Talking to Vanilla People (Full Version)

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loyalsubb -> Talking to Vanilla People (3/29/2005 2:32:25 PM)

I am fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle. I was recently offered a training collar and am learning a lot about my relationship and this lifestyle every day. Here's my question: I would like to know if anyone has any suggestions on how to tell your vanilla friends/family about this lifestyle choice. I'm really excited about this new journey and want to share it with others, just not sure the best way to do that. I don't want to confuse them or mislead them in what it's all about.

Thanks for your input--Loyalsubb



fencerpet19 -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/29/2005 2:54:14 PM)

Oh good question. I've had successes and failures in trying to explain this to my friends. One of them fully accepts it as my choice (disagrees with it herself, but can see how I feel about it) the other hates the fact that I'm into such things and tries to change my mind about it. You'll get a wide range of reactions to it.

I start off by explaining how I have always felt this way, and it's not something new. It's been with me for as far back as I can remember but I only just found out that there's people who share my feelings. I'm masochistic, so I explain that, and make a point of saying that it's also something that has always been with me and I never was abused or anything as a child.

Most vanillas will just never understand why we get pleasure out of this lifestyle, but accept that it's just a personal taste. Aside from explaining why we chose it, you should, obviously, explain what it is. Perhaps give them a few websites to visit if they want to learn more. Tell them about how it's a very equal relationship, even though one person seems to have complete control over the other. (subs can stop a scene at any time with a safeword, and Doms are very in touch with the needs of their sub, etc.)

In the end, they will never be that enthusiastic about it (unless they're kinky too and didn't know it lol) and will most likely just smile and nod. It's very difficult and but I hope this helps! Have a good one!
~FP



Kiaban -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/29/2005 3:14:30 PM)

great advise already!
if that doesn't work beat em with a flogger until they see it your way!
*grins*



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/29/2005 3:33:57 PM)

First, this is a lot like the coming out process that homosexuals have to deal with as well.

Secondly, make sure that you are prepared to handle questions and reactions that might come at you. Sometimes they might be ok with it, sometimes they might be confused, or angry or worried or other things- make sure you can handle whatever is going to be thrown at you.

Next, decide whether you think they are ready for you to come out to them. I'm out to my sister but not to my mother. I doubt I ever will come out t my mom. It's not so much about my own privacy, but about her comfort level. I don't need her to know about me being owned property in order for my relationship to be healthy with her.

Next, on a person by person basis, pick good timing. Holidays are not good. If you're telling casual friends, then do it at a party or some place where youa re being casual. If you are telling a best friend or relative, leave privacy and space to talk.

Your OWN attitude will shine through more than anything you actually say. Keep it simple, keep it generic, keep it nilla-friendly at first, and show that you are happy with this choice. Make sure that you project an attitude of confidence and sincerity. They don't have to understand the relationship as long as they understand it makes you happy.

And give it time. Coming out is a PROCESS, it rarely happens all in one bunch. The more practice you get at coming out, the easier it gets.



Blk4u2 -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/29/2005 4:50:57 PM)

I could never tell my family about this. I would never tell my mother anyway. Just because I don't feel that it's any of my business. However I am very comfortable talking to friends about this, and have found myself lately trying to visually point out submissive or potentially submissive people. I'm sure some will tell me it's stupid, but its fun.



MidnightWriter -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/29/2005 5:04:56 PM)

Okay - for purposes of explaining d/s to 'nillas, I've always used:

"It's basically a return to 1950's style marriage - like Ozzie and Harriet."

That doesn't exactly cover the dynamic, but from outside, they look similar - assuming, of course, that you're in a maledom m/f relationship.



brightspot -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/29/2005 5:09:18 PM)

Hello loyalsubb.

My thoughts are...That I understand your excitement.
When we are learning and everything is so new, it is very
hard not to want to shout it to the world.

I would say to wait and think about this for awhile and slow down.
Let the excitement wane a bit, so that you have your wits about you
to make wise decisions. A lot of Vanilla people will not understand this,
even and most often people, out of ignorance, who are close to you and
love you.

I would just enjoy what I am experiencing and talk with like minded
people for a time....Let yourself settle a bit into the life, allowing you
to process how and who you let in on your new found happiness and
to be able do that with dignity and from a place that however one reacts,
you will be ready for it.

Good Luck...*brightspot



AAkasha -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/29/2005 5:36:58 PM)

The biggest thing you need to ask yourself is this -- is it really necessary to tell vanilla people? Does that include coworkers and even casual friends?

Do you know what goes on in *their* bedrooms?

