Are bullying and Dominating the same?

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Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 2:42:42 PM

youngsubmission

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Personally, i believe they aren't the same thing. But just by viewing a few profiles on this website, it's amazing to see the amount of keyboard warriors bullying other submissives. i don't even want to begin to imagine how They would treat their submissives in real life.
Or maybe i have this wrong...is bullying a way of dominating?
i mean, when Y/you're scening or playing with Your sub and You find ways to bully him/her, then that's different. But when You find ways to bully them in their vanilla life, isn't that a little extreme?

Personally, i can't stand bullying. i used to cop a fair bit of racism in primary and high school and the school wouldn't do anything so when it became too much, i made sure the bully went home with a black eye so he could tell his Mum how he got it.

i'm just wondering, is it right for any Domme to mistreat and bully a sub that She doesn't own? ...even if She does own that sub, is it still right for Her to bully Her subs vanilla life?

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 2:45:39 PM

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In my strong opinion, people who bully, use force, money, or social position to try and control others do so because they lack the charisma, wisdom, or ability to do exercise control in other more positive ways.

I feel a bit sad for those people. I feel more sad for those who fall under their spell.

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(in reply to youngsubmission)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 2:46:00 PM

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I love the "keyboard warriors" term. I'm not quite sure how you would "bully" someone over the net. That would take two people and all you have to do is refuse to be bullied, you see. Even in vanilla life, you have to agree to be bullied. You have feet...use them. Walk away!

(in reply to youngsubmission)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 3:03:00 PM

youngsubmission

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Bullies will always come back. i know. i tried walking away but they come back the next day with the same insults and it sounds like a broken DJ scratch session screaming, "ch-ch-ch-ch-chink-chink-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chink-chink-chink" lol..
you're right bandit. The submissives should just put that Domme on ignore if they're being bullied. But what i'm afraid of is that if they're new to BDSM and they think being bullied is the way to be Dominated? i remember being blackmailed online (yes it was stupid of me), but i learned from it and will never let it happen again. It's like...there are consensual threats and threats that could harm relationships because of a subs involvement with BDSM. Using those harmful threats as a means of getting what a Domme wants at any expense of the sub isn't right.

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RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 3:03:15 PM

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No, they are not the same thing.

(in reply to youngsubmission)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 3:04:21 PM

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Hello,
Webster's dictionary defines a bully as the following:

"a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people."

Habitually is the key word here. Bullies show this kind of behaviour over and over again, and usually to the same person.

As a previous poster to this thread said though, it takes two to allow bullying to go on. If you are not intimidated by the person, then they are just an annoyance, a bother, not a bully.

I think you will find there are many Women of Quality here (most of them post in this forum) and you will find that they are not in the least way, bullies. They are loving and careful Dominas. (Sadists, like Me! included)

So no, bullying and dominating are definitely not the same thing. Ignore those you perceive to be bothersome.

With kind regard,
~Kara
<edited b/c I messed up the quote!>

< Message edited by KaramelGoddess -- 3/14/2007 3:05:26 PM >

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RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 3:11:12 PM

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Yup, bullies will always come back but they only bully those who allow it. After all, think about it. How can someone bully you via the net? Just turn off the PC...presto! Bullying over. I'm sorry you allowed yourself to be blackmailed, but you learned a lesson.

As for newbies, there HAS to be some modicum of common sense. If you think someone is mistreating you, then someone IS! Leave..run away. Don't come here and ask if you are being mistreated. I see that time and time again. Everyone has his or her own definition of what constitutes mistreatment. What may be for you, may not be for me. We all have to take responsibility for our actions.

(in reply to youngsubmission)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 4:14:40 PM

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No they aren't. any Dom/me that has to bully , doesn't know how to dominate and should either learn, or find another hobby. Pushing someone else's sub around is asking for trouble.

I would never mistreat my sub he is everything to me and I will protect him, even if its from myself.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to youngsubmission)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 4:48:05 PM

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My thanks to Karamel Goddess for the actual definition. Always good to see folks on the boards who are helpful.

There are some bullies out there. I will certainly admit that. Truthfully, they usually crack Me up. I do not mean to show any disrespect, but I get a huge kick out of Those that will come into a chat room, for example, and just start commanding the subs to fall at their proverbial feet because they claim themselves to be dominant. I may not have been around the cyber world of it for long, but I can assure you, it doesn't work like that r/t. Actually, from what I've seen, doesn't work so great in the cyber world either. Point of the matter being, the type reminds Me more of a spoiled child, foot stamping, demanding to get their own way.

