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A Domme's Manner - 3/19/2005 12:08:26 PM

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline

I've been experiencing some difficulty in meeting serious and or potential subs/slaves via the online experience.
Long story short. i believe part of the reason is the way I come across to them. While I am a firm disciplinarian i am not a hard or stern mistress. I can be a relentless taskmaster but am gentle, unless disobeyed. Works well for me when a relationship has been established.
But I'm finding that online subs/slaves may be expecting me to be rougher in the way i deal with them. Things will be going along fine and they will say something or do something, where were we in a relationship i would take them to task for. We are just talking at this moment so i do not bother. Afterwards tho, they don't contact me or just ignore me. I'd hate to portray myself in a way that is not truly me. Not sure what to do.

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/19/2005 1:43:44 PM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dommesilk4u

I've been experiencing some difficulty in meeting serious and or potential subs/slaves via the online experience.
Long story short. i believe part of the reason is the way I come across to them. While I am a firm disciplinarian i am not a hard or stern mistress. I can be a relentless taskmaster but am gentle, unless disobeyed. Works well for me when a relationship has been established.
But I'm finding that online subs/slaves may be expecting me to be rougher in the way i deal with them. Things will be going along fine and they will say something or do something, where were we in a relationship i would take them to task for. We are just talking at this moment so i do not bother. Afterwards tho, they don't contact me or just ignore me. I'd hate to portray myself in a way that is not truly me. Not sure what to do.

Might I suggest a carrot?

"You know, if you were mine you'd pay for that, and I don't think you'd like it." Of course, to be effective you'll have to stop there and not give them any more details other than to say that you don't care for that sort of behavior (and why - if they're smart enough to ask) in those you own and, should you decide to proceed with them, you'll elaborate on the details of how you'll be handling those situations when you are together (in person). If they're smart they'll ask what behavior you didn't like specifically and how you prefer it to be handled. If they're yanking your chain they'll probably be hyperfocused on 'what you'll do to them if..."

Have you heard "You're too nice to be a domme" yet? I've found that those who say that usually stop saying it after they've heard me laugh r/t. <shrug> Go figure.

Of course, if they're testing you to see if you're 'dominant enough' ya gotta ask yourself, is this gonna be worth my time? Doesn't hurt to let them know that's what you're thinking, too.

Now you've got to understand, I've been telling people to go away and leave me alone for about three years (maybe more??) So mine is the perspective of someone who could care less if the online interaction 'works out' or not.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to dommesilk4u)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/19/2005 2:02:44 PM

Posts: 24
Joined: 2/24/2005
Status: offline

I will add to this as well. I am in the same position as you silk as I am not harsh or mean in general but I am very strict. When that time comes that someone does not do something that " pleases" me, I tell them that did not make me happy and if they were here with me, they would be punished for it.

I have had some laugh and what will you do to me if I dont. To which I respond, " if you were here I would show you" that usually tells me if they keep on if they are in it for the online game or if they just say yes ma'am and move on. The ones that I have agreed to meet will apologize for the behavior and try to correct it

I am meeting a slave tonight from collar me. I hope things go well with him

but until the meeting happens face to face, it is still online.

I have had better luck for sure on collar me than in a chat room but those are a few things that I look for. Another thing I look for. Did they talk about sex right away, "Dominate me Mistress I need you" not worth my time. The question I ask is what do you seek in a Mistress the answer I look for is this. I love to serve, to sit at the feet of my Mistress

thats worth talking more.

Hope this helped a little with what I have found in the online scene and how I have weeded through the " players".

Any other suggestions feel free to contact me directly, always have time for a fellow

_____________________________

Miss

Opinions are like assholes, everybody has them and most of them stink
Life goes on you can bury your head in the sand or face it head on

(in reply to MizSuz)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/19/2005 3:44:51 PM

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMiss
I have had some laugh and what will you do to me if I dont. To which I respond, " if you were here I would show you" that usually tells me if they keep on if they are in it for the online game or if they just say yes ma'am and move on. The ones that I have agreed to meet will apologize for the behavior and try to correct it
Any other suggestions feel free to contact me directly, always have time for a fellow

I use that technique as well. And I find it seperates the players from the serious ones.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMiss
I am meeting a slave tonight from collar me. I hope things go well with him but until the meeting happens face to face, it is still online.

I wish you a lovely evening and much success with this!

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 3/19/2005 3:45:20 PM >

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to MistressMiss)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/19/2005 4:09:02 PM

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Have you heard "You're too nice to be a domme" yet?

