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RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/17/2007 12:00:18 AM   
obey1


Posts: 227
Joined: 11/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Wow that was terably confuseing for me and fail to see how getting her to get bandaids and such will prevent useing the safeword.. other then  maybe she doesnt want to be coverd in bandaids.. and why would haveing gaauz on you helps eather.. could you explain your line of thought here??

Magik's slave


That's why you are Magik's slave.......................NEXT.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/17/2007 12:12:22 AM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		obey1 - i love the bandaid thing! rofl.

as far as stoplight safewords go...we use "red" as ours, but it's more along the lines of...severe psychological damage ahead!

(in reply to obey1)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/17/2007 12:18:08 AM   
carolsea


Posts: 185
Joined: 10/4/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yugla

PS You could employ a ball gag and tell her the new safe word is to spell chrysanthemin and not let her read this forum post.



But wouldn't that presuppose that both parties involved knew how to SPELL chrysanthemum correctly?   

_____________________________

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!

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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/17/2007 12:27:43 AM   
carolsea


Posts: 185
Joined: 10/4/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: obey1
<snip>
The first step would be to sit her down, void of any context, and speak to her as such:

"We need a new system of managing our relationship because you seem to be stuck on one word for a cure-all.  Your new safeword for these situations will be Band-Aid.  I will lick your imagined wounds and give you a kiss but then we will proceed to find some type of discipline that you are comfortable with.  Each time you cry "Band-Aid" you must have a genuine Band-Aid brand band-aid to offer me to stop the proceedings.  <etc, etc.>

Opinons?


WTF??????

_____________________________

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/17/2007 5:05:17 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		I don't know what that band aid stuff was about except it appears to be a way of telling someone she has a safeword and then ignoring it. Either that or a good way of getting rid of someone by pissing her off instead of being upfront and telling her you just aren't into her.

Passive aggressive doms - not hot.

(in reply to carolsea)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/17/2007 8:34:48 AM   
MasterCurios


Posts: 156
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		safewords are not allowed for the purposes of punishment and is made clear from the onset. my slaves can have safewords till they freely give them back to me and dont want/need them any longer.

_____________________________

may the pain be with you

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/18/2007 12:34:29 AM   
BrainSlugs83


Posts: 117
Joined: 2/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Wow that was terably confuseing for me and fail to see how getting her to get bandaids and such will prevent useing the safeword.. other then  maybe she doesnt want to be coverd in bandaids.. and why would haveing gaauz on you helps eather.. could you explain your line of thought here??
I think the idea of the bandaids and gauze is for embarassment, and that she has to buy them herself...

I found it pretty simple; but then again, I find that even when explaining simple systems to people they get VERY confused -- you really have to take things slow, and repeat some of the things, and also the reasoning behind it...  Grids & charts might help -- a system like this should be more of a chart with maybe 3 sentences of explination.  You can't just blurt out a list of rules that's not written down and say "this is our new system" -- you have to have something like this in writing, let them read it, keep it (magnet to the fridge?), and answer any questions they have after they're done going over it -- expect this bandaid talk to take about an hour.  Also, not just what the system is, but why in God's name are we using it again? even if it's as simple as: Because I want to.

Take the rewards program at blockbuster (I worked there forever back in college), it's really simple, you pay $10 once, and you get 3 ways to get free movies for a year from when you buy it: 1.) coupons in the mail once a month for a non-new release -- 2.) when you pay for 5 in a month the 6th one is free (this can only be done twice each month, IIRC) -- and then monday thru wednesday, for each paid rental, you can get a free non-new release movie...

Now, why am I saying this? Not because I want you to go buy blockbuster rewards (haha god, forbid!), but to show how simple the system is; but I see people drawing out these LONG paragraphs upon paragraphs, without really explaining things properly, and the customer is scared away because of how uber complicated/etc it all sounds, go to a couple of blockbusters on a friday or saturday night between 6 and 9 pm, there will be someone wandering on the floor trying to "help" (read: upsell) people, ask them about the rewards program and they will give you some wierd ass explination that confuses you; I promise.  Just being in a blockbuster since I've quit I've noticed them confusing the customers with random promotions...


< Message edited by BrainSlugs83 -- 3/18/2007 12:39:41 AM >

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/18/2007 9:32:08 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		The thing about the band aid system is that it's a way for him to punish her for using a safeword while claiming he will honor it. Sorry, you can't have it both ways. You can't say you're only allowed three safewords a month and then do things to cause her to safeword three times so the fourth time you can force her to either break off the relationship or go through with something that is a limit.

It's cheap and shows that the dom who would do this isn't trustworthy. Because if he was he wouldn't dream up something this roundabout instead of sitting down and talking with her, instead of talking down to her. If there was open communication, she would be able to say that he was doing stuff to her that was way past her limits to handle either physically or emotionally or both. The fact that he's using indirect communication means he doesn't want to hear the truth so he's set up a system where she can't talk to him.

