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SusanofO -> RE: CIAW (3/15/2007 11:18:39 AM)
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Well personally I am chalking much of any misunderstandings that did occur to personality-differences, and the fact that people can easily mis-read someone's true intent when they post sometimes on the internet, and I still think of it as a pretty worthwhile discussion, overall. I agree w/what agirl said. I just don't think in those terms either, most of the time. But heck, I think everybody who posted is basically fine. I just am averse to intense arguing stuff, and it is possible that I might sometimes see it when it isn't even there (it could just be an INFJ thing, maybe). Maybe sometimes maybe what I see as arging is somebody else's idea of mere debate (although I can be a darn good debater when I put my mind to it, sometimes). Plus everybody's got a right to their opinion, too.
But those "feeler" types, they can take what is said really to heart, trust me (and it doesn't necessarily mean they always just need to grow a thicker skin, etc. They've got their place in the world. Everyone does (the thinker types do too, and I think it's great they're here, I really do. They can bring in an objective POV a lot of times). And occasionally, people do just screw up and mis-spell a word (Lord knows I am about the world's worst typist), but overall, I think cloudboy's got a point (and know him well enough personally to know he does not strike me as someone who jumps to conclusions. I also noticed he waited for pages and pages, before he ever made a comment, really, about that, not that it is especially pertinent), but I'm not gonna make a big deal about it.
I am not sure it has to do w/age, as much as someone's personal experiences, though, possibly. If someone's never observed marriages like that much (the "don't ask-don't -tell" kind, for example) I am sure it probably strikes many as less than ideal. And it is, if I recall, that's what he said. But there are reasons for those types of situations, IMO, not always apparent to people who aren't in those relationships, and in many cases in pragmatic terms it is a lesser of two evils (I know I had mine, and basically am fine w/what I did). People can bemoan that they exist, but they're are probably more than a few of those arrangements out there, IMO. I don't have a problem w/the fact they exist (what am I gonna do about it anyway, realisitically speaking?)
And I definitely separate those instances from a person who is bedding every person they see, spreading STDs w/not thought to anyone else's health, and letting everyone they bed think they are un-atttached, if they're not. It might seem like some sort of weird self-justification, but, IMO it's really not. I know people in those relationships who appear to me to be content. I am a realist, and I figure if they really hated the way they were living, they'd leave. I also think in a lot of cases the spous knows and just doesn' say anything, and they've usually IMO got a whole host of reasona of their own for staying silent. Of course there are exceptions to that, and sometimes people do get hurt in those situations, of course, but I rarely hear anyone discuss the former instance is all.
And there is much to be said for the last line of cloudboy's theory, IMO. If somebody is going to really become an embittered person, and make life hell for their spouse and kids, for instance, because they have a spouse who is less than what they consider ideal, and are constantly bickering and throwing things, and counselling isn't working, or they can't seem to make it work, or even if it just appears there is too-wide a bridge as far as the way the two partners view life to make them really get back to where they started, so to speak (people change, life isn't static)-but they still have otherwise very valid reasons for staying in the relationship and not disrupting the rest of the family's life, than I think an affair really might in some cases be the wisest course of action for the other spouse or partner.
I might have a rather fluid way of viewing the world, but I am also consider myself a realist. Is it ideal? Of course not - but the people involved are dealing w/ a less than ideal situation from the get-go anyway. Ideal is off the table. It's no longer an option, plain and simple. And there may be a lot of other practical considerations at stake. I see relationships like this in my neighborhood (or what I think are ones like this) and to me, they certainly do appear to be the lesser-of-two evils, sometimes.
I dunno, I just like it when everybody gets along, am a genuine people-liker overall, and I don't wanna use up all my aspirin. Which of course doesn't mean everyone isn't entitled to their POV. That they are goes without saying. Hugs to all.[:)]
- Susan
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