childhood abuse and BDSM (Full Version)

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pinkkeith -> childhood abuse and BDSM (3/30/2007 10:51:55 AM)

I had perhaps the best Dominate that I have ever submitted to in my life for the past two months. Heck, it was probably the best person that has been in my life. Yet, Wednesday night I lost it all. I did something that I shouldn't have done and now I am regretting it. I had some break ups in my life, but nothing like the one that I had with her. I always thought that communication was the best way for any relationship to work, but somehow the communication broke down.

There have been times when she has been angry with me and she wanted me to submit to her while she scoled me. I just couldn't bring myself to do it because of past childhood abuse. She would make it worse when she would grab my collar and tighten it. I don't have a lot of recall how my abuse happened, but for some reason this triggered it for me the worse. I did tell her that her actions caused me to remember bad experiences in my past and I thought I recall her saying that she wouldn't do it again.

Then last night she was angry with me again. I didn't submit to her which just made her more angry. I wanted to, I really did, but the flood of memories came back into my mind. I couldn't even begin to tell her why I didn't. I did mention it once, and it was only the second time in my life I have ever told anyone about it. Yet, I never did tell her why I couldn't submit when she was angry. I had to leave her and go to a quiet place in hopes that she will settle down.

Last night was different. She grabbed and twisted my collar again. I yelled at her to stop, but she didn't, so I pushed her away. I can remember when my abuser tried to do what she did with me again when I was in my early twenties. I pushed her away. It was the first time I have ever fought back in my life and it last time the abuser ever abused me again. I don't know 100% that this was the reason why I did this to my dominate, but it happened. This brought up memories of abuse to her and she had me kicked out of her house.

Has this ever happened to anyone else who experienced childhood abuse?



onestandingstill -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (3/30/2007 12:53:18 PM)

Search here in the forums search feature for flashback or bad trip or childhood abuse.
There's many a sub who's discussed in here over the past years that their abuse in prior times came up during their BDSM relationships.
It's pretty common, you're not alone, and you're not unique in this.
I think you should just open up to your Mistress fully all the things that haunt you. If she understands where your head is about the abuse you'd endured in your youth maybe she'll be better able to help you work through the negative feelings and associations you have.
I can also say when you start to trip out remember she has your best interest at heart, she's not the person who violated you and abused you, she's the one who cares about you and uses you hard for both your growth and pleasure.
Good Luck,
suzanne



Vendaval -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (3/30/2007 12:58:07 PM)

Yes, this happens.  Do you have a friend who can spend time
with you and be a good listener?  You can also try searching
for a Kink Aware Professional in your area -
 
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/



pinkkeith -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (3/31/2007 9:54:02 AM)

Thanks for the advice; I will take them to heart. I called up a close friend today and we had a long talk and I'm feeling much better. I'm going to write to her as well. I know that she won't have me back, but at least it will be therapy for me.



alandraofMists -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (3/31/2007 4:40:03 PM)







quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkkeith

I had perhaps the best Dominate that I have ever submitted to in my life for the past two months. Heck, it was probably the best person that has been in my life. Yet, Wednesday night I lost it all. I did something that I shouldn't have done and now I am regretting it. I had some break ups in my life, but nothing like the one that I had with her. I always thought that communication was the best way for any relationship to work, but somehow the communication broke down.



You have known this dominate for two months or you have been submitting to her for two months?


quote:

There have been times when she has been angry with me and she wanted me to submit to her while she scoled me. I just couldn't bring myself to do it because of past childhood abuse. She would make it worse when she would grab my collar and tighten it. I don't have a lot of recall how my abuse happened, but for some reason this triggered it for me the worse. I did tell her that her actions caused me to remember bad experiences in my past and I thought I recall her saying that she wouldn't do it again.



So what I understand in this paragraph is that because you would not submit to her when she was angry she would get more angry and become physical in demonstrating that anger? 


quote:

Then last night she was angry with me again. I didn't submit to her which just made her more angry. I wanted to, I really did, but the flood of memories came back into my mind. I couldn't even begin to tell her why I didn't. I did mention it once, and it was only the second time in my life I have ever told anyone about it. Yet, I never did tell her why I couldn't submit when she was angry. I had to leave her and go to a quiet place in hopes that she will settle down.



