What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the initiating partner changes mind.

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the initiating partner changes mind.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the initiating partner changes mind.

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the ini... - 3/18/2005 10:43:17 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

Ok, I have a question that almost the reverse of Emeralds.

Imagine a situation--
two people are in a primary relationship. One person "A" admits to the other person "B" that she'd like to try play with others, possibly exploring a poly relationship. B is a bit upset, a bit confused, doesn't really like this idea. However, B thinks about it and comes to the conclution that he can at least give it a try.

A and B go out and meet people. Find another couple they like. They enjoy each other and start a relationship.

B is very comfortable with this and enjoying it greatly, because he's realized that A still loves him best and that she can play with others and still love him.

HOWEVER. A decides that this isn't really what she wants, and that she's not interested in the relationships (with the others) any longer.

My question?
How does B deal with this? I mean, of course he'd have open communication and be ready/willing to end the other relationship, but how does one deal with the confusion?

Can someone explain why a person in A's situation might change his/her mind?

For that matter, how could one go about explaining the change to the other couple?

Your opinions? Something?

Please advise.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the... - 3/18/2005 11:02:02 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic
My question?
How does B deal with this? I mean, of course he'd have open communication and be ready/willing to end the other relationship, but how does one deal with the confusion?

Interestingly enough, this is almost the exact situation that a sub I am dating is experiencing with his primary partner. She was the one who introduced him to poly, she wanted him to get into it and they explored together. I connected with them, gave them their first real exposure and "mentoring" to poly. Now he's loving it and finding good partners and she's very insecure and upset about the whole thing. Her version of the poly they envisioned (just fun friends and fuck/play buddies) is very different from the version he developed (friends and long term partners).

One of the important things to remember is that she has to let him be who he is as much as he let her explore. I of course recommend reading The Ethical Slut as well. It really depends on how deeply seated this need of hers to now be monogamous is. If she is secure in the relationship, but can allow him to have his own relationships, that might work out well. But if she simply knows she needs monogamy, then you're right back to all those other situations which always were monogamous.

How you get to this road isn't terribly important- it's the fact that needs and roads change and you have to figure out whether that road is something that will grow with you or whether it's simply not who you are. You can try and compromise with the other person, but limiting them will only end badly.

In my instance, the couples insecurities are beginning to take their toll. She refused to even have dinner with me when she was last in town, she is quickly trying to move in with him and establish being exclusive (at least to start) and instead of working with him to understand his needs, is letting her own chaos take over. It's very obvious to me that the wisest thing is to actually encourage him to be with others and support that endeavor as he is the type of person who will respond well to that and bring more to the table as a whole because of it. However, my role in this situation is no longer to mentor, but simply allow them to work things out on their own, being supportive of their choices and making sure they are looking at all angles and consequences.

Unfortunately this isn't like bowling where one person can make it a big hobby and the other person can just go off on their own for awhile (though that happens plenty in poly too). It's involving life relationships, feelings and commitments. As long as the lines of communication are open, you're ok.

It is my firm belief that not all relationships are meant to last forever and it's not necessarily a failure on anyone's part. If they explored and awoke parts of themselves which made it wrong to be together, it's better to move from that, rather than try and make eachother feel oppressed.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the... - 3/18/2005 6:32:04 PM

GingerleeDREAD

Posts: 103
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

what you are discribing is really more on the line of wife swapping then a poly relationship.
But if any relationship is to succeed there has to be fluid understanding and acceptance of
all things together. A house divided no matter what way falls.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the... - 3/18/2005 10:10:19 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

Dropping the "he" and "she" now. It's a hassle, but I wanted to make the situation clear before I made it personal.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GingerleeDREAD

what you are discribing is really more on the line of wife swapping then a poly relationship.
But if any relationship is to succeed there has to be fluid understanding and acceptance of
all things together. A house divided no matter what way falls.