I am "out" to my closest friends and family and most business aquaintances, but I didn't make a big announcement or anything, just over time people might notice something or make a joke and I'd shrug it off and not deny it. It's not that big of a deal. But, that's because I don't *appear* kinky in my outward daily life.

Is it your intent to behave in BDSM role in public? In front of your family at a dinner? Do you want them to accept it?

If a gay or lesbian couple came out to their parents they still probably wouldn't be making out in front of them or talking about the intimate parts of their sex life at the dinner table.

If you decide to tell people you've become a part of "the bdsm community" or decided you are slave, submissive, switch, whatever -- you open the door for a lot of confusion and perhaps others thinking, "Why do I even need to hear about this?"

Think it all through very carefully, as it can impact your interpersonal relationships and employment for years to come.

Akasha



Shayna -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/29/2005 7:37:18 PM)

My advice is to tread lightly. It's very exciting when you discover a new aspect of yourself and it's natural to want to share that with those you care about. But I agree with Akasha and others; think about the other persons' comfort level and ability to deal with this new revelation. I lived with a female partner in my 30's and there was no way I would have hidden the nature of my relationship from anyone in my life; but I see that differently than being attracted/turned on by boys that are submissive to me. I share that part of my relationships with friends that are interested and comfortable. I have no desire to tell family members and I *know* they have no desire to hear about it. I"m sure they'd deal with it if I told them, but what would be the point? I'd suggest to consider your motivation in telling people; sometimes it's not worth the alienation you may experience with those that you are close to.




EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/29/2005 7:58:55 PM)

I agree when it comes to casual friends, co-workers, family acquaintances, etc.

But when it comes to my close friends and loved ones, I wouldn't think it would be right to keep things like this from them. This is ME after all, not only do they deserve to know ALL of who I am, but I don't think I could be their good friend if I didn't feel secure enough to share all of who I am with them.

I feel sad for people who have close friends but don't feel they can be honest with them.



Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/29/2005 8:03:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

If you decide to tell people you've become a part of "the bdsm community" or decided you are slave, submissive, switch, whatever -- you open the door for a lot of confusion and perhaps others thinking, "Why do I even need to hear about this?"

Think it all through very carefully, as it can impact your interpersonal relationships and employment for years to come.

Akasha

I think it's natural when we finally embrace the realiy of who we are that we want to shout it from the rooftops...but this is not something that should be done rashly.
I agree, sexuality is a private issue and my co-workers and family would rather not be informed, just as I don't want to hear all the details about their intimate lives...so pick who and what you tell very carefully.
All my friends know, because I refuse to have people in my life who are not openminded, and as they love me they trust that I am doing what is right for me. Slowly, little by little, they have come to treat it as just another aspect of who I am.

Just remember, in the words of Jay Wiseman who wrote SM101, "You can't un-tell".

Good luck with your decisions.



MsLisa -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/30/2005 7:27:06 AM)

Congratulations on your discoveries and your feelings of acceptence. If you are like most you are actively pursing a lifestyle you've already been living in some sense. You might be expressing it in new ways and using new definitions but its YOUR life.

Telling friends you are in a great relationship that makes you feel complete is pretty straight forward. Telling them something like, I slept naked in chains last night at the foot of the bed after being denied an orgasm for 2 hours, isn't going to do you or them any good. I have many good friends who I might discuss their relationships in general (eg. Tim was a Butthead last night) but not neccessarily in specifics sexually (eg.Tim was a Butthead last night, he asked me to call him dirty names as he licked me, he came and then went to sleep and I was all worked up). I don't discuss every part of my life with every friend I have.

Its not being dishonest with them if you don't share ever aspect of the relationship or dynamics of the relationship with them. Simply its just not needed to express your excitiment of your discoveries. Sometimes there really is TMI (too much information). What will be interesting is when you find out a friend has similar interests!

Personally, I'm "out" to pretty much anyone who knows me in some sense or another. Its not that they know what I enjoy doing or how I enjoy it they just know that I enjoy something a little different than they do. If I am questioned on it (this answer shut my mother up) I just reply, whatever you do behind your bedroom door or what ever gets you excited is kinky/repulsive/horrible/exciting/a turn on to someone else. If someone shows sincere interest I am more than happy to delve into the power exchange aspect but otherwise, as long as they accept me why worry too much about it?

How I told my mother: We were watching a movie, John Wayne in "The Quiet Man". The whole spanking scene came up, my mother said something about how I wouldn't like a man like that, I laughed saying something that I'd like a man who bent over for it....later we talked a bit.

