|
littlesarbonn -> Attracting potential partners in both bdsm and vanilla styles (3/2/2007 12:40:40 AM)
|
I was going to title this "attracting the opposite sex" but then it dawned on me that not everyone here is actually pursuing the opposite sex, so I didn't want to alienate anyone.
So, here's my thought. Recently, I was discussing bdsm with a good friend of mine who told me she thought that attracting someone in a bdsm context is a lot different than attracting someone in a vanilla context. This discussion stemmed from how I tend to attract a specific type of woman who is seeking the type of submissive I am, and that this would not translate to seeking someone in the vanilla community.
Well, this intrigued me mainly because I have not sought out a woman for a relationship in the vanilla community for about as long as I can remember. I've mainly skirted the vanilla community and remained in the bdsm community instead, and when I was close to the vanilla community, circumstances usually managed to turn my vanilla "girlfriends" into future bdsm-related ones, such as in circumstances when they discovered my past and decided they wanted to know more about it through me.
When I returned to California, I found myself interacting with a lot of women in the academic environment, and one thing that struck me was that I avoided potential relationships with the women I met, keeping most people at an arm's distance. However, after this conversation, I did an interesting experiment where I followed up on flirts with my usual bantering. It's probably interesting to point out that I've always considered myself shy, but in reality I'm anything but shy. I've been a speech and debate person for many years, and everytime I tell people I'm generally shy, people laugh at me because there's no way they would ever believe that. So, I dropped the whole shy belief thing and actually opted for a gregarious style when having conversations with women in vanilla contexts. What I discovered shocked the crap out of me because I found a lot of positive responses from women, which seemed odd because I was still around guys who kept saying they didn't know how to communicate with women, and I didn't seem to have any problems at all.
So, my question is, after a long winded run around, concerns just this. Is there really no difference between vanilla and bdsm initial interactions when trying to create a potential relationship? I ask this because I found I had little problem making a connection with someone as long as I did the same things I do in a bdsm relationship, which I believe are generally universal: Being friendly, honest, sincere, open, trusting and trustworthy, everything seemed to be fine.
As an aside to this, I remember when I was attending West Point, and the cadets would go "out on the town", which was really going out on campus to the bars that were part of the Academy. Guys that appeared really cool and the cream of the elites would be part of the crowds I would interact with and constantly it would be like a junior high school prom with the guys sitting on one side of the bar talking about how it would be great to talk to this or that girl. I never understood this. One student would always dare me to go say something to some unattainable woman, and I'd stand up, walk over and do just that. Then the other guys would hound me, asking me how it was so easy for me to do something like that. This would come from people who were always the "cool" people, something I never considered myself to be. So, I wonder if confidence and understanding that people appreciate intelligence and intelligent banter is part of the cure to this sort of problem.
Is it that much different on collarme with trying to introduce yourself to someone? Sure, we're all competing against the impossible odds that favor someone ignoring you, but if someone comes across as friendly, honest, sincere, open, trusting and trustworthy, doesn't that make a difference in how someone would respond?
|
|
|
|
