From: Davis, Ca
Dropping the "he" and "she" now. It's a hassle, but I wanted to make the situation clear before I made it personal.
what you are discribing is really more on the line of wife swapping then a poly relationship.
But if any relationship is to succeed there has to be fluid understanding and acceptance of
all things together. A house divided no matter what way falls.
No, it's not. We started out as mutually enjoyable play partners...swinging, if you will..but stepped it up to a four-member, poly relationship. Not a swapping or swinging one. I know there's a difference, and its' important to me.
"One of the important things to remember is that she has to let him be who he is as much as he let her explore. I of course recommend reading The Ethical Slut as well. It really depends on how deeply seated this need of hers to now be monogamous is. If she is secure in the relationship, but can allow him to have his own relationships, that might work out well. But if she simply knows she needs monogamy, then you're right back to all those other situations which always were monogamous. "
I'm not sure -what- he needs, truth to tell. We've talked it to death and I'm still not clear. He's not demanding monogamy, in fact, he's said it's alright if I go over and play with them without him. That doesn't work for me. We went into this as a couple trying to find another couple to bond with and relate to. I have -no- desire to do this on my own. As I told him, I'd give up anyone he asked me to give up in a heartbeat, and, without rancor, will give up anyone he indicates he doesn't like as well...I just don't like being confused.
I guess my questions are about -why- his mind changed. I could stop being sexual with these people in a minute. They're very good friends, and he's more than ok with staying friends with them, he just prefers no sexual contact on his part. He's said that it's ok for me, but it's not, for me, without him. (Isn't as scary as it sounds, really.) I guess I just don't understand what happened.
The first few times we were involved with them after we made our relationship more "official" he was fine, and had a good time. The last one...he was so unahppy I manufactured an 'illness' so I could get him to admit he was ready to leave.
(There's also the element of our the power dynamic. I -need- to do what he wants and what will make him happiest, not because he demands it, but because that is how we are trying to make our relationship work.)
I thought I prefered monogamy. I've found I'm more than ok with polyamory and swinging both, and enjoy them both, surprising. I guess the opposite is true for him, I just wish someone could give me insight as to -why-
Too, I don't know what to tell them. I don't want to say "He doesn't like being sexual with you" because that blames him. I don't want to say "we aren't interested" because that's a lie that makes me sad...I wish I could just pawn this off on him, but I can't. I'm sorry for being rant-y but I'm confused and a tad bit hurt. Truly, I just want him, but since other people are invovled, like it or not, we have to deal with that.
Emerald, thank you lots for your post. Gave me some stuff to think about, but I'm not entirley sure how to apply it all.
(edited for a stupid sentence.)
< Message edited by perverseangelic -- 3/18/2005 10:11:45 PM >
~in the begining it is always dark~