Since I go to several large BDSM events a year as a vendor its not like I'm going to hide it from my parents (my father is my biggest critic, he thinks I suck at drawing hands). Heck, even my mechanic is aware of it simply because my truck was loaded with my artwork and some of it wouldn't fit in the boxes when I had my oil changed. Most who find out show a brief interest in it and then forget about it and treat me the same as they did before.

Enjoy your life. Share the aspects of it that you have in common with your friends. Good luck on your journey!

Lisa



srahfox -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/30/2005 7:55:23 AM)

I would have to say just tread lightly and be smart. Most of my close friends know, simply because They are so close there is no way for them not to know. But most of them don't know the details. Occationally they will ask and I will tell them as best I can what they want to know. Everyone has been, for the most part, really good about it. I've found most people feel wierd and uncomfortable when you just jump up and say "Hey! Guess what! My Husband ties me up and flogges me and I no longer have control over my orgasms!" I never found that I really had to tell most people, it just slowly came out.
Oddly I have seen the aftermath of someone telling the whole world. I have a friend who has gone around telling people and several of those people have come to me complaining that, while they don't care what she is into, they don't want the details and didn't need to know everything she's told them.
Really just be smart about it, there are people that really just don't need to know. Why tell Uncle Joe you only see once a year? He never sees you walking around in a collar to ask and you will just make him uncomfortable and perhapes worried about something that doesn't have anything to do with him.



ruffnecksbabygir -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/30/2005 8:35:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

First, this is a lot like the coming out process that homosexuals have to deal with as well.

Secondly, make sure that you are prepared to handle questions and reactions that might come at you. Sometimes they might be ok with it, sometimes they might be confused, or angry or worried or other things- make sure you can handle whatever is going to be thrown at you.

Next, decide whether you think they are ready for you to come out to them. I'm out to my sister but not to my mother. I doubt I ever will come out t my mom. It's not so much about my own privacy, but about her comfort level. I don't need her to know about me being owned property in order for my relationship to be healthy with her.

Next, on a person by person basis, pick good timing. Holidays are not good. If you're telling casual friends, then do it at a party or some place where youa re being casual. If you are telling a best friend or relative, leave privacy and space to talk.

Your OWN attitude will shine through more than anything you actually say. Keep it simple, keep it generic, keep it nilla-friendly at first, and show that you are happy with this choice. Make sure that you project an attitude of confidence and sincerity. They don't have to understand the relationship as long as they understand it makes you happy.

And give it time. Coming out is a PROCESS, it rarely happens all in one bunch. The more practice you get at coming out, the easier it gets.


Great Advice!!



spliffsmum -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/30/2005 12:21:09 PM)

I came out to my birth mother earlier this year - we met when I was 37, 4 years ago and she was absolutely fine about it. A couple of close friends and my lodger (!) also know but I would never tell my adoptive parents (we're not close) or colleagues/casual friends; I think it's unneccessary and would probably embarrass them....



proudsub -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/30/2005 12:30:25 PM)

It's been mentioned on these boards before to be very careful who you tell because in some states you could lose your kids (if you have any) or someone could report your partner for abuse, especially if you are bruised.



RiotGirl -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/31/2005 9:28:10 PM)

Heck, i told my mother even before i had met Master. Just driving down the road with her one day with her..... Dunno what prompted it. But her MAIN concern was "He isnt a sadomasochist?" is he? i think i chuckled and said....... no he isnt a Sadist. <GRINS> Though i did find out later he IS. Memory isnt so good, so i have no clue what i actually said to her. i think i brought up the difference of dominance and submissive.. and did she know that i always dated Dominant men? And i think i went into the WHOLE topic of dominant people and submissive.. and how i guess i suppose i was always submissive.. and so on.

She respects it.......... but doesnt want to hear anything else about it. As long as it makes me happy. Though it is kind of nice that she knows a teeny bit. Makes things easier for her to accept. She knows i'm a late owl and i have a young daughter so she's always telling me what a good idea it is to go to bed early. Sometimes i tell her, Dont worry (yes i use his name with her) He has me going to bed at so and so time. Or that when he goes to bed i go to bed. Which is the case tonight = )

THE best thing was my mother looked in one of my bags once and ~~~ Wondered what all that leather stuff is?

Though she didnt want me to explain it.

Other people, good and bad reactions. Always had friends in the scene for 8 plus years. so it was easy to tell them. Others i've had tell me its a sickness. That i was sick. They have learned that if they WANT to be my friend still, they can respectfully keep their opionons to themselves as i will keep it to myself. Others are happy for me.

