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Compersion v. focus on self - 4/28/2005 1:38:16 PM

stormsfate

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I'm curious as to how much of a role you feel compersion plays in an M/s poly relationship...if any. I very much enjoy watching my owner and v's relationship grow...it is important to me.

Also, given the large number of posts from people who are/have been miserable and perhaps never wanted to be in a poly relationship in the first place, I'm wondering what it is inside that makes "self" the focus in regard to this type of dynamic...possibly more so than anything else an owner may choose to do within the relationship. (Particularly in an M/s relationship where one presumably gave up their rights in order to serve, etc.)

best regards,
fate

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RE: Compersion v. focus on self - 4/28/2005 1:47:37 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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Hi Fate, not to be a nit-picker but I want to make sure you mean "comparison to others versus focus on self"?

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RE: Compersion v. focus on self - 4/28/2005 2:49:45 PM

stormsfate

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Nope...I meant compersion (basically finding joy in the joy your love finds in loving another or something along those lines). Another one of those terms I picked up hanging out with the vanilla polys...lol.

f

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RE: Compersion v. focus on self - 4/29/2005 5:05:52 AM

ShiftedJewel

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quote:

compersion (basically finding joy in the joy your love finds in loving another or something along those lines).

It's another one of those words I've never heard of but will take your word for it.

Yes, I find great happiness in seeing the joy my husband finds in loving another. To me, his happiness is paramount, as is mine to him. I am very secure in our relationship, I know that our bond is amazing. I enjoy watching him interact with other females, I love seeing him flirt and laugh and smile with others because I know it's who he is and it's what makes him happy. He doesn't "sleep around", he has far to much respect for me and for himself. But in his quest to find the "perfect" match for himself, for us as a couple and as a poly family.. I not only support him, but I help in any way I can.

Jewel

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RE: Compersion v. focus on self - 4/29/2005 5:42:41 AM

stormsfate

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Well...its not really a word outside poly circles <giggling> Here's the definition:

quote:

Compersion n : the feeling of taking joy in the joy that others you love share among themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your beloveds are expressing their love for one another, the term was coined by the Keristan Commune in San Francisco which practiced Polyfidelity, Kerista disbanded in the early 1990's

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RE: Compersion v. focus on self - 4/29/2005 7:07:37 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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Hmmm I don't consider compersion to be a poly thing at all...don't most people feel this when they are in love?

And no I'd never heard of it before and my Word thesaurus didn't have anything for it so...lol

I think both can play an complex role in forming long term relationships. In fact I find it a struggle sometimes to try and get the Owner involved in what I am interested in since I'm such a pop culture junkie and he's such a classics junkie, but we have enough common ground to scrape along and since we prefer eachother to enjoy what we enjoy rather than make it a battle ground, it rarely becomes an issue. Of course, the real problem is when he looks DOWN on the types of things I like. :)

Where is the line? I have no idea. As long as everyone is happy and comfy it doesn't much matter. SLaves are so afraid of "losing themselves" and I think that's only a problem if they are getting into things because they are afraid to NOT get into them, and do not find some inner connection with the new thing.

Letting others be free to be who they are is the only kind of love I know that really works.

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RE: Compersion v. focus on self - 4/29/2005 8:21:10 AM

stormsfate

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Ok...I think I've been about as clear as mud here. My apologies...I'll try again.

First, I'm wondering how much finding joy in watching someone you love find happiness in the love they also feel for someone else plays a role in an M/s or D/s relationship where there is a poly dynamic. (Does it matter to you if you feel that joy...or does one see it simply as another aspect of service?)

This seems to be the antithesis and flip side of a relationship where someone does not lean towards poly, but is owned by one who does...and the resulting shift in focus from their service to their owner to themselves and the negative emotions they may feel as it relates to "sharing".

It just seems to be flip sides of the coin and I find it fascinating.

best regards,
fate

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RE: Compersion v. focus on self - 4/29/2005 8:23:01 AM

stormsfate

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And in response to:

quote:

Hmmm I don't consider compersion to be a poly thing at all...don't most people feel this when they are in love?

My opinion is no...lol. Most people (outside of poly folk) don't *want* the person they are in love with to also be in love with another woman or man.

best regards,
f

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RE: Compersion v. focus on self - 4/29/2005 8:31:37 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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But they DO find love and happiness in knowing that the one they love are loving others- whether its children or family or friends. They might not want them to be lovers or intimate...but then what poly person is ok with one of their partners being with "anyone"? Most poly relationships have limits on who they can be with and who they can't would NOT be happy if their partner went outside those boundaries...same as monogamous.

If you want to limit the definition of compersion as feeling love and happiness when an intimate partner finds happiness and love with another INTIMATE PARTNER, I would accept that as being something that doesn't happen in monogamous relationship.

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RE: Compersion v. focus on self - 4/29/2005 8:39:55 AM

stormsfate

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Well as it isn't a word I made up, someone else did...lol. (Should have known better than using a word that isn't in the dictionary wasn't a good idea based on prior discussions...lol). I don't know their intent, but I suspect based upon the use of it by others, that as it was a poly fidelitious group that coined the phrase, that they were speaking of their partners' other partners...whether sexual in nature or not...definately intimate.

f

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RE: Compersion v. focus on self - 5/1/2005 10:21:40 AM

ScooterTrash

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I admit I hadn't heard the term, but it surely should exist. I am as SJ is with me, if she finds happiness and love in a relationship paralleling ours, then I think it is super. Nothing would ever get in the way of our primary relationship and love, so I can't see why I would want to be so selfish as to not allow her to have deep feelings for others. I am one who feels that limiting oneself or their loved one(s) to only loving one person are stifling emotions to simply comply with what society has instilled in us. I will never be convinced that we have a limited capacity of love and that there is some sort of maximum amount we are capable of. So yes, I not only approve of additional relationships, I relish in the idea that we can be so happy as a group and encourage it. We are very happy in this thinking..more so than from what I have witnessed, many monogamous relationships ever will be.

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