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Vespera -> RE: Cutting (3/27/2007 3:51:00 AM)
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i just went through and read every single reply, looking for a solution. i dont cut anymore, i did for years and then i just replaced it with something else. and something else. and something else. i guess if the self-loathing is strong enough, it always wins in the end. but i dont cut anymore. ill tell you what worked for me. im not recommending it, either.
i woke up on a cot in a psych ward with my wrists bandaged. i have no idea how i got there, to this day i have no idea. i was locked up for three weeks, evaluated, tested, and finally, finally, let back out.
i was unconscious when they admitted me and my (ex)husband who found me told them it was attempted suicide.
it was nothing of the kind.
i just wasnt feeling too chipper that day.
i HAVE been suicidal, sure, im sure a lot of cutters have felt that compulsion. its fascinating. its addictive. its dangerous as hell.
so that cured me. cold turkey. i cant ever be locked up again. it will not happen. cannot be allowed. that was the worst time of my life. that was hell on earth. there were catatonics, there were schizophrenics, there were people who screamed all night and all day. there were no mirrors and the windows all had saf-t glas and wire. the bathroom stalls had no doors. they took my shoes and my jewelry. the staff didnt look at me, they looked THROUGH me; just another nameless face, just another loser, just another stupid waste of time. and i cant go back there.
and i think thats where this path leads. eventually the wrong person finds out and tries to admit you for your own safety or you just accidentally on purpose push the razor a little wee bit too deep one day and hit a vein and wind up in autopsy room 4 with some attendant standing over your corpse; a ham sandwich in one hand and a pair of surgical shears in the other.
both of these options frankly scare the hell out of me. i was, you could say, scared straight.
as i previously mentioned, i read what others had to say about this, as it concerns me very personally, and the suggestion of the elastic hair tie or rubber band seems feasible... and tattoos and piercings are definitely another option.
i wish you the best. youre probably a perfectionist and lonely in your own head because all the people in there hate you and you just want to numb up. i sympathize. i wish i had a cure. i dont. but anytime you want to vent, i can listen. im pretty good at that, anyway.
love,
vespera
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