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Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 6:05:20 AM

missturbation

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I'm not quite sure where this is going to go or even if i have a question at the end of it but the need to get this out, to feel like i've talked to someone has become too strong an urge to ignore.
When i first joined cm i was extremely naive and had no clue about what i wanted, where i was going, who i really was! Over time and with help from many friends and posters on here i've grown and lived and learnt (cliche i know) and gradually i've found my niche, my comfort zone within me.
I've got to know some incredible people here but three in particular really touched my heart. The first it just wasn't meant to be, time, distance, 'life getting in the way of life' as someone i know says. He's remained a good friend though and i hope he always will be.
The second was right there for me after the initial 'crash and burn' of the first and we built a good strong friendship. Looking back he took my pain away, he i thought healed all the hurt i felt and slowly but surely i fell and we moved our relationship on. Over the past several months it grew and grew, i made plans to go to him and i thought nothing would come between us. How wrong can a girl be!!
Plans for me to visit the USA were continually being put off due to lack of funds on my part and i was growing ever more frustrated and lonely and trying to hide from the truth that was creeping into my head. However much i thought of him i was becoming ever more sure that a part of what i felt had been the rebound of my first relationship. I was fighting with myself daily, trying to find equanimity to sift through my thoughts and hunt the truth down.
In the meantime someone came along that brought the truth right home to me and no matter what happens i will always be grateful for that. He made me feel alive again, he searched my soul without any effort and i found myself being more honest with this man than i had been with anyone. Probably more honest than id ever been with myself even. And so i found myself in dilemma city, what to do?
I fought with myself for days over what was the right course of action to take and finally told the second that i was talking with someone else and that we were extremely close. I didnt tell the original guy, big mistake i know. I grew closer and closer to the second guy and knew where my heart lay but i didnt have the balls to tell the first guy that 'life had got in the way of life' and things had changed. I know what some of you are probably thinking of me right now and believe me i feel crap about it.
It came to a head though and i confessed all to the first guy and he reacted angrily, what did i expect in know! He was so angry and hurtful and yes i deserved it but i had honestly never had the intention of hurting anyone. He basically told me to never speak to him again and i havent since. I miss him terribly and i am so sorry for what i did but i cant change it no matter how much i wish i could turn back time and do things differently.
It doesnt end there though, as if !! The second guy spoke to the first and this is where it becomes confusing and a little unknown to me. I had been honest with the second guy about the first but somewhere in their convo the second guy must have heard things he didnt like or thought i hadnt told him. He came to me saying he needed time to look at things and would speak to me sometime soon about it. I was angry and hurt as it appeared to me that the first guy must have been slagging me off as i believe i told the second guy everything he needed to know and at the time he had accepted what i said. I asked him that no matter what he was told he would talk it through with me and he said he would. He hasnt yet but i have no doubt he will, i trust him implicitly. Its become like an itch i cant scratch though and as the days go by im losing all faith that this can be resolved in any shape or form.
Yes i made big mistakes in the way i handled the situations and i will always regret the hurt i caused anyone in this, but i never intentionally set out to play anyone, hurt anyone, decieve anyone. Doesnt everyone make mistakes, to err is human after all? It doesnt make me a bad person because i handled a situation badly does it?
Maybe it does and maybe all i can take away from this is a lesson learned however painful and hard that may be. Perhaps i am deserving of all i get from this.

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 6:12:19 AM

nissa

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I can understand your frustration, anger, fear...all of it. I have inadvertently hurt others also, though not in the same vein as yourself. The important thing to remember is that though you made mistakes, you learn from them and apply the new knowledge to your actions in the future. It's hard to be honest sometimes, especially when you know that your honesty may cause another pain; it is something that you agonize over endlessly.

I can tell you though that the what-if's will consume you. You have accepted responsibility for your actions to both; now it's time to move forward a bit. Take what you have learned from this and think long and hard about it.

I hope that things do work out for you with this other person. If you feel like talking on the other side, shoot me an email. Sometimes having a stranger act as a sounding board can be helpful.

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 6:22:11 AM

JerseyKrissi72

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You didn't mean to hurt him; life gets in the way sometimes...Matters of the heart are so difficult as is- Sis, you are a good woman and if you ever need someone to talk to I'm only a click away. Remember, none of us are perfect- we all make mistakes- you must forgive yourself and move on-- much happiness is in your future.(hugs)

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 6:24:52 AM

LadyEllen

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What nissa said

E

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 6:31:33 AM

ONEDEMANDINGMSTR

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We all make mistakes in this life. Sometimes we're misled, other times we make unfounded assumptions. And sometimes we just do dumb things!!!!! 'Tis unfortunate that we're human and have feelings. But then we couldn't have fun either, if we weren't human. Just think how boring life would be if we knew everything would turn out just fine.........smile
I know this is painful for you, and blaming yourself is your only choice. But just remember, an alligator never tucks his tail!!!!
I know, it didn't make any sense but maybe it brought a smile...............and that's what you need, at this point.
Life will proceed and carry you along with it.........all the pains/pleasures/sorrows and foibles will be felt and and you'll grow.
Best of luck and try not to kick yourself any more..........

