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"House Rules" - do you have any? What are they? - 3/7/2007 5:47:13 PM   
SusanofO


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The man I am meeting next week wanted me to think about kinds of "House rules" I'd be comfortable with.

Admittedly, (to both of us), we'd have to know eachother much better to ever agree to be in a 24/7 relationship, but we both have a problem with situations where the "rules" are either too vaugue to really be enforceable (as in "Respect other people") or else are made up on the spur-of-the-moment by the Dominant, so he can "punish" a submissive, when she (or he) really hasn't broken a rule (because she didn't know it existed, or he or she lacked the foresight to think of making it an explicit rule, when it perhaps should have been obvious the situation in question could have posed a problem, before then).

I am not sure I can do this at all, without knowing someone better, but will give it a shot. For instance, I know I am a semi "neat freak" and just hate a sloppy environment, and so I suppose one of mine might be:

*"Do dishes (the submissive person) within an hour after eating, unless there is a good reason that prevents this" (company is present, and they need to be entertained, and to excuse oneself to do dishes and clean the kitchen for an hour might be construed as rude by them, etc. If it wouldn't be construed as rude, or would be seen as "nuetral", then go ahead and do the dishes)."

Because I hate also fighting, and angry people, another of mine would probably be:

*"No screaming (either person) if you are angry at someone"  - if you are so angry you cannot control your temper, leave the vicinity until you cool down".
- I'd think  this would be obvious, but am taking nothing for granted, as far as that goes, on either end.

Another I guess would be *If you ask me to learn a new task, you must give me a reasonable length of time in which to learn it, either based on your past experience with me, or from reading or asking about how long it has taken others to learn it." 

My question, then is: If you live together, with your partner(s),  or if you visit your partner and spedn substantial amounts of time in their house or apartment (or vice-versa), what are your "house rules" - if you have them?

Just wondering. Thanks for any replies.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/7/2007 6:00:17 PM >


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RE: "House Rules" in a relationship - do you ... - 3/7/2007 6:08:16 PM   
mstrjx


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I really don't wish to be unhelpful, but it might turn out that way.

Nearly all of my relationships have been live-in.  Even the one's that weren't were 'committed' with a solid D/s foundation.

Thus, any 'rules' were really part of the structure of either my 'preferences' or just part of the dynamic itself.  As far as preferences, many of them are 'taste' sorts of things, likes/dislikes in clothes, makeup, etc.  Yes, I consider myself a guy with actual TASTE.  (Of course, it's 'my' taste, but even so....)

I know you are just getting started with this relationship, not having formally solidified yet, and it seems you are both being careful in your approach.  Aren't 'rules', other than a few superficial 'testing the waters' types of things, slightly premature?

If it were me, I would let my instincts take over, which are usually pretty good.  I might be slightly conservative here (since I wouldn't want to screw this up), and take a little risk there.  But I would drive.  If it works, it's all on me (or 'him', in this case).  You become (possibly) surprised and hopefully impressed.  This puts you in the position of being an observer, to an extent, until something 'happens'.  Then you react from there.

I'm assuming of course that you feel your risk is sufficiently diminished.  If so, watch and listen and see what happens.  Let him set the tone.  From what I gather from you and your posts over the past year, that's probably what you would like, anyway.

You'll be fine.

Jeff

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RE: "House Rules" in a relationship - do you ... - 3/7/2007 6:14:45 PM   
SusanofO


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I agee with you, but he has what I consider sound reasoning. His contention is that if a submissive has some input into any "house rules" she is that much more likely to obey them, and he reserved the right to say "I don't like that rule, we aren't going to institute it." I think he just wanted to perhaps get a feel for what I consider truly offensive and intolerable, maybe, as far as potentially being in a 24-7 relationship.

But it could be viewed as premature, and am not sure I feel equipped to tackle the topic. On the other hand, it could be impetus for some discussion of our commonalities and dislikes, etc., which I view as a good thing.

*In all fairness, I mentioned the other day to him, how unfair I think some Doms I read about, come off, for enforcing a rule they make up on the spur-of-the-moment, if there are dire consequences for the submissive, if she (or he) probably would have not broken it, had they (the submissive) known it was offensive to do so. Maybe he is just trying to put me at ease in thinking he will not be unreasonable.

