Question: Balancing family and D/s

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Question: Balancing family and D/s - 2/2/2004 9:26:27 AM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jan

Hello Masters,
I have a Master right now ... we are having a hard time right now as I have 2 children and no time for each other .... can anyone tell me what we can do .... I am very scared of loosing my Master over this .....
Jan

Dear Jan,

This may not be the easiest thing for you to hear, but my advice to you is to not worry. Balancing time with your owner, and time with your children or family can be difficult - but in the end, if the relationship with your owner is strong enough, he will respect - and encourage! - you to enjoy your family, and meet your obligations.

Do the best you can to set aside time alone for you and your owner. Get babysitters, have your kids get involved in activities, rely on your friends, family, neighbors to get the time you need alone with your owner. Other possibilities include having a lock on your bedroom door, and playing at night in small ways after they've gone to bed, having your kids spending the night at friends, or sneaking away for 20 minutes in the car (if your children are old enough to be alone for short times.) Make the best you can of the time you have. If your owner doesn't really care about your family situation, odds are he probably doesn't care about YOU. Be honest with him, try and discuss things, and if you mean more to him then a roll in bed, I'm sure you'll be able to work something out.

Stephan

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"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

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RE: Question: Balancing family and D/s - 2/2/2004 5:10:41 PM

Erusvi

Posts: 49
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline

At the risk of becoming terribly unpopular, I'd have to say that by my definition slavery cannot thrive in a home which has children. There are, certainly, many subtle ways to acknowledge and carry out roles as dominant and submissive. There are, certainly, many things one might do to gain private moments. For me, these simply do not suffice.

I live my life in the open. My family, my friends, and my co-workers know who I am and what I do. I leave the onus of acceptance in their hands. I can't be bothered with keeping track of who I've let in on what and who I have to be careful around. There are, of course, some concessions. I don't drag dahanala around on a leash when we're visiting her family. She doesn't wear a collar and cuffs to work. But once we're home, and on our own time, she's collared and all formalities and decorums of our lifestyle are followed.

We could not live this way with children present. It just wouldn't work.

_____________________________

Schno
ErusVI
Los Angeles
Owner of dahanala
www.esenem.net
[image]http://www.esenem.net/Gallery/albums/2005_08_Savage/SM_1.thumb.jpg[/image]

(in reply to Voltare)

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RE: Question: Balancing family and D/s - 2/2/2004 5:34:13 PM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Erusvi

At the risk of becoming terribly unpopular, I'd have to say that by my definition slavery cannot thrive in a home which has children.

It doesn't work for me either, but I have the luxury of having already raised my family. I was still 'into it' and I have never hidden anything about myself from anyone, but my child was never exposed to D/s, only to the people who were in my life (and you can believe me when I tell you, that by itself was difficult enough). Asking a child to understand a dynamic that often takes adults a good portion of their life to understand is unreasonable and potentially damaging to a young psyche.

I dont think that was what the original question was, though. She asked how to balance it. The way I balanced it was the same way I found balance with everything else where my child was concerned...my child came first. I waited to be 'out' with my 'whips and stuff' until my child lived on his own. Funny, he wasn't at all surprised or shocked.

I don't wear my leather corsets to work, but then I don't wear a bathing suit to work either. As they say, "a time to every purpose..."

I agree with Voltare that it's possible to still keep kink alive in a relationship that has children in it, but (for me) in the final analysis anything that wasn't workable with the kid had to go.

Having already 'done my time' I feel entitled to this opinion, I am aware of how difficult it is to wait until they don't live at home anymore. I waited for many things until my child no longer lived at home and I am not a bit sorry that I did. I would not go BACK to that again for a million dollars, though.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

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RE: Question: Balancing family and D/s - 2/2/2004 6:27:45 PM

EStrict

Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

All types of relationships need to find balances that work. When children are involved, it is even more difficult.

When Master collared me, I had two teenage sons that lived cross country. The lifestyle had nothing to do with why my relationship with thier father ended, but when I was exploring it and they were living with me, they were aware of parts. How much was little, just as it is now. They have heard me call Ross *Master*, but not much more. They haven't questioned it, and if they did, I would give them no more actual information on the specifics than I would have of my nilla sex life with their father.

Master always wanted children, but as I had two teens, was closing in on 40 and had fertility problems, he accepted that they weren't in the cards. Yet, low and behold, we now have Race. He's 18 months old, and lived with us the first 5 months of his life and most of the last 5.

When he was an infant, things were easy. Very little changed. When we got him back last fall, he was almost 14 months old, and things were different. But he's still young enough that he doesn't *catch* things we say and what happens at night after he's in bed is the same as any parents relationship is to their young children.

But, even with living together, our time as a couple, much less as a Master/slave, is not nearly as much as it was it was last year.

That being said, I agree with Voltare. Unless he was unaware of your family and obligation, if he cares for you he would expect you to honor your commitments. And, even though it's not easy, it's part of *real life*.

The best you can do is try to find *special little* ways to serve whenever you can, and take advantage of wht time is possible,,,,

Sandy

(in reply to MizSuz)

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RE: Question: Balancing family and D/s - 2/2/2004 7:28:40 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I know several people who live life full time in a Master/sub relationship with children.
Of course they do not play in front of the children. Most any party you go to these two will be there.
When she does something wrong. He tells her when and where she will be punished.
He just does'nt do it in front of the children.

In my opinon, all relationships that last years have a submissive and a Dominant partner within them. To me, the lifestyle is just normal day to day life. The only difference is behind closed doors we may use rope or cuffs. Whatever, so our lives are a bit more heightened than the normal relationship.

I don't think children would inhibit us from being ourselves. You merely learn to live within your means. Whatever those may be at the moment.

Gloria

(in reply to EStrict)

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Post #: 5