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RE: Vanilla partners - 6/18/2004 6:04:12 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		You are a regular Dear Abby there aren't you Raymond?

(in reply to DomRaymond)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Vanilla partners - 6/24/2004 2:15:43 PM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
First off in My humble opinion
after reading everyones words
and what I find funny is that
alltho I have never personally
experianced a vanilla relationship
I feel that no matter what kind or
type of relationship you have with
a Mate you have chose to live your
full life with them, (married for life,
commited for life by bond of word,
ect ect ect ) and you have to be 101%
honest and honorable with them and with
your self at all times for the relationship to
be true and last happily.When you want to
bring into the relationship a new [thing] it
has to be discussed BEFOR hand and agreed
apon by both or more partners in the agreed
relationship. That is regardless if the partner
or partners choose to be a part of it or not,
it is still a subject that needs to be agreed to
and be brought into the scheme of the
relationship or voted not to be a part of it.
In todays vanilla Life where its the Me Me Me
generation after the Throw away generation
the statistics are bleek as to just how many
with in these vanilla Groups are unhappy and
sad and seek that which is stable and seems
to be successfull where Their lifes have not.
And when they are introduced to the structured
Alternate Living and Successful Longterm Living
of those of Us whom have been commited to
Our Lifestyle and its rules regulations and proticals
and totally Alternate ways of Living that seem to
work, where their lifes and love have failed no
wonder the masses especially since the inseption of
the computer has brought Our Lifestyle to the open
forum from Our Secrete Societies and Hidden meetings.
This is where I feel so many vanilla relationships
fail and so many Lifestyle relationships have
success because there is always discussion in
the Lifestyle We call Our Own. BDSM
is not just a Alternate Lifestyle but it is different
from a vanilla one because it runs by a different
set of rules from what a normal vanillla society
rules run by and in My Opinion by what I was
taught, stricter rules of Living, Honor, Integrity
not only between those whom choose to be
together for life but even for those whom
meet one time for a scene with another Lifestyler.
Permission for this still needs to be accepted by
the mates we have chose for life. I have NO
DESIRE to see what I have know MY Lifestyle to
be to become the watered down version
of the Honor and Integrity I was taught it was
to be lived up to nor do I desire to see BDSM
based Longterm relationships to have the same
statistics of vanilla relationships just because
vanillas are looking for sumthing different to spice
up their failing lifes because they dont know
what Honor or Integrity or Love for Life is and
refuse to accept and Live by the such rules I grew
up with and Live with today that have the roots that
made, I feel My longterm relationships successful.
Many find this Alternate Lifestyle late in life and late
in relationships and alltho it is sad that they discover
that this is sumthing they searched for their whole lifes
it should not become the based factor of a relationship
that was in place befor BDSM became the topic of discussion
at the dinner table. When I am approched by those
whom seek what BDSM is I first ask if they are married or
have a long term commited relationship and prefer to
teach what I know of this life to both or more of them
at the same time so that they together can make a informed
choice if it is to become a part of their lifes or not.
Anything done purposely with out a mate knowing is
cheating the relationship period no matter what the item is.
[If your partner gives you 50 bucks to buy meat at the
market and you buy with it a bottle of peanut butter with
out your partner knowing first you are cheating the relationship]
OPEN COMMUNICATION to partners should be 101%
TOTAL COMMITMENT and HONOR towards partners should
be 101%
PERSONAL INTEGRITY should be held for partners 101%
LOVE should be selfless and complete and bend to the partners
we chose for life 101%
If You do not give this in a relationship to your partner it will not
be lifelong regardless if it is Lifestyle or vanilla or a mix of both.
JMO ( an woooohhhist Me but I am full of opinions. ~smiles~ )

(in reply to DomRaymond)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Vanilla partners - 6/24/2004 7:55:52 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I have known two different slaves that had been married to men that were submissive. Both of them said that they and their husbands were miserable. I can't imagine that type of a relationship ever working.


My first wife was a smart-assed masochist who thrived on the adrenaline rush of flying into angry rages, usually at me. When we discovered BDSM she was all giddy that she could be a bottom and thought of herself as submissive. But when we tried to dance, as when we tried to engage in BDSM activities, she was unable to let her partner lead and so it never really worked. I dont demand my partner follow my lead dancing, but when she does we make poetry, and when she doesnt, we dont.

