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RE: Asking... - 4/27/2005 10:12:57 PM

Kinkypupper

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If there was one set answer for that then we ALL would be identical clones.

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RE: Asking... - 4/28/2005 7:41:45 PM

Voltare

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Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
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Quick and easy answer for me, we talk about it over beer or dinner, whatever we happen to be having. Making a huge production out of it as if it were a wedding ceremony seems a bit much when she just wants to be tied up for the night....

Stephan

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RE: Asking... - 5/1/2005 5:54:32 AM

Kindred2Evil

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Joined: 4/16/2005
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I have found that keeping a journal helps some who have problems with speaking their minds, i.e. giving an opinion, making a request and so forth. My previous boy had a hard time talking to me at times, but when he could write it down, he felt it flowed beautifully. And it did. We often sat and talked throughout the day, but if something were really bothering him, he would write it down in a special book and give it to me, which gave me time to read and think on what he had written. Over time, this book became unneeded, but it was great at the beginning. I think it just varies from sub/slave to sub/slave...IMO it's important for them to have someplace where they can voice their thoughts etc. without fear of reprisal for anything said...and some just can't speak well.
Hey, it's great if you have one that has no problem talking to you about anything, some of us just aren't that lucky *soft laugh* so we have to get creative in finding ours a "safe" spot.

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RE: Asking... - 5/1/2005 8:48:14 PM

darlingjade

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Joined: 1/31/2005
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The reason I began this thread in the first place was that I'd noticed a recurring theme on the boards. Sub asks question. People respond, and rightly so, ask your Dom/Master. It all seems to simple, however, if that were so then the sub/slave wouldn't be on the boards asking a question that could take seconds to get a response to from the appropriate place. So I wondered how many Doms/Masters made open and honest communication enough of a priority in their relationships from the onset of the relationship that their subs had certain knowledge of how and when to have their concerns addressed.

Must say I've found the responses thus far interesting. And I'll admit some of it has given me lots to think about. Thanks to all of ya'll that have responded.

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RE: Asking... - 5/2/2005 5:57:48 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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OK I can't say how much of this is a "stereotypical male" issue, how much of this is a "stereotypical relationship" issue and how much of this is a "stereotypical dominant" issue but my guess is that it's some of all three.

The reality is that lots of doms are insecure. The reality is that lots of doms have no clue how to deal with feelings, how to manipulate things like a woman stereotypically does, and how to express themselves and communicate in a positive way about their emotions.

So while it might be on the surface that the dom wants full and open communication, maybe one day it happens that the sub goes "You know, I'm really tired of hearing you say this, it makes me feel like nothing I do matters." (And this is an IDEAL situation, most subs would just be snarky and then finally blow up when they get too much and rant about how the dom has no clue)

The dom unfortunately has no idea how to handle it, takes it as a hit to his dominance and ego. If he's lucky, he just shuts down for awhile and then comes back to the situation. If he's not, he guilts the sub, he punishes the sub either by actual punishment or by emotional blackmail.

And if you think this is a newbie problem, you're wrong. I once attended a class by Master Jim and slave marsha who were International Master and slave titleholders who shared a personal story about how after they had been together for many years, Jim had an identity crisis about his dominance. Instead of communicating, he just shut down because he didn't want to upset Marsha.

Well duh, Marsha could tell obviously that something was wrong but had no idea how to approach it. One day she finally took a huge risk, went up to him, held his arms and yelled "What's going on in you?" Luckily this broke Jim out of his rut and they were able to finally start a dialogue and work through things.

But communicating in relationships is a learned skill, and tends to be one which females gravitate towards earlier and more efficiently (generally).

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RE: Asking... - 5/6/2005 9:43:46 PM

darlingjade

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Posting this thread has been a growing experience for me because it's given me so many angles to consider.

Had anyone asked me a month ago if I communicated well, I'd have responded with a quick yes. However, in thinking of all the responses that were posted here I have to admit that I still have much to learn about it even though I've made strides in the last year or so.

I've been wondering if my very nature makes it more difficult to express wants and needs because, in general, my instinct is put others before myself. Don't get me wrong, that's the way I like it and function best. However, there are times when a want or need becomes so pressing that NOT expressing your thoughts and feelings about it can become detrimental to the relationship. And that, I think, is where most of us have so many problems asking for what we want.

quote:

The dom unfortunately has no idea how to handle it, takes it as a hit to his dominance and ego. If he's lucky, he just shuts down for awhile and then comes back to the situation. If he's not, he guilts the sub, he punishes the sub either by actual punishment or by emotional blackmail.

One of the hardest life lessons for me to learn has been that by expressing things as they happen they don't fester and then boil over when the burden becomes too heavy. Still have a ways to go in this because the above scenerio is probably one of the scariest to confront. The last thing I EVER want to do is hurt or damage anyone and especially not someone I'm committed to serving.

Thanks for your response Emerald. I'm still giving this a lot of thought. I've used a lot of I's in this post because I don't pretend to speak for anyone other than myself.

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RE: Asking... - 5/7/2005 9:25:52 AM

BobcatsLilMinx

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quote:

I've been wondering if my very nature makes it more difficult to express wants and needs because, in general, my instinct is put others before myself. Don't get me wrong, that's the way I like it and function best. However, there are times when a want or need becomes so pressing that NOT expressing your thoughts and feelings about it can become detrimental to the relationship. And that, I think, is where most of us have so many problems asking for what we want.

I know this is true for a lot of subs'n'slaves... myself included.
When I need to talk to Master about something, I tend to choose a moment where we're in a public place, cuz that makes it less "scary", and then I say "Master, may I speak to you later about something? Not now, later, when we're alone", and that lets him know somethings on my mind. So then later, when it pleases him to bring it up, I've had a little time to think about what to say, knowing he'll make me talk about it. And then being told to talk about it, well... I have to obey, and that makes it easier. Just that he's taking the initiative in broaching the topic, not me.

As for asking questions, thats easy enough between us. I just say, "Master, may I ask a question?" or something similar, at any point in the day, and then he can choose whether he wants to hear it or not. If we are discussing something naturally, I just begin my questions with, "May I ask why blah blah blah?".

The idea of a "safe pillow" or mat is interesting, I can see both sides of the debate for and against it... Although generally I would say there IS no place I feel safer than at my Master's feet, or in his arms, sometimes things get too bad, and feel like they're too bad for him even as well. So then I hide in a little space somewhere, in a wardrobe or something, and that usually lets him know pretty effectively that something serious is up...

Minx

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