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Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/2/2007 1:27:22 PM

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I get a sense that a lot of emerging femdoms are attracted to BDSM not for what it is they are trying to fulfill (their own lust for control, the rush they get from seeing a man obey, their fetish for kink, their need for surrender -- all things core to their sensuality or sexuality), but are interested in what "being a femdom" brings to the table:

-- More attention, more of a pool of potential partners ("There seem to be so many single submissive men out there")
-- A full email box, a sense of being desired, the ability to pick and choose
-- Money, financial gain, gifts
-- The fantasy of having a man that will "do anything I want"

The questions on the Internet in the early 90s on the femdom/kink forums were more about how to define and act on desires, how to play safely, how to negotiate and communicate, how to reconcile urges and drives. Now it seems there's a contant flow of questions that really come down to, "How can I become a femdom? What do I need to do to be one? How do I "get" subs?"

Akasha

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/2/2007 1:49:42 PM

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I don't think it's anything really new- it's just the newest manifestation. The fact is that a lot of fem doms ARE women who aren't secure with their sense of selves and power and use domination as a way to hide from that.

Male doms do this all the time also.

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/2/2007 2:25:44 PM

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Some people, male and female, hid their inferiority complex behind a superiority complex. Happens all the time.

Master Fire

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/2/2007 3:07:08 PM

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On top of what others have already stated, I think that this is also due to the growth of the 'net. In all subjects I follow I have seen a much larger group of people stepping in and saying "how do I become...? How do I get...? What do I do..?".

It seems to be a case of just more people finding completely new ideas and wrestling with them in the public forum due to how widespread the net is becoming.

Whereas earlier on folks would get involved in various groups, forums, chats because they *already* had a hobby or lifestyle and were looking to mix with those of the same, nowadays more and more are learning of new hobbies and lifestyle options *because* they found the discussion locations online and are going through that initial questioning and exploring and some confusion out in front of everyone.

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/2/2007 6:57:38 PM

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My experience with fem doms has always been. They hate men. So they take out their daily frustrations on them...while beating them.
I've met very few who actually care about the male subs they play with.

There are good fem doms out there but they have always seemed to be few and far in between.

I imagine if someone comes out and says they are a fem dom they could have their pick. With few to choose from...it has got to be a rush of attention when male subs see a new one emerge.

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/2/2007 7:54:46 PM

Mysti

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I've topped and bottomed, and neither time have I done it for the goodies. One of my friends is a tribute Domme and oh its tempting when the credit card company comes calling, or student loans are due, but I cant bring myself to do it

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/2/2007 8:16:06 PM

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I've met a few femdoms who don't care for men and I've met some who don't care for anyone but themselves. I have also met male Doms who don't like women and don't care for anyone but themselves. It's not something gender specific but it does happen which is sad.

I sometimes think alot of the crazy posts we are see are from people who are just bored and want to start a ruckus because they have nothing else to do. Many of the money femdoms who post messages here I've begun to wonder if they aren't just people trying to give all femdoms a bad name.

I love and respect my sub and I would never intentionally hurt him in a bad way. I do not need tribute other than his love and devotion.

~Lashra

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/2/2007 11:34:18 PM

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quote:

my experience with fem doms has always been. They hate men. So they take out their daily frustrations on them...while beating them. I've met very few who actually care about the male subs they play with.

Wow...that's really sad. This is not the same universe and I live in and I have a hard time imagining this mentality being as widespread as you claim.

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/3/2007 4:12:01 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire
My experience with fem doms has always been. They hate men. So they take out their daily frustrations on them...while beating them.

Wow... Most of the fem doms I've encountered I've got a long rather well with... and I can even say this is true online here as well. Some of the best and more intelliegent emails exchanges I've had have been with Fem Doms... Wow....

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/3/2007 5:36:07 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

On top of what others have already stated, I think that this is also due to the growth of the 'net. In all subjects I follow I have seen a much larger group of people stepping in and saying "how do I become...? How do I get...? What do I do..?".

It seems to be a case of just more people finding completely new ideas and wrestling with them in the public forum due to how widespread the net is becoming.

Whereas earlier on folks would get involved in various groups, forums, chats because they *already* had a hobby or lifestyle and were looking to mix with those of the same, nowadays more and more are learning of new hobbies and lifestyle options *because* they found the discussion locations online and are going through that initial questioning and exploring and some confusion out in front of everyone.

I really agree with this. And they turn into complaining Dommes who don't find the requisite number of incredible subs falling at their feet with cash clutched in their fists. But it's a phase.

Love your name :)

Smythe

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/3/2007 5:49:27 AM

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But if it is for The fantasy of having a man that will "do anything I want", isn't that in itself a desire for power?

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/3/2007 6:16:50 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

I love and respect my sub and I would never intentionally hurt him in a bad way. I do not need tribute other than his love and devotion.

~Lashra

Now that is a statement I have never seen a femdom make before.
There are real ones out there.

Granted there are men who hate women as well. However more than likely due to the influx of male doms you don't run into them quite as often.

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/3/2007 6:26:37 AM

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quote:

Now that is a statement I have never seen a femdom make before.

Wow, maybe you aren't paying close attention ;) I know a ton who see things similarly. What Lasra said about her boy I could not have said any better for my own.

I do receive gifts from him. They range from books and original poetry to the occasional bigger item for xmas or just because. I also give him gifts too. I don't see it as tributing in either direction, just seeing something the other would like and picking it up as a small expression of our devotion to each other. But if I never got anything from him, his service and devotion to me would be enough.

