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Aslanemperor -> RE: How do YOU explain bdsm to vanillas around you? (4/20/2007 10:10:02 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie
I have a long running history of people finding out I like BDSM, and then making a long series of unfounded and incredibly dumb remarks therein.
1. You're going to be in an absuive relationship and you'll get beaten every day until one day he kills you!
2. Only chauvanists are into BDSM.
3. BDSM is wrong and it's abuse!
4. People who like BDSM have to force people because they can't get any elsewhere.
5. This is only a self abuse phase, you imagine that you like it, but you really don't.
You know what sort of comments I'm talking about, I'm sure you've all heard them at one point in time.
So, here are my questions:
How do you describe BDSM to people who are vanilla?
What do you say in response to the people who say it is abuse or make any other unfounded comments?
What sort of dumb thinks have you heard about BDSM?
I know what you mean, and I've dealt with the same sort of questions and accusations coming from the other side, especially from my family members. And don't let a black person find out, they will push it even farther out of proportion. They hear the word "slave" and start thinking "cotton" if you know what I mean.
The first thing you need to do is be very gentle with the terms you use around ignorant people. Start by saying you're "submissive", and if they don't understand and you know they are going to go overboard, just say, "You wouldn't understand". This way, if they get all uppity about it, you can say, "In essence I'm a willing sex slave" and when they get upset you say, "see, I told you that you wouldn't understand." and thats that. But let me give you some answers to your specific questions now:
How do you describe BDSM to people who are vanilla? Generally, I start out saying that in every relationship, whether it's a homosexual or straight, there is always a dominant partner, even if it's not admitted. Most people will immediately argue with this and I'll point out the dominant partner in their relationship. Once you've done that, usually they will admit you're right on that point.
You then point out that BDSM simply doesn't mask the fact of who's Dominant and who's submissive. It's in essence, a more honest type of relationship, and thus mentally better for the person. Explain that it's NOT all about kinky sex(which is what they will certainly at first think) but that occasionally such things do occur. By the time you've explained this, they will be a little better educated regarding BDSM, and won't have nearly so many arguments. If they say "But you deserve better then to be someone's slave", tell them you don't. Actually, you deserve to have what you want, and you want to be "someone's slave", and to not be would not be getting what you want, but rather what someone else wants. I'd say that answers that.
What do you say in response to the people who say it is abuse or make any other unfounded comments? Simply say that they are wrong first. Explain that if any physical pain ensues, it is completely by your permission, and not like an abusive man or woman's violent rages. Pain delivered by a Dom is a honed skill and is designed not to do any permanent or overly devistating(like a broken bone) damage. They generally know how to use any tool they use on you proficiently, and they know what NOT to do with it. Also, what a Dom does is always to be understood before you ever begin service. He doesn't rule his submissive through fear. He rules her because she likes what he does to and with her. An abused woman is to scared to go to the police if she's abused and you can generally see the mental damage the abuse caused. This is not the same, and if you look, most submissives are very happy with their place at their masters side. They generally pick up a catlike quallity that is noticable(SP?) to anyone passing. I'm sure you've noticed if you've watched even a harshly trained submissive. If they are happy with their lot, they show it very openly through their attitude towards others who are not their master.
What sort of dumb thinks have you heard about BDSM? I've heard that it's a sin first off(from my mother of course). I've heard that wanting to be a Dom is abusive and only sex predators like it. I've heard that we're all abusive. I've heard that bondage causes disease(I know. What an idiot!). I've heard that submissives all have mental problems and thats why they want to have a master, and thus all Doms are manipulating troubled girls. I've heard that only teenagers want to be submissives. I've heard that only pagans want to be submissives. I've heard that only homosexuals practice BDSM. And these are just a few stupid statements people have made to me.
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