What I am reading here is that she was getting angrier and would not listen to why you where having the problem... so you removed yourself so that all parties involved could calm down, is this correct?

quote:

Last night was different. She grabbed and twisted my collar again. I yelled at her to stop, but she didn't, so I pushed her away. I can remember when my abuser tried to do what she did with me again when I was in my early twenties. I pushed her away. It was the first time I have ever fought back in my life and it last time the abuser ever abused me again. I don't know 100% that this was the reason why I did this to my dominate, but it happened. This brought up memories of abuse to her and she had me kicked out of her house.



You pushed her away and this brought up memories of her abuse... so she kicked you out of the house. Interesting, that if she feels so strongly about her own abuse that she would not be more understanding of how her behaviour with her anger affects you.  That being the case... the question it really comes down to in my opinion is who is in control of her behaviour, her or her anger? 




quote:

Has this ever happened to anyone else who experienced childhood abuse? 


I have not had physical abuse in the way you have... my abuse was sexual abuse... i had some triggers that would cause me to react negatively tied to that abuse... I expressed them to my Lord and He took the time to work through them and replaced the negative memories with good memories so that he could do what he wished with me and not have me react with negative emotions or reactions. In my opinion, a good Top/Dom/Master will work through issues not demand submission despite them.

Knight's alandra



pinkkeith -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/1/2007 1:17:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alandraofMists

You have known this dominate for two months or you have been submitting to her for two months?



I have known her for three months and submitted to her for two.

quote:

ORIGINAL: alandraofMists
So what I understand in this paragraph is that because you would not submit to her when she was angry she would get more angry and become physical in demonstrating that anger? 


Not always physical. It was mostly verbal anger, but I never react to that very well. There has been times when she has been physical such as grabbing me or twisting my collar.

quote:

ORIGINAL: alandraofMists
What I am reading here is that she was getting angrier and would not listen to why you where having the problem... so you removed yourself so that all parties involved could calm down, is this correct?


Yes, that is correct.

quote:

ORIGINAL: alandraofMists
You pushed her away and this brought up memories of her abuse... so she kicked you out of the house. Interesting, that if she feels so strongly about her own abuse that she would not be more understanding of how her behaviour with her anger affects you.  That being the case... the question it really comes down to in my opinion is who is in control of her behaviour, her or her anger? 


That's how I feel as well, but I don't know if that is factual.

quote:

ORIGINAL: alandraofMists
I have not had physical abuse in the way you have... my abuse was sexual abuse... i had some triggers that would cause me to react negatively tied to that abuse... I expressed them to my Lord and He took the time to work through them and replaced the negative memories with good memories so that he could do what he wished with me and not have me react with negative emotions or reactions. In my opinion, a good Top/Dom/Master will work through issues not demand submission despite them.


How do you approach him when you feel this way. A way that is healthy for the both of you?

I decided that I am going to seek out counseling regarding this. To get help from a trained professional.



KnightofMists -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/1/2007 1:45:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkkeith

How do you approach him when you feel this way. A way that is healthy for the both of you?

I decided that I am going to seek out counseling regarding this. To get help from a trained professional.


keith... I am going to answer this for alandra and myself.

First... appreciate that it is a recipocal responsibility.  Not only do you need to approach in a manner that is conducive to effective communication... but so does your Dominant. 

I wish you to deeply consider alandra's words here..

quote:

   In my opinion, a good Top/Dom/Master will work through issues not demand submission despite them.


I read your statement

quote:

  I had perhaps the best Dominate that I have ever submitted to in my life for the past two months


First.. that is Dominant not Dominate

Second, I read your statement and then I read the rest of your post... I am I struck by.. Oh my god He is comparing rotten apples to another rotten apple.  I have a huge problem with the manner that this person seems to think they can just demand you overcome the issues of your past.  I ask that you not compare what has been in your past relationships.. I actually ask you to look to your future and what you aspire to have in your relationships.  Then look at what you have now... and is it measuring up to what you hope for.  Often, with some one with an abused past.. the worse thing you can do is look to your past a measure to where you are now.  When you are at a bottom of life.. any step forward is going to be seen as an improvement.  However, the improvement may not be anywhere near where you deserve to be.

