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Getting feedback from a shy submissive? - 3/21/2005 11:40:01 PM

SterlingSwitch

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Hello all!

I've recently started playing with a new submissive-new in both respects: new playing with me and new to the scene for just over a year. I'm very impressed with him on every level except that he is incredibly shy and I'm having a hard time getting feedback from him. I don't believe in pushing people further than what they are ready and I believe he is worth my patience at this point so I am waiting to build our trust together. However, that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to get some fire under his bottom!

I have tried a variety of things both in scene [such as making feedback part of the scene or he gets punishment] and out of scene [by having him keep a journal and then discuss what he has written with me].

I am wondering if anybody could recommend some other techniques and perhaps share some stories from their early days. Maybe even some of you shy guys/gals can share your experiences?

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RE: Getting feedback from a shy submissive? - 3/22/2005 5:16:22 AM

sterlingsweet

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As I wrote on the Mistress Board(I expand there) this above person
is not an alter Ego of me.

~Sterlingsweet

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< Message edited by sterlingsweet -- 3/22/2005 5:18:29 AM >

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RE: Getting feedback from a shy submissive? - 3/22/2005 6:33:15 AM

Chupaflor

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Maybe the fact that they are "new" is what keeps him holding back? Being new myself, sometimes I don't ask questions or input anything even on these boards for fear of "doing it wrong". It was overwhelming to me, it seemed there were so many protocols..how to adress someone, some sites people read from to get more info make it seem almost like a cardinal sin to make a mistake. Of course that was my take on it, lol and I have been known to be wrong. When I got my first training sessions, it was from someone I knew in the "Vanilla" terms of life, and spent a great deal of time focusing on being blown away at this other side of him. Then I expected him to know everything since I was new and was not. Could be your sub is thinking that you have the answers already, I felt that way for a long time. Not sure if this helps any at all, but it is just how it was/is with me.

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RE: Getting feedback from a shy submissive? - 3/22/2005 7:16:56 AM

ElektraUkM

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Well i was going to suggest asking him to write down his thoughts... but you say you already did that... what went wrong with that approach?

Another thing I was thinking was that lots of times I just can't answer even a very direct and simple question, because i just get confused and/or i actually don't *know* at that time what I think or feel or want. Just part of my personality, I suppose, and it's not actually me being *shy* as such. When this happens Master is very very patient... and he also knows how I am... so perhaps... it depends on what questions you're asking... perhaps there is no 'answer' as such sometimes?

I would also say that i'd find it very hard of Master to punish me if i couldn't give a response... that would just make me more nervous and confused.

Hope that helps.

~ Elektra

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RE: Getting feedback from a shy submissive? - 3/22/2005 7:41:10 AM

srahfox

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I know for me sometimes it's hard for me to really understand what is happening to me. So much of it is so mential that it's not always easy to put it in words. When you add not being sure what you really feel to being shy or uncomfortable talking... it can make things a little difficult. I do believe that communication is a extreamly important thing. Something about asking while he is in scene, he may not be Able to talk much. The farther down into subspace I go, the harder it is to talk. Generally I can, but it's like pushing a bolder off my chest and pulls me out of my space.
Maybe you could make it childishly simple after wards. Give him a varity of cards with stuff like yes, no, it make me feel uncomfortable.. then ask him about each aspect of your play and have him display a card. I know that would make me want to talk more just so I didn't have to use the cards.

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RE: Getting feedback from a shy submissive? - 3/22/2005 7:50:29 AM

ElektraUkM

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Just wanted to add that the times when i feel most unable to give a response... are when i don't feel one way or the other about something... because it doesn't occur to me to question what i want in a situation... i'm doing it because he asked me to... and that's where my thoughts on the matter (if there were any... ) end. Being asked 'do you like this?' or even 'did you like it?' afterwards would just be confusing.

Basically you're talking about confusing issues anyway... yes, something hurts... and no, you don't want that (well personally i don't) but you also Do.. because it's giving him pleasure... I suppose what Master wants to know is... is this causing any Damage ... damage that can't be seen, I mean..? I don't know...

Shutting up again now because I'm rambling...

