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How does "the scene" affect BDSM relationships - 5/2/2005 2:16:41 PM

AAkasha

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I've been noticing more and more that curious submissives and dominants ask questions regarding whether their "protocol" is appropriate (ie, what people do "in the scene") -- vs. about things like interpersonal relationship issues, dealing with desires, communicating effectively, nature and evolution of their personal kinks, etc.

I never was aware of any "scene" when I started experimenting with female domination. I was 16 and it was pre-Internet. I knew I liked to tie up boys and that it excited me. I learned about safewords, safety, communication and how my desires affected me through trial and error and reading some information in sexuality journals at the library or history of sadomasochism. All I knew was what pushed my buttons.

Now, you see people online ask questions about "how to be a femdom" -- and it makes me wonder. Did they decide they wanted to get into this because they wanted to join "the scene" -- are they thinking there is a standard way to do it? Are they "less than" if they do it "the wrong" way?

I'm sure there was a BDSM scene when I was really getting more into it, around age 18-21. But I wasn't searching through alternative newspapers. It was a lot harder to find "a scene" per se -- and I don't think I'm worse off for that.

Now you find out all about the scene - including the "internet scene" (for those who play only online) and the "bdsm" scene in your local community very easily through the Net.

I'm curious about readers here who "got into the scene" -- how did they decide they wanted to be involved in this stuff?

My experiences is mostly with femdom/malesub, and often it seems like femdoms who are experimenting are asking more about "what is the right way/acceptable way for me to behave to be a femdom" and not "I have some sadistic, sensual desires for control or fetishes I need to explore."

Is there a chicken and egg thing going on here? What would most of us be doing if there was no Internet and no "scene" per se? How would you learn? How would you expand? How would you measure your successes?

How much does "the scene" protocol affect your own path?

Akasha

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RE: How does "the scene" affect BDSM relation... - 5/2/2005 2:35:56 PM

stormsfate

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Well, I can't speak for others, but I never knew that what I fantasized about really existed outside of books and the occasional scene in movies. When I found out it did...back in 1994, I watched and listened...a LOT. Then I was fortunate enough to meet a small handful of people in the lifestyle that had been doing wiitwd collectively for several of my lifetimes. Two years later I met my owner...but regardless, I don't think its uncommon for people to learn through the experience of others. What is that saying..."when the student is ready, a teacher will appear"? I firmly believe that to be true, and had I *not* spent the time I did watching, listening, and asking questions and getting to know myself, I know without a doubt that those people would not have given me the time of day.

I see people all the time who are pushing themselves at others in order to "teach" them, but it has been my experience that the best teachers of all are those whom others come to when they have questions...NOT those who are out handing out advice willy nilly.

I do recognize that some feel if they have experience, along with it comes an obligation to teach. I only believe that to be true to a degree. My owner never expends the effort unless he has been approached and feels the person is sincere...nor do I.

best regards,
fate

*Edited to add....we'd do just fine without the internet...lol. Also, out of the nine years I have been owned, I think we have spent collectively maybe a year in "the scene" so to speak...my owner preferring the privacy he gets at home, but willing to on occasion indulge my voyeuristic and slightly exhibitionist tendencies.

*Also edited to add...there has almost always been a scene of some sort....they were doing organized "play parties" further back than when my owner "discovered" wiitwd more than 36 years ago...lol.

< Message edited by stormsfate -- 5/2/2005 2:42:36 PM >

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RE: How does "the scene" affect BDSM relation... - 5/2/2005 3:17:49 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

How much does "the scene" protocol affect your own path?

Not one bit.

I had kinky thoughts of D/s, bondage, S&M when I was prepubescent. I naturally explored all my life.

I'll poke my nose into the local scene and go to a play party or workshop now and then for fun, to mingle, meet people and learn, but I'm not the member of any group.

quote:

My experiences is mostly with femdom/malesub, and often it seems like femdoms who are experimenting are asking more about "what is the right way/acceptable way for me to behave to be a femdom" and not "I have some sadistic, sensual desires for control or fetishes I need to explore."

Well I think that it's natural to exchange information amongst each other. I don't take any advice given to me by anyone here as the truth or as the way. But it's interesting to hear perspectives and I have learned from my peers.

I guess collarme message boards is as close to a "scene" as I'm going to get.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 5/2/2005 3:19:31 PM >

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RE: How does "the scene" affect BDSM relation... - 5/2/2005 3:40:25 PM

sub4hire

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quote:

Is there a chicken and egg thing going on here? What would most of us be doing if there was no Internet and no "scene" per se? How would you learn? How would you expand? How would you measure your successes?

How much does "the scene" protocol affect your own path?