To the OP: I think there are those who do get into it for what they can get. They will either fizzle out when the well dries up or gain exposure to the deeper issues involved with the lifestyle and get more into it for more "pure" reasons. A motivation to get into it in the first place based soley on what can be gained can sometimes lead to exploring other things until it is no longer about the original motivation. Unfortunately, there are those who are only in it to gain some tangible benefit such as money. But I also think those are pretty transparent.

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/3/2007 10:06:15 AM

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It's interesting that the phrase "femme dom" is becoming synonymous with "pro domme". Whenever I picture myself being dominant to someone, it's someone I want to touch, someone I could picture myself curling up with during aftercare. Picturing any other type of person just gives me the screaming heebies.

I know of one femme dom who is indeed a tribute domme. She justifies this by stating that there are so many submissive men out there per femme domme that payment of tribute helps to focus her attention on the truly serious along with making it worth her while. I don't believe that she expects actual payment, but having coffee being purchased and brought to her, along with toys and the like, is something that will tip the balance in her favor. "Favor" is probably a good word for it, actually -- it's as though she feels that she's doing her submissives a favor my domming them, so in exchange they need to do favors for her. Apparnetly she's not getting that much of an erotic charge out of what she does for most submissive men, so she needs something else to keep her interest up.

Granted, I like prezzies and treats as much as most people, but ... hmm. I'd rather the person got me something because they were thinking of me and just being a sweetie, not because I'd posted the equivalent of a payment schedule. Then again, I've barely had any domming experience. Who knows? If I were highly in demand, maybe I'd change my tune.

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/3/2007 10:54:16 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

My experience with fem doms has always been. They hate men. So they take out their daily frustrations on them...while beating them.
I've met very few who actually care about the male subs they play with.

While I certainly cannot disagree that this may be your experience, I have absolutely forund it not to be mine. I know and have met dozens of Dominas within several hundred miles of me, and none fit the type you describe. I am sure there are those out there who may fit the "man hater" scenario, but they are few and far between.

As to the OP, I think I would have to say that while it seems that the initial reasons/questions being offered by those asking are maybe not of the most sincere intentions. But r/t thru munches, events, or parties, I have not met more than maybe 1 or 2 that would be in it for such reasons. Maybe we are just not seeing them in those r/t situations because they are not serious enough to attend them.

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/3/2007 1:40:52 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

But if it is for The fantasy of having a man that will "do anything I want", isn't that in itself a desire for power?

It's a desire for power of a sort, but there's a difference between self-centered greed and the desire for control that exists in a power exchange relationship.

Dominatrixing (heh) has always been a good way for women to get attention for men- consider all the "sexy Bitch Goddess" costumes you always see at Halloween (God, i love Halloween

)- but it does seem like more women are trying to follow-through with that nowadays, for better or worse. i'm not sure if it's always "Hey, this is a great way to get what I want!"...i think that there is also some element of women who are trying to find themselves, so to speak, see how desireable Dommes are, and think that maybe that's what they're meant to be. So while the population of Twue Dommes is as miniscule as it ever was, the population of "maybes" has exploded as the Internet has expanded and brought in people who otherwise would never have had the interest level to learn more about D/s.

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RE: Are you faking if you do it for the goodies? - 3/3/2007 2:20:35 PM

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quote:

My experience with fem doms has always been. They hate men. So they take out their daily frustrations on them...while beating them.
I've met very few who actually care about the male subs they play with.

Wow, It's truly a shame that this seems to have been your only experience with FemDoms. I can assure you it's not at all been my experience in the least. Personally I love and adore men, their strength, their intelligence, their masculinity. There's something about bringing a strong man to his knees that makes mine weak. LOL

I've never intentionally harmed someone and I've always felt it was my responsibility as a Strong Dominant Female to help any sub I play with or consider to grow and evolve with any of their interactions with me. For everything I seem to teach I learn from it as well. Certainly that's simply my 5cents worth of opinion but it's been my experience. I can beat the hell out of man and that doesn't mean I hate him or don't care for him. I can also do it out of love and the desire for him to evolve as a submissive and grow from the lesson being learned.

quote:

There are good fem doms out there but they have always seemed to be few and far in between.

I imagine if someone comes out and says they are a fem dom they could have their pick. With few to choose from...it has got to be a rush of attention when male subs see a new one emerge.

I think that the first line says it all. Anyone can say they're a FemDom. Any female can pick up a whip or crop and wield it with force. The difference is that it doesn't necessarily make them a FemDom. That is something that's intuitive, inate, inborn. It's a part of who and what they are (in my opinion) that makes them a FemDom. I can certainly say I'm a FemDom...I was born that way and it's part of who and what I am. I can also back up my words with action, belief and ideology as well as experience and the thought process that goes along with being a FemDom. It isn't something I choose to be it's simply what I am everyday. It isn't a role I play when convenient or when I want to do so. I'm also a blonde, intelligent, female and a klutz. Again, all part of who and what I am and not something I can stop being. If that makes sense.

quote:

The questions on the Internet in the early 90s on the femdom/kink forums were more about how to define and act on desires, how to play safely, how to negotiate and communicate, how to reconcile urges and drives. Now it seems there's a contant flow of questions that really come down to, "How can I become a femdom? What do I need to do to be one? How do I "get" subs?"

Akasha

I agree that there seems to be more of this coming to the forefront. In some of the groups I've been involved with in the past this has become far more problematic. To the point where it seems to have become all it's about. "How can I take advantage of a submissive" rather than "how can I help him grow and deepen the dichotomy between FemDom and sub." It's become all too much more about "What can I get out of it" rather than the satisfaction that comes from control and service. Sad and frustrating when it results in experiences like sub4hires or others I've spoken with that were simply used/taken advantage of for their desire to serve and provide rather than cherished for their ability/desire to serve.

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She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
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Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

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