No, it's not. We started out as mutually enjoyable play partners...swinging, if you will..but stepped it up to a four-member, poly relationship. Not a swapping or swinging one. I know there's a difference, and its' important to me.

quote:

EmeraldSlave
"One of the important things to remember is that she has to let him be who he is as much as he let her explore. I of course recommend reading The Ethical Slut as well. It really depends on how deeply seated this need of hers to now be monogamous is. If she is secure in the relationship, but can allow him to have his own relationships, that might work out well. But if she simply knows she needs monogamy, then you're right back to all those other situations which always were monogamous. "

I'm not sure -what- he needs, truth to tell. We've talked it to death and I'm still not clear. He's not demanding monogamy, in fact, he's said it's alright if I go over and play with them without him. That doesn't work for me. We went into this as a couple trying to find another couple to bond with and relate to. I have -no- desire to do this on my own. As I told him, I'd give up anyone he asked me to give up in a heartbeat, and, without rancor, will give up anyone he indicates he doesn't like as well...I just don't like being confused.

I guess my questions are about -why- his mind changed. I could stop being sexual with these people in a minute. They're very good friends, and he's more than ok with staying friends with them, he just prefers no sexual contact on his part. He's said that it's ok for me, but it's not, for me, without him. (Isn't as scary as it sounds, really.) I guess I just don't understand what happened.

The first few times we were involved with them after we made our relationship more "official" he was fine, and had a good time. The last one...he was so unahppy I manufactured an 'illness' so I could get him to admit he was ready to leave.

(There's also the element of our the power dynamic. I -need- to do what he wants and what will make him happiest, not because he demands it, but because that is how we are trying to make our relationship work.)

I thought I prefered monogamy. I've found I'm more than ok with polyamory and swinging both, and enjoy them both, surprising. I guess the opposite is true for him, I just wish someone could give me insight as to -why-

Too, I don't know what to tell them. I don't want to say "He doesn't like being sexual with you" because that blames him. I don't want to say "we aren't interested" because that's a lie that makes me sad...I wish I could just pawn this off on him, but I can't. I'm sorry for being rant-y but I'm confused and a tad bit hurt. Truly, I just want him, but since other people are invovled, like it or not, we have to deal with that.

Emerald, thank you lots for your post. Gave me some stuff to think about, but I'm not entirley sure how to apply it all.

(edited for a stupid sentence.)

< Message edited by perverseangelic -- 3/18/2005 10:11:45 PM >

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to GingerleeDREAD)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the... - 3/19/2005 8:31:01 AM

stormsfate

Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

I've been thinking a lot about your post and how to respond. I think that it is unfortunate that he did not discover his feelings before other people became involved, and possibly feelings were engaged, but it happens. All the talk and fantasizing in the world won't tell you what it will actually be like to see your SO with someone else or be with someone else in front of your SO until you have experienced it. Perhaps it is bringing up feelings inside himself that make him uncomfortable and having that type of relationship isn't important enough to him to try to work through them. Maybe he doesn't *want* to work through them. He tried it, found out what it was about, and discovered it wasn't for him.

I'm not seeing where you are so confused in that you both tried it (at whomever's instigation), one of you didn't care for it even if initially he thought he would. Surely there have been things that in thinking about seemed like they would be wonderful and yet when you tried it, it was far from what you thought it would be. (I personally hate the violet wand and most electrical play, but didn't kow this until I actually experienced it...lol).

I would be honest with the other couple without going into specifics and just explain to them that you have greatly enjoyed your time with them, but unfortunately due to personal issues do not feel in a position to continue with the physical aspect, but really want to maintain the friendship.

I wish you the best of luck in this, and am sorry things didn't work out like you had both envisioned.

best regards,
fate

_____________________________

Vision? What do you know about MY vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you! Now ask yourself, are you really ready to see that vision? [/size