I was in school. Taking a class on sexual dysfunction and went from there. Identified with the idea of a submissive. Fought against that for many year's because the submissives I saw in life were all abused.
Therefore I am who I am today. Submissive to one and only one. Most of the world see's me as dominant which is perfectly fine with me.

How does scene protocal affect us. It really doesn't. In fact I started my own group. There were many reasons why I did. One of them was because I didn't like the way the groups around me were discriminating against some of their members.
So, I started a group where most anything goes as long as it is legal and safe and sane.

We rarely have the time to attend other functions anymore. So it doesn't affect us at all.

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RE: How does "the scene" affect BDSM relation... - 5/2/2005 5:09:43 PM

GoddessDustyGold

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I am the first to admit that I dislike the word "scene". I have always said that I define the word as something that has been scripted, directed and acted out. And I don't believe anything in this lifetyle can be that closely scripted and directed. And where is the fun if We are just acting it out? (Here, this is your role and this is Mine. Now let's play!) Yes, playtime should be discussed, and limits observed, but I hate a script.
As far as protocols, I have taken what I want from observation, reading, and what makes Me comfortable. I enjoy certain things, and I also make up My own. We all do things in a different way, and, for Me, it is interesting and educational to share different styles. If I like something, I might adapt it to My own life. If I don't, I leave it alone.
I am more interested in the mindset and whether or not it meshes with Mine. I have so many boys who tell Me how long they have been in the "scene" or that they want to get into the "scene". And it really just means how long they have been playing at this, bottoming, if you will, for their personal satisfaction. If you want 24/7, does it matter to you how often I tie you up, or redden your ass? Are you really submissive and do you truly enjoy seeing Me smile because the laundry is done, the kitchen is clean, and you have drawn My bath? Is this the "scene" or is this 24/7 Domination and submission?
For Me, the "scene" means the play. And the word has been overused, so that now it is supposed to encompass everything from play to relationships. Relationships need to go way beyond the "scene" for Me.

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RE: How does "the scene" affect BDSM relation... - 5/2/2005 7:18:05 PM

domtimothy46176

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I might never have discovered there were others who had similar desires and needs had it not been for the internet. My first mentor was a submissive I met through a yahoo group. The folks at the local munch were so "normal" I began to believe that I could safely explore what I was feeling without becoming some kind of "monster".
When I was new I really did think there might be a "right" way to participate in WIITWD. Everything I read about SSC served to reinforce the idea that if I wanted to be able to find a partner, I needed to conform to the accepted standards of conduct. In this, I think, I was not that different from many who are new to BDSM.
These days, however, I have sufficient experience and self-confidence to walk the path that is correct for me and mine, regardless of the opinions or approval of the masses. I am thankful for the early guidance I received and I do think the "community" provides a vital support function to those who are taking their first steps on a new journey. Whatever else one may say about SSC, RACK or any catchy acronym, it does serve as a discussion point for the uninitiated. I think it's reasonable to suggest that newbies exercise great caution until they have a little experience under their belts. For myself, I try to "pay it forward" by maintaining at least some availability for those who have sincere questions.
Timothy

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RE: How does "the scene" affect BDSM relation... - 5/3/2005 5:40:14 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I'm curious about readers here who "got into the scene" -- how did they decide they wanted to be involved in this stuff?

I fell into a bdsm chat room while looking for sex in Nov 98. I was thrilled to discover other people doing what I'd always wanted to do.

quote:

Is there a chicken and egg thing going on here? What would most of us be doing if there was no Internet and no "scene" per se? How would you learn? How would you expand? How would you measure your successes?

The way my life was going, I'd have likely repressed what I wanted and just been on my own unless I somehow luckily stumbled into things later in life.

quote:

How much does "the scene" protocol affect your own path?
Akasha

It makes me roll my eyes a lot. :)

It lets me have fun playing with the natives.

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RE: How does "the scene" affect BDSM relation... - 5/4/2005 12:48:50 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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quote:

ORIGINAL: domtimothy46176
I might never have discovered there were others who had similar desires and needs had it not been for the internet. My first mentor was a submissive I met through a yahoo group.

I know what you mean... I am not a follower by any means; I entered this lifestyle having examined my desires and goals for a specific type of relationship; having said that, I would probably still be trying to figure out where I fit on the human relationship continuum if I weren't chatting on yahoo, and submissive/kinky men didn't keep approaching me online begging to serve me or begging to have me make them do things (sure they were "do me" boys, but they served a vital guiding purpose). It is after those exposures on the net, that I began looking up BDSM, reading online and in books, and exploring my new way of living, without feeling like an aberrancy.

quote:

The folks at the local munch were so "normal" I began to believe that I could safely explore what I was feeling without becoming some kind of "monster".
When I was new I really did think there might be a "right" way to participate in WIITWD. Everything I read about SSC served to reinforce the idea that if I wanted to be able to find a partner, I needed to conform to the accepted standards of conduct. In this, I think, I was not that different from many who are new to BDSM.
Timothy