Yup. And it really depends on the chemistry with the subbie. I find that the more attracted/interested I am in him as a potential sub/boyfriend, the slower I go and the more time I need to get to know him and see if there is something really there beyond play. For other guys, it's easier to call the shots right off the bat (in all the years of my experience

.

If he's impatient with the speed I'm going at, then that's his timetable and not mine, and it's not going to work for me.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/19/2005 9:16:59 PM

Posts: 343
Joined: 2/24/2004
Status: offline

G'morning all!

I've often been mistaken upon first meetings with total strangers in public as a sub because of my polite mannerisms. I believe in "Please.", "Thank you.", "Good Morning.", "You're welcome.", etc. Courtesy has led people to the erroneous conclusion that it equates with weakness.

I'm easy going, bubbly, personable & downright friendly. Then they watch me scene & their perceptions are shattered, lol. Going from sweet suzy to full on bitch mode is a bit much for many, hehe. Feels perfectly natural to me. The twist is that during a scene, I end up giggling my ass off @ some point. I've even needed a time out I was laughing so hard. I actually get lots of compliments on this as it appears to balance out my sadistic proclivities.

Yes, I've heard the cliche "You're too nice to be a domme." more than once. They just need to wait around a bit. Keep true to your form dear. Never let anyone change your style. Whatever works for you is paramount. Relish the moment when realization dawns on them & their mouths hang open!

Stay safe all, play nice, & share your toys w/ others.....

Bella

_____________________________

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting..."Wow! What a ride!"

(in reply to dommesilk4u)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/19/2005 9:32:35 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

Ya, see! This is exactly why I won't chat anymore. I'm not saying I won't move into chat mode, but if that is the first thing a boy wants, and he needs to take that shortcut, I can pretty well bet he just wants to sneak in the cyber. they aren't even very subtle about it. Try to use short cuts to meet Me, and I know you will use short cuts when you are serving Me.
And yes, I am also polite, and I have had the "you're too nice" thing thrown at Me. I even had a boy tell Me once that I should never say please or thank you. Oh, well!
I am very strict, and I can get into a real bad mood at times. For Me, that is actually not the time to play! It is a great time to punish, for even the most minor of infractions.
Gets rid of My stress!
I begin with email tasks, assignments. That gets rid of most of alot of them pretty fast. . they just can't cut the discipline.
I agree that online is hard. But I don't think that r/l is much easier. Most boys are still thinking with their little heads.
Just keep on sloggin' My way through. Sorry A/all...I've just been kinda cranky lately. Probably shouldn't be posting.
Hang in there!

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 3/19/2005 9:36:04 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to dommesilk4u)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/20/2005 4:57:26 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

I've come across this too..."You are too nice to be a Domme" and it makes me laugh.
Some seem to think it is that easy to manipulate a Dom/me not realising they are not worth bothering with.
Some are new and have this stereotype idea of what Dom/mes are like... if they have thought it through I wonder how many really want to be with someone who is never "nice".

I prefer to get to know someone in a relaxed way, as said before me this is a good way of sorting the ones worth the time.

At the end of the day I am true to myself not some image a sub may have of what a Domme is.

Oumae

(in reply to dommesilk4u)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/20/2005 10:01:11 AM

Posts: 152
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

Be true to yourself. The subs that feel you need to behave in a particular way to fulfill their image of what a Domme should be are most likely not able to view you as a person with an individual personality, and that, to me, is a turn-off. I don't let everyone see my dominant side from the start. I am respectful and enjoy general conversation. I sometimes get a bit playful in my demeanor when I feel comfortable with someone, but it's on my terms. If a sub feels I am less dominant because I am not constantly stern and calling him "worthless" in general conversation, that's his problem. He most likely would not be able to endure the things I like to do when I in full Domme-mode ;-) I also enjoy the switch from sweet to sadistic in the space of a few seconds...

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to dommesilk4u)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/20/2005 10:23:36 AM

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I never once have altered my behaviour to attract a sub. If they don't deal with you the way you are, they are the wrong sub for you. I too have gotten the "you're too nice to be a Domme" thing. I remind them that Domme doesn't equal bitch. Domination is control, not nastiness. Anyone can be a bitch. Not everyone can control.

One reason you're having trouble via online, is that many "subs" online are fantasy subs. They've never really done it, probably won't ever do it real time and are using you to titlate themselves. You're a wank off fantasy. When you don't provide grist for their imagination, they leave. These aren't subs. They are users.