One of the reasons I have been very successful in assisting alandra and kyra in moving past their own specific past... is I hold them and myself to a standard that is worthy of a person in general.  I seek to reaffirm and support the ideas that as a person they have certain boundaries that are neccessary to protect themselves as a human being.  That they like any individual should value themself and protect that value.  That they should hold anyone and especially me to a standard that doesn't harm the being of who they are.  I set the standard HIGH>>> and then together... we work at reaching that standard.  It's a mutual commitment to treat each other with dignity and respect.  To appreciate the value of who the person is and who we are.  We appreciate that at times.. we will faulter.. but we stay commited to this higher standard of behaivior...  In time.. you get there.... and it's worth all Gold, Jewels and money in the world when you do.


Lastly... I think it is wise of you to consider and seek the professional help.   But, do look it as some magic wand... don't look at it as the fix... for in the end.. the fix is within you.... friends, lovers, therepist can only help you find what is within in you ... but they can also cause you to hide it as well.



alandraofMists -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/1/2007 2:26:12 PM)

quote:

I have known her for three months and submitted to her for two


how well can a person really know another in only a month?  to submit and have the trust to not react negitively when she is angry in so short of a time frame seems to me like she is asking for everything with out working for that trust and submission.

quote:

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: alandraofMists
What I am reading here is that she was getting angrier and would not listen to why you where having the problem... so you removed yourself so that all parties involved could calm down, is this correct?


Yes, that is correct.


this is excatly what i would have done too under those circumstances. *ss*


quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: alandraofMists
You pushed her away and this brought up memories of her abuse... so she kicked you out of the house. Interesting, that if she feels so strongly about her own abuse that she would not be more understanding of how her behaviour with her anger affects you.  That being the case... the question it really comes down to in my opinion is who is in control of her behaviour, her or her anger? 


That's how I feel as well, but I don't know if that is factual.


so it seems acceptable for her to protect herself against anger and what she sees as abuse, but not acceptable for you to protect yourself from those.  with how short of a time you have known her... in my opinion i do not see that as a healthy relationship, espeically how quickly and fully she cut off the relationship when this happened.

and for the last question *ss* my Lord has answered it for me.

Knight's alandra



pinkkeith -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/3/2007 10:04:05 AM)

I was at the library on Monday and found a number of books about how past abuse causes an interest in BDSM (which I find hard to believe), but nothing about those into BDSM and abuse issues. Anyone know of any good books or magazine articles?



his2pet -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/3/2007 12:45:35 PM)


To me, the cardinal rule is consensual, respectful, and sane play.  You may have felt more like the submissive you are inside in this relationship, but in no way does it sound like a good or healthy relationship.  Your Domme does not seem to have your best in heart.  I too have suffered much abuse of varying types throughout most of my childhood and young adult life.  There are times when, I flash back and require time to reassess where I am and why.  For instance, I have a major fear of having my neck touched from an incident in my childhood.  My dom takes notice of my reactions and if they are strong he will relent at least temporarily.  We later will discuss the incident at non play time and my reaction related to it's cause.  This allows him to know me more fully and for me to trust more deeply.  When he touches my throat or neck now, he may warn me by touching softly at first or by making me repeat that I trust him and having willingly given myself over to him.  Now my panic alarm does not go off like a siren and I can relinquish myself to his will.  Additionally, I do not believe it is safe or sane to play with someone who completely ignores your pain especially when allowing themselves to respond to you in anger for failing to submit in an unhealthy manner.