I didn't intend to make any obnoxious rules such as "If you make a new rule, I don't ever have to agree to it" (after-if he's instituted basic house rules).

But, I suppose some submissives might do that (or be tempted to.do it) Just like some Dominants can make up rules alll the time based on whims, or their temper, without considering thye effect on a submissive - when a submissive (in my view) has a right to know what the "rules" are, (or at least basic ones) before agreeing to a 24-7 situation.    

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/7/2007 6:48:24 PM >


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RE: "House Rules" in a relationship - do you ... - 3/7/2007 6:17:07 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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I'd say "No rules, just right."

Don't worry about rules, just be together and do what feels right.  As long as everyone is happy, relaxed and polite, it shouldn't matter.  This is a first date for you guys, not the time to start making or even thinking about house rules at all.

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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 6:21:44 PM   
blushingflower


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I think you want to consider not so much what rules you want, but rather what kinds of rules you'd want.  Do you like lots of rules, or just general guidelines? Do you want rules about chores, or only about sex?  Do you want specific punishments lined up for breaking specific rules (e.g. If dishes aren't done on schedule, the submissive may not eat off a plate at the next meal).  Do you want them written down?
It's too early to come up with what rules you'd have specifically, I think, since they depend so much on the needs and wants of both people, and on what's practical. 


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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 6:26:45 PM   
mstrjx


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I think part of the thrill of 'getting to know you' is the simple things.  If I were you, I wouldn't want to feel like I want to have that much input.  You'll see why in a moment.

It all starts with some little simple instruction.  'We're going out to eat.  Don't wear 'that', wear 'this'.

Oh, a preference.  (He cares.)  How do I 'feel' about what he's said?  How did it come across?  Am I starting to feel some sort of little tug of compulsion (which I assume is what you want to get from him, that he's 'commanding' and you're 'obeying' and it feels good, right)?  Is this someone I can look up to, respect?

It just goes from there.

I'm all for learning what a submissive likes and how she thinks and whatever information I can glean, directly or (more probably) indirectly, but it just seems to me that even in the early stages he has to prove his worth as a dominant to you.  It 'has' to be his show, and it has to be a show that you want to see for things to progress.

This isn't chest-pounding 'I don't need you' stuff.  I personally see setting a different sort of tone as being preferable, to both of you.  I'll reiterate I understand that if he values you and making things right that he wants to be careful.  I personally would choose to be more proactive than you are making it sound.

Jeff

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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 6:26:46 PM   
SusanofO


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I agree w/the replies, so far and appreciate the feed-back (even if I don't always agree w/any replies - so please feel free to reply, anyone). LA: You're right, IMO.

mstrjax: Yeah, I know what you mean. I do trust him to not go "over-board" too (but then again, don't know him all that well). This could be interesting....I, too think it is exciting to be "surprised" by what someone prefers, and do I guess, definitely consider it all part of the "get to know you" process.

blushing flower: I don't mind explicit rules, or even quite a few of them, although I'd be boggled down with pages of them, and also challenged to probably remember them all. Good point.

I am still simply curious at how people arrive at any rules they have if in a 24-7, aside from the Dominant saying: "It's my way - I make all rules." Do you discuss it with your submissive before-hand, or just go with what you think would be good for her-him, or you only, or both of you, or what?  
 
If there is a question about who the rule is really most good for, I am assuming the Dominant's preferences are considered first? (I have no objection to this, btw - as long as I really "know" a lot about the other person (and therefore really do trust their judgment).
 
But - what about at the beginning, when you don't really know someone all that well? I know some folks have good intuition - do they just go with that, as mstrjax suggested?


Please don't mis-understand - I am not saying here I think the submissive should "make the rules" (I'm not. I do want the Dominant to make the rules)I am wondering about how Dominants in particular (and subs) view a sub's input into the process, is all, if it exists - especially at the beginning, maybe.  

Thanks. 

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/7/2007 6:52:10 PM >


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And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: "House Rules" in a relationship - do you ... - 3/7/2007 6:27:25 PM   
DiurnalVampire


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We have rules out of necessity.