I am rather passive, but I am also rather Dominant. But I am Dominant in a fairly subtle manner. I dont ask to be jury foreman, gang leader at work, operations staff team leader, etc., but I always end up having those jobs and people tend to look to me for guidance and leadership.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Vanilla partners - 6/24/2004 8:24:53 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDREAD

OPEN COMMUNICATION to partners should be 101%
TOTAL COMMITMENT and HONOR towards partners should
be 101%
PERSONAL INTEGRITY should be held for partners 101%
LOVE should be selfless and complete and bend to the partners
we chose for life 101%
If You do not give this in a relationship to your partner it will not
be lifelong regardless if it is Lifestyle or vanilla or a mix of both.


I agree 101%

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to MistressDREAD)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Vanilla partners - 6/24/2004 8:26:43 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

My first wife was a smart-assed masochist who thrived on the adrenaline rush of flying into angry rages, usually at me.


She's giving us real smart-assed masochists a bad name.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Vanilla partners - 6/24/2004 8:57:34 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

She's giving us real smart-assed masochists a bad name.


Well, I personally enjoy a good smart-assed masochist, but the whole raging thing doesnt do much for me.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Vanilla partners - 6/25/2004 9:23:33 AM   
Sundew02


Posts: 457
Joined: 2/6/2004
Status: offline 		Lets look at the word being bantied back and forth here. Cheating, since there is nothing in the world like a bdsm experience there is no real situation to acquant it to. So I will use a fictious one. Two people marry, love each other, one enjoys watching grass grow the other likes sitting in the middle of a concrete slab. Watching grass growing is the acceptable marriage activity. So what is being said here is the one who likes concrete has to be cheated out of an enjoyable life to fulfill the needs of the grass grower. IMO, unless you can get the grass grower to spend at least half the time on concrete then you are being cheated. I refuse to accept that a basic need of one partner has to be denied for the selfish requirements of the other. If this is "love" then it is an inconsiderate love. NO sex, either oral, anal, or straight vanilla should be the rule of thumb in this instance. If you as an individual want to live miserably, then possibly that is your own form of D/s. For me, I have no right to chose for another. Judgement belongs elsewhere. If the concrete sitter is willing to sit in the grass and ignore their own happiness, then I will support their decision. But if they are not, then I will not condemn their actions. Sundew

