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Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/25/2005 5:44:27 AM

slutsinlove

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Joined: 3/31/2005
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She is a sub with experience, collared before.... I am a novice Dom, although she says I ama natural an she is teaching me the "lifestyle" has anybody else been in this situation where the sub has the experince and the Dom being in the learnign mode? How can i tell she is a good sub? Is she topping from the bottom? Is there a point where I will have enough knowlege to completely Dom her? When should I take over?

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/25/2005 5:59:30 AM

MrKite

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I was taught the basics by subs when I first started and I think it offers a number of advantages. While you will learn first hand how to Dom and maybe some techniques with toys, you will get an insight into the subs mind that is invaluable. Yes she may be topping from the bottom for now but in time you will learn to take control and she will give it up. When that time is right it will just happen naturally. As to whether she’s a good sub or not, I think by virtue of the fact she is willing to teach you is a sign that she is good. Good and bad are subjective of course and the best sub is the one that fills your life with love and pleasure forever.

My only advise to you is to remember that you can never stop learning and when she has taught you all she can, seek out more knowledge. Continue to talk to other subs and Doms, read books and attend meetings and seminars.

Good luck and have fun.

(in reply to slutsinlove)

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/25/2005 7:10:04 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
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From: North Carolina
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Hi slutsinlove (interesting name),

I have had, on occasion, a girl serve me (purely service, so far; no play!) who has many more years of experience than I. Probably about 20 years more. she's a WONDERFUL girl and knows who she is inside, so she's very comfortable in her role as slave girl. she's of the "generation" when slaves were mostly seen and not heard, so having me ask her opinion and advice is a breath or fresh air to her. But, sometimes it's a challenge for her to speak up. I've asked her to be not just reactive, but proactive, so she does several things if she feels that she has advice to offer:

she asks if she can offer the advice. I then can take three routes: Yes, No or Later. If yes, she, respectfully gives me her opinion. If no, she doesn't bring it up again. If later, she will ask again, later, probably when we are alone. Given her training, I highly doubt that she'd even bring it up when there are others around unless it was a safety issue or very important to be factual.

As for play, we've talked about it and I know that she will be honest and tell me if something hurts in a bad enough way that she can't take it. If she can, she takes it, bad or not; it's up to me to decide if I want to push things in that direction. On the other hand, she says she's always depended on people to read her body language for what feels GOOD. ;-)

Hope this helps some.

Fire

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/25/2005 7:47:20 PM

TahoeSadist

Posts: 176
Joined: 8/3/2004
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An experienced sub is one of the best things that can happen for a novice Dom-type. Listen to her, and anyone else, (Dom, sub, switch, Martian) who can offer advice. The key is learning, not who you learn from.
To address specific questions: How do you tell if she's a "good sub"??????? Does she please you? Does she behave in ways that you like? Does she look for ways to please you and avoid things that you disapprove of?
Is she topping from the bottom? I seriously doubt if this should even be a concern to you at this time based on your experience. There is much to learn here, techniques, methods, and more. Once again, *listen* experience is always a good thing. It helps too to seek out others in your area in R/L to learn from what they do.
As to whether you will ever "have enough knowledge to completely Dom her" that's a crystal ball sort of thing, without knowing either of you. Most of that goal depends on *you*. Listen, learn, seek out instruction, and look for ways to fit what you learn into your own personal style. You will earn respect that way, and that isn't something that can be overrated. With time and effort on your part, you'll learn what makes her "tick" what works for you both as you grow into your new role.

Eric

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As long as one of us enjoys it, it's not a total waste

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/25/2005 8:35:30 PM

slutsinlove

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Thanks for your advise kite, fire and eric. Not that it is all new to me but it helps to have reasurance from others in the lifestyle...
Eric, when we are in "scene" and she is wearing her collar and cuffs, she does everything to tryand please me and she does, as well as guides me in my role and the level of play...but she is a woman, and my fiance, and when we are not in the scene or "playing" its not so easy.... I guess its like an actor playing a role, once the collar is off, she is out of character?

(in reply to TahoeSadist)

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/25/2005 8:55:01 PM

TahoeSadist

Posts: 176
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Well, as to being in or out of "character", that's a question for you and your lady to discuss. Perhaps you have more of a top/bottom relationship now than a dom/sub. Once again that's something to communicate about. Communication is probably more important than the learning. Take that from one who made a bunch of mistakes early on: TALK to her, ask questions. Every relationship is different, but some absolutes exist: trying to be a mind reader isn't the best way to get the most accurate info, nor is asking others here. Trust flows both ways, and without it communication doesn't work and without that............................................................................................................................

Eric

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/25/2005 11:41:16 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slutsinlove
when we are in "scene" and she is wearing her collar and cuffs, she does everything to tryand please me and she does, as well as guides me in my role and the level of play...but she is a woman, and my fiance, and when we are not in the scene or "playing" its not so easy.... I guess its like an actor playing a role, once the collar is off, she is out of character?