And that's what's so weird about the op, he does nothing but complain yet he never said that they had talked about the issue. He never wanted to hear why she was doing it. Instead he kept doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same results yet being shocked that he would get the same result to the same action each time. The idea of sitting down and saying it was apparent there was some kind of a problem and could she please talk to him about it apparently never came up.

(in reply to BrainSlugs83)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/18/2007 11:59:06 AM   
obey1


Posts: 227
Joined: 11/26/2005
Status: offline 		Mind you, I would never do the band-aid thing.  It was off the top of my head late at night.  Yes it was more for embarrasment to the sub so she would realize how many times she was crying wolf....it was also meant to display the passive/agressive nature of the dom as well.  Good analysis, people!

I would have long since talked to her by about the second or third time she used a safeword before I was able to lay hands on her...

I don't like complicated systems either when it comes to relationships.

I would not ignore a safeword during any type of rough play, but I would certainly not stand for her abusing the word if there was no play or punishment involved at all, just the suggestion of it. That is what I got out of the OP, is that the punishment never took place-she got out of it.

So I concocted a humorous confusing system so that her safeword would still stand, but she would be punished by misusing it by having to give out band-aids for her imagined wounds. Probably a better system using band-aids would be AFTER talking to her about it at length and coming to some sort of agreement, whenever play or punishment was stopped out of respect of the safeword, the dom would have the option to disagree with her use of the word in that moment by putting a band-aid on the back of her hand and making her wear it the entire next day so that she would be reminded that here she is the next day, there is no pain or anything, yet she has a visual reminder that she misused the word and cried wolf.   A badge of shame to toughen her up mentally.

< Message edited by obey1 -- 3/18/2007 12:25:45 PM >

(in reply to obey1)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/19/2007 5:43:02 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Got it, obey1. But the problem here is that punishment for her may be something she can't handle. I'm thinking abusive background here. Not every relationship is predicated on a punishment dynamic with the top waiting for the slightest mistake so they have an excuse to punish. And maybe that's what was going on here. We don't know because we were carefully given no details. And when someone does nothing in a post but say it was entirely the other person's fault, I get cynical. I'm much more likely to believe a post where the op is honest about their faults as well. Because it's a relationship involving two people.

Maybe he said he was a daddy dom until he collared her and then assumed he could just indulge himself sadistically and that she would take it because she was collared. In the same manner that many men wait until they've collared a sub before then demanding she gets another girl to join them.

Maybe he never discussed a punishment dynamic in detail with her. We don't know.

(in reply to obey1)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/19/2007 8:27:12 AM   
lonlyrossInNeed


Posts: 3144
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		i have been told that i dont use my safeword unless i am in a position that is cramping me from a ingury i have
so thats good i have always been told .
i say if someone uses there safeword to get out of punishment it is time for a long talk

_____________________________

To know what pain is hurts the most
pain is not just a wound in your flesh
pain is a dagger in your heart

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/19/2007 9:14:19 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

ORIGINAL: domwolfe71

It's something that's been tugging at my mind for some time now. Perhaps some of you have experienced the same thing. There was a time long ago when I had a submissive who was very close to my heart. We partook of the lifestyle often and well. As we grew closer, she did something that just really jacked up my wiring. She used a safeword, apparently to just escape a punishment. I considered it a dreadful misuse of the safeword, but as I'd given my word to always obey it, here I was bound to stop. This did happen several other times until the ability to establish and maintain any kind of discipline was lost.

Have any of you had to deal with this type of situation? What did you do to remedy such a thing? If you're a SSC-respecting normal person, You're going to of course stop whenever its uttered, but what do you do when it's used frivolously. It's like the boy who cried wolf without the object lesson at the end.

If I was in your shoes; I would end the relationship. Obviously she has no respect for it.

Exactly.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/21/2007 1:19:07 AM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline 		I was once, and only once, in a D/s relationship on the opposite side of the slash than where I now fall. I can look back and see how my reasons for being in it were all wrong, as was the person I was in it with. This thread strikes a chord with me because I often wished I could safeword out of punishment, considering this "dom" I was with would repeatedly hit me *hard* for things that were either outrageous, unrealistic expectations, rules I was never informed existed, miniscule "infractions" that he'd come up with out of nowhere, and similar instances that all seemed unjust and unwarranted in my mind. I know people say that D/s isn't supposed to be "fair" but then again, if one is not on the same page as the one enforcing the rules and constantly feels like she is being punished unjustly, then the overall relationship is in trouble.

I think it's interesting that most people think the sub in question is trying to be manipulative. I come at it from a different angle, having once been in a position where I was walking on eggshells, afraid of doing something that might set him off and cause physical punishment to be incurred, as well as the fact that such physical punishments went well beyond my tolerance for pain under and normal circumstance. If I could have, I would have used a safeword to stop the punishment in its tracks because I had expressed over and over again that physical punishment was not a positive way to change my behavior and he had seemingly listened each time and agreed to use "verbal correction" in the future, yet somehow never did.

