stella40
Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline
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I'm a TG submissive with a Domme and no,I haven't settled. In fact I've done the opposite and held out for a really compatible Domme.
I did my settling years ago when I was first learning to be a submissive in my 20's and gathering experience and learning how to be a proper submissive. I would accept any Domme who fulfilled a specific set of criteria. But later on as you become more experienced it gets harder to find the right Domme and there is the risk of compromising and settling, which I feel should be avoided.
Submissives have it much easier, because it is really down to what you are prepared to accept and what you are not prepared to accept in a relationship, and it is down to how flexible you are and how you feel about a particular Domme.
Almost all Dommes don't have this option. Many are 'core' Dominants, in that they are hardwired naturally to assume control and have a basic need to dominate as a form of personal self-expression and something they really need to do for their own emotional wellbeing. But there are also many Dommes who have 'acquired' such traits through their own life experiences, through child abuse, abusive relationships and they need to dominate and have control to feel secure and happy in a relationship. This second group of Dommes includes women who have experienced domestic violence, and they have a lot of negative emotions, guilt, anger, bitterness and frustration which would be expressed through being violent and angry, and they come into BDSM to find more positive, controlled ways of channelling their negative emotions which leads to something more positive and ultimately to their own personal fulfilment and happiness.
They can be dominant for a variety of reasons, they may enjoy having power, they may need to have control and dominate every aspect of their submissive's life, or they may prefer to have someone dependent on them rather than be dependent themselves.
I would rather suggest that it isn't so much submissives who settle for a Domme because they are so rare, but rather the other way round. Many male Doms can find fulfilment with a submissive with whom they are sexually compatible, but this isn't true usually for Dommes, who are often dominant for more emotional or psychological reasons. Many submissives tend to fall into an established range and pattern of submission, which may be play-based, sexual, or service orientated, and this over time may not be as fulfilling for the Domme who genuinely needs much more progression and both emotional and psychological stimulation in the relationship. If you read through the profiles of Dommes who advertise here on Collarme you will find evidence on many profiles that they are seeking a submissive who will 'progress' with them through a long term relationship and be able to provide that emotional and psychological stimulation. This is especially true for those Dommes seeking male submissives.
What many people tend to forget is that Dommes do have a hard time finding the right submissive for them. Almost every Domme has at some point been lied to, cheated, deceived, and this makes them more wary. Many Dommes find submissives fulfilling in certain aspects but not in others. It's also the case for many Dommes in that they meet their submissive for play or whatever,and then the submissive leaves, and the Domme is left to clear away the toys and equipment, clean up, and she goes to bed alone, without someone beside her. Many Dommes spend years meeting submissives only to be frustrated and unable to find what they genuinely need, and few people realise that many Dommes have to go through broken relationships and loneliness before they meet the right submissive. Some don't make it through this spell of frustrating relationships and loneliness and settle for a submissive, or even two or more, who satisfy different needs. This is the reality for more than a few Dommes.
It can be said that Dominant Females are in short supply, but I feel if I were to assert that really exceptional male submissives are also a rarity many Dommes reading this would be nodding their head in agreement.
Dominants, whether male or female are usually hardwired to express the dominant side of their nature in certain ways and these are very basic emotional needs which leads to fulfilment and provides emotional wellbeing. And if you are a submissive looking for a permanent relationship with a Dominant you have to take all these needs into consideration before committing yourself to a relationship with that Dominant. Being able to fulfil only half the needs or some of the needs is not enough, you are not serving the Dominant as you should and you do really need to sit down and do your homework and study all the needs of your Dominant before committing yourself or offering your submission. Otherwise the relationship will not work. Your needs as a submissive must dovetail those needs of your Dominant neatly for the relationship to be long term or permanent.
I write this realising that many submissives are also hardwired to submit in certain ways and submission is an equally valid need for someone's emotional fulfilment, and there's nothing worse than being submissive without having someone to submit to, unless it's a Dominant who doesn't have the right submissive.
But settling should be avoided at all costs, because you do the Dominant no favours, and you also do yourself no favours in the long run.
_____________________________
I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)
If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
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Are you guilty of "settling"? - 
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