Rule #1: Make sure both people know if there is a time limit to be observed. Angel has to be back on campus for classes most days, and I often have work so we have to make sure we dont run late unless we can both afford to.

Rule #2: If there is a reason (medical, emotional) that certain play has to be avoided you tell the other right away. He and I both have a score of medical issues that might be playing up on any day, and with our stress levels we have to watch moods and such.

Rule #3: If you make the mess, you clean the mess.  I live in the apartment alone, if he coks, he cleans dishes. If I cook, he helps with the dishes... things like that.

Rule #4: No answering the cell phone unless we both know the call was expected ahead of time.

Beyond that, there really arent house rules.  There are some rules that I have for him that have to do with how he dresses when he is here, and things like that.   Those are between he and I, and they have nothing to do specificaly with house rules. Just personal preference.

Other rules are just common sense.  Things like dont get into personal attacks if we argue.  No yelling, no matter what. AND no sceneing when we are emotinally riled up.

Hope that helps
DV 

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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 6:28:17 PM   
DragonXPhoenix


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If you use the last of the TP, replace the roll.  There, I said it....we have found my hard limit. 

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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 6:31:15 PM   
SusanofO


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DiurnalVampire: Those rules you listed make lots of sense to me. I am going to refer to these when I make my own list (because I do agree with them).

DragonPhoenix: Yeah! One of my pet peeves, too. Not a deal-breaker, for sure, but can be mildly annoying, hehe (I've done it myself, too).

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/7/2007 6:34:09 PM >


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That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 6:57:00 PM   
FelinePersuasion


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We do not have house rules, when we do they'll be simple hygenic keep things  running smooth rule. No leaving wet laundry in the washer till it dries on its own, that leads to moldy smelling stinky clothing.

Change dish drainer rags once a week, so the above stink don't happen. DO NOT leave dirty dish washing water in the sink drain sink immediatly. Leaving it in the sink makes the kitchen stink promotes mold growth under the matts and is plain nasty to put your hands into.


Dishrags will be changed as needed and dried out after every dish washing, because sitting around wet makes them smell nasty.

I will no longer be allowed to leave dishes and trash to pile up in our room like I do here when it's just me.

My mom currently does all the stuff on the list, and it's nasty and gross and she always has, and sometimes personally you don't catch it in time, and it makes me so irritated to get a clean glass and it REEKS! or a clean towl and it reeks, So James and I have agree'd that those conditions w/ill not be going on in our home.

So there you have it, not exciting, but practical as all get out lol.
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

The man I am meeting next week wanted me to think about kinds of "House rules" I'd be comfortable with.

Admittedly, (to both of us), we'd have to know eachother much better to ever agree to be in a 24/7 relationship, but we both have a problem with situations where the "rules" are either too vaugue to really be enforceable (as in "Respect other people") or else are made up on the spur-of-the-moment by the Dominant, so he can "punish" a submissive, when she (or he) really hasn't broken a rule (because she didn't know it existed, or he or she lacked the foresight to think of making it an explicit rule, when it perhaps should have been obvious the situation in question could have posed a problem, before then).

I am not sure I can do this at all, without knowing someone better, but will give it a shot. For instance, I know I am a semi "neat freak" and just hate a sloppy environment, and so I suppose one of mine might be:

*"Do dishes (the submissive person) within an hour after eating, unless there is a good reason that prevents this" (company is present, and they need to be entertained, and to excuse oneself to do dishes and clean the kitchen for an hour might be construed as rude by them, etc. If it wouldn't be construed as rude, or would be seen as "nuetral", then go ahead and do the dishes)."

Because I hate also fighting, and angry people, another of mine would probably be:

*"No screaming (either person) if you are angry at someone"  - if you are so angry you cannot control your temper, leave the vicinity until you cool down".
- I'd think  this would be obvious, but am taking nothing for granted, as far as that goes, on either end.

Another I guess would be *If you ask me to learn a new task, you must give me a reasonable length of time in which to learn it, either based on your past experience with me, or from reading or asking about how long it has taken others to learn it." 

My question, then is: If you live together, with your partner(s),  or if you visit your partner and spedn substantial amounts of time in their house or apartment (or vice-versa), what are your "house rules" - if you have them?