Thankfully, most of Us aren't like that. A lot of Us believe in respect. Personally, I hope I treat others in the manner I expect to be treated, both Dom/me and sub alike. If I haven't collared a sub, they have entitiled Me to no part of a power exchange. Being Domme doesn't give Me automatic authority over them. Some want that, and if I see it, I will gladly exert Myself over them, but if not, I don't.

As someone said prior, there are a lot of reputable Dom/me's on the boards. For the most part, you can tell which are which by the comments contained in their posts.

(in reply to Lashra)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 4:54:46 PM

FelinePersuasion

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Depends on what you classify bullying, Are they controlling every second of the subs day, or proposing to if they don't have one, are they saying you will do all the housework while I sito n my lazy ass?* which by the way I don't see as bullying just an example.* Define your idea of bullying.

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RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 4:56:20 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

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Great question

There are a lot of very unlikeable "keyboard warriors" attracted to BDSM

They think that being domineering makes you dominant. It does not. It tends to be newcomers (who come and go) that think rudeness and overt aggression (to everyone, not just subs!) is somehow "dominant" and courtesy is "submission"

Having said that, Dommes fall into two prototypes (and any combination in between of course): Bitch Goddess vs Maternal Figure.

I have seen Bitch Goddess's look like they are treating subs very badly, but it was always exactly what the sub wanted and enjoyed. Bitch Goddesses also put on a bit of a show to everyone and they are - frankly - bitchy. But that attracts some people.

Its best to ignore the bitchy type Dommes if you are looking for someone more "maternal".

_____________________________

<----- Corset, mask and collar designed and manufactured by metalsmith Karl H, chromed and lined in black suede. Masks and collars available from http://www.lucreziadesade.com.au/default.html. Corsets custom made only

(in reply to youngsubmission)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 7:27:08 PM

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Of course they're not the same thing. Lucky for us, there's always the ignore/block/delete thing.

Master Fire

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(in reply to youngsubmission)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 7:35:13 PM

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NO it isn't the same thing and yes a bully will come back until someone stands their grounds and he leaves with a bloody nose or black eye,,So stand your ground is my view if the situation...bounty

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RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 9:35:33 PM

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Dear youngsubmission, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Bullies exist everywhere and in different forms, in different genders, races and even in religion and or political arenas--as well as life itself. From school days to the present.

It is a real problem and at times I wonder in my mind, if it is due to insecurity and or primal human establishing the pecking order. As children behavior and attitude are formed by the enviorment, our peers and or parents and adults.

It boils down to how you teach other people to treat you. Once an adult its time to take ownership of attitude and behaviors which others interact with you.

I see Dominants (male/female alike) who bully, really do not have a lot of resources and or education and or knowledge to be more 'tactical' and 'clever' -- as well as they are really negative individuals in the first place and place blame on others for their misery, which they cause themselves. Stepping on other's toes isn't something that leaves a positive impression on others with.

What is even worse these days are Dominants bullying other Dominants. In my mind's eyes--it is unnecessary. But, it will happen.
Since bullies like attention and power, the best tactic is ignoring them and when they cause attention, to direct it back to the bully. Usually, they have said or done something rude, crude and instead of 'hurting' the intended target--they hurt others who witness such.

In my mind's eyes, a good Dominant doesn't need to bully, force, threaten, demand, command with rudeness and or profanity. A good Dominant will be very supportive and positive.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to youngsubmission)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/14/2007 10:07:23 PM

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There is absolutely a difference.
I know this because I made a senseless typo one time referring to my ex husbands’ domineering personality as Dominating, witch resulted in a mandatory three page homework assignment from my trainer on the difference between the two. So just trust me on this one…there is a difference.

(in reply to LadyHugs)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/15/2007 2:53:05 AM

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You are learning the difference between consensual and non-consensual.
Here is a great Web-site with resources and links
on Female Domination.

http://www.frugaldomme.com/

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to youngsubmission)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/15/2007 4:09:00 AM

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I did a blog on this subject last Sept. It is late and I'm feeling lazy, so I'm going to pull a bit from that blog rather than typing it out again in total. Hey, at least I fessed up to the fact I was being lazy

It never ceases to amaze me how many women mistake being a bitch for being Dominant. And by bitch, I don't mean the commanding, in-control woman who doesn't brook any nonsense. I mean the type of female (or male) who tries to manipulate others via bad temper, denigration and self aggrandizement.

