Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Guiding Master


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Guiding Master Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Guiding Master - 3/8/2007 2:00:25 PM   
damia


Posts: 190
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		This one has been bothering me quite a bit...

i have a few years experience as a slave (with one other owner), and have known my lifestyle choice and researched it quite a bit from the time i was first introduced to it at age 18 (3 years). my Lord and Master is new to the lifestyle and knows little about things like aftercare, collaring, and various toys (floggers, canes, St. Andrew's cross, etc). i know about these things, and would like to teach Him, but i'm afraid i would look like i was trying to take over, and wasn't content with Him, which isn't true. i just would like to teach Him things He has expressed interest in.

So, the question...should i seek another Dominant willing to teach Him stuff, or should i try to teach Him myself? i feel very uncomfortable teaching Him myself...it seems to me kinda like the dog teaching the owner tricks...just doesn't seem like it's 'done'?

This is a major internal conflict for me, and one i haven't been able to find the right time and place to bring up to my Lord. Any suggestions?

~jewel
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Guiding Master - 3/8/2007 2:03:59 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: damia

This one has been bothering me quite a bit...

i have a few years experience as a slave (with one other owner), and have known my lifestyle choice and researched it quite a bit from the time i was first introduced to it at age 18 (3 years). my Lord and Master is new to the lifestyle and knows little about things like aftercare, collaring, and various toys (floggers, canes, St. Andrew's cross, etc). i know about these things, and would like to teach Him, but i'm afraid i would look like i was trying to take over, and wasn't content with Him, which isn't true. i just would like to teach Him things He has expressed interest in.

So, the question...should i seek another Dominant willing to teach Him stuff, or should i try to teach Him myself? i feel very uncomfortable teaching Him myself...it seems to me kinda like the dog teaching the owner tricks...just doesn't seem like it's 'done'?

This is a major internal conflict for me, and one i haven't been able to find the right time and place to bring up to my Lord. Any suggestions?

~jewel

You can do both.

I understand the conflict- but you're really just
a) providing a service to him by letting him know about you and being a guide
b) supporting the relationship by communicating
c) giving him the tools he needs to be effective in the relationship

All slaves do that- you're just doing it in a more obvious direct way.

Who cares what it "looks like"?  You both know the deal, so enjoy it!

While talking to others isn't a bad idea at all, and I suggest getting as much from the pool as possible, it would be ridiculous to eliminate you just because you happen to be the one not in authority.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Guiding Master - 3/8/2007 2:18:44 PM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		I would expand his knowledge your self if he seems to be open to it,if not another Dom or dome might be the trick.I see many new Dom's open to guidance from dommes.This is less threatening to the manhood smiles..bounty

_____________________________

US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Guiding Master - 3/8/2007 2:28:18 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: damia

So, the question...should i seek another Dominant willing to teach Him stuff, or should i try to teach Him myself? i feel very uncomfortable teaching Him myself...it seems to me kinda like the dog teaching the owner tricks...just doesn't seem like it's 'done'?

This is a major internal conflict for me, and one i haven't been able to find the right time and place to bring up to my Lord. Any suggestions?

~jewel


Get another dominant to help if you want to, but don't worry about it. Teaching your dominant/master is definitely "done". I taught Valyraen, telling him all that I knew about the lifestyle and all that I continued to learn. I was even the one who taught him how to flog, thanks to the knowledge given to me by a wonderful Master I scened with once. He helped me learn both what I enjoy having done to me and how to do it myself. I never actually topped him, but I explained it and demonstrated on pillows, as well as giving detailed feedback during our early scenes.

I view teaching your master yourself as being entirely practical. A wiser, more experienced master can't always be found, and for whatever reason they may not want to train your master. I would suggest getting some books and giving him plenty feedback. Go at a pace that lets both of you be comfortable. Good luck and have fun!

Edited because I just realized that I missed part of your question.

As for bringing it up to him, do the two of you attend play parties? I have a friend who, while a sub, gives a very delicious spanking. When I knew that she was going to be at the same party we were, I asked him to observe how she did it. That can help with the physical parts. As for the lifestyle training, we've done all that on our own through research so I'm afraid I can't give advice there. Hope everything is helpful though!