~ Elektra

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RE: Getting feedback from a shy submissive? - 3/22/2005 9:39:23 AM

ARoseAndAnEye

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i for one, am EXTREMELY quiet when in scene. The quieter i am, the more into it i am, the more intense the play can become. Screaming following a long period of quietness indicates i am nearing a limit. i worry that this is construed as "shyness". i do not know if this is common or not, but i've always been this way in scene. in the real world, i'm pretty gregarious, witty and outgoing with those i am comfortable with.

i do, however, have fears that if i incorrectly voice a desire or emotion, i will be looked at negatively. In order to circumvent that, i might ask for permission from my Master and my Mistress to either write down my desires/emotions/fantasies, or ask permission to speak. i find that forced journaling and feedback, at least from my end, tends to run a little more superficial.

Your sub might merely be "pulling into" himself, not shy. It might also be that he is still adjusting to you, for some subs it takes a little more time than others to bare one's soul and FULLY open their bodies and hearts.

(just my thoughts)

~ anna

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RE: Getting feedback from a shy submissive? - 3/22/2005 11:01:20 PM

SterlingSwitch

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*sigh* computer glitches-I hope this doesn't post two times!

My thanks to everyone for your stories, advice and feedback.

quote:

Another thing I was thinking was that lots of times I just can't answer even a very direct and simple question, because i just get confused and/or i actually don't *know* at that time what I think or feel or want. Just part of my personality, I suppose, and it's not actually me being *shy* as such. When this happens Master is very very patient... and he also knows how I am... so perhaps... it depends on what questions you're asking... perhaps there is no 'answer' as such sometimes?

Elektra, I think you may be onto something there. My suspicion is that my boy is not so much shy as he is in "his own world". But, I do love a challenge -so I continue to find a way through this.

If anyone has anything else to add-I'd love to hear it.

Ss

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RE: Getting feedback from a shy submissive? - 4/12/2005 8:10:55 PM

lil1v

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quote:

ORIGINAL: srahfox
Something about asking while he is in scene, he may not be Able to talk much. The farther down into subspace I go, the harder it is to talk. Generally I can, but it's like pushing a bolder off my chest and pulls me out of my space.

Phew.. and I thought I was alone in this.. I'm SOO much that way in a scene.

I'm also quite shy. There are things especially feelings that I have a hard time grasping a word or phrase to really bring across what I'm feeling. I sometimes just give up and say "I don't have words for it." Sometimes I'm also afraid to say what I'm thinking.

Sometimes things move so fast that I can't emotionally keep up and I try to figure out whats holding me up and sometimes I can't find it, and I'm afraid to say something.

The more emotionally shaking something is the longer it takes me to find words for it. Usually I can find words to write it down.. like in a journal. Once written down, discussing the journal can be nerve wracking but I'm better equipped.

One thing thats helped me during scenes, is asking for non-verbal feedback.. like nod if you're ok. Inquisition questions tend to make me shut up, and the more questions Im asked during a scene the more I start to doubt the Dom/mes ability to read me and I doubt my own ability to communicate. Then i start to panic, which is the last thing I want.

Questions like "How do you feel?" are like a trick question to me.. and I'll want to answer "How much time do you have?" Because in a scene, I've go so many emotions and sensations going that it would take me at least a hour to divulge it all. But mostly I'll just sit there and try to figure out what exactly you meant by the question and what answer you're really trying to find. And the further "gone" I am in scene the longer I'll be quiet thinking on the question as I don't notice the passage of time usually, my inner timeclock is way off. Then theres the pushing my way back out of my space to answer.

I'm fairly new to all this.. but those are my thoughts anyway..

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RE: Getting feedback from a shy submissive? - 4/12/2005 9:06:38 PM

junecleaver

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I know someone who is in the habit of teasing my mercilessly until I spill my thoughts. Eventually common sense kicks in. What's the point in any kind of relationship, friendship or otherwise, if there's no communication?

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RE: Getting feedback from a shy submissive? - 4/15/2005 10:51:46 PM

slavedesires

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i dont know if this will help, but i met a Dom, who is from this site. He is very active on forums on the "other" site and we when we met in person, he didnt strick me as shy AT ALL.
Well, not my kind of shy anyway.
He is very outgoing, extroverted, well focused, knows himself very well, very articulate but he quickly adds he is not self directed and shy.
So i says to him, "mmmmm, me thinks you lack self esteem and self assuredness."
He agreed, yes.

i would have never thunk!

is your boy shy like this?

~~shy

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