There is nothing in the definition of control that mentions manipulation or the need to make the thing controlled lesser. Both of those are superfluous to the process. They are the hallmark of one who is not able to establish a sense of authority by positive means. You should never need to run someone down to control them. That indicates that YOUR power isn't sufficient for the task of control. Having to resort to any type of abuse is antithetical to the tenants of BDSM. http://www.sscn.org/abuse.html

Aka, if you have to bully to Dominate, you're not Dominant in my opinion.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to Vendaval)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/15/2007 4:51:47 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

It never ceases to amaze me how many women mistake being a bitch for being Dominant. ........
Aka, if you have to bully to Dominate, you're not Dominant in my opinion.

Maybe I am repeating myself here, but some submissives love being bullied. Humilation play for example can look very bitchy and unkind, but if its SSC isn't it a legitimate form of domination?

One man's meat is another's poison. I am a considerate and polite person. My style of Domination does not appeal to submissives who really want a "nasty" Mistress (demanding, humiliating, shouting, hard face slapping, spitting etc).

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 3/15/2007 5:21:40 AM >

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RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/15/2007 10:23:58 AM

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Dear MsCfromMelbourne, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In my mind's eyes I see, the 'jest' of the entire thread is the personality and behavior traits of those who would by external viewing and judgment would be bullying and or bullies. Those who are just plain mean, cruel, treat people like roadkill, disrespectful and pushing themselves on others. All negative traits and at times to a fanatic level of behavior.

Absent of consent, respect and boundaries of which most of those who practice M/s, D/s and or BDSM; some individuals are drawn to a fatal flaw in understanding what is basic human behavior and attitude that is crude, rude, insensitive, over-bearing, oppressive and bullying others without thinking of how it affects/effects others is the same as a carefully crafted, consensual behavior where it is mutually understood and the 'spirit of intent' is positive, in 'role' per se, in the 'style' per se of your personal relationships.

What is different between a bully and a Dominant, is that the Dominant contains their style and role as a bullying and humiliator of another in check and rarely spills outside their individual relationship. It would be no different in role playing an Inquisition frame of mind however, you stop when dealing with others outside that boundary, such as having tea at my home; you would be pleasant, polite and gentle company in my opinion, as well as to my lads in service.

Those who are bullies do not check their attitude and behavior at the door, when dealing with other people. They continue to be nasty and cruel to others, such as waitresses, service givers, the public and within their own family. There is nothing 'loving' about it. They must control everything and anybody with fear, terror, threats, insults and a whole menu of behaviors to which in time somebody will give them an attitude adjustment and behavior modification. Most times in vanilla situations its a Judge and jail is where they get an adjustment and modification. In D/s, M/s and or BDSM, peers are the 'judges.'

In my mind's eyes I see, those new to the lifestyle assume what they see by those who participate in a consensual 'bully/humiliation' role play, scenes and or style -- feel this is a trait or personality of "all" dominants. It is not the case. Only exposure to the scene, will their first impressions be tweeked as to see that it really is all about consensuality, care and understanding the intent and goals behind those who participate in humiliation. It reminds me of a movie, to which I forget the title of but, it was very old and in black and white; where there was a steeple chase race horse that somebody hopped onto and attempting to steel the horse. The horse was trained on commands that were totally opposite, thus sabotaged anybody attempting to control the horse who was unauthorized. So, the horse was approaching a huge hedge and told the horse "GO!" The horse suddenly dug the hooves into the ground and threw the rider into the hedge, where they were impaled on a branch. So, this particular horse's command for stop was go. This is what might help explain humiliation and bully styles; as so many are drummed that being cruel and humiliating is not wanted in 'the scene.'

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

< Message edited by LadyHugs -- 3/15/2007 10:25:43 AM >

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

RE: Are bullying and Dominating the same? - 3/15/2007 11:26:48 AM

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hmm im not sure id agree with you there Lady Pact that you can tell by the profile that they are not a bully, unfortunately as in real life in non domme situations, appearances can be scarily deceptive
kind concerns in difference
shamed

(in reply to LadyPact)

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