1DEMANDING

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 6:31:37 AM

missturbation

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Thank you nissa, krissi and lady E. Im pretty sure ill take you up on the mailing you on the other side, i need to talk this out
I think im having a brain freeze today as i could have sworn i posted this in ask a sub lol. maybe it was moved *shrugs*

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 6:35:28 AM

missturbation

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Thank you - a little hard not to kick myself at the moment but im pretty sure i'll come out the other side just fine eventually. A little more scarred than maybe i was before but lesson well and truly learnt.

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What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 6:51:21 AM

adaddysgirl

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Something similar happened to me once. i was talking to a guy for a few months but for some reason, the topic of meeting kept getting waylaid. i mean, it was an LDR so plans have to be made well ahead of time, particularly if flying. But whenever the subject seemed to start to come up, it just never seemed to go any further.

Meanwhile, another guy wrote me and although i really wasn't looking to start a second intimate conversation, well, one thing led to another and before you know it, guy number two was asking to talk on the phone. i really didn't like doing this but i'll tell ya, something with the second one did seem to click.

Well before i knew it, the second one was talking about making a plan to meet, while number one was still dragging his feet. In short, i did tell number one about number two and that actually ended that relationship (and although i did end up meeting the second one, it didn't last....so go figure....lol).

Anyhoo, we all make mistakes....and sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Hopefully you'll get it resolved soon so you can either move on or try to salvage, or whatever. But one thing i would never do...and that is give one doms name to the other. i really wouldn't want them talking "around" me....particularly if one is pissed off. That just smells of doom to me.

So try to have faith that whatever results, is most likely for the best. You said that you learned a lesson....i guess that's the most any of us can do. Best wishes with it.

DG

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 7:11:48 AM

missturbation

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Meanwhile, another guy wrote me and although i really wasn't looking to start a second intimate conversation, well, one thing led to another and before you know it, guy number two was asking to talk on the phone. i really didn't like doing this but i'll tell ya, something with the second one did seem to click.
Mine started off as harmless flirting that i guess became not so harmless. I have / had a connection with the second guy too and i cant escape it and dont even really want to try.
But one thing i would never do...and that is give one doms name to the other.
They are friends of sorts so the inevitable was they would probably end up discussing it.
i really wouldn't want them talking "around" me....particularly if one is pissed off. That just smells of doom to me.
Tell me about it! Although i dont actually know what has been said yet but figure it has been bad if time and space to think things through is needed.
So try to have faith that whatever results, is most likely for the best. You said that you learned a lesson....i guess that's the most any of us can do. Best wishes with it.
Im holding on in there and lessons learnt are always valuable i guess.
Thank you x

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What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 7:44:30 AM

Aileen68

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Hindsight is 20/20. It's easy to look at the end result and the path that got you there and say that you should have, would have, could have. In reality, we make the best choices that we can based on our feelings and the info that we have at the time. They aren't always the best, but they are the best at the moment they are made.

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 8:05:38 AM

MasterFireMaam

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Yes, everyone makes mistakes. No, it doesn't make you a bad person, it simply means you acted like one. However, they have the right to react to your actions in any way they deem appropriate (short of illegal stuff).

Your job is to learn from the situation. What have you learned?

Master Fire

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/7/2007 8:11:19 AM

missturbation

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Aileen - the ole shudda wudda cudda, if i had a penny for everytime ive uttered those words, well....... im sure you know the rest lol.

Materfiremaam - I accept that they have every right to react in any way they see fit to the situation i created. I created it, i have to wallow in it!
I'm still analysing the whole thing and learning where i went wrong so not finished learning from it yet.

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What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: Hard lesson to learn !! - 3/9/2007 6:13:01 AM

enslavemenightly

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I don't think you deserve 'all you get from this'. Taking what you say at face value you never meant to cause the bad situation you have. It's very easy to look back and know what should have been done or said in any given scenario. In my opinion that is a waste of time, you need to concentrate on what you can do to ensure 'damage limitation'. The first guy may never speak to you again but in my experience he will probably calm down and knowing you as you say he does realise you never intentionally set out to hurt or decieve him. The second guy, well just give him the space he needs and be ready to talk to him when hes ready to converse with you. Give him the time and space needed, if its meant to be he will talk this through with you and you'll work something out.

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