Havent told my brother........... but i'm sure it will be fun. My sister just chalks it up to me being me. As i've always been the crazy/wierd/black sheep of the family. Other friends i just try and blatanly convert.

i DO wonder what my father would think. As he is a Dom with out knowing it. Heck, he dominants the whole family. No one tells him no, and no one disagrees......... except of course me. Master thinks, he SHOULD know abit about it, being that he just recently left paris. Marcus De Sade. i DO wonder what his reaction would be. i'm sure it would be if it makes me happy, and i am doing well thats just fine. <grins> it'd be interesting to tell the men of my family. As they all tend to have a dominant personality.




RiotGirl -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (3/31/2005 9:37:50 PM)

Oh yah and i told my grandmother too = )

She's kind of a horny old lady....... <shrugs> i havent finished the whole topic with her as she told me it was abit overwhelming and she had to go to bed. Then of course my grandfather passed away so the topic hasnt been gone back too.

thinking about it.. as i just emailed my brother to find if he knew already.. my family LOVES to gossip so hmmmmm maybe they all know already?

My cousin in Cali knows and thinks its great.

Just be positive and firm and sure in your choice and who you are. there isnt ANYTHING wrong with it, dont let others tell you there is. Remember alot of people have bad ideas about the scene let them know there are GOOD things about it. i usually focus on how wonderful and beautiful it is, how much more intense and how much deeper the honesty and commitment is. And how many vanilla guys take the time to learn everything they can about you?



FuriousAngel -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (4/1/2005 4:35:06 AM)

My first post - the topic inspired me - not really 'advice' just something to think about.

I recently underwent a situation where I experienced an 'emergency' of sorts in this lifestyle and needed r/t help. I ended up calling my mom and lying to her about my predicament. She thought I was visiting 'friends'. This was very awkward, not to mention terrifying for her as I was in another country at the time.

I never felt so isolated in my entire life as I did in the two days travel alone in a state of turmoil back to Canada. Thankfully, I had a couple of friendships made online that kept in touch with me via phone on my way home, but it was not the same. I needed a real friend - someone I shared history with.

I realized that never again will I allow that to happen to me. A month after returning home and gathering my 'emotional surroundings' I called my best lady friend (vanilla) and invited her out for dinner. I let her know I had something important to discuss with her in advance. I shared my lifestyle choices with her that night.

She was baffled and shocked, but understanding and as always, supportive of me. I now have a trusted r/t friend out there that I can turn to if I ever need help again. She is the only one I've taken this step with. I have one trump card out there. Now, I've got my focus on making r/t friendships WITHIN the lifestyle. *s*



GddssBella -> RE: Talking to Vanilla People (4/1/2005 7:39:03 AM)

G'morning all:

Thought I'd amuse everyone with some irony. I'm "out" to my mother. I'm an only child & my mother is my last surviving relative. When I made my announcement to her, she took it in stride without missing a beat. Her only concern is that I am happy with whatever choices I make in my life. One day, we're browsing a $.99 store. I'm in one aisle while she's in another. She walks over to me with a blue plastic fly swatter. Swishing it through the air several times, she asks with a gleeful grin "Can you use this?". I nearly peed myself, laughing so hard. The other patrons all gave us funny looks as we were giggling maniacally. Needless to say, it came home with me.

On the flip side, I came out to a vanilla friend that I've dated off & on for years. He's probably the coolest guy I've ever known, we finish each others' sentences & rarely do we ever argue, he was one of the most openminded souls I thought I knew. When I told him, he acted liked I'd turned colors & was speaking in tongues. He thought that this was a new found discovery. I informed him that I had repressed it around him due to respect but was unable to lie to myself any longer. While he may respect my proclivity, he now avoids me. As if I stopped being the wonderful person he's known for so long. Just goes to show, eh?

My point? You can never judge a person's reaction prior to the declaration. I'm just lucky. My mom is totally unconcerned with ~how~ I'm happy, just so long as I am. My alternate tastes are known at my job. It's something of a long standing joke. Being an easygoing person, I roll with the punches. When someone asks me something in sincere curiousity, I tell them in a very matter of fact tone & explain my reasons concisely, precisely without specifics. Detailing explicit scenes might get me brought up on E.E.O. charges. Being in a male dominated profession has it's advantages. There's a lot more clowning around, flirtation, inuendo, rough housing, etc. than is found in the private sector. Just be careful. My situation is rather unique. Discretion for your particular situation may be advisable.


Stay safe all, play nice, & share your toys w/ others....


[:D]


Bella



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