That's not to say you are being this way, but just generally asking people to consider the alternatives.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/21/2007 4:45:03 AM   
jaunty1


Posts: 102
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline 		A very interesting point Domina, and one that not many take into account. Like many others, I never could understand the use of corporal punishment as a means of correcting behavior. That is not to say that for some, it does the job intended, only that I could never understand how it worked. I have always found that the best way to correct behavior is to take away the one thing that means the most to them; or have them do some chore that they absolutly abhore.
 
Personally, if a submissive is constantly safe wording in an effort to get out of a punishment, that tells me that there is something not right with the punishment to begin with.
 
Of course, we don't know all that is actually going on, so any comments made are only based on half the story.
 
Live well,
 
Alex

_____________________________




(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/21/2007 3:45:05 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: obey1

"We need a new system of managing our relationship because you seem to be stuck on one word for a cure-all.  Your new safeword for these situations will be Band-Aid.  I will lick your imagined wounds and give you a kiss but then we will proceed to find some type of discipline that you are comfortable with.  Each time you cry "Band-Aid" you must have a genuine Band-Aid brand band-aid to offer me to stop the proceedings.  You must also purchase these Band-Aids with your own money.  You may not purchase more than one box of Band-Aids per day.  For every 5 Band-Aids you give me, I can trade them in for one piece of gauze and roll of tape.  You must also buy this gauze and roll of tape with your own money.  You must have this gauze and roll of tape available in your purse or inside the house upon presentation of 5 Band-Aids.  This 'gauze and roll of tape' is your second safeword, now a safe 'phrase'.  You may not use this phrase until I have ignored your Band-Aid request because I already posess the gauze and roll of tape.  Upon using 'gauze and roll of tape' you must subject yourself to allowing me to tape the gauze to any portion of your body where I deem fit.  It may be your forearm, and you may be required to wear a short sleeved shirt.  Or it may be your ass and you will present it to me each time you use the potty so I can check for germs.  You will wear the gauze and tape for one day upon each use of the phrase....

...Finally your safeword will be an expression of who you are and can only be used during the physical duration of the punishment, scene, or play, and it will be only "I will tell you what you want to know...."  At that time I will stop the punishment and ask you a series of questions like an exam.  Genuineness and honesty will be foremost and highly observed according to your former practices of Band-Aids and large wounds needing gauze and tape.  If at any point in the conversation I deem that your answer does not suit my interest I will have the right to continue the punishment, scene, or play until you so choose to use the phrase "I will tell you what you want to know" again.  You will agree to wait 5 additional seconds from the time I started anew to the time I stopped, irregardless of when you speak the phrase....."

Opinons?


Yeah, I'll give you an opinion. First of all, this entire thing is ridiculous and from what I know about you Obey1, I believe you were attempting a joke. I can't imagine you were serious with this bandaid bullshit and if you were, god help your sub or future sub ;)

Secondly, there is not such word as "irregardless."

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to obey1)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/21/2007 6:43:20 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass
Secondly, there is not such word as "irregardless."


Unfortunately Websters picked it up, but it still makes me shudder every time.

As for the safeword, I don't get one personally, but if I had one and abused it, it would be gone in a heartbeat.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/21/2007 7:32:22 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass
Secondly, there is not such word as "irregardless."


Unfortunately Websters picked it up, but it still makes me shudder every time.

As for the safeword, I don't get one personally, but if I had one and abused it, it would be gone in a heartbeat.


Howabout "irregardless" as a safeword? I would be very unlikely to ever use it as it makes me shudder too

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/21/2007 7:43:05 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass
Secondly, there is not such word as "irregardless."


Unfortunately Websters picked it up, but it still makes me shudder every time.

As for the safeword, I don't get one personally, but if I had one and abused it, it would be gone in a heartbeat.


Howabout "irregardless" as a safeword? I would be very unlikely to ever use it as it makes me shudder too


LMAO!!!!

Oh thanks for that - priceless!

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/29/2007 6:47:32 AM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

This is one of the reasons Valyraen prefers to use non-physical punishments for me, such as standing in a corner or diagraming sentences.
 



I'm not laughing AT you but I just totally cracked up when I saw your punishment being DIAGRAMMING SENTENCES.

ROFLMAO 

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Subs who play with safewords - 3/29/2007 7:00:13 AM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline 		As I have a very high pain tolerance (and a liking for it), I've been informed that my safeword is "Ow."


However, in a punishment situation, were I to say "Ow", I think His reaction would be something along the lines of:

"Oh, did that hurt?


GOOD!"

(in reply to sweetstorm)
Profile   Post #: 60
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