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When is enough enough? - 4/23/2005 4:50:43 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I am posting this for the Mistress' here as I love to get Your varied insights, I'd like opinions on the following: Last winter I met a sub that appeared to have great potential as a sub and as an LTR, his attention and ardor was quite impressive, we met, spent a weekend and things seemed to be on their way, ( I should mention this was a LDR). After he returned home, communications during the holidays, got scatteterd, became in frequent due to " the holidays, work, etc". he even missed My birthday..after the start of the New year, when the simplest commands were not followed, I dismissed him--early March, he came back, begging to be reconsidered, and so the communications began again, stricter rules--- slated to meet early April, as he was on his way to Me, a family emergency occurred-- so he had to return home ( family emergency verified), plans were remade for 3 weeks. he was instructed to schedule a vacation day so nothing interfered, this needed to be a make or break, do W/we go forward and if so laying the ground rules-- and some serious punishment for past infractions---several times over 3 weeks he was asked for his travel plans, always, i'm calling today, i will call today--working on them...the weekend drew closer and he had to be in another city for work, was making the arrangements to travel from there to here--allegedly--excuses about not getting notified by the travel agency ( I work for the same company so I know that's crap)--up until 9P of the night before he was to arrive-- no notice of arrangements--I have minor family that must be cared for when I have company, everyone knows that and they were waiting in limbo, when I heard nothing still, I dismissed him, told him to go home if he was indeed in another city and not to contact Me again. Not one to tolerate much BS, I admit this went beyond what I would tolerate in a "normal" situation, and as I write this I can hear My sister Mistress' shaking their heads, so be kind and try not to villify Me too much-- <smiles> but when You find a sub that You believe has potential for both L/life and vanilla, when is enough enough?

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/23/2005 5:42:10 AM   
SecretDomme


Posts: 152
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		I think it's really a matter of how much we accept, and it's going to be different for different people. When I find myself changing my life to accomodate someone else's plans and putting in all of the all of the effort to make it work, and the other person is just making excuses, I finally reach my point. I can't explain why some people have an effect on me that makes me want to stick around and try harder, but eventually I reach a point with them too. It just takes longer.

Take care,
Julie

(in reply to MHOO314)
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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/23/2005 6:35:27 AM   
Shayna


Posts: 205
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

but when You find a sub that You believe has potential for both L/life and vanilla, when is enough enough?


I have so much empathy for ya - for all of us looking for that type of relationship. What I'm finding is that what my instincts tell me in the first few interactions is true; I just don't always want to accept it. I think our challenge is to be very honest with ourselves about what we really want and not compromise. Thanks to my fellow Dommes for that advice in the past - it's really helped me out!



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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/23/2005 10:27:06 AM   
Spike1777


Posts: 85
Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
Status: offline 		I am sorry to hear the relationship between yourself and the subie in question became useless. I am new to the message boards here on collarme and new to FD BDSM for that matter. But it seems that this scene happens repeatedally. A subie appears to be good material and all of a sudden the subie looses all sense of who is in control.

A question: I understand LTR - long term relationship, but what is LDR????

little spike

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/23/2005 10:51:11 AM   
Shayna


Posts: 205
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:


A question: I understand LTR - long term relationship, but what is LDR????


Long Distance Relationship

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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/23/2005 11:40:04 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		I have total and complete sympathy/empathy with you on this one, Hathor - somewhere, not too far buried (unfortunately) is our story with our former boy ... the thread is called "a dilema with our boy" - feel free to read it so that you know you aren't alone.

(in reply to Shayna)
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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/24/2005 5:55:08 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		My deepest thanks to all who responded, as I wrote it, I felt like--how stupid can you be, then I thought well a good tongue lashing from My Sisters was deserved, but I see I am not alone, its good to know that when we stumble and become a human creature there are others there that know that feeling. I have oft believed that when one door closes another opens, yesterday was not exception, a new door has opened, we will see. My thanks

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/26/2005 12:46:46 AM   
MistressInNYC


Posts: 29
Joined: 1/29/2005
Status: offline 		Hi, MHOO314, I just want to mention mine although it seems you know what you need to do already.
I had a potential subby, too.
We met here in my homeground NYC, but he moved to another state (it was the decision of his BEFORE we met).
Anyway, we continued to talk via e-mail and phone.

