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should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 2:36:39 PM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
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after a 2 yr. relationship, and on O/our 2nd anniversery i ended it with my now ex-Master.
i felt that i was being abused and He thought i was lying to Him and hiding things from Him.
i admit that i was not completely open with Him toward the end, but then by that time it was obvious that i was being abused, and what i was doing was my form of self-preservation. i NEVER hid it from Him, He refused to see it and i NEVER lied to Him, He didnt ask the question. had i informed Him of what i was thinking, on my own, He may have done much more serious to harmed me.
it has been over 2 months. W/we have not stopped speaking.
He came by and told me that He is willing to try to work things out.
W/we DO love each other.
i am active in my local BDSM community and have a Mentor since O/our break-up. She is fully informed of what is going on.
after O/our talk, i decided that i would send Him a list of the things that would HAVE to change for me to even consider taking Him back. one of which is He must accept a Mentor and council from a Dom in the group. if He refuses on, not only this point, but a few others as well, all negotiations stop!
i made it perfectally clear that i no longer belong to Him and am a semi-free agent.
i also brought home to Him why i am the bodyguard for my Chief and that the only reason i have yet to rip Him apart IS because i love Him.
now, i would like to know if anyone beside myself (at times) thinks i am brain dead for even considering this.

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RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 2:41:56 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

i would recommend seeking kink-friendly couple's counseling as well, or if there is a licensed mental health worker in your group who specializes in that kind of thing, seeking out their help.

if you honestly feel you are being abused, imho, it is not safe to get back together with him until you've both received a whole hell of a lot of counseling and it's clear that the abusive behaviors in him have stopped.

i think it's good that you are trying to work things out, but please be careful and do not do so at the expense of your own safety. sometimes, even when you really love someone, it's much better to let things go than to continue a dynamic that's hurtful. but it seems like you both have your own issues with what happened, and maybe if those can be worked out, the relationship can be saved. i'm not in any place to say whether or not you should take him back, at least i don't feel that i am, but i do wish you both the best and i hope that the situation works out for you.

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Post #: 2

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 2:45:26 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
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Well you told him what you need to condiser getting back with him. Is seemsyou too were lacking communication(sp) a bit. I think you should get a list from him of what he needs to get back together also see if you are both on the same page. If he says he will get a mentoe you can work on it ans\d see if you can get past old hurts. My advice is if you do decide to go for it just go real slow.

Matt's littleone

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Post #: 3

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 2:54:15 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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I suspect this thread is going to be a good example... of why one should consider a person's posting history when giving advice. That the narrow history of this single post is not enough to give the advise that is needed.

aettiger/MLSkajira.. you need to have a healthy relationship with self before you can expect to have a healthy relationship with another.

annabelle's advice is in the right direction.. but not nearly far enough in that direction

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 3/18/2007 2:55:05 PM >

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 4

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 2:55:38 PM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35

Well you told him what you need to condiser getting back with him. Is seemsyou too were lacking communication(sp) a bit. I think you should get a list from him of what he needs to get back together also see if you are both on the same page. If he says he will get a mentoe you can work on it ans\d see if you can get past old hurts. My advice is if you do decide to go for it just go real slow.

Matt's littleone

when He said He wanted a list from me, i let Him know that i would expect one from Him as well.
no relationship is a one way street and i am well aware that i can only give Y/you good P/people one view of the overall picture.