_____________________________


~~~~~Enjoy the ride, the landing could get painful~~~~

(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/12/2004 10:50:42 PM   
innocentangel


Posts: 30
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		in reading the posts on this thread, i thought i would post my story.

about a year ago, i found gor online and became inthralled in it. it was exactly what was missing from my life and i was too damn scarred to tell my husband about it, so i kept it to an online limit. after almost that one year anniversary of being online, and not a personal slave to Any just belonging to a Home, my husband was so suspicious about the amount of time i spent online. i finally broke, and scared as hell, showed him what i was doing. he was relieved because he thought i was cheating, but i wasn't, and i began to explain my desires. I told him i wanted to be his slave, to serve at his feet, and be all that he wanted me to be, but that i just wanted to serve him with every fiber of my being as well as explore the sexual side of the BDSM lifesyles. He didn't understand why i had to be his slave to do those things. having some friends online in the lifesyle, i got them to talk to him. a Master friend of mine told him to chain me to the foot of the bed and make me sleep on the floor for one night to impress the slavery upon me........my husband couldn't do it. we are talking about a man whom i had told my fantasy was to be blindfolded and handcuffed to the bed while he made love to me.......this was about 4 years ago..........he couldn't do it. he removed everything after 5 minutes. He's so sensitive, and he thinks too much of hurting me in any way, which i guess is a good thing, but i think there is a line too. i believe that marriage is about growing together and learnign together and experiencing things together, but it takes two. mind you his trying to be a Master didn't last for a week. He said he didn't want to do it, so i let it go rather than push him away from me by pressing the issue. that is my story and here i am today.........married, and still submissive in my heart.

angel

(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/13/2004 12:35:21 AM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I am a submisive who wants my husband to be dominate


Technically, you want your husband to be dominant over you. Or you want your husband to dominate you.

Be dominate combines 2 verbs, which never works.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to DomRaymond)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/13/2004 5:05:46 AM   
subinfyniti


Posts: 18
Joined: 6/10/2004
Status: offline 		I know this is going to be a not very popular answer, but IMHO only..... I believe one has to be submissive or Dominant inside. I don't think that trying to learn it for a partner really works in the long run. I dated a guy who though at first we never talked about D/s he was the most Dominant man I had been out with at that point in my life. We dated, he chose my clothes, my food, he treated me like I was the most special person in his life. I was so affraid of bringing up the topic of being spanked, etc.
One night, he playfully spanked me. Later that evening, after several hours of passion, I decided to bring up my thoughts of control, spanking, his being the Dominant in this relationship. BAD IDEA. He believed that Man should be head of the household but actually told me that I should seek some professional help with my desires of being tied up and spanked or my thoughts on being is " submissive"......OUCH!
That was about 9 years ago but I then learned that it is much better to be OPEN from the beginning. The relationship eventually ended a few months later. I later found a Dom on line who lived locally to me at the time. He was married in a vanilla relationship, so things were kept pretty strictly D/s. We made a bunch of rules and I became his play toy. At the time, that was just what I needed and wanted. It was short lived (about 7 weeks) but it was my first real life D/s relationship and though looking back at it, I laugh at all the things I had no clue about...... I opened doors for me that I knew I could not go back through again.
Happily married now. and yes, sought and found a Dominant Man, met on line, met at a mall.... and after meeting several others before him in the same manner, found this man to be the most charming, Dominant, sweet, lovable man on the face of the earth.
Met in 1999...... Married in 2001..... Looking back, that was one long road in finding him!! But well worth it!

peace
infyniti

(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/14/2004 5:25:35 AM   
kiki blue


Posts: 315
Joined: 1/16/2004
From: Brisbane, Australia
Status: offline 		Actions that you don't want your partner to find out about - whether it's just a quick fuck with a girl you met down the pub, a heavily emotionally intimate but non-sexual "friendship" with a friend, chatting people up online for a mutual masturbation session, all of the above plus more - is cheating to me. If you can't tell your partner what you're doing, then I think you've got to question why you're doing it.

(in reply to DomRaymond)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/14/2004 5:48:48 AM   
subinfyniti


Posts: 18
Joined: 6/10/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiki blue

Actions that you don't want your partner to find out about - whether it's just a quick fuck with a girl you met down the pub, a heavily emotionally intimate but non-sexual "friendship" with a friend, chatting people up online for a mutual masturbation session, all of the above plus more - is cheating to me. If you can't tell your partner what you're doing, then I think you've got to question why you're doing it.


Perfectly Put. There is nothing I can add nor change from what you posted. What I can do is tell you that I completely agree with you.

(in reply to kiki blue)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/14/2004 12:33:52 PM   
EStrict


Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

chatting people up online for a mutual masturbation session, all of the above plus more - is cheating to me. If you can't tell your partner what you're doing, then I think you've got to question why you're doing it


Is it cheating if you mastrubate alone but thinking of say, Mel Gibson? Or if you imagine him while having sex? What about if you DO tell your partner that you are cybering, and as long as that's all it is, they don't mind?

I am just curious to how *firm* your thoughts are on this kind of thing. I can't stand cyber, but wouldn't care if Master did it any more than I would mind if he played with another RL. Of course the second is more likely as he doesn't like cyber either...

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to kiki blue)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/14/2004 6:14:56 PM   
kiki blue


Posts: 315
Joined: 1/16/2004
From: Brisbane, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EStrict
Is it cheating if you mastrubate alone but thinking of say, Mel Gibson? Or if you imagine him while having sex? What about if you DO tell your partner that you are cybering, and as long as that's all it is, they don't mind?


