i am in an /s relationship

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babbblin -> i am in an /s relationship (4/22/2007 1:01:33 PM)
Hello. This is my very first post. In fact i rarely even read the message board. But i thought this was a better place to ask this question then on my profile. Where can a D/s couple turn when T/their relationship is not what it is suppose to be? Married people go to marriage counselors....drug addicts go to rehab....bipolar people go to a therapist......where can a D/s couple go about D/s issues? Someone who would understand. Regular therapy would not do. i love my Daddy..very very much. i submit to Him to the best of my ability. But He doesn't seem too interested. He appreciates all i do around the house and having dinner ready for Him every night when He comes home. i do these things because i want to make Him happy. i feel all i do in the relationship is what a female/submissive should do for their Man/Dom. It is who i am ...... i am submissive from the core out. But now it is getting to a point where i am starting to expect Him to do things around the house, and cook my dinner. It is beginning to irritate me when i do things around the house. Because i know i will get nothing in return. Not even a thank you. If it was a D/s relationship and not an /s relationship i wouldn't wait for anything in return because i would know........i would just simply know and "it" would happen. All i do is submit to Him...that is the end of it........i am not the smartest person in the world...but i am pretty sure this is not how it is suppose to work. If i have not made too many typos and it doesn't sound too jumbled..and if Y/you have the time i would appreciate any advice or links. Thanks.

babbblin -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/22/2007 7:21:40 PM)
maybe i should of posted in another forum.........

kyraofMists -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/22/2007 7:28:52 PM)
Here is a link to a Kink Aware Professionals: http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/ Depending on where you are at, you may find a counselor you can talk to. quote: It is beginning to irritate me when i do things around the house. Because i know i will get nothing in return. Not even a thank you. If it was a D/s relationship and not an /s relationship i wouldn't wait for anything in return because i would know........i would just simply know and "it" would happen. All i do is submit to Him...that is the end of it........ I do not understand what you mean by the statement "and "it" would happen". You are irritated that you are not getting anything in return for submitting now, but I am not sure what you expect to get if the relationship was structured differently. Can you explain? Welcome to the boards, by the way. Knight's kyra

BlindDescent -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/22/2007 7:48:54 PM)
Sounds like this might be one of those issues similar to the wedding vows where "he said I do, but then he didn't." Domestic complacency is not nesc. A D/S relationship. As all significant relationships should evolve, this one sounds like it took a quick dead end for you. What were your expectations? What were the parameters of balance or of power exchange? What were his expectations? Did you ever talk about goals and plans? Are his needs so simple that you have met them and now there is no room for growth? Does he care about your growth /his growth/ relational growth? Was this a bait and switch (no not the role) where he interested you into joining then it turned out to be radically different? Did your expectations change once you settled in? Was this your first live in experience? Ds or otherwise? The list of questions can go on and on... The bottom (no not the role) line is is this who you are/want to be...and is this something you are willing to devote your life to? Mediation or therapy is useless unless both see an issue and both wish to effect change. I have been a therapist for over 25 years and I learned I can't change anyone unless they have a strong desire to focus on the issue and put significant work into it. Individual change is one thing... couple dynamics are another energy field entirely. First clarify your issues. Then seek assistance with the next step.

babbblin -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/22/2007 7:57:05 PM)
If this relationship was a true Dominant/submissive relationship i would not expect anything in return. i can't be truly submissive and expect something in return at the same time. He would simply give me what i need........ i really can't tell You what i expect....all i know is this isn't it...... Thank you for the welcome.........even if i'm not making much sense...

babbblin -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/22/2007 8:00:55 PM)
First clarify my issues........i am an unhappy submissive in a vanilla relationship with a Dominant who does not dominate. How's that? Anyway...thank You Sir for Your help but i guess this message board was the wrong way to turn too. But i truly thank You for taking the time to write. Thank you too Mists.