(I -know- I am neither male nor a top. I have been in this -exact- situation)

Ask what she's looking for, and figure out what you're looking for. When my partner and I started out, he thought I was looking for something like you're talking about. Dropping into the role of "servant" for a given time, just while we played. When I told him I wanted it to be at all times, he thought I meant that I wanted to be able to start a scene at any time. That is, that he would say "ok, I want you in your role now" and we'd be there. What I meant was that I felt I already served him in all things at all times. I wanted him to know he could command me whenever he felt like it, and that he didn't have to give me some indicator that he was in "top mode."

Do you want to be able to command at any time? Would you prefer to give a signal to indicate when the dominant part is coming out to play? Does -she- want total availabilty to command, or only within give paramaters? Both are very satisfying, but if the partners have different expectations it gets way unfun.

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/26/2005 5:23:59 AM

slutsinlove

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Hi Perverseangelic,
forgive me for not replying to you earlier in the pissing match post, it does seem like you are and have been in a similar situation. No, I dont think I want a 24/7 servant, she is a smart, witty and believe it or not strong willed and Dominant woman, which makes up her character and makes her the amazing woman that I fell in love with. As someone had said before I was not looking for a D/s relationship, nor did I think I enjoy it but I did get it, and now love it. Believe me it was difficult at first having her practically tying herself up to show me what to do, or yelling at me when I was doing something wrong, but now we have been at it for almost a year, I am enjoying it and look forward to our play time. And yes I am learning still but now I am having fun, now where is that crop?

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< Message edited by slutsinlove -- 4/26/2005 5:33:39 AM >

(in reply to perverseangelic)

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/26/2005 7:13:05 AM

rfastbikes

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/11/2004
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I was following the original thread and noticed that someone pulled a bunch of old threads, I went through them and found the ones that seem to be closest to your situation:
Making of a Master
Can a Dom be 'trained'?
This one has several good books in it:
A Master Needs help
This one has information of formal learning situations:
formal "dom"ucation
I was also in this situation in my last relationship. I loved my girlfriend very much and she was already an experienced sub and wanted to "teach" me to dominate her. She also said that I seemed like a natural dom and took time to explain to me and tell me what she was looking for from the relationship.
My best advice to you would be to talk to your girlfriend. Communication is key in any relationship and is even more important in a relationship involving BDSM.
As far as topping from the bottom goes, my girlfriend did it all the time and freely admitted it. I decided that as long as I don't mind then who really cares? No one is going to be watching you and saying "oh, your a bad dom, she is topping from the bottom" If you do care if she is topping from the bottom then learn to recognize when she is doing it and deal with it in some way. It was never an issue with me so I can't tell you what to do in that situation.

(in reply to slutsinlove)

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/26/2005 8:28:13 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
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From: Davis, Ca
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slutsinlove

No, I dont think I want a 24/7 servant, she is a smart, witty and believe it or not strong willed and Dominant woman, which makes up her character and makes her the amazing woman that I fell in love with.

Incedentally, these things are -not- mutually exclusive. You can be someone's servant at all times and still be a very strong person. Being in service doesn't negate your inherant traits, it just puts the ultimate authority of your life in the hands of someone else. I know I would -never- belong to someone who demanded I become a weak or innefectial person, nor one who demanded the -core- of who I am change. I am a socially dominant person and I don't want that to change.

That said, it seems like you are both coming from the same place. I had read it as if there was a problem with the on/off type of sceneing.

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/26/2005 5:42:11 PM

MrKite

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From your further description it sounds as if you two are having fun and doing things right. What ever you call it, (Top/Bottom, D/s. M/s its all a matter of degree) its all about communication. You know I’m married to my slave as many others here are and I can tell you (as I’m sure they can too) no matter what the degree of roles, my slave always has suggestions for improvement. I listen, after all its her pleasure I’m facilitating.
Good luck and have fun.
If it feels good, Do it

(in reply to slutsinlove)

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/26/2005 6:07:40 PM

SweetDommes

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Thank you for posting those - perhaps coming from a male, they will be used as the resources that they can and should be.

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/26/2005 10:51:52 PM

cellogrrlMK

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

Thank you for posting those - perhaps coming from a male, they will be used as the resources that they can and should be.

I agree! rfastbikes, you sound like a cool guy

< Message edited by cellogrrlMK -- 4/26/2005 10:53:38 PM >

(in reply to SweetDommes)

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RE: Novice Dom seeks adives from experienced Dom - 4/30/2005 7:25:59 PM

dragonofjapan

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Be grateful and thankful for every teacher who comes into you life. They are all around you. Very often they are yourself, when giving wise council to another. Listen most carefully at those times.

Zip

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She who serves truly rules

Life is not measured by the breaths we take,
but by the things which take our breath away

Honor is not making good choices,
it is dealing with the consequences.

(in reply to cellogrrlMK)

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