I'm very glad to have found akashaweb and collarme and to have been able to read and interact with different people here, because it gave me a lot more confidence in being who I am, and not trying to be exatcly like anyone else considering wiitwd.
I'm still having some trouble going public because of lack of places near me (less than 1hour drive), I'm not that public about my sexuality, and I don't want to be exposed to my neighbors/embarassing to my family.
I've tried to get some connections to people near me so that I can watch and learn some things of slight interest to me(bondage), but that has not worked thus far. M

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RE: How does "the scene" affect BDSM relation... - 5/4/2005 3:51:08 PM

lil1v

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/4/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

I am the first to admit that I dislike the word "scene". I have always said that I define the word as something that has been scripted, directed and acted out. And I don't believe anything in this lifetyle can be that closely scripted and directed. And where is the fun if We are just acting it out? (Here, this is your role and this is Mine. Now let's play!) Yes, playtime should be discussed, and limits observed, but I hate a script.
As far as protocols, I have taken what I want from observation, reading, and what makes Me comfortable. I enjoy certain things, and I also make up My own. We all do things in a different way, and, for Me, it is interesting and educational to share different styles. If I like something, I might adapt it to My own life. If I don't, I leave it alone.
I am more interested in the mindset and whether or not it meshes with Mine. I have so many boys who tell Me how long they have been in the "scene" or that they want to get into the "scene". And it really just means how long they have been playing at this, bottoming, if you will, for their personal satisfaction. If you want 24/7, does it matter to you how often I tie you up, or redden your ass? Are you really submissive and do you truly enjoy seeing Me smile because the laundry is done, the kitchen is clean, and you have drawn My bath? Is this the "scene" or is this 24/7 Domination and submission?
For Me, the "scene" means the play. And the word has been overused, so that now it is supposed to encompass everything from play to relationships. Relationships need to go way beyond the "scene" for Me.

Oh thank God. Someone else has the same view of this as I do. I too really really hate the word "sceneing".. it seems to be like roleplaying, acting.. to me it signifies that you're being someone else, playing a role... For me, this is all about being myself. Truely myself and the Dom being truely themselves, and somewhere in the middle develops wiitwd so that neither of us is "faking it" but it is how we are with each other. Wiitwd is just a natural outpouring of ourselves interacting.

I'm not much of one for protocols. I was raised to obey the "house rules" of whatever house I was in growing up, as respectful to the host. So if I need to occaisionally take on a certain protocol because its needed in the situation, I may not like it but I can adhere to a point. I'd much rather just be me, and Us just be us... let it be our own natural way of interacting with each other, rather than following someone else's idea of what is "the correct way to do this"..

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RE: How does "the scene" affect BDSM relation... - 5/4/2005 4:02:20 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
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quote:

I'm curious about readers here who "got into the scene" -- how did they decide they wanted to be involved in this stuff?

My experiences is mostly with femdom/malesub, and often it seems like femdoms who are experimenting are asking more about "what is the right way/acceptable way for me to behave to be a femdom" and not "I have some sadistic, sensual desires for control or fetishes I need to explore."

Is there a chicken and egg thing going on here? What would most of us be doing if there was no Internet and no "scene" per se? How would you learn? How would you expand? How would you measure your successes?

How much does "the scene" protocol affect your own path?

Akasha

Excellent topic. I found my local 'scene' pretty much by dumb luck. I was looking around the internet for BDSM stuff, saw a Femme Domme on line who was in my region, and I called her. I didn't know anyone who was kinky, and I didn't know if it was even appropriate for me to be making the call, but I was lonely and tired of feeling like a freak in my own house. She was AWESOME. She talked to me, gave me resources, and hooked me up with some women in the scene in my city, told me about munches and helped me network with sane, safe people. I have been 'out' in the local kink community ever since and have found it, for the most part, genuinely rewarding.

As far as protocols go....well, I've found that being courteous and polite is the way to go until you really get to know people. I don't and never really found my social interactions within the scene all that differant from what my professional interactions were when encountering new people. I tend to use Sir and Ma'am upon meeting a Dominant for the first time, and if I want to speak with a submissive I don't know who's with their Dominant, I will tend to ask the Dominant if I may. But that's me and that's a choice I make for myself because I think that first impressions are often important. But I've never seen anyone shunned who didn't approach people the way I do, though your stock tends to drop if you are just a garden variety asshole too ~grin~

I'm not real sure what I'd do if there was no scene or internet. Probably be sitting around wondering why I felt like a freak all the time, so suffice it to say I'm happy that these resources were around when I was ready to be receptive to them.

Lily

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