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Post #: 5

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 3:02:57 PM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hisannabelle

i would recommend seeking kink-friendly couple's counseling as well, or if there is a licensed mental health worker in your group who specializes in that kind of thing, seeking out their help.

if you honestly feel you are being abused, imho, it is not safe to get back together with him until you've both received a whole hell of a lot of counseling and it's clear that the abusive behaviors in him have stopped.

i think it's good that you are trying to work things out, but please be careful and do not do so at the expense of your own safety. sometimes, even when you really love someone, it's much better to let things go than to continue a dynamic that's hurtful. but it seems like you both have your own issues with what happened, and maybe if those can be worked out, the relationship can be saved. i'm not in any place to say whether or not you should take him back, at least i don't feel that i am, but i do wish you both the best and i hope that the situation works out for you.

if i were only listening to my heart, i would have never left in the first place.
and although i never wanted to cease being His pet, i know that i am worth being treated in a kind, respectful manner and REFUSE to be with A/anyone who does not know that..... ANYONE, even my own son.(who is almost 17 by the way)
my willingness to consider taking Him back does not mean that i am going to lower my standards, on the contrary, it is meant to raise His, and if it does not, then i will find my One and He can live life the way He choses... with someone else.

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Post #: 6

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 3:15:48 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Demand he completes some anger management therapy before even considering starting over. This will tell you if he's serious or just making promises like most abusers.

Six months anger management for him, six months therapy for you. Both to start within one month.

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 7

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 3:30:51 PM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

I suspect this thread is going to be a good example... of why one should consider a person's posting history when giving advice. That the narrow history of this single post is not enough to give the advise that is needed.

aettiger/MLSkajira.. you need to have a healthy relationship with self before you can expect to have a healthy relationship with another.

annabelle's advice is in the right direction.. but not nearly far enough in that direction

i am well aware that what i have offered is a very condensed version of the situation, but in the intrest of time and writing space i posted it the way i did, with what i consider the "gist" of it.
when He first met me i had very low self-esteem, and had no fondness for myself at all, but after going back to school ( at His insistance) i learned just how intelligent i really am and dealing with His anger taught me just how strong i am and what my true worth is.
when i first met Him,. You are right, i did not have a healthy relationship with myself ..... but i do now.

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Post #: 8

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 3:42:40 PM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

i agree celeste43.
the fear that He may be just spouting meaningless promises is what prompted me to insist on the counciling.
i am sure that i instigated some of the problems W/we had, but no O/one deserves to be beaten regularly, unless they specifically ask for it, and i did not. on the contrary, i told Him from the beginning that i am NOT a pain slut and do not enjoy being treated like one.
i am more than willing to undergo counciling to repair this but if He doesnt at least make an attempt, then i am done and will walk away without a backwards glance.

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Post #: 9

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 4:48:28 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Some comments about stuff I see...

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger
i felt that i was being abused and He thought i was lying to Him and hiding things from Him.

There's deep issues here. Both of you are suspicious of the other and that can be a vicious cycle. But, even if you work through that, you still have the underlying thing: You FELT you were being abused.

quote:

i admit that i was not completely open with Him toward the end, but then by that time it was obvious that i was being abused, and what i was doing was my form of self-preservation. i NEVER hid it from Him, He refused to see it and i NEVER lied to Him, He didn’t ask the question.

So, not only did you feel abused, you felt betrayed and misunderstood. Two more things to note.

quote:

had i informed Him of what i was thinking, on my own, He may have done much more serious to harmed me.

You felt you had to resort to lying in order to protect yourself. Another thing to note.

quote:

it has been over 2 months. W/we have not stopped speaking.

Why?

quote:

He came by and told me that He is willing to try to work things out.

While I can't say if he actually is an abuser or not, you felt that he was. You also know that this statement is classic abuser behavior. "I can change..." is often used.

quote:

W/we DO love each other.

Yes, but it is a valid thing to decided that, even though you love someone, they are a toxic relationship for you...and step away.

quote:

i am active in my local BDSM community and have a Mentor since O/our break-up. She is fully informed of what is going on.

What does she think?

quote:

after O/our talk, i decided that i would send Him a list of the things that would HAVE to change for me to even consider taking Him back. one of which is He must accept a Mentor and council from a Dom in the group. if He refuses on, not only this point, but a few others as well, all negotiations stop!

