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Stimulation - 4/10/2007 11:36:54 AM

Liiaa

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While still learning who we are and where we want to go with BDSM my wife and i have talked and layed out our thoughts and are working forward with them.We do have 3 books on order and waiting for them.
she wants to be submissive , she has the inner feeling that she needs to be in a like SubSpace to let go..so my question is, during a light play as every thing we do at this point is light, while she was enjoying it....she just started crying and later said it was just during that time she started thinking that this in not normal and the mood from fun and play went south real fast.
from my readings some people go to subspace and are able to do the full power exchange...is it possible that she is confusing a sub for something else.After we talked it was more apearent to me that she was seeking more stimulation of the mind,but i still question the subspace...and is it where she need to go.

when you have met your new sub and started working with them.you have your ideas of what you think they want, or is there idea of what they need clouded

again thanks for your comments

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RE: Stimulation - 4/10/2007 11:40:40 AM

mnottertail

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it is the roller coaster of chemicals coming on. Hard to say where it goes, until you are more settled as she will be.

Ron

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RE: Stimulation - 4/10/2007 12:04:48 PM

MasterFireMaam

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When you're beginning, there can be a lot of guilt that is brought to the surface. Guilt about wanting something "abnormal" (when it's not) and guilt about simply enjoying it (which is related to a person's view of themselves).

Scenes can also be very cathartic. Crying during one isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can be a release of emotion...but if she's been taught that crying is "bad", the energy will go sour for sure. If she starts to cry, just let her. Don't shush her or "there, there" her. Simply ask if she's ok and act accordingly.

Master Fire

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RE: Stimulation - 4/10/2007 2:41:16 PM

OedipusRexIt

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I'm generally loathe to give advice, and yet here goes...

Do your best to feel and project confidence in whatever activity you're engaged in. A larger measure of submission can occur once your partner feels that you can handle the power exchange.

It's not easy to balance that with going slow and providing the all-essential empathy she needs, but you're probably off to a good start.

*geez. I've had to edit two posts in a row for spelling...

< Message edited by OedipusRexIt -- 4/10/2007 2:42:18 PM >

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RE: Stimulation - 4/10/2007 8:00:36 PM

Phoenix2raven

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Phoenix (he): It sounds like you may need to clarify what she wants/can do during a scene, and make sure your expectations match hers. I would suggest a checklist of sorts (search "BDSM checklist" there's a lot of them). Also search "subspace" on these forum and try to figure out what subspace means for both of you.

raven (she): crying during a scene can be a sign of catharsis, so your wife might have reached a point where she could trust you enough to become vulnerable and cry. ask her if that's the case?

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RE: Stimulation - 4/10/2007 9:39:26 PM

clover

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A question for the OP:
Which one of you first brought up the topic of introducing BDSM into your marriage? Is this one of those situations in which one spouse is really into it and the other is giving it their best shot mostly to please the one they love?
Even if it's not... if your wife was the one to ask for this new dynamic in the relationship, she could be afraid of just that, regardless of how gung ho you are to forge into this new territory with her.
I've been in that situation before. During play, it brought out feelings of guilt, humiliation (not the good kind), sadness, and just sort of an all-around dirty feeling that made it extremely difficult to relax and enjoy or give in to what was happening. It made me react really strangely at times.
I can't even begin to analyze why it caused those reactions for me, but I know it was related to the fear that my partner was putting on a (very convincing) show of being dominant, but it wasn't actually real. The emotions it invoked in me were very real, however, and that somehow made it worse.
So... could your wife be feeling as if she wants more out of all this than you do?

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RE: Stimulation - 4/11/2007 5:38:45 AM

Liiaa

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Clover, thats sounds real close to what we are experienceing.
she introduced the idea after studying the life style,and now we just need to act on what we feel is right for us.
We both are still reading and learning our wants and needs.
Being that time is the teacher, the knowlage we learn from other people along with munches will be our wisdom to move forward

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RE: Stimulation - 4/11/2007 5:55:25 AM

ExtremeOwnerIL

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Liiaa

Clover, thats sounds real close to what we are experienceing.
she introduced the idea after studying the life style,and now we just need to act on what we feel is right for us.
We both are still reading and learning our wants and needs.
Being that time is the teacher, the knowlage we learn from other people along with munches will be our wisdom to move forward

Yes, that's a perfect approach - take it slow and easy.

Don't be surprised when you're the one having a Top crash, instead of her having a sub crash (my terms for those times when your mental/emotional space goes to a bad place). It can happen. The key is for you to be supportive of her and vice versa - although your role as Top/Dom/Master will be to have enough to still be there for her even when you go through a crash.

Many others have spoken about how exploring for the first time will bring many feelings to the surface and that is very true. It's a normal, natural part of exploring something new.

Have fun, enjoy the journey.
Regards
EO

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RE: Stimulation - 4/11/2007 7:15:29 AM

SimplyMichael

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I have no idea what books you have on order but if you haven't got The Topping Book as well as The Bottoming Book coming you need those two ASAP.

As a very good girl I know said "they are no nonsense" books. No posturing, just good common sense advice from two people who have pretty much seen and done it all.

That said, YOU are doing fine and so is she. I am sure she has been chatting online and gotten her head filled with hot fantasy stuff out of chatrooms and CastleRealm. That crap has destroyed more relationships like yours than I care to imagine. Going slow and light like you are doing is great. What you need to do when she gets all guilty and she will and frankly at some point so will you is to not react, just tell her you love her, tell her she is a good person, and that almost anything is okay between two people who love and care for each other.

Scenes go south. I am an experienced and talented dominant and I have it happen all the time. When you are exploring new territory (and in my case I love to push limits) you are going to bad places sometimes. What you BOTH need to understand is that isn't BAD, there is NO mistake. Think of it like going to a nice restaurant and getting bad food or unpleasant service. Would you blame your partner? No, it just happened.

Worry less about power exchange than about making your partner feel safe, physically and emotionally, as she explores herself. Do that and she will be craving your dominance. You can't force submission, it must come crawling to you. Be patient with both yourself and her efforts. Nurturing a new submissive is an awesome task, I have a feeling it will tax you but if you are patient I believe you have it in you to succeed.

I love relationships and I know how rare a real connection is and I believe them to be precious beyond belief. Because of that, if you have any questions please feel free to email me at anytime for help, reassurance, or questions.

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RE: Stimulation - 4/11/2007 7:18:48 AM

puella

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You have been making some rather stellar posts lately, Michael. I hope people are benefitting from them.

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RE: Stimulation - 4/11/2007 4:28:32 PM

Liiaa

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thank you all for your kind words.

I will refreash this thread tomorrow. as todays events were......shall we say Way over the top and we are tired,Again thanks for your advice.
ps. i feel my name should be Newbie1 somedays ;)

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RE: Stimulation - 4/12/2007 4:15:08 PM

Liiaa

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We meet with our mentor the otherday..to say the least it was strange to us,but with some talking and light play i have no words to explain what transpired ,you masters out there that have been in the life style..i think you will know what im saying.
we will continue to grow as our love will lead us.
Thanks for your words of encouragement

Liiaa

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