder why the chip on the shoulder with all of us because some jackass emailed you.

quote:

I am? Holy shit! Imagine that! I've became infected with the same attributes as the safety nazis themselves! I guess that intolerance really does breed intolerance. But then again, why are YOU so venemous about this subject? Doesn't it suggest insecurity on your part?



I do not like the word "nazi" thrown out there because someone disagrees with another person... it is something that I find rather "much". I have no venom toward you, I just read two posts from you back to back that were highly combative and painted most of this forum with the same brush.. and no one had said anything to you about you.

quote:

And the little brownshirts are not in everyones face?


What brownshirts?

quote:

And the little brownshirts are not in everyones face? They are not condemning anyone and everyone that has the guts to point out the holes in their simple little safety nets? They don't ignore people that try to offer alternatives and suggest reforms that would lead to more adequate safety mechanisms? Puh-lease! Already with this matter ( on 2 threads ) I have Michael posturing and trying to wax superior and you puffing up and getting all bent out of shape just by my daring to suggest that the safety protocol preached on CM is silly and problematic. And this AFTER I said that I think these people are doing good but are simply misguided. Imagine the shockwaves should I have excluded that. I would love to see safety suggestions that really add to the safety of the individual. But what I see most of are the same suggestions that have already proven to be ineffective. I see the same suggestions and the same failures, sometimes in the same sentence. Is not a definition of insanity doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results?




Why does it bother you so much that people set up measures to try to be safe? I do not get you at all.. it is just weird. It seems you have the problem with people that want to be safe, not the other way around. Why does it matter a hill of beans to you that others set up measures for saftey... and btw, as long as they have not killed anyone, I do not possibly see why you feel the need to shoot them down. Like I said, you are the one that is trying to dictate to others how they should play, not the other way around from what I have seen.

Play anyway you like with your consenting property.



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to aSlavesLife)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 9:10:31 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		To me there are two different types of trust and how much to rely on them. One is the trust you develop from the words, actions and instincts you have in order to go forward with a person in this life we do. The other trust, and to me the critical one, is a trust built up over time from the other person’s actions from all parts of their life and interaction with you. It is this trust that has to be established to make that leap of faith.

For me this level of trust is like what Mercnbeth mentioned. It is how they treat other people, are they reckless in other parts of their life and things of that nature. Most people are not dishonest or untrustworthy at work but pillars of class with friends, if they are dishonest, dangerous and untrustworthy in one area they are probably the same in all areas.

For me it is critical that the other person acknowledges trust is a big issue and is aware of the necessity to build it and not try to rush through the stages. There is a difference when getting to know/fall for someone on the types of power getting exchanged and things done. Depends on the people obviously but for me I have more trust for a person who builds up things from safe and simple to the more edge things. A person that brings up issues and expectations, it is that feeling of that they want the big picture and not just lusting after the next scene that is important to me when trust is being established.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 9:11:58 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		When I initially started this thread, I was thinking about the thread in the "Ask a Master" section about a guy who'd put a girl in bondage and left the house for the evening, and there were burning candles in the house that were left burning after he left - and also a live, large uncaged bird apparently flying around, that could have knocked over the burning candles. When she asked him about this danger he'd left her in later after he returned, he apparently simply told her: "Don't ask questions."

That thread situation initially posed has since turned out to be somewhat un-true, but still this problem exists. I can't imagine being expected to trust someone who'd leave me in that situation, much less be yelled for it for supposedly not being "submissive enough" if I bothered to mention their lack of concern for my welfare.

Yet, there are apparently more than a few Dominants who do these kinds of things, and expect the submissive to just say nothing. I think that's amazing, because personally, I think I'd leave (but that's me, and not everyone shares my POV).

I also realize there are responsible and caring Dominants out there (in case anyone is wondering if I think this).
- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/21/2007 9:20:49 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your l... - 2/21/2007 9:22:25 AM   
aSlavesLife


Posts: 347
Joined: 12/1/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic



But at the end of your post, you advise "Take the precautions that you use in everyday life, bump it up a couple of notches, and you will be safer practicing BDSM than you are in your doctors waiting room." Is that so different advise from those you call safety Nazis?

Namaste, Sir Dominic


Hello Dominic.

The safety Nazi term I can't credit with coining, but know that it started as a play on Seinfield's  Soup Nazi episode. It isn't meant to be offensive so much as comical due to the militant nature of the people involved. As for it being different, I think that it is. Taking slightly higher than normal precautions is a far cry from making 4 safe calls an hour, demanding multiple references, and refusing to believe that someting isn't safe soley on the grounds that you have been taught that it is never safe.

If you care for an example of the mindframe I am talking about, look at caging while the dom/master is away. It is adamantly insisted that this is NEVER safe. If you offer a method of making it safe, you are ridiculed and called a poor and unsafe master. The people do not weigh the merits of the counter, but recite a mantra that is ingrained in them. To them it is unsafe because everyone says it is unsafe. Subscribe to that belief or face ostracism. This line of thinking does not make room for renovation. It allows for no improvement. It is constrained by its own circular reasoning and is therefore subject to failure because the proponents reject any possibility of loosening those constraints. The end result is that any entrepreneur in the realm of BDSM is systematically bashed to silence by the very people that claim to be wanting to make things safer. They defend their stance with a fierceness and unwavering irrationality that is normally exibited in religious and political organizations, which is why they are often compared to Nazi's ( National Socalists not really being such an ugly word ) and zealots. These people, people that honestly do want to make things safer, actually throw roadblocks before anyone that does not march to their tune. They actually hinder the means of making people safer in their zeal to make people safer because they adhere to their ways in a quasi-religious, emotion driven manner rather than a rational, inquisitive one.

_____________________________

It takes a village to raise an idiot.

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 40
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