Just my 2 cents.  I wish you luck in finding the one who can help draw out those submissive feelings, needs, and desires in  a safe and respectful way.

his2pet








FelinePersuasion -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/3/2007 5:54:02 PM)

Um no. She does not have his best interest in heart when she's grabbing him by the collar and pulling it and freaking him out despite him hollering to stop and she's clearly frightening him. yes, in this case she IS the one terrorizing him and hurting him.
quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill


I can also say when you start to trip out remember she has your best interest at heart, she's not the person who violated you and abused you, she's the one who cares about you and uses you hard for both your growth and pleasure.
Good Luck,
suzanne



SimplySubmissive -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/3/2007 6:08:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkkeith

I was at the library on Monday and found a number of books about how past abuse causes an interest in BDSM (which I find hard to believe), but nothing about those into BDSM and abuse issues. Anyone know of any good books or magazine articles?

I have always believed that it isn't the abuse that causes the interest.. but that abusers find certain types.. "submissive" maybe isn't the best word, but children that are less apt to defy.. most children want to please adults in some way, but I think there may be a certain trait in children who grow up to become interested in this lifestyle. hard to put into words.. but some children are just easier to manipulate and control.. maybe abusers pick up on that.
I don't know of any studies that back this up, just my personal theory.



Rumtiger -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/3/2007 6:29:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkkeith

I was at the library on Monday and found a number of books about how past abuse causes an interest in BDSM (which I find hard to believe), but nothing about those into BDSM and abuse issues. Anyone know of any good books or magazine articles?


Believe it, i'm a shining example.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/4/2007 11:14:11 AM)

I would say my sexual abuse has shaped my sex life fantasies yes. I do not think I'd be into what I am into if my sexuality wasn't shaped by my abuse.



Termyn8or -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/5/2007 10:02:01 PM)

Define childhood.

I do not want to belittle any wrongs that were done to people when they were young and vulnerable, but what I am saying is that there comes a day when it is over. When you must prove that you are not a victim.

When I was younger I was shot in the face by a .38, and I remember waking up in the middle of the night months later, re-experiencing it. The bang, the feeling, as if I was hit in the face with a baseball bat.

They also (three of them) had also beat me to within an inch of my life, or so they thought. With seven broken ribs I climbed a hill that was literally at a 45 degree angle, and then climbed a five foot fence. A bit later they saw that I was alive and decided to finish the job. I was already spitting up blood. They were pissed that I was alive.

I was about 23 at the time. I NEVER got gunshy, I know that it is the hand that aims it and the finger that pulls the trigger that kills, just as the carpenter cuts wood, not the saw.

Basically, if there hadn't been three of them they would have never got the drop on me, I was stupid to get into that vulnerable situation.

And I know that's what someone could feel, concerning the OP. They could feel themselves going into a vulnerable situation, and stop themselves. Run, whatever. This is not hard to figure out, they have a problem with trust. Find it dificult to trust. And have seen what people might do when they are out of control.

I was not in love with the hoods that beat me to a pulp and shot me in the face. And I was not abused in childhood. There are things I will not understand, but the thing that gets me is that submission is fine as long as the dom is not angry.

To me, anger is out of place here. I can see an attitude like "You know you are going to pay for that dearly", something like that. In fact it would be good for a sub to purposely act up once in a while to keep things interesting, earn herself a few swats or lashes. But nobody should be angry.

Or are you percieving anger where none exists ? I can see how that could happen.

Actually I really don't think anyone should scene when either of the two are angry. It doesn't quite seem like SSC to me.

T



Aswad -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/6/2007 12:33:51 AM)

CSA can be related to BDSM in some cases, but there's no general correlation. That is, CSA doesn't usually lead to an interest in BDSM, and practicioners of BDSM haven't usually been victims of CSA.

It can certainly complicate things, though, and a kink-aware professional therapist with a background in cognitive behavioural therapy can help you and your Dom set up a structured approach to dealing with the problems that this is causing for you in the present. Dealing with the memories, etc., is generally a matter of talking to a good listener, and having a therapist help you shape the way you view and relate to those memories.

That said, it does seem that this Dom is letting their anger influence the scene in a way that is counterproductive and possibly irresponsible. Talk it over, and see if this can be resolved somehow. Otherwise, it's unlikely to work out between you.