Just wondering. Thanks for any replies.

- Susan


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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 7:14:20 PM   
DominaSmartass


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The only rules that exist in my house, thus far, are complete honesty and open communication. If we were to become truly D/s based someday in the future there would certainly be more, but as far as it's going now we've done incredibly well with these short and simple foundations. If something is bothering one of us we have to tell the other. We might take some time apart to calm down if angry but have to talk through whatever it is.

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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 7:15:14 PM   
subsa


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i agree with LA, in that,  perhaps this is premature if what your asking is for what rules should be committed to for a 24/7 dynamic.  i don't think you've committed to that and neither has He.  i think what you mean is what rules (if any) should there be in place for your visit. 

perhaps you'd feel comfortable with him picking what you wear in the evenings.  or you could say you'll prepare his morning beverage and learn the way he likes it.  perhaps even that you request permission to leave His presence.  but i don't think it needs to be a big deal something...a small thing will help set the tone of D/s without being too overwhelming. 

but what you asked was what were other peoples rules.  house rules are very specific to the house you live in...i think you'd have to spend more time together to figure out what those are for the two of you.  mine are detailed around the type of life we lead and the goals we set when we entered into a 24/7 dynamic.  since i work outside the home i can't do everything (a la the 50's housewife).  we work towards that; but there are no concrete rules.  as you said, that's kind of vague.  sorry but that's how it is...we have a real life.

our two big goals are financial and health related.  first, that in 5 years it would be possible for me to quit and stay at home. and second for us to achieve health through  nutrition and exercise.  you probably don't see the D/s in that and think those are pretty vanilla goals.  but we achieve them through the D/s dynamic.  for example...i'm required to discuss any purchase over $5 before hand.  He controls the money...i carry $5 but have a credit card and checks that i can use in an emergency but it damn well better be an emergency.  don't get me wrong.  i can ask for money for anything (clothes, out to eat with friends, whatever)  and He often says yes.  but the point is: He decides.  and there are consequences for having more thatn $5 or spending in a non-emergency without permission. 

as far as the health goals...i try to plan activities that are physical...walks, yoga, dancing.  we have regular weigh ins (for both of us).  i buy and prepare 95% of our meals.  if we gain weight it means i've not done a good job.  and again...there are consequences.

but these things are specific to our life.  you two would have to decide what would be important to you. 

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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 7:16:49 PM   
Wildfleurs


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Using fast reply...

I really have to agree with LA, trying to set house rules and you haven't had the first date yet seems really just jumping ahead of yourself.  What will be more important is that you actually mesh well over time (beyond the first meeting).  I know that first meets are really exciting in LDR's, but I think its important to keep things in perspective.

Beyond that I also think whats more important in submitting is to be flexible and I think the greater adherence to rules and regulations the less the dominant has the freedom to do what they want on the spur of the moment and the less the submissive has the opportunity to adjust and align to the dominant, and I think that experience of stretching and adjusting can enrich the experience of submitting to someone.  It also allows you to learn about their preferences and adjust rather than again simply adhering to pre-determined rules.

C~


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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 7:47:01 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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How it happens is that over time you get to know preferences, you get to know personal schedules, you get to know life intrusions, you mish mash them all together, and come out with hopefully working system.

Even with my past owner I'd have had to sit down and THINK about a rules list if someone asked.  There were certainly things expected of me, certain things he'd trained me over time to know to do and do in a certain way.  But it was never laid down as a "This is the rule: "  I just got to know what he liked, what he wanted and if I had a question or problem, I asked.

It's a process of getting to know eachother, and how you will fit into eachothers lives.  Takes time, oddles of communication and constant tweaking.  Relationship rules can change years after they have been in effect if they no longer serve the relationship.

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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 7:50:34 PM   
SilverShadows


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We have house rules. They are negociated and written up. The rules depend very much on the person. Good luck

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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 8:00:25 PM   
thetammyjo


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

My question, then is: If you live together, with your partner(s), or if you visit your partner and spedn substantial amounts of time in their house or apartment (or vice-versa), what are your "house rules" - if you have them?

Just wondering. Thanks for any replies.

- Susan


Now so much house rules as dynamic rules really around here.