Major problem here: going into a relationship expecting the other person to change is a bad idea. Change is hard and therefore unlikely. Instead of doing this, you must discern if you can be with the person as they are now. Are you getting a fair exchange in the relationship or would you be selling yourself in order to have their love and approval?

quote:

i made it perfectally clear that i no longer belong to Him and am a semi-free agent.

If he's your ex, why would you have to make this clear? It should already be clear. Something to note.

quote:

i also brought home to Him why i am the bodyguard for my Chief and that the only reason i have yet to rip Him apart IS because i love Him.

Big red flag...if he elicits a violent reaction from you, this is not healthy. You are not reacting in a positive manner and are working from a place of fear. In my opinion, you need to step back and focus on yourself and look at why you are reacting in this way. If he elicits such strong negativity from you, it's not a healthy relationship.

quote:

now, i would like to know if anyone beside myself (at times) thinks i am brain dead for even considering this.

No, not braindead. You are simply being human...one who wants nothing more than to be loved and accepted. In my opinion, you can find someone who is better matched in order to fulfill this need.

Master Fire

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Post #: 10

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 4:58:35 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

If you think he is abuser then why go back? Love doesn't change the abuse. He cannot change his ways until he acknowledges he has a problem. Which from what you say he is not. I think you have answered your own question.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

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Post #: 11

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 6:44:26 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Relationships are a two way street. It takes two to make one work and two to destroy one. As other's have already stated counseling should be on the horizon but it shouldn't be because you are demanding it.
If he wants the relationship to flourish he will get it on his own.
If not, maybe he isn't into it as much as you are.

If you force someone to do something they don't want to do it usually ends up bad in the end.
If that is the case, you already have your answer.

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 12

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 7:03:04 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

Relationships are a two way street. It takes two to make one work and two to destroy one.

I have a slightly different take on this.

It takes one person to destroy a relationship.

It takes the other person to not go out and start a new relationship with the same parameters.

Change can only happen in a relationship if both people willingly try to do so.

Sinergy

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Post #: 13

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/18/2007 10:19:36 PM

hurricane1

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline

It's almost always a mistake to go back. Even if you love him, and he loves you, once a certain amount of damage is done it can't be undone. It's very rare for people to really change, though it is possible, but it usually takes time outside a relationship - like a year or more - for a person to do the inner work required to really be introspective and change his or her ways. And one must really *want* to change.

It's hard to give up someone you love, even if he or she is bad for you, but it almost always just prolongs the pain if you go back, and a painful ending is practically inevitable. All relationships take work, of course, but it doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible. Oddly, those relationships can have the hottest sex and strongest emotions and be the hardest to give up. In my opinion, you will be much better off to make a clean break now than trying to move on in a relationship with such serious issues.

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 14

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/19/2007 6:40:21 AM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

everything that has been said to me is something i DO know. the way it is, the relationship is toxic, W/we both have issues with each O/other, the trust thing is just a part of it, but as it has been pointed out, when Y/you love S/someone, sometimes it is hard to let go. and both of U/us are willing to try to repair it. W/we have different ideas about how that should be done, but W/we ARE willing to try and W/we have also agreed that if this doesnt work, W/we will count it as a learning experiance and seperate as friendly as W/we can
MasterFireMaam, She (my Mentor) says She will allow U/us to communicate as She knows this pet's heart, but refuses to let Him spend ANY time alone with me. most communications W/we have, go through Her and when He contacts me directly, She is immediantely informed.
and in O/our last conversation, He told me that He didnt think it was abuse at the time, but with time and some emotion seperating U/us from the events, He says that He now can see that it was, not that it really matters, i just wanted E/everyone to know that He has acknowleged it.

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378-828-272

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Post #: 15

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/19/2007 8:11:10 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger
...now, i would like to know if anyone beside myself (at times) thinks i am brain dead for even considering this.

brain-dead? no, because you ended it and didn't just jump back into his arms after licking your wounds for a few days.

setting yourself up for the overwhelming probablility of more hurt, confusion, disappointment, abuse and heart-ache by re-establishing a relationship with someone who you ended it with because they abused you? yes, because this slave has never met anyone who doesn't speak of their participation in an abusive relationship(abuser or abusee) in anything but the past tense.