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 3/8/2007 2:36:32 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Guiding Master - 3/8/2007 4:04:02 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Hubby is naturally dominant but had never taken it to the bedroom until he found out about my interests. I had had some experience and had done a lot of research, so i "guided" Him for awhile, showed Him some websites, went shopping with Him to help pick out some toys, and helped pick out some videos that we watched together. It has worked out well for us.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Guiding Master - 3/8/2007 4:10:12 PM   
damia


Posts: 190
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		i think part of the problem is that i'm just so damn shy, and i have trouble speaking my thoughts sometimes...my mother was one to always make me feel very bad for feeling the way i did sometimes, and i suppress a lot.

i definitely like the idea of teaching Him through public play and/or group parties...He always me to play with others, so i could find someone who knows, for example, flogging pretty well (which i do know someone i'd particularly like for that, but He's in D.C., so...doesn't work for now), and suggest to m'Lord that He might like to watch? He probably would anyway, but then after we could discuss, not only with the other Dom, but also just the two of us, how to flog, what seems to work best, and see from there? i've been wanting to get m'Lord to do public play and/or come with me when i do, anyway...this would be a good reason to do so.

Like AquaticSub, i was shown how to use a flogger and crop by another Dom whom i played with. i was unsure about it, but He said it'd be good for me to know, and i accepted that, because we were still in that 'play mode', and it turned out to be really great help.

i think i'm going to get some of the lifestyle books i like (been wanting to get them anyway), and add them to our library. Knowing Him, He will spot them and get into them. i don't want to point them out to Him directly, but i know He will read them when He sees them (stuff like Screw the Roses and Miss Abernathy's). i have some interests that i know He has expressed curiousity about, but that He has not done because He doesn't know how. If i show Him how, or motivate Him to learn, i think both of us will be that much happier.

Thank y'all for your advice, and i feel a bit more confident and a lot less conflicted about this issue...this is the sort of thing that makes me glad i found this site.

~jewel (damia the Kat)

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Guiding Master - 3/8/2007 4:21:01 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I posted something to this effect recently, but I'm too lazy to look it up.  (Sorry.)

A couple of years ago, I was approached by someone I knew about 8 years ago (but never played with) to be that 'teacher' for her Dom.  I knew that her interests in WIITWD were developed, but as she had been with him most of that time (with his on again/off again interest and certainly lack of experience), she wanted to bring things to a head.

I agreed to meet them for dinner, afterwards we would retire to my home for 'play'.  Our conversation took place on a Sunday, if I recall, and the plans were made for the next Saturday.  I advised her, and will do the same to you the OP, that in many cases bringing in a temporary partner to train their Dom is akin to getting a sex counselor, and that many men would think that a huge blow to their ego.  She said that they had discussed this prior to her contacting me, not to worry.

That Saturday I returned home from work to find the obligatory voicemail that he had chickened out and wouldn't even be seeing her that night.  I spoke to her at length on the phone, and I knew she was devestated by his inability to communicate better.

They broke up within a week following that.

If you value your relationship, be mindful of how things stack up for him.

Jeff

edited to add:  If it were me, since you have sufficient experience, I would teach him yourself.  It's not topping from the bottom, it's improving (or saving) a relationship.

< Message edited by mstrjx -- 3/8/2007 4:22:15 PM >

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Guiding Master - 3/8/2007 4:23:39 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Generally it's not a great idea to seek another dom.  Doms often respond to requests like that as carte blanche to fuck the subbie because her real dom isn't man enough to do it himself.

You ought to be able to think of ways to guide him without crossing the line.  Find things for him to read.  Take him to places where he can see more experienced doms in action.  You can even make direct suggestions, if they're phrased properly and delivered in the right tone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: damia

So, the question...should i seek another Dominant willing to teach Him stuff, or should i try to teach Him myself?

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Guiding Master - 3/8/2007 4:30:05 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		There's an art to offering information in a respectful way.

"My Lord, may I share...."
"If it would please you, I'd like to show you...."
"May I tell you about..."
"Can I suggest...."

My girl, having 20 years more experience than my 6, is a master (pun intended) at this. :-)

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Guiding Master - 3/8/2007 6:02:13 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		There is a vast difference between saying "I want to be flogged like Harry does it" and "Oh god I would be your slut forever if you learned to flog me, oh and I bet Harry would teach you"  "The only thing that I have seen Harry do I liked was flogging, I would do anything for YOU if you learned that skill"

As for bringing another dom into it as a "trainer" in a world where power and authority makes the little girls wet, it takes a rare trainer  who can do it without underming the power and authority of the dominant being trained. 