For me, fantastising during masturbation is normal. I'm the sort of girl who happily shares fantasies with my partner, whether it's stuff we share during sex together, or something I did by myself. If the peopel in the relationship agreed cyber 'wham bam thank you ma'am" was ok (with no emotional connectection) and they told each other about it, then I guess that'd be okay for them. But for me, it's cheating. I'm there to be the fucktoy, cumslut, to have and to use as the fulfillment of fantasies.

quote:


I am just curious to how *firm* your thoughts are on this kind of thing. I can't stand cyber, but wouldn't care if Master did it any more than I would mind if he played with another RL. Of course the second is more likely as he doesn't like cyber either...


I don't cyber anymore. It's more frustrating than anything else, and my current desk and chair don't make it easy. If I want to masturbate, I will. If I'm involved with someone, I'm quite willing to experiment, to explore and to enact fantasies. I see no need for it, when I'm in a relationship, with sex on tap.

Playing, as in S&M stuff, is not sexual to me. It's just fun. But the big point I have with all this, is whether it's an activity you feel you have to hide from your partner. If your relationships has it as being an open thing, all fine and dandy. But if you're doing someing that you know will hurt your partner if they find out (which my ex did), then it's cheating, and not acceptable to me. I intensely disklike being lied to.

(in reply to EStrict)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/20/2004 7:44:25 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: innocentangel
a Master friend of mine told him to chain me to the foot of the bed and make me sleep on the floor for one night to impress the slavery upon me........my husband couldn't do it.


Hi, innocent. I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to use your quote to launch a discussion about something. I'm not picking on you, really. I've been thinking about this stuff since the beginning of this thread.

Chaining to the foot of the bed is kinda extreme as a vanilla's first introduction to D/s. So is being blindfolded and handcuffed. I'm wondering: Maybe starting out a little slower might be better.

Okay, so let's take your fantasy to be fucked blindfolded and handcuffed.

Suppose you wait on the bed for your man. He's expecting vanilla sex. You have a blindfold on (you've put it on yourself; no handcuffs.) He's reluctant. That blindfold is kinda kinky. You say, "Please. Just for fun. I want to smell you, feel you. I can do that better with a blindfold." He says ok. You get fucked with the blindfold on. You have bigger and better orgasms. Your man notices. He's thrilled. Wow. He likes you wearing a blindfold because it gets you so excited. Communication by orgasm.

This is the very tame beginning of marital kink. You do have to be gentle. And IMO if you are submissive, that shouldn't be too hard. Slow and subtle. Your complete fantasy won't get fulfilled. Not then, and maybe never.

I had this roleplay fantasy. I tried to bring it into the bedroom about fifteen years ago. My husband wasn't interested. He's not into the pretend stuff. So what. We still have a blast. Just no roleplay.

What I'm suggesting might seem kinda manipulative. It is. But IMO it's not demanding or impatient, crude or extreme, or "do me". Because of that, I also think it has a chance of working.

January

< Message edited by January -- 7/20/2004 7:55:46 PM >

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to innocentangel)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/20/2004 8:08:09 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Another thing that might help convert a vanilla spouse is to go shopping together at an adult store. Hubby and i did that after our "talk" about my submissive side. We bought a beginners bondage kit, nip clamps, and a few other things. He got aroused just buying the stuff LOL.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to Estring)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/20/2004 10:28:10 PM   
MzBerlin


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDREAD

My contract now why would My contracts
be mythical? Why is My Word of any
less value then the next shmoo who
uses contracts?


DREAD-
Because you're a hoot.
As Always-
Berlin

(in reply to MistressDREAD)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/20/2004 10:43:46 PM   
MzBerlin


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiki blue

Actions that you don't want your partner to find out about - whether it's just a quick fuck with a girl you met down the pub, a heavily emotionally intimate but non-sexual "friendship" with a friend, chatting people up online for a mutual masturbation session, all of the above plus more - is cheating to me. If you can't tell your partner what you're doing, then I think you've got to question why you're doing it.


I completely agree with you, Kiki. COMMUNICATION is the key to anything that is successful in life. You have to know where you stand and where the other person stands. I mean, you can ignore it, but if you're not sure of your boundaries?- it will be like that time when you were a kid playing Marco Polo in the pool and slammed your head against the concrete steps. Painful and surprising. I think that 'cheating' is a personal barometer that needs to be discussed in a relationship that is not mono. to begin with. See, you need to find out if the person is mono or poly to begin with!! I think people need to be upfront. Or as upfront as they can be, as open as they can be, and aware of their limits as they can be. It's really late. Sorry if this isn't interesting.
As Always-
Berlin

(in reply to kiki blue)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/21/2004 1:19:00 AM   
SherriA


Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzBerlin
See, you need to find out if the person is mono or poly to begin with!! I think people need to be upfront. Or as upfront as they can be, as open as they can be, and aware of their limits as they can be.


This is a good point. When I got married my husband was completely aware of my kinks, and we both knew that our kinks weren't particularly compatible. He said that he was perfectly ok with me playing with other people (and I him).

Turned out that he wasn't so ok with it afterall. Since he had never been in the situation he could only intellectualize how he might feel. He assumed that he would be fine. He was wrong. Turns out that he had a jealous streak that ran pretty deeply and it led to some significant problems.

I don't believe that he intentionally miscommunicated his limit in this regard; I believe that he truly didn't know until he ran head first into it.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to MzBerlin)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Vanilla partners - 7/21/2004 12:08:51 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Sherri's post reminded me that my suggestion of slowly introducing a partner to bdsm won't go very far unless your partner is naturally dominant or sadistic. But you might luck out, and unleash hidden talents in your mate. Or maybe all you want is light and fun bdsm anyway.

In any case, I'm only talking about converting a vanilla man you're in a long-term vanilla relationship with, rather than springing it on your date. (Actually that sounds like fun, too...)

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 60
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