As time goes by, he began to delay or forget my request.
He'd write a long sorry letter that he will be a good obedient one, and always stated "It will never happen again" blah, blah, blah.
Since it was LDR which I never experienced before, I was very easy on him for a couple of times.

He failed again to follow through....
Now, my decision is dismiss him COMPLETELY.
Maybe it is because of a long distance he cannot feel my presense all the time etc....there will be a bunch of excuses to assume the reason for his bad behavior.
However, he is a sub who offered himself to me that is supposed to be happening no matter what.
If he cannot, then he is not that into me. (Thus, he cannot be My sub although he maybe is a sub in general).

Anyway, good luck! You will find one who will devote to you with his heart!

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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/26/2005 1:12:36 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		It's just as disapointing when the connection is there for the sub one and the dom one disapears.

enough is enough when you're beyond throughly fed up

(in reply to MistressInNYC)
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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/26/2005 1:59:07 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
I find it interesting that you thought you'd get criticism from other Domme on this. For the most part, the only Domme I've met that would call you silly for giving him a second chance are the newest ones and the ones who are only interested in BDSM and not looking for a life partner.

You're not going to get any vilification from me. While it is all great to say we'd not put up with "that crap," when there is a potential for a relationship that might actually transcend the boundaries of just BDSM and be that life relationship, we bend for it. I like to remind myself that if something is worth having, it is worth working for. I feel that is on my part as well as his. We are all human and have all needed second chances. Unfortunately your boy let you down on his second chance. I feel, as you do, that is the point when you move on.

How about you try out some of your local munch groups. I find that people who actually take the time to go out and socialize tend to be more serious as a whole. If you meet a sub at a munch or event, you know he cares enough about submission to be active in it. Some local places for you to check out..
http://www.psicorps.org/triangle/
http://welcome.to/SSCN
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WICKED/


_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/26/2005 1:29:46 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		Beach is absolutely right. For those of Us who look for LTR, live-in, I believe We have all been there. LDR is hard. I only participate in it while W/we are making the initial determinations. It is disappointing when it seems this could be a good one, and then all the BS starts. But, I would rather find out now. And life does happen. So I give another chance. If a boy is really not ready to commit, it shows up. And that lack of committment will not bode well in a live-in relationship.
I have had boys who are a long distance away ask me to collar them. I will not do it. Domination by email, chat, telephone is not for Me.
It will probably happen again, but just keep looking. Good luck!



_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: When is enough enough? - 4/26/2005 9:01:34 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I could hug all of You! Well here is the last chapter-- and then closure---as I sat working online Saturday he pops up obviously comfortably back home-- and starts with the you done me wrong routine---completely ignoring the facts stated and says, as least I found this out before we were married--EXCUSE ME???? you cant get your head out of your butt to get here and you think Im going to marry you--so it was all my fault-- he said he needed discipline and control and I was not willing to give him that-- and he was very hurt that I dumped him--ahh bad Mistress bad bad Mistress---<grins>---as I said when one door closes another opens and there appears the highlander--time will tell--but each moment is a chance to learn--Hugs to you all--My thanks

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/26/2005 10:56:20 PM   
LadyGwendolyn195


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/13/2005
Status: offline 		Hello:

This medium has absolutely changed the face of relationships as we have known them in the past. While this is exciting, it has definately presented its own set of new problems... enter the LDR. I know of no Domme using the net for any length of time that has avoided entering into one at some point, and most found them unsatisfying and hard to maintain.

This medium has also created an entire generation of subs that are well read on the subject of BDSM, and have come online to chat, perhaps cybered, but have never had a real life experience. Many will naturally move on into real time, but some never will. For others, the craving for real time is in complete conflict with the desperation for the staus quo. Their love of the fantasy far exceeds their ability to do what is required to make things work in reality, and as such, they are unable to, or cannot, commit to meet the expectations put upon them. This has nothing to do with their desires ... it is mostly about the "fear factor". Will this all be worth it? Can they handle what they will be asked to do?? WILL THEY FAIL? It is both a fantasy and a nightmare.