DesertSky48 -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/8/2007 6:40:59 PM)

would like to speak with pinkkeith.  my "training" began at the age of 5 until i was 13.  i am a 48yr old slave who had endured a lot of what you speak of and would take me too long to tell here. it will take an understanding Dom or Mistress to get you to where you can rise above this experience and use it to your advantage in your service.  i have a Master now who is doing just that for me. i have also learned that our "abuse" as children has not made us "broken" but special, and if we use that experience right we can rise higher for our Owners than we think.  don't use it as a crutch that hinders your service, use it as a step up that ladder to limitlessness.  desertsky48.



BabyNyla -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/8/2007 6:51:32 PM)

I suffered childhood trauma as well.  Also, two years ago I was raped and abandoned in a parking lot.  Last Tuesday my Dom returned from Iraq and was hiding behind our front door in a ski mask.  He surprised me, cuffed me, and cut my clothes off me, then having sex with me and leaving.  This had been a scene we had discussed a lomng time ago, but was something I was not expecting this day.  I know why he did what he did and what he was thinking (and it's a logical explanation) but at the time it triggered so many emotions from my past that I was a mess ... mess might be an understatement.  I freaked out and was taken to the hospital for treatment (he had accidentally cut me a few times and I had vaginal tears from the rough sex).  If I have learned anything over the past week it has to be the importance of communication.  Something I am hoping he will learn is to think about the consequnces of his actions and how our past affects our future, and the things we do and feel.



grlneedstolearn -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/9/2007 6:02:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkkeith

I had perhaps the best Dominate that I have ever submitted to in my life for the past two months. Heck, it was probably the best person that has been in my life. Yet, Wednesday night I lost it all. I did something that I shouldn't have done and now I am regretting it. I had some break ups in my life, but nothing like the one that I had with her. I always thought that communication was the best way for any relationship to work, but somehow the communication broke down.

There have been times when she has been angry with me and she wanted me to submit to her while she scoled me. I just couldn't bring myself to do it because of past childhood abuse. She would make it worse when she would grab my collar and tighten it. I don't have a lot of recall how my abuse happened, but for some reason this triggered it for me the worse. I did tell her that her actions caused me to remember bad experiences in my past and I thought I recall her saying that she wouldn't do it again.

Then last night she was angry with me again. I didn't submit to her which just made her more angry. I wanted to, I really did, but the flood of memories came back into my mind. I couldn't even begin to tell her why I didn't. I did mention it once, and it was only the second time in my life I have ever told anyone about it. Yet, I never did tell her why I couldn't submit when she was angry. I had to leave her and go to a quiet place in hopes that she will settle down.

Last night was different. She grabbed and twisted my collar again. I yelled at her to stop, but she didn't, so I pushed her away. I can remember when my abuser tried to do what she did with me again when I was in my early twenties. I pushed her away. It was the first time I have ever fought back in my life and it last time the abuser ever abused me again. I don't know 100% that this was the reason why I did this to my dominate, but it happened. This brought up memories of abuse to her and she had me kicked out of her house.

Has this ever happened to anyone else who experienced childhood abuse?


i have been there before, having flashbacks with my Dom. But, unlike her which i won't pass judgement, my Dom actually stopped what he was doing and we talked about it. Most times when we're together we may or may not talk at least a little about it. i may still have flashbacks at night for no apparent reason.



MistressEnya -> RE: childhood abuse and BDSM (4/10/2007 12:02:44 PM)

The main reason I am a pro-domme for 14 yrs. is directly related to my decade long, childhood abuse in a disfunctional home where I was boarding.
Not being able to get away from my mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuser, destroyed not only my innocence, but my ability to trust and love as a mature adult.
I will always struggle with this! In the meantime, I work out a lot of the pain by dominating men and catering to fetishes in a safe, sane and consensual manner.
I feel I am providing a needed service to the community and I honestly enjoy what I do or I would not do it. When I dislike my chosen career, I'll hang up my whip!
Childhood abuse moulded me and my actions to take control of my life so that no one else would EVER touch me again without my permission!



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