Would it be closing one side off?

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Would it be closing one side off? - 3/18/2007 5:44:44 PM

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I have had this question on My mind a lot the past couple of days and wanted to get some feedback. I have recently began looking for a male sub again. I have been contacted by male switches and responded by saying no, that I am looking for a sub and not a switch. The reason I have been responding this way is while the submissive side would match, there would be no place with Me for their dominant side. Much like as I would also respond to, say, a CD, as I have no use for a man who appears to be a woman. I would feel that while he could (and probably would) dress as a man for Me, there would be a part of the CD that would be denying himself.

My question is this. Am I thinking along the right terms in this? Is it best to reject switches right away as there non submissive side would be closed off? Or, do some find it acceptable, and would rather assume either one role or the other with particular people? Your comments and opinions are greatly appreciated.

Lady Pact

RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/18/2007 6:28:32 PM

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Some switches are wired so that they feel only one kind of energy with a particular person. It depends on the people involved. But, if they are truly a switch, even if they feel only submissive with you, they will most likely need an outlet for their Dominance. Are you willing to share them in a poly relationship?

Master Fire

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RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/18/2007 6:52:05 PM

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Hi,
First off I'm a newbie to a lot of this. But I think of being a switch is like being bisexual. I'm personally bisexual and I'm with a guy, yet I have no desire right now to be with a girl. Nor in the near future. Maybe some of the male switches would be very happy being just submissive. I think it would really come down to the guy. You might be able to find out by asking them, if they have enough self knowledge they should be able to know.

I'm pretty much guessing, but I hope I was able to help to some degree.
Sun&Moon

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/18/2007 11:59:35 PM

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My thanks MasterFireMaam. As with other posts that I have seen you write, your perspective is well considered.

Moon, My thanks to you as well. I am glad to see other perspectives.

(in reply to SunNMoon)

RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/19/2007 5:10:03 AM

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I have to agree, wholeheartedly, with MasterFireMa'am's comment.

I don't know if you are active in your local BDSM community, but if you are you might also consider that a male switch might happily be your dedicated sub, and express his Top/Dom nature by playing at parties, with no desire to have an extended relationship with a sub outside of that.

You should also ask if they are sub/Dom switch, or if they are just bottom/Top switch. That perspective might help a great deal.

~E

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/19/2007 11:31:51 AM

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Are you willing to let them express the alpha part of their personality in other contexts or with other people?
Are you willing to deal with a SAM. I think being a SAM is sometimes a manifestation of being an alpha sub. Of course if you are willing to deal with a SAM you need to be clear what permissible SAMing looks like and what inpermissible SAMing looks like.

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RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/19/2007 4:56:32 PM

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I agree - "switch" is such a relative term that you really should take the time to find out what THEY mean by 'switch'.

For me, I am MOSTLY sub, and only OCCASIONALLY get a Dom itch, and only with certain people. Also, I think it is fair for me to say "switch" because I have a pretty strong personality in other areas of my life.

fergus

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RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/20/2007 6:53:58 PM

Laura

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I think it depends on what kind of relationship you are looking for as well. If he is one of a pack a close fit doesn't matter so much. If you want something without sharing or other people then it matters more to have a close fit in your needs and his.

I'm a Switch. It's easier to say I'm a Dominant cause people understand that and I am dominant when I meet new people. The submissive side is far more vulnerable and not something I would share with someone casually. There would have to be some real trust and committment before I'd be comfortable enough to let that side of myself come out.

To me it sounds like you're planning something casual, or short lived. So why not listen to what they say, see if who they are fits with who you are.

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RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/21/2007 9:00:58 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fergus

For me, I am MOSTLY sub, and only OCCASIONALLY get a Dom itch, and only with certain people. Also, I think it is fair for me to say "switch" because I have a pretty strong personality in other areas of my life.

fergus

EXACTLY....!!!!!!

(in reply to fergus)

RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/21/2007 1:25:24 PM

veronicaboundcd

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As someone who has played about every role that I could in this lifestyle, I'll answer Your question from my personal experiences. I can assume the role or place as a submissive as either a male or CD, with a very different aspect on the domination, as it's almost as if I am two different people. However, since I have been both the Dom and Domme, in my past, it's hard to submit fully, as the mind always drifts into the dominant mode, and starts second guessing everything that happens or might happen. If You are looking for a true submissive, a switch may not be the answer. And you are correct on the CD issue ....no matter how great everything may start off, that part of his life will surface at some point in the relationship, as it's just the nature of the beast. I have had some great times with other switches, but they always lacked the intensity that comes with being with a truly dominant or truly submissive partner. You know what You are looking for in a submissive, who will follow Your game plan ..... a Switch or a Cd may have a game plan of their own !!! I will add, that I think it may be very possible to have a good BDSM relationship with a CD or switch as a submissive, if that person has other outlets to satisfy his or her other desires and kinks, but in Your case, there are so many other male subs out there, that You might want to start with a blank slate.

(in reply to stockingluvr54)

RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/21/2007 5:51:06 PM

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My thanks to everyone who took the time to answer from their perspective. The search continues.