Why not find either a gay dom or a female domme?  Someone who doesn't want to sleep with you and who your dom won't see as a threat.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Guiding Master - 3/9/2007 10:15:57 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		My last dating stint was with a man who was brand new to BDSM.
I felt like I was walking a tight wire of Me controlling things or topping him to teach him what I think is the right way to be a good Master.
I preferred to lead him to sites, tell him what I as a sub desired of my Sir, and answering questions as he'd asked them instead of the "You should do it this way, or you should do it that way, or I think this is how you should lead types of things.
We went out into the public community often and he indeed searched for and found other Doms who could help him with the leadership questions and Master's positions on things.
He made several friends, but has not had enough time to decide if any of them or none of them could be his official mentor.
I think birds of a feather flock together and having other Dominant opinions is a definite plus.
Over all I was the only one freaking out about what would be construed as me topping him, or leading things. The community got as rude as to spread rumors he was my new Cuckold after I showed him toys and what they were for the first time we played even and that didn't bother him and ate me alive.

I think I could help a Dom train himself that was not my Sir, but in the end to help train someone who is my Sir changed the energy of the leadership for me too much to help him with all the information and advice I thought to give.
I did not want to assume the position of authority or control so I did not IMO.
Over all I'm not sure how it's supposed to be handled or what protocol would say, but we found what worked comfortably for us and that's what counted in the end.
suzanne

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Guiding Master - 3/9/2007 8:48:23 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		onestandingstill,
 
Please take this ONLY as food for thought
  • If you lead him to a site, YOU chose and YOU excluded others.  While your choice wasn't as specific as telling him to read and learn line twelve, did you take him to some nutsy gorian site or some female supreme site? 
  • You told him your desires again you manipulated him
  • whatever you did got him called a cuckhold
  • you showed him to use toys, so the ones you showed first are more important than the ones you didn't use.

You can buy into that shit but think about what that means about this so called dom of yours.  Is he really so weak minded that with the merest thought or action you can implant a suggestion so strong and deep he is powerless to exert his own thoughts on something?  I didn't think so. 
 
Give the poor frigging bastard some credit and faith that his balls are bigger than yours.   I bet you could show him a hundred things and he will pick the ones HE wants.  RELAX and have some faith in the guy, BELIEVE that no matter WHAT you do he will choose his own path.  Doing that will make both of your lives easier.

(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Guiding Master - 3/9/2007 9:32:44 PM   
swtrayn


Posts: 222
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Give the poor frigging bastard some credit and faith that his balls are bigger than yours.   I bet you could show him a hundred things and he will pick the ones HE wants.  RELAX and have some faith in the guy, BELIEVE that no matter WHAT you do he will choose his own path.  Doing that will make both of your lives easier.


I wish I had more to add to this thread, but most everything has been said. I just wanted to note: I really think that you stated this very well, SimplyMicheal.


rayn


_____________________________

"I tried to contain myself -- I escaped..."

"Make sure brain is engaged before SEND key is released"

"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead."--Lucille Ball


(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Guiding Master - 3/9/2007 10:30:43 PM   
michaels4evr


Posts: 184
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline 		I have a similar situation with Master and I have decided that He has to walk His own path. I have a large library of BDSM books, and shared websites with Him early on in our relationship. I share my desires and interests with Him and so far, He has explored some of them with me. But I refuse to be His teacher. I know that He would be a great student, however, I know what it would do to our dynamic. Therefore, I am being patient. Preserving our dynamic is more important to me than whether he master's fireplay, cupping, needles, devil's fire, or..ahhh...let me stop there...

(in reply to swtrayn)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Guiding Master - 3/9/2007 10:43:51 PM   
smilingjaguar


Posts: 271
Status: offline 		What Sir has me do to communicate fantasies, interests, etc., in the lifestyle is keep a journal daily.  I find it far easier to communicate them this way, and He gets the benefit of knowing what I'm thinking about and interested in without me taking any of the authority.  There is no guarantee that He will be interested or want to give in to my wants, but it continues to open up new roads in an old relationship.  I've been a journaler all of my life anyway, so I think he figured out a pretty damn good way to sneak between my ears....LOL.  It's always a fertile mind fuck playground at the very least.

About the most assertive thing I ever did was buy Him a couple of the lifestyle books as an anniversary present.  He loved them, but it was still the same deal as the journal.  He decides what, when, where, how, and IF the information will be used.

Edited because I cannot spell tonight...

< Message edited by smilingjaguar -- 3/9/2007 10:46:59 PM >

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Guiding Master - 3/10/2007 5:13:32 AM   
liljoy


Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline 		wow Sir so if a Dom asks another Dom to teach Him hmm say needle play the Dom being asked would really think that means it's ok to fuck my property?

