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RE: Second Chances - 3/23/2007 8:37:21 PM

hawkwolf7

Posts: 85
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

Personally, I think newbies are a special case.

For some (I was one), happiness in the lifestyle requires a mental paradigm shift that comes about through "deprogramming" themselves away from the cultural definitions of what is okay and what is not okay; then reprogramming. For example, I struggled with calling myself a sadist. I'm not a sadist by the clinical definition because I require their consent before I will hurt someone. But, once I reprogrammed the definition to include people who require consent, then I was happy to have my bottom to call me a "sadistic mother fu....."

Like any situation where you are altering your programming, it will be a "two steps forward, one step back" process. So, I would say that newbies who leave the lifestyle are more common than not. And some (hopefully most) will come back. Then they will hit the next barrier in their self-acceptance and have to drop out for awhile... or forever.

I guess what I am getting to here is this: since you are in a situation where you are dealing with lots of newbies, it is important to understand that they will be going through this process for awhile. No, let me rephrase that. In order to be happy in the lifestyle, they MUST go through this process.

So, when I am in your shoes, I remind myself of the process, manage my expectations and give them another chance.

As to my success rate, it depends on how you define success. My goal with a newbie is to introduce them to the lifestyle in a supportive and constructive manner, and let them decide what works for them. In that sense, I have been 100% successful. If I define success as people who decide that the lifestyle works for them and (eventually) stay, then I have been 100% successful. But that has more to do with their efforts than it does with mine. If I define success as finding my life partner, I have been 0% successful. But, I knew the risks going in, and I remain very happy with the results.

HW

(in reply to Morghan)

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RE: Second Chances - 3/26/2007 11:40:58 AM

Morghan

Posts: 99
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

HW:

Fantastic, well worded response. Thanks for helping put things in perspective!

(in reply to hawkwolf7)

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Post #: 22

RE: Second Chances - 3/26/2007 12:00:36 PM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

I believe in second chances…for misunderstandings. It’s no misunderstanding if someone dates someone else while in a monogamous relationship, however. Robbing a bank or molesting a youngster is NOT a misunderstanding. A misunderstanding is “I thought you said you were going to do this” or “I thought you said you were not going to do that”.

For things like misunderstandings…a second chance is only fair; after all, I coulda had it wrong; the ‘mistake’ could very well be mine.

I’m with some of the other posters here though; I’ll give another chance until it becomes obviously repetitive. I’m not a fan of drama………

If it’s not fun…why bother???
bearlee

(in reply to Morghan)

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RE: Second Chances - 3/26/2007 7:29:26 PM

hawkwolf7

Posts: 85
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

Morghan,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad that what I wrote could help.

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Post #: 24