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RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/23/2007 12:36:33 AM

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Interesting, Veronicaboundcd. While I am sure your experience is true for you, I do not feel that my dominance or submission are lessened merely because I engage in the other. As a switch I have found the absolute depths of my submission happily. I know my Master does not value my submission any less just because I also Domme my brat. Certainly I cannot imagine being dominant or even sassy with Him. My experiences with other switches have also been fulfilling.

To the OP, I think it would depend on the person, as so many have said, and whether or not they were able to fulfill their dominant needs outside the relationship, should those desires arise.

(in reply to veronicaboundcd)

RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 3/25/2007 1:25:43 PM

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Thank you, Beltainefaerie, for your answer to the question. I ended up having just that very discussion today. There is one in particular that has caught My eye, but there is much to be considered.

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RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 4/5/2007 10:41:24 PM

arayofsunshine55

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I think this is a very individual thing. It's like thinking bisexuals cannot be monogamous. For me it si about oportunity. None of this is for me about anything I HAVE to do or I'll die or be miserable. It is about what I choose to embrace. I'm very malleable. Very flexible. So I would talk to the switches cause we come in many, many, many different forms.

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(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 4/6/2007 7:26:01 AM

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quote:

The submissive side is far more vulnerable and not something I would share with someone casually.

I feel this way as well. Submissiveness = vulnerability to me. My submissive side is something I rarely give. I am dominant in real time. I want to be submissive to a man, I just need to make sure that the one I am with is the one I want to be that vulnerable with.

(in reply to Laura)

RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 4/6/2007 11:33:40 PM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SunNMoon

But I think of being a switch is like being bisexual. I'm personally bisexual and I'm with a guy, yet I have no desire right now to be with a girl. Nor in the near future.

Well put and insightful, SunNMoon.

This matches well with my own experiences.

I suspect I'm bisexual as far as physical contact is concerned, with a preference for female or intersex partners. I still have some male social conditioning issues about it, and some theological issues that I haven't had the time to resolve, so I doubt I'll be having sex with another man, but I have no problem saying that some guy is hot if I see one, and I appreciate being told the same by gay/bi men.

Similarly, I'm symmetrical around the D/s axis, with a preference for submissive partners. My wiring from early childhood has been primarily dominant, and the symmetry was a later development, just like the (later) potential bi orientation was.

Many of the switches on this board appear to be the kind that originated the term; that is, they can switch from submissive to dominant or vice-versa in the context of a scene. That isn't me at all, and I'd not respond well to someone trying to "turn the tables", so I can understand LadyPact's reluctance to take on a switch.

If the switches in question are like me, however, it shouldn't be a problem. And I don't think closing off one side of yourself is a problem, any more than being monogamous is problematic for a bi person.

Similarly, though, I see some otherwise non-poly switches that have both a Dom and a sub as being an expression of the same thing that causes some bi people to go out and have affairs when they realize they are bi. These might have a problem with closing off one side of themselves.

As always, talking about it in detail, and negotiating an agreement that will serve both of the parties well, is paramount. If these are the "wrong" (for her) kind of switches, then it just wouldn't work. If they are the "right" (again, for her) kind of switches, then it would probably stand as much chance as any other relationship with a sub.

(in reply to SunNMoon)

RE: Would it be closing one side off? - 4/7/2007 11:10:01 AM

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There are no tests or standards that determine whether someone is dominant, submissive or switch. It is all self-labeling. I self-identify as a submissive because I am at the extreme submissive end of the dominance-submissive scale - 95% submissive. This is because, most of the time, I want to be on the submissive side of the equation. However, on very rare occasions and with very, very submissive persons (usually female but not always), I enjoy being on the dominant side. However, since this occurs so infrequently and is something I don’t actively seek, I don’t see a reason to identify as a switch. I once saw a psychologist on television talking about sexual orientation and he stated that you are what you fantasize about. I think that also applies to power orientation and almost all of my fantasies have me in the submissive role.

I very much relate to the original question posted:

quote:

I have had this question on My mind a lot the past couple of days and wanted to get some feedback. I have recently began looking for a male sub again. I have been contacted by male switches and responded by saying no, that I am looking for a sub and not a switch. The reason I have been responding this way is while the submissive side would match, there would be no place with Me for their dominant side.

As a submissive I have the same problem when contacted by a switch. I’m obviously looking for a dominant. My initial thought was to ignore or politely decline contacts from switches. But on further consideration, I’ve come to realize that power orientation is really determined at the person-to-person level. When I self-identify as a submissive, what I am really saying is that most of the time, in my relationship with another individual, I want them to be in the dominant position and I want to submit to them. I’ve learned to compartmentalize my submission to them from their submission to someone else. Of course, this works better with switches who are mostly dominant and only occasionally submit.

An example from the vanilla world: I once worked in a section of a large company headed by the consummate Alpha Male who was THE BOSS and obviously enjoyed being kiss-up to by his subordinates. But when he interacted with his boss, he was the biggest ass-kisser in the company. Again, power orientation depends on the person with whom you are interacting.

So I have no problem submitting to someone who is a switch especially if they only occasionally switch with someone else. One thing I do have a real problem with though-and this may be my particular quirk - is switching within a relationship. I just cannot do it. If someone, although a switch, is dominant in relation to me, I cannot deal with that person wanting me to dominate them. I know it is very common for a people to jump back and forth from dominating a person to submitting to that same person but that’s just not for me.

(in reply to LadyPact)

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