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the... - 3/19/2005 8:54:06 AM

hrdrplz

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/18/2005
Status: offline

First of all it is important to determine whether its swapping that you are interested in or poly play or a polyamorous relationship. We find that for us that the old comment two's company three is a crowd rings true for us. We have a great relationship so our interest in others is strictly for play, however, swapping is a bit difficult as it tends to encourage a couple to play separately as it is hard enough to find a third person that works and almost never can we find a situation where all four are interested in each other - hence the tendency to "go off" separately with other acceptable partners. Because we value the strength that this type of play adds to our own relationship we play always together, and share ourselves with others, there by encouraging intimacy within our own relationship yet enjoying the newness and experience that others have to bring. For us, its all about respect, respect of our partner, respect of being able to play with others, and respect of everyone's likes and dislikes.
Hope that our opinion is helpful to some.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the... - 3/19/2005 1:19:46 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I agree with Fate. Who hasn't had a really hot fantasy/scene idea they thought would be great, and then experienced only to find out it was ok but nothing special? Sometimes we held our expectations too high and sometimes things just don't spark us like we thought they would.

It's frustrating yes, but I don't think there's much use in obsessing over WHY his attitude has changed. Why do I love to be tied up? Hell if I know. I can tell you all about what it does to me, what it evokes, what types I prefer, but lord knows why I love it to begin with.

Who knows? Maybe it's a case of finding the right person/couple, maybe it's a case of working a new compromise.

Go read the Ethical Slut.

(in reply to hrdrplz)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the... - 3/19/2005 2:34:14 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

My confusion, I think, stemmed from 3 things. The vehemence of his reactions on both sides (wanting to and not wanting to), his willingness for me to continue with them without him, and his lack of understanding of the fact that I don't -want- to continue without him.

Blah. Complication is no fun. Communication is good, but sometimes all the talking in theworld can't quite bridge the communication gap.

I -do- obsesses. It's one of those things I do 'cause I figure I screwed up somewhere, y'know?

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the... - 3/19/2005 3:06:06 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic
The vehemence of his reactions on both sides (wanting to and not wanting to),

He might be confused about that as well. But since he understands his feelings and you seem to want them to change, you're having a problem and he isn't.

quote:

his willingness for me to continue with them without him,

Why does this confuse you? He wants youto be happy, he knows this will make you happy. He sees no reason to keep you from something that makes you happy. The issue is more in you want him to do something specific in order for you to be happy. This is fine, but it's nothing to be confused over.

quote:

and his lack of understanding of the fact that I don't -want- to continue without him.

I don't think he doesn't understand it, he's just not going to lie to you and do something that doesn't feel true to him because of it. Let's stop focusing on HIS changing feelings and start focusing on YOUR issues with it and how to deal. That's been your thing all along. YOU have to decide what's important here, YOU have to decide what will fulfill you. Don't act like you can change him, don't act like he SHOULD be changed. Work with who you are now.

If you don't want to continue without him, and he's made it clear that he's not interested (call it a soft limit for discussion purposes) then it's up to you to respect that. If there's no possibility of compromise, or you learning how to enjoy others on your own (which is where I think you should work most on), then you have to deal with that.

quote:

I -do- obsesses. It's one of those things I do 'cause I figure I screwed up somewhere, y'know?

Of course I know, why do you think I used the word obsess? It's extremely common in submissives. You need to stop beating yourself up, stop obsessing, stop trying to "change things" and start focusing on what you have to actually work with. Start doing productive things.

Practice makes perfect- or at least more tolerable.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the... - 3/19/2005 5:48:30 PM

stormsfate

Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

Communication is good, but sometimes all the talking in theworld can't quite bridge the communication gap.

Oh, I don't know if I can agree with this...lol. After some truly marathon discussions, sometimes the littlest thing can bridge the gap to understanding. When you are both beating your heads against the wall, just try one more time to reach a mutual understanding and keep revisiting the issue until you do. BTDT...lol.

best regards,
fate

_____________________________

Vision? What do you know about MY vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you! Now ask yourself, are you really ready to see that vision? [/size

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the... - 3/20/2005 8:56:42 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

I wanted to say thank you to everyone. I have a different way to look at things and it helps.

I'm going to fix me, and not worry about "fixing" him. That makes so much sence, but I somehow couldn't see it, y'know?

Thanks.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to stormsfate)

Profile

Post #: 11

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> What to do--the reluctant partner becomes poly, the initiating partner changes mind.

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Spam Policy

0.172