Raphael -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/23/2007 2:36:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babbblin First clarify my issues........i am an unhappy submissive in a vanilla relationship with a Dominant who does not dominate. How's that? Sad to say that's not nearly as uncommon as you might think. Probably several posters here have gone through the same thing - I know I've seen several people go through it IRL.

babbblin -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/23/2007 4:51:17 AM)
Thank you Raphael...that really does make me feel better.. Now another question..is there a way to take a post off of this things? quote: ORIGINAL: Raphael quote: ORIGINAL: babbblin First clarify my issues........i am an unhappy submissive in a vanilla relationship with a Dominant who does not dominate. How's that? Sad to say that's not nearly as uncommon as you might think. Probably several posters here have gone through the same thing - I know I've seen several people go through it IRL.

myobedience -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/23/2007 4:58:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babbblin Thank you Raphael...that really does make me feel better.. Now another question..is there a way to take a post off of this things? quote: ORIGINAL: Raphael quote: ORIGINAL: babbblin First clarify my issues........i am an unhappy submissive in a vanilla relationship with a Dominant who does not dominate. How's that? Sad to say that's not nearly as uncommon as you might think. Probably several posters here have gone through the same thing - I know I've seen several people go through it IRL. why? you might get other responders with some good opinions. Bringing this problem to the boards does not make you less of a submissive. Just one who wants to learn and grow and be submissive.

onestandingstill -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/23/2007 9:23:56 AM)
I know for me I also can't just submit to someone because words say so. I too need to feel that's my reaction based on the Dominant path he follows that then I also feel and follow. I'd say if you're getting to the point you expect him to do your chores or you get pissed maybe your relationship isn't /s it may be s/s. I also dated a guy who's sexy as all hell and wonderfully in control in his life and at work. He unfortunately was not comfortable wit me serving him and wanted more vanilla dynamics than D/s in our base relationship as well. It's no fun for sure. You either submit or die inside wanting to. I understand it leaves holes in your relationship & am sorry you're feeling that way. I think no matter how many councilors you see if it's not in his nature you can't just condition him to it. Maybe you need to accept him as he is or move on and find a new dominant man. suzanne

blackwinterbyrd -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/23/2007 6:29:23 PM)
"He would simply give me what i need........ i really can't tell You what i expect....all i know is this isn't it...... " Theres a problem there. You are dissatisfied but can't put your finger on it. If you don't know what you need, you can't let anyone else know. If you can't communicate what you need, you probably won't get it. He can't read your mind. He's not going to automatically be on the same page as far as expectations go. I know it feels awkward for a sub to express needs to a dom, but it has to be done or you end up like this. Get clear on what you expect. Get clear on your ideal, your fantasy. Then present it and see if you can make it happen. This is really not uncommon or limited to D/s relationships. You feel you're giving and giving and not getting. What do you want to get? Help with chores? Dinner made for you? Pampering and care? (god would I love some of that right now)

zindyslave -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/23/2007 9:37:21 PM)
I don't know your situation but my Master doesn't thank me everytime I do something I should do for him like cleaning and cooking and everything else that is rolled into it, he does thank me every now and then and when I get him food, or a drink. Our relationship is different than some, I don't get his dinner for him he likes to get it himself, I sometimes will make him something to eat during the day and he thanks me for things like that, but that was how he was raised. I have known people that don't thank anyone for anything because of how they were raised I had to literally be trained by Master to be polite in many things I do because I was never taught manners somethings I was taught but some I wasn't. He may not even notice that he isn't giving you the recognition you want. I would talk to him about it if I were you.

juliaoceania -> RE: i am in an /s relationship (4/23/2007 10:20:56 PM)
I do not think that there is anything wrong with you feeling as though you would like to be appreciated for what you do in this world. It seems pretty normal to me. Being a mother is supposedly the most thankless job around, but the look of love on your child's face, their happiness... well it causes one to extend one's self more. It feels good to be appreciated. I bet your Daddy wants to feel appreciated by you too... All I can say is that when we live life in gratitude for what we have, right now, in this moment, it opens up the path for more wonderful things to come into our realities. If you want appreciation, show it to him. If you want gratitude showed to you, show it to him. In fact, not only to him.. but to everyone you know. If you have a good day, appreciate that. If you see a pretty flower, stop and smell it and appreciate it. That is all the advice I have to give, it is pretty basic, give him what you desire without expecting anything back for it except the pleasure of feeling gratitude.... Gratitude and appreciation are about the happiest feelings there are in my book.

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