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Guiding Master - 3/10/2007 5:59:27 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

onestandingstill,
 
Please take this ONLY as food for thought
  • If you lead him to a site, YOU chose and YOU excluded others.  While your choice wasn't as specific as telling him to read and learn line twelve, did you take him to some nutsy gorian site or some female supreme site? 
  • You told him your desires again you manipulated him
  • whatever you did got him called a cuckhold
  • you showed him to use toys, so the ones you showed first are more important than the ones you didn't use.


You can buy into that shit but think about what that means about this so called dom of yours.  Is he really so weak minded that with the merest thought or action you can implant a suggestion so strong and deep he is powerless to exert his own thoughts on something?  I didn't think so. 
 
Give the poor frigging bastard some credit and faith that his balls are bigger than yours.   I bet you could show him a hundred things and he will pick the ones HE wants.  RELAX and have some faith in the guy, BELIEVE that no matter WHAT you do he will choose his own path.  Doing that will make both of your lives easier.

Hi Michael,
When he first expressed an interest in finding himself in the BDSM world I gave him lists of all websites and lists of all the books I'd read.
I did give him my personal view and opinions of the information provided being clear this was only my view and discussing what I've heard others express was their view in depth.
The first time he wanted to play he suggested he meet me at the Crucible.
I explained he did not know the toys and their purposes and I thought I'd be more comfortable giving him a comprehensive view of my toybag at home as a sub teachig a Dom in the dungeon would go over like a lead balloon.
He said he preferred to do it there. I did not argue.
We went and as I took the toys out of the bag I did not pull them out in any order other than which were on the top and which were lower in the bag.
I told him it's name and what it was used for as I set it in a chair.
I was hoping to sneak under the wire and have people just think I was setting up the play space like us subs often do.
I got to my flogger and he piped up with how do you swing this.
My blood pressure went through the moon.
I told him, but he asked me to show him.
I swatted the spanking bench about 4 times and gave it to him to try.
After the tour of the toys I'd laid out I explained my safeword again and how that went, and I pointed out on my body where it was safe and not safe to hit me with force then climbed up on the bench.
He lightly paddled me for a bit then grabeed the flogger.
He asked me to refresh his memory on where and where not to hit me with it as it's more relaxed than say canes or something.
I pointed thigs out he'd asked me to again.
Then THANK GOD Master Robert had realized this Sir's newness and came over and introduced himself and offered to help him learn to swing the flogger.
I was finally off the instruction hook and was in my place the rest of the night.
Instantly phone lines were humming and people were spouting preconceived opinion without ever speaking to him or I.
SOmetimes you can be doing EXACTLY what's asked of you as a sub and your behavior seems unnacceptable or misunderstood in the public community through no topping or bad behavoir on your part.

I understand you were not there and you're gleaning your opinion from a keyhole view.
I appreciate your opinion and will consider your words in depth to see if I can indeed see your perspective in this situation and learn from it.
This was definately something that did not feel right and I accept some of it was my actions or ability to communicate efficiently as well.
suzanne

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Guiding Master - 3/10/2007 8:02:59 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		suzanne,

I am sorry but you took my post wrong, I was in no way criticising your behavior, I was simply trying to point out that worrying about "topping" him is silly and to not worry so much about talking to him.
Most dominants would not have the balls to show up at a place like cruciable and allow their submissives to show them how to do things. 

If the "community" is on the phone playing gossip over that, tell them to go fuck themselves and to check back into high school and that you found someone who's pimples are bigger than their dominants balls.

(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Guiding Master - 3/10/2007 9:52:33 PM   
MasterNdorei


Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		damia, i suggest focusing on your relationship, and what feels comfortable for the One you serve. Many times we, as subs or slaves, are uncomfortable for their benefit.

The One i serve is not familiar with most toys, and has no desire to learn them. There are many wonderful toys i may never feel again, but what i have with this man is better than all of them. i know more about public lifestyle events, social protocols, and most toys, but He masters the relationship without needing any of my experience. It can be done.

Humbly~*
Master dorei

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Guiding Master - 3/11/2007 10:01:35 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		The way you approach it makes the difference. There's a lot of difference between "That's wrong, that's not how you hold a crop" and "Please, please could you do it like this sometime because I can't enjoy it otherwise".

(in reply to MasterNdorei)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Guiding Master Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109