Even the ones who think they are serious probably don't have an idea how a Domme acts in real life (vs their fantasy.) Very few subs have much experience because Domme are rare. If you find a sub who has served before, there is a good chance he's done it less than a dozen times total.

Your best bet for finding someone serious about serving is to go to a munch. Someone at a munch has already put time and effort into attending, so they are serious about their kink. I'm not sure what part of Ma. you're in, so I'll just give some general links.

http://www.egroups.com/group/FemDommes_NewEngland
http://www.bfp.com/aolmunch.htm
http://www.nefg.org/index.html
http://www.wmpe.org/
http://www.ne-ds.org/home.htm
http://www.massachusettsbondage.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CapeCodKink/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SouthShoreMunch/
http://www.nla-newengland.org/

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to dommesilk4u)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/20/2005 2:19:49 PM

Posts: 343
Joined: 2/24/2004
Status: offline

Hola Beach!

What a collection of links. You're not even east coast. Perhaps you have some specific to NY that you'd care to share? I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

Stay safe all, play nice, & share your toys w/ others....

Bella

_____________________________

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting..."Wow! What a ride!"

(in reply to BeachMystress)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/20/2005 2:32:08 PM

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

We get told on a regular basis that we are too nice to be "real" Dommes ... or that because we want our boys to be something other than mindless slaves that we are just playing at being Dommes ... or because we do (or don't do) x, y, and/or z we are just fakes/players/whatever ...

Personally, I have no need to prove my dominance to anyone - many have seen it, many feel it (even when just speaking online), and a few have gotten to enjoy it ... my girlfriend feels the exact same way. If someone feels that we are dominant, then great, if not, then we aren't going to 'force' them to do something just to prove that we are dominant. If they don't think we are dominant, then fine - they can move along and find someone else that is what they define as "dominant" ... the problem is, a lot of them seem to feel the need to lecture us on who to be "truly dominant" ... bah. I don't worry about what they say though, as long as they aren't disrupting others in the room (be it face to face or in an online chat room) ... and I will not fight with them - which for some reason, also makes me a fake (which I totally don't get ... how is keeping control of myself and not letting someone get under my skin not being a Dominant?).

(in reply to GddssBella)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/20/2005 4:37:56 PM

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I agree with simply being who you are, anyone who doesn't mesh with that won't work for you. And if you have long term problems, figure out if your life or personality really is socially inept.

Be careful with the carrot approach- my response to that is always "ok"

To presume something about what I'd want, what I'd feel, or how I'd respond before getting to know me shows they aren't focusing on ME as a potential fit particularly for them and aren't willing to communicate with me about it. So if they want to presume something about me...OK.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/20/2005 8:00:52 PM

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GddssBella
What a collection of links. You're not even east coast. Perhaps you have some specific to NY that you'd care to share? I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

My pleasure. :-) I'm one of those people that is a wiz with a search engine.

http://www.dorsai.org/~ldnqb/queensmunch.html
http://tes.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BrooklynLeather/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/cldr/view.cgi?db=def
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NYCmunch/
http://members.aol.com/lolitassc/nysm.html
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Longislandbdsm/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/longislandbdsm2/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/LI_Leather_N_Roses/
http://www.whipenthusiasts.org/new_york_city.htm
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Bdsm_nyc/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/newyorkfetishworld/
http://www.mothernyc.com/events/index.html
http://www.bondcon.com/
http://www.theblackandblueball.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheOtherWhiteMeat/

< Message edited by BeachMystress -- 3/20/2005 8:01:34 PM >

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to GddssBella)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/20/2005 9:26:57 PM

Posts: 343
Joined: 2/24/2004
Status: offline

G'morning Beach!

{leaves a piping hot cocoa liberally laced w/ Bailey's, topped w/ fresh whipped cream & cinnamon plus a monster sized chocolate chip cookie w/ walnuts behind in appreciation}

You rock doll. I was already a member of several Yahoo! groups, plus one I created.

{shameless plug} http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NYC_Ds/

I never knew so many others existed. You got to love the name of the last group: "TheOtherWhiteMeat". I damn near peed myself!

Thanks again sweets.

Stay safe all, play nice, & share your toys w/ others.....

Bella

< Message edited by GddssBella -- 3/20/2005 9:29:08 PM >

_____________________________

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting..."Wow! What a ride!"