It is difficult to build trust and continuity in a relationship when one is not there to help, guide and encourage, even though we may try through other means such as this and the phone. For those, there is nothing we can do except grieve a bit for the potential we saw in them and for the knowledge that once this journey has been started, it will always be a burning desire, even if that submissive swears they will never return to the lifestyle. It might be days or weeks, even years.. but we know they will return. They have to.. they cannot help themselves.

So remains the question... when is enough enough? That is not a simple thing to answer and each situation requires separate evaluation, but I would say when the liabilities begin to outweigh the benefits, it is enough for me.

Thanks for listening to an old woman's ramblings <S

Lady Gwendolyn

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"Many a mighty storm hath announced itself in a simple breeze"

Ladyhawke

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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/26/2005 11:14:49 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

I could hug all of You! Well here is the last chapter-- and then closure---as I sat working online Saturday he pops up obviously comfortably back home-- and starts with the you done me wrong routine---completely ignoring the facts stated and says, as least I found this out before we were married--EXCUSE ME???? you cant get your head out of your butt to get here and you think Im going to marry you--so it was all my fault-- he said he needed discipline and control and I was not willing to give him that-- and he was very hurt that I dumped him--ahh bad Mistress bad bad Mistress---<grins>---as I said when one door closes another opens and there appears the highlander--time will tell--but each moment is a chance to learn--Hugs to you all--My thanks


Of course, it's ALWAYS the Dommes fault ... did you read that in the hand book?! *rolls eyes*
Ok, enough of the sarcasm LOL

*hugs back*
One of our friends just dropped her guy (whom she had discussed marriage with) because he hasn't taken time off to see her in the last 3 weeks, but he took another Domme out for a day at an amusement park - said other Domme did not know that he was collared at the time and wants this sub for herself badly ... and he didn't see the problem with this and couldn't understand why my friend was upset. She tried to patch things with him the next day, saying that she had lost her temper and that she would keep it so that they could discuss why she had lost her temper, and he said something about "oh, so you think that excuses your behavior" and went on about how it was all her fault. Unfortunately, people suck in bad ways - submissive or dominant, online or off, no matter what you do.

I think we should set all the "mistreated subs" up together so they can have a bitch fest about how abused they have been by us "horrible Dommes"

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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/26/2005 11:23:45 PM   
Spike1777


Posts: 85
Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes
I think we should set all the "mistreated subs" up together so they can have a bitch fest about how abused they have been by us "horrible Dommes"



Maybe that would be a great thread. Really shead some light on the matter and provide a support group for the subbies.

but being new to all of this i really have not had the chance to be abused. but you are not talking about a little pain in the mascho(ist) tradition you are talking about relationship abuse. i am curious, what type of abuse might a Domme impose?

little spike

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: When is enough enough? - 4/26/2005 11:27:55 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		Apparently, you missed the sarcasm of that sentence. There are a lot of subs out there who pull stunts like what Hathor's boy did, and what our friend's boy did to her - in both cases, it was something that the boy did to cause the break up, but both place all of the blame upon the Domme. And I'm sure that they will bend the ear of anyone who will listen, and who knows the Domme in question, how badly mistreated they were by that Domme.

(in reply to Spike1777)
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RE: When is enough enough? - 4/27/2005 12:14:12 AM   
Spike1777


Posts: 85
Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
Status: offline 		I think that what the subies did in boh cases was terrible.

you are right i did not catch the sarcasm and am afriad that i was conjuring up scenes of Dommes being abusive to subs. It seems like yesterday when Ms Beach told me that there are many types of FemDomme relationships in the BDSM community.

little spike

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: When is enough enough? - 4/27/2005 12:27:47 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		Some Dommes (and Doms, and subs) are abusive rather than having a good relationship with their partner, but I thought that the laughing face would give it away that my final sentence wasn't serious (well, that, the quotes around "mistreated subs" and "horrible Dommes," and the fact that the two Dommes talked about so far obviously WEREN'T abusive or mean to their subs).

< Message edited by SweetDommes -- 4/27/2005 12:32:28 AM >

(in reply to Spike1777)
Profile   Post #: 18
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