There are things that apply to us all regardless of role: don't lie, don't make plans without consulting the rest of the family, do your chores in a timely fashion, make an effort to be a supporitve part of this family

Then there are far to many specific dynamic rules between me and a slave. They aren't specific to things like housework though. After this amount of time together we have gotten more vague because we have broader dynamics than can be spelled out without dozens and dozens of pages. In general, Fox obeys me and communicates with me while being focused on making my life easier; I recognize his need to be an individual.

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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 8:37:06 PM   
servicewithsmile


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I've done both sub & slave 24/7.  The house rules were very different for each.
For the sub position, it was pretty much keep the house neat, the laundry done and make him coffee whenever he asked for it throughout the day, EXACTLY as he had taught me.  Very particular fellow about his coffee.  Taught me to roast 'em, etc.  The only time I got in trouble was for being saucy.  He was pretty laid back, I'd make a little joke at his expense, he would react immediately.  If I let the laundry go for a day or two, he never noticed.  Y'see?  Just depends.

And then, there was the 24/7 experience.  Keep in mind that objectification is pretty high on my list of desires.  This might squick you, but nonetheless - I was not allowed on the furniture whatsoever.  All meals were to be eaten out of a bowl/plate on the floor.  The dog was to be walked at precise times every day.  The kitchen was to be kept immaculate at all times which meant cleaning up the dishes before I was allowed to eat and I never ate before he did if he was at home.  The house, floors, laundry, etc. was to be cleaned every day (small house-not hard).  At night I went to sleep wearing one of those lycra masks and a collar snapped to a dog chain which was secured to a post- I slept in the basement.  In the morning he would either come down all dressed for work and undo the chain.  Sometimes he would then "force" me to perform oral.  I didn't see him leave 'cause I was still wearing the lycra mask, the kind with the mouth hole.  Other times he would just come down and unsnap the chain and order me to follow him back upstairs and the command me to perform oral service or get his clothes out for work while he showered and I was to be waiting on my knees by the time he got out with a towel ready.  He would usually leave by 7am for the city and be home by 7pm when he didn't have court prep or dinner with friends.  I was expected to finish my chores before he got home so that when he was relaxing I was nearby too, behind his chair, reading a book or watching TV too from behind.  There were other things...I was naked all the time in the house, I kept myself shaved.  I had to write slave with a marker on my pubic area - in reverse so I could read it in the mirror. lol 
So, you see - lots of rules for behavior and not really protocol in my mind.  I ^%#$% loved the experience....for about a month. lol  Then I was lonely.  I had purposely picked a Master near the city (NYC) so I could 'broaden my horizons'.  I thought we had agreed on this point, but after a month of what seemed to me, faithful service and no 'outings', I was bored.  Voted with my feet.  There was no renegotiation.  He was perfectly happy and felt that perhaps I was not the right slave material for him.
(shrug)
Not everyone will negotiate or re-negotiate as the case may be, but rules (for me) provide a structure for the power exchange.  You can always vote with your feet....hopefully.

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RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 8:52:00 PM   
SusanofO


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Interesting answers and informative. I appreciate all of the replies, and especially agree this is no doubt the kind of thing that takes tons of communication, and tweaking to get it "liveable" for the folks in question.

I appreciate knowing about the dynamic rules (based on the slave experience). I think he was referring to just "everyday living" rules, on the other hand, what you described was everyday living for you as a slave, and I have some objectification fantasies myself (not sure yet how far they extend). Maybe his goal was just to get me thinking about all of this. I will ask him.

Thanks.
All replies appreciated.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/7/2007 8:59:14 PM >


_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to servicewithsmile)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: "House Rules" - do you have any? What are... - 3/7/2007 10:56:49 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline
Since I have both asthma and allergies, a house rule is that
all smoking has to be done outside, no matter what the weather.
No hard drugs, no underage visitors without clearing it with me
first, no strangers in the house, turn away all solicitors, religious
and otherwise.
 
We work out the cleaning and living arrangements based
on the circumstances at the time.  I usually cook and
put alway the laundry, and have subs wash the dishes
and do the floors.  Driving is split pretty evenlly, depends
on where we are going and what kind of vehicle best suits
the purpose of the trip.
 

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 20
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