(in reply to BeachMystress)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/20/2005 9:55:15 PM

Posts: 2539
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: SeaTac area
Status: offline

This thread reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend once. We were talking about kinks, then got on the subject of D/s and he said I came across as entirely too nice and laidback to be Dominant at all (which I am most of the time, despite the word "switch" in my profile). He continued to think that until several weeks ago when I gave him and his now ex-girlfriend my version of couple's therapy. It involved the phrase "enter the Yahoo conference, shut up, and dont say anything unless I ask you to" *evil giggle*

(in reply to GddssBella)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/27/2005 10:17:53 AM

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

I too have been handed that phrase... you are too nice/kind/cute to be a Domme

My typical reply is along the lines of...

Oh really? What made you an expert in determining one's level of Dominance? Is it a 2 or 4 yr degree program?

Why must one be a raging, out-of-control, mean & nasty person in order to show/prove dominance... I would much rather reserve that needed energy to do more pleasurable activities.

That line (too nice) along with this one... "Oh you just haven't met the right Master yet" are pretty much neck-n-neck with being the #1 thing said to me that really pisses me off.

I have been living this way of life long before the birth of the internet. Now since this, anyone who learns a few fetish terms & goes out & buys a fetish items can call themself Dom or sub. I do not consider myself an expert, but I do have far more working knowledge than the almighty power of the keystroke that so many rely upon.

There are no D/s Police, Fetish Patrol Officials... no commity that makes up rules or standards that sets a precedence as to what makes one "truly" this or that.

"To thine own self be true" really means a lot if you adapt this way ofd life to real time & especially 24/7.

Be able to effectively explain your own understandings & theories to the next person. There are far too many sheep out there just looking to follow & will blindly fall in line to back up one person's ideas & do so in quite a nasty way.

So this babble boils down to this.... am I too nice to be a Domme?

I really don't care what the F'ck the crowd believes, the only oppinions that matter are those of the people that matter in my life.

<smile>

MstrssPassion

"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
~Ramona L. Anderson

(in reply to CalliopePurple)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/28/2005 10:09:26 AM

Posts: 27
Joined: 1/16/2005
From: Columbus, IN
Status: offline

I haven't yet heard I'm too nice to be Domme, but I have heard I'm not harsh enough, from guys who say they aren't masochist. When they ask me what I would do, I tell them, "That entirely depends on you, I don't know what things you do and don't like... which things you dislike more than others. Your punishments are not going to be enjoyable. The nature of punishment is to deter you from unacceptable behavior. So whatever I do, it's going to be something you dislike... immensely..." That's my spiel. And when the persist, I drop them like a bad habit.

I don't go into descriptions about scenes or anything online usually, and that irritates some boys. I am sooooo not into online domination, not at all, or any kind of "cybersex" type of thing. And that's what 75% of boys I encounter are after.

I am also still fairly new and am doing a great deal of learning about the things I enjoy and do not enjoy. I have encountered many boys who don't like that I don't know EXACTLY what I want right this second. Which, even if I had another five years experience as a domme, I STILL wouldn't know exactly what I wanted, I am a woman, my tastes and my wants and needs change pretty often, as I'm sure most women's do. I don't expect them to know exactly what they want, just that they be open to new experiences. And I don't believe that is too much to ask. :)

I don't know how much that had to do with the original post, but I hope it helps, at least a little.

Miss Erin

_____________________________

I'm not a bitch, I just know exactly what I want, and exactly what it takes to get there. Now, Bend Over.

(in reply to MizSuz)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/28/2005 10:20:32 AM

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Oh the joke I make about this is usually "You aren't real until you've been told at least 4 times that you're not real."

Subs get this all the time as well "You're not very submissive"

The problem is people equating personality and expressions with orientation. It's similar to saying "You can't be gay! You like hockey!"

I think it's nice, they make themselves so obvious to weed out.

(in reply to indydomme)

RE: A Domme's Manner - 3/29/2005 5:32:01 AM

Posts: 27
Joined: 1/16/2005
From: Columbus, IN
Status: offline

Oh god, I've heard that a HUNDRED times, "You're not real." And as a submissive, I got that stuff too... "You don't act very submissive..." OH, and my favorite was being dogged out in a chat room for not being submissive to every guy who CALLED himself Dominant. Another submissive actually told me I was "a disgrace to the name submissive." That was the best.

I just had to comment... again.

Miss Erin

_____________________________

I'm not a bitch, I just know exactly what I want, and exactly what it takes to get there. Now, Bend Over.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

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