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Post #: 16

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/19/2007 8:44:52 AM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger
...now, i would like to know if anyone beside myself (at times) thinks i am brain dead for even considering this.

brain-dead? no, because you ended it and didn't just jump back into his arms after licking your wounds for a few days.

setting yourself up for the overwhelming probablility of more hurt, confusion, disappointment, abuse and heart-ache by re-establishing a relationship with someone who you ended it with because they abused you? yes, because this slave has never met anyone who doesn't speak of their participation in an abusive relationship(abuser or abusee) in anything but the past tense.

now that makes more sense than i have heard in a long time....... thank you, you are so very correct, i have never heard A/anyone say that T/they are in a relationship with the one who abused T/them. it is always that the abuser is long gone, or T/they are still having to deal with the abuse.
you have given me something to think long and hard about.
but, god help me, i melt when i hear His voice.

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378-828-272

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Post #: 17

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/19/2007 8:55:42 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

You don't have to stop wanting them or even loving them, you just have to stop being with them.

I hope that god does help you in the times you don't find the strength to help yourself.

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Post #: 18

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/19/2007 9:10:30 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger
...now, i would like to know if anyone beside myself (at times) thinks i am brain dead for even considering this.

brain-dead? no, because you ended it and didn't just jump back into his arms after licking your wounds for a few days.

setting yourself up for the overwhelming probablility of more hurt, confusion, disappointment, abuse and heart-ache by re-establishing a relationship with someone who you ended it with because they abused you? yes, because this slave has never met anyone who doesn't speak of their participation in an abusive relationship(abuser or abusee) in anything but the past tense.

now that makes more sense than i have heard in a long time....... thank you, you are so very correct, i have never heard A/anyone say that T/they are in a relationship with the one who abused T/them. it is always that the abuser is long gone, or T/they are still having to deal with the abuse.
you have given me something to think long and hard about.
but, god help me, i melt when i hear His voice.

you are most welcome.

this slave had a near death experience with an abusive partner, who, prior to it, had apologized profusely for the previous black eyes and lost tooth and had even attended anger management classes.

his voice melted her heart as well--we had a wee one together, too--but continuing to hear his voice and believing the lies he continued to tell this slave and himself wasn't worth taking the chance that one day he would silence this slave forever.

this slave wishes you strength!!!

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 19

RE: should i take Him back? - 3/19/2007 9:23:37 AM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger
...now, i would like to know if anyone beside myself (at times) thinks i am brain dead for even considering this.

brain-dead? no, because you ended it and didn't just jump back into his arms after licking your wounds for a few days.

setting yourself up for the overwhelming probablility of more hurt, confusion, disappointment, abuse and heart-ache by re-establishing a relationship with someone who you ended it with because they abused you? yes, because this slave has never met anyone who doesn't speak of their participation in an abusive relationship(abuser or abusee) in anything but the past tense.

now that makes more sense than i have heard in a long time....... thank you, you are so very correct, i have never heard A/anyone say that T/they are in a relationship with the one who abused T/them. it is always that the abuser is long gone, or T/they are still having to deal with the abuse.
you have given me something to think long and hard about.
but, god help me, i melt when i hear His voice.

you are most welcome.

this slave had a near death experience with an abusive partner, who, prior to it, had apologized profusely for the previous black eyes and lost tooth and had even attended anger management classes.

his voice melted her heart as well--we had a wee one together, too--but continuing to hear his voice and believing the lies he continued to tell this slave and himself wasn't worth taking the chance that one day he would silence this slave forever.

this slave wishes you strength!!!

your words brought tears to my eyes. thank Y/you to all who have given me words of encourgement.... i know i will need them

_____________________________

378-828-272

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 20

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