RE: Why does strict have to equal mean?

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RE: Why does strict have to equal mean? - 4/23/2007 5:14:54 AM

Satyr6406

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I guess it depends on your definition of "mean".

During my marriage, my ex wife was a screaming shrew. She also became physically violent and abusive. I admit that I fell into some of the same behavior with the exception of the physical (and I'm not even proud of the screaming and yelling) because, after a while, I started thinking it was the only way to "get through to her".

When, I ended that marriage, I "took some time off" and re-assessed who I had been, before the marriage, who I was, at that point, and who I wanted to be. One of the things that I decided was that "violence" (this includes "yelling and screaming" but, a slightly raised voice is okay) was not going to be tolerated in my house.

Fast forward a few years. I met a young lady, on-line who lived a good distance away (3,500 miles). One thing about LDRs: it provides you with a long time (usually) to spend a lot of time talking without the pressure of sexual intimacy raising its head. While talking doesn't ensure "getting to know" a person - because of the oft-repeated honesty issues - it means that you can get a pretty good idea of some things.

Anyway, this young lady was well aware of how I felt about "violence". We didn't meet, initially, for nine months.

On one of our visits, she became really angry and started yelling. I sat her down and calmly reminded her that we had discussed things that I would and would not tolerate. I was very strict in my underscoring of these principles.

On another visit (she was at my house, at this point), she got angry with me, slammed my bedroom door and thud-walked her way downstairs (There's also no reason for heavy-stepping). I got up off the bed and started packing her bag.

When she came back upstairs: "Michael, what are you doing?"

"Packing a bag." (I guess I didn't look like I was milking a duck)

"But, that's my bag, Michael."

"Why, yes, Sara. It is!"

"But, I have nowhere to go." (As if I would have been packing a bag for me to leave MY house!)

"You can use the phone to call some hotels, Sara."

Now, in all honesty, I don't see this as "mean". She had been told, prior to our meeting, how I felt about such behavior. She had engaged in it, once and been given a fairly stern (/strict) warning, and yet, she had decided to "give it another try". I don't know. I don't find it to be mean. Others might disagree but, I guess my point is: If there's enough "aggravating circumstances", some measure that seem "drastic" might not, necessarily, be mean.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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RE: Why does strict have to equal mean? - 4/23/2007 5:18:10 AM

Asraii

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I think it all comes down to what your own perception of 'mean', 'cruel' and 'strict' means. For some, it refers to the physical, for others, the mental; and then still for others emotional. Not to mention that what one sees as strict, mean or cruel another will see as laid back, easy going, and nice

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RE: Why does strict have to equal mean? - 4/23/2007 3:22:40 PM

ArtificerOfKink

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From: Toronto, Canada
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Some people simply confuse being dominant with being an asshole. The difference is surprisingly hard to see by some.

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RE: Why does strict have to equal mean? - 4/23/2007 5:51:56 PM

Padriag

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I don't see anything "mean" in what you did Satyr. You made your rules and expectations clear. You gave a warning one the first "offense"... after that you enforced a consequence. I don't detect any malice or animosity in what you did, just a simple refusal to tolerate something you had decided no longer had a place in your life. And frankly, if she was as petulant, volatile and childish as she seems... I'd have done the same (the foot stomping and door slamming would have put me off).

Jaunty very astutely keyed in on my prevous point... being strict does not and should not involve anger, malice or animosity. Being strict means simply enforcing the rules and when necessary, applying the consequences. Not because someone has annoyed you or upset you (which may well be true, but it is not the motive for your actions)... but because their actions crossed certain predefined boundaries, broke certain rules and thus brought about certain consequences.

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RE: Why does strict have to equal mean? - 4/23/2007 7:08:17 PM

LaTigresse

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As others have said, there is no reason strict has to equal mean. That being said it is all based upon perception.

If someone contacts me via the net with an interest in some sort of relationship I make it very clear from the beginning that I do not get involved in cyber relationships or the practice of typing out activities.....cyber sex or any other act. I have no problem with discussing some behaviours as a part of getting to know one another mixed in with alot of regular life issues. I have no problem with a small amount of flirty chat. My problem comes when the focus turns to wank material. There are an amazing number of women that push this envelope in addition to ever present men pretending to be. Women just tend to be a little sneakier at it. I have no problem with reminding whomever of my rules. If the person continues to push my set boundaries then it's bye bye. I don't care if it is perceived as mean or harsh, it's my rule and I expect it to be respected.

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RE: Why does strict have to equal mean? - 4/23/2007 8:38:52 PM

notlooking2

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You weren't mean at all, you laid down the law, she chose to ignore it, not only once but twice..... there was absolutely nothing mean about the way you reacted....

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RE: Why does strict have to equal mean? - 4/24/2007 10:41:11 AM

SirDominic

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quote:

ORIGINAL: notlooking2
I very much adore a strict Master, it really brings out the sex kitten in me. But can someone please tell me, why strict is being confused with being just plain mean? What am I missing?

You have already be given some really excellent advice about how one is different from the other. Padriag's wisdom is, as usual, spot on. The "calm state of mind" he is talking about is a Master who is In Control of himself. Being in control of oneself has nothing to do with controlling others. The first is wisdom, the latter is ignorance.

Mean? Strict? Evan cruel. All can have a place in a Master's repertoire, As Long as they are in control of themselves and are choosing that option for a reason, and not from a state of emotional upheaval.

Take the spanking of a child. The parent who spanks the child from a place of being in control, does so in a way that is not going to injure that child. The spanking is a punishment for improper behavior; to teach a lesson. A parent that has their emotions out of control, they are the ones who can inadvertendly end up abusing that child. The latter type is not punishing behavior, they are working out their frustrations on their children.

Make sure your Master is wise enough to not take out their frustrations on you.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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RE: Why does strict have to equal mean? - 4/24/2007 7:50:46 PM

WhippingPostNY

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quote:

why strict is being confused with being just plain mean?

It is a matter of personal development, of course.

WP

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